stacie...the pregnant rock~star princess, canon digital rebel xti
I know I keep posting photos of Schmoopy. I just can't get enough of the beauty that illuminates from her soul right now. These photos not only capture the peace and serenity she feels following a challenging journey to conceive but it also represents how fully present I was during the shoot. I felt really brave and strong photographing her. I was focused on celebrating this time for her and her precious little girl to be (whom i am calling "lil' schmoops"). I was waiting for that moment when I'd have to set down my camera and let the tears spill but they never came. To me this can only mean that motherhood no longer feels so far away for me. I also feel so grateful that I understand how being pregnant truly is such a miracle and I will never take it for granted as a photographer with future clients.
I've been bummed throughout this journey about how difficult it has been to be in the same room with a pregnant woman. Mainly because I love the energy they exude and the curves are so attractive to me as an artist. A lot of emotions (not so pretty ones) would surface and at times, left me with feelings of sadness and failure for days. It has taken me a long time to be sensitive with myself about those emotions, to know the difference between rational and irrational thoughts and to know what I can and cannot handle when it comes to being around pregnant friends, family members and strangers.
I know that it helped tremendously that Stacie has had her own journey and that she understands what it feels like to be where I am. She was very open and sensitive about our time together, giving me that space if I needed to stop at any given moment and asked me a few times if it is difficult to be around her. Her gentleness made this process even more magical.
Perhaps another reason why I am in such a centered space is that Boho Boy and I have decided that no matter how, we are going to have a baby this year. We've decided to adopt if it looks like we won't conceive soon. We are currently going to a very cool team of doctors (they're married) that are a balance between Eastern and Western philosophies. Tests are being taken and we are awaiting those results. We are also in close contact with a private Adoption Consultant and are already in the process of figuring out what/when/how it all feels right to us in regards to timing. Interesting how both of these avenues came into our lives simultaneously but we're not trying to figure out why. We're just going with the flow.
As all this is unfolding, some amazing career opportunities are opening up for me. I've been hired by said Adoption Consultant for a photo journalism project. In a few days I am flying to a few places around the country to interview families that have adopted through this consultant. Then I get to photograph them and their gorgeous children. The woman that hired me and I have formed a purely magical and harmonious relationship and I am stoked about us collaborating on a few projects even beyond this one.
It is a dream for me to be part of a project like this and I find it very interesting that it is unfolding in the same year that we will be parents.
I know this is huge news. Gigantic news. Boho Boy and I have had many conversations about it and have come to the conclusion that we just don't need to suffer any longer. We've opened our heart to adoption and although we are not rushing into it, we know it is something we feel comfortable with whether it is for our first or second child. Whether it is this year or a few years from now but regardless, our family will begin to grow this year. Both of us, side by side, have been following our hearts and all the signs and we are each in harmony about this decision.
So, dreams are unfolding. Not only dreams of motherhood but dreams of writing and photographing. With all this awareness, I am reflecting on this journey full of pain (and joy) and am able to see and trust more and more clearly why it all happened the way it did.
The other morning I woke up to the sound of a gentle little voice calling out to me "mom!". I quickly opened up my eyes and laid there starring up at the ceiling with my heart pounding. It felt so real. So close. I laughed a bit over how bizarre it felt. Then I cried a bit over it. Then I reveled in the idea that it will be a reality and that I am slowly letting go of how.