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Monday, January 14

dreams unfolding*


stacie...the pregnant rock~star princess, canon digital rebel xti

I know I keep posting photos of Schmoopy. I just can't get enough of the beauty that illuminates from her soul right now. These photos not only capture the peace and serenity she feels following a challenging journey to conceive but it also represents how fully present I was during the shoot. I felt really brave and strong photographing her. I was focused on celebrating this time for her and her precious little girl to be (whom i am calling "lil' schmoops"). I was waiting for that moment when I'd have to set down my camera and let the tears spill but they never came. To me this can only mean that motherhood no longer feels so far away for me. I also feel so grateful that I understand how being pregnant truly is such a miracle and I will never take it for granted as a photographer with future clients.

I've been bummed throughout this journey about how difficult it has been to be in the same room with a pregnant woman. Mainly because I love the energy they exude and the curves are so attractive to me as an artist. A lot of emotions (not so pretty ones) would surface and at times, left me with feelings of sadness and failure for days. It has taken me a long time to be sensitive with myself about those emotions, to know the difference between rational and irrational thoughts and to know what I can and cannot handle when it comes to being around pregnant friends, family members and strangers.

I know that it helped tremendously that Stacie has had her own journey and that she understands what it feels like to be where I am. She was very open and sensitive about our time together, giving me that space if I needed to stop at any given moment and asked me a few times if it is difficult to be around her. Her gentleness made this process even more magical.

Perhaps another reason why I am in such a centered space is that Boho Boy and I have decided that no matter how, we are going to have a baby this year. We've decided to adopt if it looks like we won't conceive soon. We are currently going to a very cool team of doctors (they're married) that are a balance between Eastern and Western philosophies. Tests are being taken and we are awaiting those results. We are also in close contact with a private Adoption Consultant and are already in the process of figuring out what/when/how it all feels right to us in regards to timing. Interesting how both of these avenues came into our lives simultaneously but we're not trying to figure out why. We're just going with the flow.

As all this is unfolding, some amazing career opportunities are opening up for me. I've been hired by said Adoption Consultant for a photo journalism project. In a few days I am flying to a few places around the country to interview families that have adopted through this consultant. Then I get to photograph them and their gorgeous children. The woman that hired me and I have formed a purely magical and harmonious relationship and I am stoked about us collaborating on a few projects even beyond this one.

It is a dream for me to be part of a project like this and I find it very interesting that it is unfolding in the same year that we will be parents.

I know this is huge news. Gigantic news. Boho Boy and I have had many conversations about it and have come to the conclusion that we just don't need to suffer any longer. We've opened our heart to adoption and although we are not rushing into it, we know it is something we feel comfortable with whether it is for our first or second child. Whether it is this year or a few years from now but regardless, our family will begin to grow this year. Both of us, side by side, have been following our hearts and all the signs and we are each in harmony about this decision.

So, dreams are unfolding. Not only dreams of motherhood but dreams of writing and photographing. With all this awareness, I am reflecting on this journey full of pain (and joy) and am able to see and trust more and more clearly why it all happened the way it did.

The other morning I woke up to the sound of a gentle little voice calling out to me "mom!". I quickly opened up my eyes and laid there starring up at the ceiling with my heart pounding. It felt so real. So close. I laughed a bit over how bizarre it felt. Then I cried a bit over it. Then I reveled in the idea that it will be a reality and that I am slowly letting go of how.

54 Comments:

Blogger Toni said...

So So Brave you are dear boho. Wishing you the best for all your dreams as they unfold. Such an inspiration to all that pass and join you along this path. You'll both be the most wonderful parents to your children. Such a blessing it will be for them and you.

Sending you sweet love with hugs with all of my heart to you both,

Love Toni

January 14, 2008 at 3:34:00 PM PST  
Blogger Schmoops said...

i am just sitting here letting the tears flow as i read your gentle words,
my heart warmed for all that is opening up for you, chills for the way you were awaken the other morning.
giddy for what the future holds as your dreams unfold.

xoxo

January 14, 2008 at 3:48:00 PM PST  
Blogger Kristin said...

You're wise not to question why the doctors and the adoption agency came into your life at the same time. You're brave to pursue all the avenues before you. And you'll know what is right, and you're be blessed with perfect timing for your family.

I've been reading your blog for quite some time now. I think I've commented once. I am encouraged by your photographs and the pictures you make with your words, as I too have been on an infertility journey that led us to adoption.

