Monday, February 18

moment by moment*

daisy in my home, canon digital rebel xti

Last night my husband and I gathered up our favorite snacks in a bag, loaded up my backpack with books and cleaned our VW bus in preparation for a day at the beach today. Being that it is a holiday, we figured we'd need to pull up to a spot early. So, we woke up at 5am and shuffled our bodies around our home in quietness. I was really looking forward to this and so was he. We've been inside quite a bit lately...busy with work and feeling a primal need to whole up and reserve our energies for the coming months of our adoption journey. Breathing in the ocean air and being one with the sand was a way to gently step outside of our bubble.

We pulled up to a spot up top a tiny cliff facing the ocean. It was icy cold but we were prepared. We pulled down the back seat that folds into a full size bed, piled it high with fleece and down blankets and pillows and snuggled under the covers. We had planned to get there early and soak in some more sleep as we waited for the sun to rise, making the beach warm enough to set up camp. We slept deep for a few hours to the sound of the waves crashing...lulling us into a harmonic rhythm of breathing.

When we woke up, it was still too cold to be on the beach. It was gray, empty, damp and muddy from the high tide. I found myself longing to be back home, settled back into the warmth where my head didn't feel the ache that comes from dampness. Boho boy had the same needs and we packed back up and headed back to our kitties.

I don't know why I am sharing this. I just felt the need to write it out. I suppose it seems so often that when my husband and I make a plan...whether it be for conceiving, adopting, what we're eating for dinner that night or how we're going to spend our day, the plan seems to evolve into something entirely different than we expected. There was a time in my life when I didn't quite unfold into change as naturally as I am now. I had almost always gotten my way and imagined my life would forever flow into this pattern. It's embarrassing to admit but waking up to see that the beach was not habitable for the day might have really rocked my world years ago. I am noticing that as much as I have always been calm and serene on the outside it is only lately in my life that my heart harmonizes with that feeling on the inside.

Not to say that with this peace there is no pain. The last few days I've been very weepy. This journey has an ebb and flow that I've become accustom to. Last week I was in such a Zen space fully trusting, not feeling attached to any one outcome of a birth mom, open to other possibilities...but yesterday something happened that sort of shook me out of that space and into a place of facing some harsh realities. Some fears came up and vulnerabilities. I found myself needing to sit quietly with it, rocking in our new rocking chair and starring out the window into nothingness. Giving my heart a soft break from all the push and pull of emotions.

I've been feeling that because this ride is going to be taking me to all these places I've never been, that I need to just whole up and reserve all the energy I can muster. I've been a bit quiet. Not blogging as much, not emailing, phoning or making any set plans for the near future. I am craving the idea of just getting to the next moment with no expectations on myself or anyone else. Perhaps it is overwhelm and my primal need to just survive but simplicity is what my heart needs right now. I am grateful that at this time in my life, I am surrounded by gentle souls, both family and dear friends that respect and honor what we need.

I received an email from my loving father today telling us we're not alone and that the family is with us in every step, cheering us on. He encouraged me to be gentle and take care of myself and to not worry about the family or anyone else but what we're going through. My father can be so quiet but yet when he speaks it has this profound effect on me. He's going through a tough time physically and knows I want to go out there and take care of him, yet what he wants more is for me to take care of myself. I felt like he was channeling all the loved ones in our life with what they wanted/needed to say to us during this time. The message I keep getting is to not take too much on and to relax into each moment with no expectations or plans.

I'm going to go downstairs and sit back on that new rocking chair to read and perhaps even close my eyes and rock myself to sleep...or even let some tears fall, put my hand on my heart and just breathe one full breath at a time.

Moment by moment is the only thing that makes sense to me right now.


Blogger Toni M Photography said...

:) Sending a huge hug, my love.

Love Toni

February 18, 2008 at 2:09:00 PM PST  
Blogger Ames and Mick said...

It's beautiful that you two make plans like this. So many of us are caught up in doing the dishes and making the bed. How brilliant that you can plan a little getaway just cos!
It may not have worked out this time but the sun will come out one of there days.


February 18, 2008 at 2:26:00 PM PST  
Blogger christianne said...

oh, boho girl, your words brought tears to me today. to have watched your journey with boho boy through this and to see the place you now stand, together, so full of excitement and anticipation of what lies up around this next bend . . . it fills me with such gladness for so many things, not the least of which is your fierce love for one another and little boho baby. i love reading the way you both have learned to care for each other and yourselves in this space, even in times when the house is quiet, the rocking chair is lulling, and the tears are falling. moment by moment, sweet girl, sounds just right in that space.

thank you for visiting me and kirsten today. we have both been so blessed by your words and sweet, giving spirit full of love.

February 18, 2008 at 3:14:00 PM PST  
Blogger Linda Salas said...

rockaby boho! enjoy the chair, enjoy this moment, let go, I love reading your posts, they put me in the now.


February 18, 2008 at 3:28:00 PM PST  
Blogger Jessica S. said...

holding you in my smile, my tears and my joy for you...I believe deep in my spirit that you will be just fine denise, just fine.

February 18, 2008 at 3:46:00 PM PST  
Blogger all over the map said...

I have to still work on not letting "the stuff" we can't control rock my world. I sometimes fail miserably.
Timing is everything, and I can't help but be excited for you and yours. I fully believe God places everything you need in your path and shows you the way. This new journey of adoption is awesome. The whole way it has unravelled is not by chance or mishap.
Take care of you.

