moment by moment*
daisy in my home, canon digital rebel xti
Last night my husband and I gathered up our favorite snacks in a bag, loaded up my backpack with books and cleaned our VW bus in preparation for a day at the beach today. Being that it is a holiday, we figured we'd need to pull up to a spot early. So, we woke up at 5am and shuffled our bodies around our home in quietness. I was really looking forward to this and so was he. We've been inside quite a bit lately...busy with work and feeling a primal need to whole up and reserve our energies for the coming months of our adoption journey. Breathing in the ocean air and being one with the sand was a way to gently step outside of our bubble.
We pulled up to a spot up top a tiny cliff facing the ocean. It was icy cold but we were prepared. We pulled down the back seat that folds into a full size bed, piled it high with fleece and down blankets and pillows and snuggled under the covers. We had planned to get there early and soak in some more sleep as we waited for the sun to rise, making the beach warm enough to set up camp. We slept deep for a few hours to the sound of the waves crashing...lulling us into a harmonic rhythm of breathing.
When we woke up, it was still too cold to be on the beach. It was gray, empty, damp and muddy from the high tide. I found myself longing to be back home, settled back into the warmth where my head didn't feel the ache that comes from dampness. Boho boy had the same needs and we packed back up and headed back to our kitties.
I don't know why I am sharing this. I just felt the need to write it out. I suppose it seems so often that when my husband and I make a plan...whether it be for conceiving, adopting, what we're eating for dinner that night or how we're going to spend our day, the plan seems to evolve into something entirely different than we expected. There was a time in my life when I didn't quite unfold into change as naturally as I am now. I had almost always gotten my way and imagined my life would forever flow into this pattern. It's embarrassing to admit but waking up to see that the beach was not habitable for the day might have really rocked my world years ago. I am noticing that as much as I have always been calm and serene on the outside it is only lately in my life that my heart harmonizes with that feeling on the inside.
Not to say that with this peace there is no pain. The last few days I've been very weepy. This journey has an ebb and flow that I've become accustom to. Last week I was in such a Zen space fully trusting, not feeling attached to any one outcome of a birth mom, open to other possibilities...but yesterday something happened that sort of shook me out of that space and into a place of facing some harsh realities. Some fears came up and vulnerabilities. I found myself needing to sit quietly with it, rocking in our new rocking chair and starring out the window into nothingness. Giving my heart a soft break from all the push and pull of emotions.
I've been feeling that because this ride is going to be taking me to all these places I've never been, that I need to just whole up and reserve all the energy I can muster. I've been a bit quiet. Not blogging as much, not emailing, phoning or making any set plans for the near future. I am craving the idea of just getting to the next moment with no expectations on myself or anyone else. Perhaps it is overwhelm and my primal need to just survive but simplicity is what my heart needs right now. I am grateful that at this time in my life, I am surrounded by gentle souls, both family and dear friends that respect and honor what we need.
I received an email from my loving father today telling us we're not alone and that the family is with us in every step, cheering us on. He encouraged me to be gentle and take care of myself and to not worry about the family or anyone else but what we're going through. My father can be so quiet but yet when he speaks it has this profound effect on me. He's going through a tough time physically and knows I want to go out there and take care of him, yet what he wants more is for me to take care of myself. I felt like he was channeling all the loved ones in our life with what they wanted/needed to say to us during this time. The message I keep getting is to not take too much on and to relax into each moment with no expectations or plans.
I'm going to go downstairs and sit back on that new rocking chair to read and perhaps even close my eyes and rock myself to sleep...or even let some tears fall, put my hand on my heart and just breathe one full breath at a time.
Moment by moment is the only thing that makes sense to me right now.