Wednesday, January 9

loving gently*

me & boho boy in san francisco, taken by andrea scher

I was looking at a close up of a picture of my husband's face today. I got a bit lost in his hazel eyes and felt my throat tighten as my eyes filled with tears. What evoked this emotion was the deep love I hold for him in my heart and the gratefulness that I didn't push him away when I was frightened in the beginning.

I had done so much seeking and healing in my life prior to meeting him and felt I was in a really good space. I had been hurt in the past and when Boho Boy came into my life all perfect and beautiful, those past fears resurfaced and I was afraid. Afraid to let go again, to trust and to give of myself. This is when I learned that no matter how centered you feel, stuff from the past can come up and trigger you.

When I think back to that time, I remember his patience and his ability to not take my fear personally. He was able to be gentle, quietly tip toeing towards my heart when what he really wanted to do was run towards it and embrace it fiercely. He was a true friend that always left me with the words "no expectations" each weekend when he'd leave Santa Barbara back to his home in San Diego.

He understood this fear very intimately and before he had met me, he had done a lot of work on his own fears in regards to love. A lot of healing. So he got me and was able to practice the patience he had learned to have for himself.

When I would subconsciously fight him out of distrust, he would gently hold that space for me and would ask "what are you afraid of?" and I'd have to search my heart to discover what it was. I would find that truth and we'd work through it. I have never seen love the way he loves. Even today, five and a half years after meeting him, I am still learning from him how to love fully with complete abandon.

There are areas where I feel I teach him and help him grow in so many ways...but when it comes to love, I still feel like a scared little bunny at times and it is his emotional intelligence that carries me through. He teaches me how to love him fully without losing myself by his example of how he loves me fully without losing himself.

I fall deeper into him every day. This afternoon, when I was looking at that picture, into his eyes...I felt so much. More than I ever thought I could possibly feel for another human being. I cried because fear didn't consume me... only an openness that I didn't know I was capable of.

I heard this song today and I dedicate it to my amazing husband and our story:

"Beautiful Dawn" by the Wailin' Jennys

Take me to the breaking of a beautiful dawn
Take me to the place where we come from
Take me to the end so I can see the start
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Take me to the place where I don't feel so small
Take me where I don't need to stand so tall
Take me to the edge so I can fall apart
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Take me where love isn't up for sale
Take me where our hearts are not so frail
Take me where the fire still owns its spark
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Teach me how to see when I close my eyes
Teach me to forgive and to apologize
Show me how to love in the darkest dark
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Take me where the angels are close at hand
Take me where the ocean meets the sky and the land
Show me to the wisdom of the evening star
There's only one way to mend a broken heart

Take me to the place where I feel no shame
Take me where the courage doesn't need a name
Learning how to cry is the hardest part
There's only one way to mend a broken heart


Blogger Toni M Photography said...

*Hugs* for being the brave one and sharing this with us. I too am stuggling with being able to let go and trust again. Each day is a tiny step in getting and I am ever so grateful for T and his patience. Thank you again for sharing such a personal post,

Big Hugs,
Love Toni

January 9, 2008 at 4:03:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and i love him for you...
jen gray

January 9, 2008 at 4:12:00 PM PST  
Blogger sas said...

Such bohobravery :) Your quiet strength is an inspiration. I think Rumi said (completely paraphrasing here) that we need to learn not how to love, but how to remove all the barriers to love that we create. I am learning to heal me so I can meet someone as a whole person. Hugs to you.

January 9, 2008 at 4:45:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well my Boho sister....you then truly see my little brother and the the shield of honor he carries in respect for a wonderful soulmate in his life.You have just experienced something rare in this world....He too is one of "The Last of the Knights"and one things for sure my little brother is gonna treat ya like a lady; you have never felt before.Enjoy,embrace and relish the inner fire of LOVE and RESPECT for a MATE,a lover,a friend....Your energy together is just beginning to meld as one.......you each have a whole life together....wow what an exciting trip its gonna be..HEE HEE.....Peace and Love to you both...I am proud of YOU BOTH ......as ONE.
Jon-Erik Kroon...and Ghozt

January 9, 2008 at 4:47:00 PM PST  
Blogger christina said...

"I fall deeper into him everyday" Simply beautiful.

