understanding and compassion*

portrait session, canon digital rebel xti

I know I've been quiet here. I've been quiet most everywhere this past week. As Christmas is approaching, so are the myriad of emotions that come with it for couples that are walking on this journey to conceive.

There are so many parts of Christmas that I love. The colors, the smells, the lights, the music, the promise of a few days when my whole family is gathered in one room singing, laughing, snuggling. The parts that cause some anxiety for me are the emphasis on children, babies and the concept of a complete family with presents under the tree for more than just me and my husband. Every time I have walked into a store there have been fully pregnant women holding onto toddlers with more trailing behind. Children squealing with delight. Babies clapping with glee. Families walking in a sweet line, all holding hands.

Seeing this fills me with joy and hope for our near future but there are other sacred emotions attached. I want to sponge the good stuff in and while I am opening myself up to absorb, the sudden realization comes to mind that we're not part of this reality yet and I am not quite sure when we will be. My heart starts racing and its hard to catch a breath. At times I've had to leave and sit in the car to ground myself, breathe again, call my husband and let the tears flow. He feels it too.

I've been afraid to share this here because this is supposed to be a time of bliss for all and I didn't want to be messy and admit I wasn't blissing out. But the truth is, its hard, full of conflicting emotions and makes me want to shop online rather than put myself through this over and over again (thanks, yummy Jen for permission to do so).

I haven't even decorated my tree yet. I gazed at it this morning while sipping my tea and realized that it is such a representation of how I feel. Half of the lights are on it and it is partly glowing, partly dull...push and pull...this is how I feel.

There was an email in my inbox the other day from Resolve...an organization to help couples through (in)fertility. In it was a link to an article about "Coping with the Holidays". Reading this I learned that what I am feeling is so completely normal. So normal that they have 24 hour hotlines so people can phone up, fall apart and get messy and imperfect during what is supposed to be the most joyful time of year. That all couples like us struggle with getting together with family when babies, children and fertile people are around. There were even ideas about using this as an opportunity to take a vacation rather than put yourselves into a potentially painful situation.

Earlier last week before this flood of emotions surfaced, I began to feel a calmness. I had realized I needed more hush. I was feeling a peace about my current cycle. I suppose this is an opportunity for me to practice grounding myself again. How can you practice peace when everything is peaceful, right? So, this is my opportunity to practice meditating and centering myself in the midst of anxiety. To discipline myself and take those moments to quiet my mind rather than allow too many consuming and paralyzing thoughts rooted in fear.

I know I am not alone in this. So many of you on this journey that have reached out to me know exactly where I am at, where we are at. It's comforting to know we're not alone. I am gently going to invite all of you lovely sisters and brothers on this journey to gather in a spirit-circle and use this as an opportunity to practice along with us.

I can imagine with all the joy that comes along with Christmas, so does understanding and compassion. I'd like to believe our loved ones will feel that for us too and be gentle when we need them to be.

If you're trying to be all blissed out for the sake of those around you, know you can put your stories here and all you will receive is understanding and compassion from a heart that feels it with you deeply.