January 14, 2008 at 4:10:00 PM PST  
Blogger rubyslippers said...

i have goosebumps all over! no matter how your child comes to you...you were meant to do this project! wow, thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. i'm always humbled by how the Universe always has a plan.
xoxo

January 14, 2008 at 5:07:00 PM PST  
Blogger Georgia said...

Everything about this post has filled me with joy. Thank you for sharing it all here with us.

xoxo
Georgia

January 14, 2008 at 5:07:00 PM PST  
Blogger Megan said...

WOW! What an exciting time this is for you! I'm already on the edge of my seat to see what happens next!

January 14, 2008 at 5:17:00 PM PST  
Blogger LeS said...

this is just PERFECT. so good when the universe sends such clear tangible signs! excellent.

January 14, 2008 at 5:27:00 PM PST  
Anonymous lindsey said...

go, denise, go! this is going to be an amazing year for you and your husband. i can't wait to see how it unfolds for you.

January 14, 2008 at 5:41:00 PM PST  
Anonymous swirlyange said...

Oh Boho, I got such goosebumps when I read about your 'wakeup call' the other morning. How magical!

I've been a 'lurker' (why does that sound so dodgy?!?) here for awhile now.....quietly sending you love and prayers for your journey. I'm so happy for you and the place of peace you seem to have reached.....it feels like such a powerful time in your life. I can only imagine the beauty that is about to unfold for you.
Much love,
swirlyange xoxo

January 14, 2008 at 6:04:00 PM PST  
Blogger gem said...

i have goosebumps. i am giddy--the giddy grew as i journeyed through your post. i *get at the core how right/true this is--this journey. you are a faithful, inspiring warrior-wonder-goddess. i just feel like shoutin' "hooray, hooray, hooray!" and doin' a little dance for you & your man.
big, widening love,
gem

January 14, 2008 at 6:09:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so so happy for you. When I read this I can feel the peace surrounding you. You and your husband are going to be fabulous parents.

Best,


Cha

January 14, 2008 at 6:52:00 PM PST  
Anonymous emily said...

this is beautiful. just beautiful. your choices, your journey. all of it. beautiful.

January 14, 2008 at 6:52:00 PM PST  
Blogger Jaime said...

I was initially attracted to your site because of your photography, and have been following your journey for awhile now. Even though I am pretty much a complete stranger, I just wanted to congratulate you on your decision. You seem very happy with it, and that is always a good thing. : )

Oh, and I love the photos you have been posting lately.

January 14, 2008 at 6:56:00 PM PST  
Blogger Jme said...

Your posts always seem to resonate so deeply within my soul. It's as though you know me and are able to put my thoughts into words. I am along on this journey with you and I know how extremely difficult it is. I applaud your strength and tenderness. We have recently come to the same decision you have about becoming parents this year...and my heart has been so softened to this decision that I'm actually excited again for the first time in a long time. I pray for your continued determination and can't wait to eventually see the post of the child that joins your family. What a lucky baby! Thanks for sharing so much of yourself and reminding me that I'm by no means on this journey alone.

January 14, 2008 at 7:10:00 PM PST  
Blogger tiny noises said...

and i thought I had magical things happening this week--mine pale in comparison! i love magic and am so happy for you and your hubby! and congrats on the projects that are lining up. good good things. . .

January 14, 2008 at 8:47:00 PM PST  
Blogger mames said...

what a wonderful thing to read...i am so very happy to hear of your decision. i do not know if this is relevant information, but our friend's brother and wife were in a similar place as you and your husband are now, they were in the process of adopting a child and became pregnant with their first and ended up with two within a year of each other...i just thought i would share because i remember your post about twins. the world and its forces work in amazing ways and i think they are all behind you and your husband right now. yay!

January 14, 2008 at 9:14:00 PM PST  
OpenID portabellopixie said...

This is the most beautiful post I have ever read. Anywhere. Thank you!

I'm going to go hug my kids and bawl for the rest of the night now LOL.

Sandi

January 14, 2008 at 9:30:00 PM PST  
Blogger pERiWinKle said...

Isn't is just magical how the Universe prepare us for it all?
to have met this couple...to be able to photograph' other families...who in return is going to prepare you for what ever is going to happen...I'm right behind you Bohogirl...(I'll carry your camera bag and a box tissues for when you are overwhelmed with good emotions!:-)...and today I feel the need to protect you?! Take care of your heart Sweetie..and know how much you are loved! Oh! So so very much ! Saying a little prayer right now for your hearts! xx

January 14, 2008 at 11:04:00 PM PST  
Blogger Indie Mama said...

happy, happy, happy for you!

xxoo

January 14, 2008 at 11:17:00 PM PST  
Blogger Annie said...

