loving gently*

me & boho boy in san francisco, taken by andrea scher

I was looking at a close up of a picture of my husband's face today. I got a bit lost in his hazel eyes and felt my throat tighten as my eyes filled with tears. What evoked this emotion was the deep love I hold for him in my heart and the gratefulness that I didn't push him away when I was frightened in the beginning.

I had done so much seeking and healing in my life prior to meeting him and felt I was in a really good space. I had been hurt in the past and when Boho Boy came into my life all perfect and beautiful, those past fears resurfaced and I was afraid. Afraid to let go again, to trust and to give of myself. This is when I learned that no matter how centered you feel, stuff from the past can come up and trigger you.

When I think back to that time, I remember his patience and his ability to not take my fear personally. He was able to be gentle, quietly tip toeing towards my heart when what he really wanted to do was run towards it and embrace it fiercely. He was a true friend that always left me with the words "no expectations" each weekend when he'd leave Santa Barbara back to his home in San Diego.

He understood this fear very intimately and before he had met me, he had done a lot of work on his own fears in regards to love. A lot of healing. So he got me and was able to practice the patience he had learned to have for himself.

When I would subconsciously fight him out of distrust, he would gently hold that space for me and would ask "what are you afraid of?" and I'd have to search my heart to discover what it was. I would find that truth and we'd work through it. I have never seen love the way he loves. Even today, five and a half years after meeting him, I am still learning from him how to love fully with complete abandon.

There are areas where I feel I teach him and help him grow in so many ways...but when it comes to love, I still feel like a scared little bunny at times and it is his emotional intelligence that carries me through. He teaches me how to love him fully without losing myself by his example of how he loves me fully without losing himself.

I fall deeper into him every day. This afternoon, when I was looking at that picture, into his eyes...I felt so much. More than I ever thought I could possibly feel for another human being. I cried because fear didn't consume me... only an openness that I didn't know I was capable of.

I heard this song today and I dedicate it to my amazing husband and our story:

"Beautiful Dawn" by the Wailin' Jennys

Take me to the breaking of a beautiful dawn
Take me to the place where we come from
Take me to the end so I can see the start
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Take me to the place where I don't feel so small
Take me where I don't need to stand so tall
Take me to the edge so I can fall apart
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Take me where love isn't up for sale
Take me where our hearts are not so frail
Take me where the fire still owns its spark
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Teach me how to see when I close my eyes
Teach me to forgive and to apologize
Show me how to love in the darkest dark
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Take me where the angels are close at hand
Take me where the ocean meets the sky and the land
Show me to the wisdom of the evening star
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Take me to the place where I feel no shame
Take me where the courage doesn't need a name
Learning how to cry is the hardest part
There's only one way to mend a broken heart