January 9, 2008 at 7:19:00 PM PST  
Blogger Stacy said...

oh honey, this made me cry. the love you both share is amazing and you have expressed it here so beautifully. i want to give you both a great big hug.

i can't stop staring at that photo! there are just so many layers here that andrea captured. the way you are looking at him and the way he is holding your hand while looking at the camera. natural and fun-loving, like two kids at play. sigh.

you both are truly incredible, as a couple and as individuals.

love you

January 9, 2008 at 7:55:00 PM PST  
Blogger Jennifer said...

What a beautiful story. Thank you for being so open and honest about your feelings. Usually people only tell the "fairy tale" side of their relationship, and leave out the messy stuff. It gets me wondering if it is meant to be then does that mean there should be no "messy" times. Yet we all travel down the path, and it is not a straight path either. Thank you for reminding me of this.

I love this photo of you to. Your smiling is brilliant. And I just love the way you are looking out him. I know I don't know you personally, but in this photo you look so calm, relaxed, like you are in a safe place, and like you are meant to be right there.

January 9, 2008 at 8:42:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

a gorgeous expression of love. thank you for sharing it.

January 9, 2008 at 10:40:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Boho& Boy, what a wonderful life you have,could you do a ''voice over''so I (we) can put it to the beauty,would love to hear the accent while reading... being from aussie XXOO this year is YOURS XXXOOO

January 10, 2008 at 3:13:00 AM PST  
Blogger Susannah Conway said...

oh, i recognise this song... you guys teach me every single day... how to (re)open to love, and how to be brave enough to let it back in xoxox

January 10, 2008 at 3:36:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beautiful post Denise. I'm so happy you have that kind of love in your life. And I LOVE the Wailin' Jennys. I met a girl who used to be part of the band at a couple parties this summer. Such talent!

January 10, 2008 at 3:58:00 AM PST  
Blogger kristen said...

this photo is lovely - the look on your face is magical.

shallow girl that i am, i love your outfit too - you've got great style. xo

January 10, 2008 at 5:00:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank you...

January 10, 2008 at 8:38:00 AM PST  
Blogger Jamie said...

It takes alot of love & courage to be so open about a relationship that is so personal.
Thank you for sharing, it's beautiful.

I hope that I find that love again. You give me hope.

January 10, 2008 at 8:40:00 AM PST  
Blogger Lisa said...

Oh, so lovely!

January 10, 2008 at 11:03:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a small world! I have been reading your blog for almost 2 years and live in Winnipeg (home of the Jennys). I will pass along this post to Nicky, Ruth, and Cara (former Jenny). They will be delighted!

January 10, 2008 at 11:46:00 AM PST  
Blogger thea said...

My heart filled with happiness as I read this post my love.

Your poetic words and openess makes me smile and tear at the same time.

I love how you love-the two of you. Gorgeous and awe inspiring.

Love you

January 11, 2008 at 4:40:00 AM PST  
Blogger Martha-Anne said...

wow, such a gorgeous story and song!

January 11, 2008 at 6:32:00 AM PST  
Blogger mccabe said...

oh sweets,

this is such a dear post. (and i am loving the photo) boho boy is no dummy...he knew you were well worth the wait and he was right. :)

funny, this story so reminds me of justin and i. especially boho boys gentle nature and emotional intelligence.

you two are beautiful,
inside and out.


January 11, 2008 at 11:57:00 AM PST  
Blogger Denise said...

When I first saw this picture of you and your husband I thought you were pregnant! Maybe you are just filled and beaming with love, joy, peace!

January 11, 2008 at 12:53:00 PM PST  
Blogger Lucia said...

What a gorgeous picture of the two of you. Beautiful people, inside and out.

January 11, 2008 at 2:20:00 PM PST  
Blogger Sarcomical said...

amazingly beautiful. both that image of the two of you, and your sharing. as usual, thank you for expressing something so wonderfully.


January 11, 2008 at 3:14:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really enjoy reading your words & living vicariously through your art every couple days. Have you heard of the California Worldfest in Grass Valley? Loads of music, art, workshops, yummy food and camping under the stars (sounds right up your alley)Anyway, The Wailin' Jennys are playing this summer! www.worldfest.net
-Kelly from Chico

January 11, 2008 at 8:44:00 PM PST  
Blogger Jamie Welsh Watson said...

What a beautiful post. I feel it is very similar to the beginning of my relationship to my husband, too. Thank you for sharing.

November 13, 2008 at 6:07:00 PM PST  

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