You're going to make a wonderful mother! Congratulations and thanks for sharing your beautiful photos, art and thoughts. :)

January 14, 2008 at 11:33:00 PM PST  
Blogger DD said...

Incidentally, that is the decision I have come to as well: that this year, we will put an end to my, our suffering, give up on conveicing if it's not meant to be, and adopt. I feel much happier now, and it was wonderful to read about your decision and your happiness.

January 15, 2008 at 3:27:00 AM PST  
Blogger Vanessa said...

wow... you just made me cry.
i am so happy for you, denise. every single word of this post exudes peace and contentment. congratulations to you and your boho boy for having such huge and such very open hearts.
Vx

January 15, 2008 at 3:56:00 AM PST  
Blogger kristen said...

This is so great, congratulations. I'm really excited for you and Boho boy. By opening yourselves you've allowed for the universe to provide and it's ripe with excitement!

I can't wait to hear about your new assignment and travels, and if you find yourself in the tri-state area, I'd love to share a cup of tea with you.

This is all so good.

January 15, 2008 at 4:30:00 AM PST  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

You make me happy and inspire me love.

I am so utterly blown away by these photos of Stacie. Holy shit your photography skills are truly awe inspiring. Your beauty-your soul your light shines through-it combines and flows with the beauty of your subjects own and travels delicately through the lens. The results are truly astounding.

I cry with the hope that some day I can have you take photos of me.

Tears stream as i too just this past week have come to a readiness to be open to doing our last frozen cycle and how our paths so often meet and travel along side eachother.

Your friendship is like a buoy- it guides me and keeps me afloat.

I love you madly and deeply.

t2t
h2h
c2c
b2b
f2f

January 15, 2008 at 4:33:00 AM PST  
Blogger Lisa said...

How sweet and beautiful! Your writings and photos exude peace, love, and grace. I look forward to reading more about your journey. Blessings to you both!

January 15, 2008 at 5:15:00 AM PST  
Blogger pink sky said...

i know the magic of adoption and am grateful every day for how these winding life paths bring people together. the universe finds a way to put the perfect family together. however your comes to be, i know it will be rich in love! please share all the juicy morsels of this project of yours...i am love reading the happily ever after tales of other adoptees. any chance you will be in the northeast... i would love us to share stories :) xo

January 15, 2008 at 6:23:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you take magical fairy princess pictures!

your path is revealing itself and in a beautiful way. babies come to us in many forms, some we hold within and some we get to cherish and raise.

so nice to see your hopes and dreams coming to a reality.

i wish you peace love & light~

January 15, 2008 at 6:41:00 AM PST  
Blogger ~Michelle~ said...

Beautiful! Exciting! You sound so at peace and so accepting, allowing everything to unfold, just the way it is meant to and in its own timing. Adoption is a beautiful way to expand your family! Cheers!

January 15, 2008 at 9:21:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband and I have been working towards the place where you and boho boy are at this moment, becoming a family through adoption

When you wrote of the gentle little voice calling you "mom", it really got to me

Recently, I had a dream where a little boy came up to me and put his hand in mine and told me that I was now his mommy

Seems the universe has a way of gently
leading us towards our children

I wish you and your loving man so much joy as you step towards your lucky, lucky child

January 15, 2008 at 10:54:00 AM PST  
Blogger liz elayne said...

i am smiling widely as i read your words this morning...such beautiful goodness in this post.
wishing you joy and peace on your exciting journey...

January 15, 2008 at 11:32:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Andrea D said...

HOORAY!!!! I am so excited and thrilled for you - people like you should become parents. Because you care about raising open-minded healthy kids in a home filled with love, passion and art. I am ecstatic for you <3!

January 15, 2008 at 12:01:00 PM PST  
Blogger Lianne said...

She's coming... she just needed to get your attention.

Thank you for loving Stacie enough to embrace her in your camera lens. She truly is magical.

I am thrilled for you and your new expedition! YEAH!

January 15, 2008 at 1:01:00 PM PST  
Blogger pERiWinKle said...

for always making my day...I gave you a 'make my day award'...look on my blog...xx

January 15, 2008 at 1:22:00 PM PST  
Blogger brittany said...

yay! horay for new years and lives full of potential and dreams coming true...

xox

January 15, 2008 at 1:27:00 PM PST  
Blogger Ames said...