February 18, 2008 at 4:02:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

with you.
xoxo, playing with your hair, scratching your arm.
jen gray

February 18, 2008 at 5:56:00 PM PST  
Blogger Shama-Lama Mama said...

I love how you said you have to "whole up". The commonly used phrase is to "hole up", which is to dig down into your little burrow, maybe do some hibernating... but I love, for your situation, the happy mistake of "whole-ing up"! Becoming whole.

You always seem to have the knack of being just where you need to be... to experience just what you need to experience.

If you like good music (and it seems you do), you should check out the joyful (early) music of Poi Dog Pondering. Lots of wonderful affirmations, including, "I'm standing exactly where I'm supposed to be!"

February 18, 2008 at 6:49:00 PM PST  
Blogger dean said...

So nice that you are concious of your journey, and that having a magnificient plan (no matter how beach-worthy or baby-worthy), is not the important aspect. It's in the learning, the hardness of moments -- and finding the softness that you contain to gently lead you through each of those moments.

February 18, 2008 at 10:55:00 PM PST  
Blogger she saw things said...

i just wanted to send a little bit of myself to you right now.

letting go has always been my challenge too. i truly relate to what you wrote about that...

jen downer

February 19, 2008 at 10:13:00 AM PST  
Blogger Bethany Bassett said...

The amazing daisy photo... the idea of snuggling in a down comforter bed on a beach cliff... the reminder to relax gently into my days "moment by moment"... They've all provided me with what I call my daily dose of beauty. Thank you so much for sharing your inner loveliness!

February 19, 2008 at 11:08:00 AM PST  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

"There was a time in my life when I didn't quite unfold into change as naturally as I am now. I had almost always gotten my way and imagined my life would forever flow into this pattern." So uncanny, reading this--because it is just what I have been reflecting on myself lately...

February 19, 2008 at 12:12:00 PM PST  
Blogger pERiWinKle said...

when you left to go home from the beach...I arrived in 'Langebaan' on the west coast of South Africa...the sun was high and shining...but the sea a bit unsettled...

I took my camera...looked at the sun...and started shooting photos. While doing it...my thoughts were with you...where you are...my arm around your shoulders...hugging you tight...loving you..right there on the chair...

The one photo I took was with the sun right from the front at the top..and it is so bright that you cannot see anything else...except at the bottom 2 little fishing boats...one Boho boy...and the other you! with the sun shining on your faces! xx

February 19, 2008 at 12:38:00 PM PST  
Blogger AnnaC said...

Your post today is so timely. I feel your peace. And the peace as you describe it is not so elusive to me anymore.

The other day, a friend asked a question around the table; I can't remember exactly what it was, but the end result was to say when we were happiest.


Right now.

This is not to say, laughing all the time, everything is wonderful, everything is great...

Not like that happy. But, I finally feel like no matter what, I can handle it. Even if handling it is falling down. So when sadness or pain or frustration creep in... it's ok. It won't last. Learning to flow with life the changes, the ups and downs has truly changed the way I experience the world.

February 19, 2008 at 12:39:00 PM PST  
Blogger Kate James said...

Sharing your thoughts, feelings and the beautiful images you create is so generous of you Boho...particularly when you may not really have the energy for it.

Enjoy the rocking chair. That's the perfect thing to soothe your soul.

February 19, 2008 at 12:57:00 PM PST  
Blogger Flowers said...

i'm new here and something moved me so i will be back again soon. what a great space.

February 19, 2008 at 5:11:00 PM PST  
Blogger kirsten said...

so moved by your words, beautiful girl. it is such a gentle, deep-breathing wisdom you share. i am beginning to recognize that the world will not come to an end when my plans are derailed, that sometimes beauty & truth & peace are to be found in what we do not expect or cannot plan for.

peace to you,

February 19, 2008 at 8:27:00 PM PST  
Blogger Jacinta said...

There is something therapeutic about stillness in the comfort of one's own home.
There is a Sanskrit saying ... padam padam... step by step. It has a beautiful calm about it that I love and I was reminded of it by this post.
Have a lovely day and be still and then you will be ready to resume the journey.

February 20, 2008 at 11:34:00 AM PST  
Blogger meghan said...

hold onto those moments love. Keep breathing - I will breathe deeply for you all the way over here.

take every moment you need.



February 20, 2008 at 1:34:00 PM PST  
Blogger Cali said...

Just know that I'm sending you lots of hugs from Baltimore. Hang in there, sweet boho, and keep taking such good care of yourself. You are PRECIOUS.
Love, calissa

February 20, 2008 at 5:16:00 PM PST  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

this was such a beautiful post deni...it reminded me of one of my life's stories...for my 30th birthday i passed out roses & cards to 30 people that had had in impact on me in my 1st 30 years...well one of my friends loved the idea and did the same thing when she turned 30...and i was one of her 30...in her card to me she said how sorry she was that my life didn't turn out the way i had expected/planned...with a divorce...and an unplanned pregnancy, etc...but i realized while reading her card how glad i was that it didn't turn out the way i'd expected/planned because what i got may have had its very painful moments but i really was happy with my life...even if it looked different than i'd always imagined.

February 21, 2008 at 7:05:00 AM PST  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

This is exactly what I needed to read. I am soooo glad you wrote about this honey. And I have been very absent from this communication stuff too. Coming here and reading this post tonight was exactly what I needed.

Thank you

I love you

February 25, 2008 at 4:12:00 PM PST  

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