I continually come back to your blog, not only to find peaceful words and beautiful thoughts, but awaiting the happy news that I know will be yours to share soon. Fell the love and hugs coming from half a world away.

January 15, 2008 at 6:22:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have tears of joy in my eyes because I am just so happy for you and your husband!

January 15, 2008 at 6:27:00 PM PST  
Blogger blisswarrior said...

again, you are so strong and it makes my heart smile...
the new project is just more evidence of you being exactly where you need to be...

January 15, 2008 at 7:29:00 PM PST  
Blogger Karen said...

attamom . . .

January 15, 2008 at 8:51:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What great news !! To go out on a limb and take that step is GREAT !
Just when you go through all the steps in the adoption process is when you will wake up in the morning and realize that you actually have a little one inside of you. It happened to me. Just speaking from the heart. Best Wishes and many blessings being sent your way !

January 16, 2008 at 4:36:00 AM PST  
Blogger Leigh said...

Your posts (this one and the one for your mom) made me cry - you are in such a beautiful place right now - I feel it through the interweb ;)

I'm so happy for you and Boho Boy - can't wait to read more about your journey to Boho Babe

January 16, 2008 at 6:07:00 AM PST  
Blogger chest of drawers said...

Boho Babe, you are one lucky child to be coming into this wonderful, loving environment your 2 parents have created.

January 16, 2008 at 9:02:00 AM PST  
Blogger Swirly said...

Lovely, lovely, lovely YOU.

January 16, 2008 at 12:10:00 PM PST  
Blogger britt said...

congratulations and how beautiful. i can't wait to see what the coming year brings!

January 16, 2008 at 1:05:00 PM PST  
Blogger Penny said...

The boho baby coming into your life is going to be so filled with love and joy. Congratulations. 2008 is going to be a magical year for you both. Thank you so much for always sharing, you are an inspiration. xx

January 17, 2008 at 12:47:00 AM PST  
Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

i am crying and smiling all at the same time ;-)
these photos of stacie...all of them...are SO gorgeous, sweetie!!!
i'm so excited for you and your boy and for this year that is unfolding with infinite possibility.
love and hugs to both.
xoxoxo

January 17, 2008 at 5:50:00 AM PST  
Blogger tan!a said...

I am touched by your words…
"Then I reveled in the idea that it will be a reality and that I am slowly letting go of how."

Thanks for sharing these magical unfolding moments…

liefs,
Tan!a

January 17, 2008 at 8:24:00 AM PST  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

what you shared in the last paragraph gave me chills! wow!

January 17, 2008 at 11:04:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Megan said...

beautiful girl..
I'm so excited for you and this journey (both of them). You will excel at anything you do, I just know it. I can't wait to meet your beautiful babe and see your beautiful pictures...
You are blessed

January 17, 2008 at 3:35:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my heart is with you on your travels - on a plane and this year. this photojournalism projects sounds simply divine. you are such a beautiful soul and your words and images inspire me beyond words.

much love to you sweet one.
xo
stefanie renee

January 17, 2008 at 9:51:00 PM PST  
Blogger Zombie Mom said...

Congrats... I am delurking to wish you all the best... I a mom via adoption after much infertility and heartache. I love, love, love being a mom and even cherish those moments at three in the morning when my daughter needs comforting and pets my face with chubby, sticky fingers as I hold her tear and sleep damp body next to mine... Enjoy... congrats... its huge to have so much baby energy flowing in one family..

January 20, 2008 at 4:19:00 PM PST  
Blogger Lucky Candice said...

Wow, that's incredible news. I was adopted but not as a baby. I was 7 years old. It has been a long, hard road but I congratulate you in your decision. How excited you must be!!

LC

January 20, 2008 at 7:00:00 PM PST  
Blogger Blue's Creative Outlet said...

We are also in the process of adopting a child after going through some very painful 2ndary infertility issues. I wish you peace, joy and luck on your journey as well. :)
-Mary

January 20, 2008 at 10:50:00 PM PST  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

I am SOOOO happy for you--just beyond thrilled.

You are going to be such a wonderful mama!

January 24, 2008 at 1:46:00 PM PST  
Blogger Kathleen said...

oh girl.
there is one lucky child in your future. you and your man are going to be such amazing parents...
and so the journey begins...i look forward to reading about it.

much love to you, amazing sister.

January 29, 2008 at 7:41:00 PM PST  

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