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Wednesday, February 27

needing the love*


me last year, canon digital rebel xt

The last few days have been so completely topsy turvy...whirly twirly...curly whirly. Those are the best combination of words to describe the loss of footing I have felt.

As I write this, I am back to both feet being on the ground but I am feeling quite emotionally spent. Like I need to go to a movie theater tomorrow and just veg out on films that have not one ounce of drama. Popcorn included. Perhaps even some chocolate. All. day. long.

I'm not comfortable going into too many details out of respect for the lovely birth mom and her right to privacy but I do feel the need to spill some emotions and ask for gentle lovins from my blog family.

This particular situation has shifted in that there is a really good chance we need to open our hearts to other birth moms. I attempted to do this all along but I think because she was my first and only or perhaps because she was just so damn cool and kindred...I have felt really attached to her and this baby. As much as I tried to be the all together potential adoptive parent by saying I wasn't attached and fully aware of all the potential fall through's that could happen, my heart was in a different place. I did imagine her face when thinking of "the one" and I did imagine her handing us her child, giving us complete heart-full permission to parent that baby she has been carrying. This awareness of my attachment all surfaced at the thought of losing her, losing them in our life.

So, I've been grieving. It feels like a loss and I've had to dive down deep into my heart and decipher all the reasons why I felt this was the one. I am needing to make room for the possibility that she isn't and some other beautiful, courageous, brave woman out there is carrying our child.

It's just a shift. It's a grieving process that all adoptive parents go through if things surface and plans have to change.

I've talked on the phone all day with our superstar adoption consultant Tammy. I sat on the couch with my husband when he returned from work and we talked through all of our emotions slowly, carefully and mindfully. I then talked all night on the phone with my marmie, moving through it all with her from beginning to end. The lump-in-your-throat tears spilled each time until that big deep breath came to cleanse it all away. Because of all this, I've worked through so much of it and I do see the light and I fully get that this first birth mom was all part of our path, part of our eyes and hearts opening to the idea of our baby coming to us through adoption. So much so that at this point in my journey, adopting feels more peaceful to me than getting pregnant. I'm ready to be a parent. That is also a shift I have to recognize that is pretty awesome. For this I am eternally grateful to this first birth mom in my life.

At the very foundation of all the shock, sadness and emotion, there is still a sense of relief that comes from discovering some clear answers out of a well of confusion we had been feeling. Like we're getting that permission to breathe, step back and re-evaluate our hearts and needs.

I'm still grieving.

I know I don't ask for this often but I would love some hugs and affirmation through this. I actually have a really difficult time with the idea of asking for help. I don't feel comfy with that type of attention or admission of needing anything from loved ones but I am letting my guard down. I'm a Big Strong Girl but part of being strong is opening your hands and heart to the awareness that you can't always do it alone.

I was wondering if you, my blog family, could send us some prayers, lit candles, affirmations, poetry, uplifting adoption stories, dreams, inspirations, gentleness...for my husband, for me and for the precious birth mom in our life that needs it even more than we do.

Thank you, dear souls.

So, as I finished writing this and was just about to publish this post, my husband rolls his desk chair up to mine and made a sound of poop coming out of a diaper while spreading his hand from my shirt up to my face (like our baby's poop spilling all over me) and said..."are you sure you're ready for that?!?!?" with a huge smile on his face.

We laughed, hugged and both said yes. How I adore that he knows how to lift our hearts with his humor...even in the midst of grief.

106 Comments:

Blogger sweet expressions said...

you are such a heartfelt writer and
I believe in my heart that your dreams will come true. I truly believe that there is a child waiting for you and your husband to become their parents! your family is in my constant prayers and the only positive affirmation I can think of
to say to you is Faith.

February 27, 2008 at 9:37:00 PM PST  
Blogger Deirdre said...

There's a lit candle on my desk right now. I absolutely believe your child is on its way to you now. Maybe not this one, but the one you're meant to parent. Soon. You're so ready.

February 27, 2008 at 9:49:00 PM PST  
Blogger Christy said...

Denise,
I don't even 'member how I found your blog...it's been more than a year, 'cause via your blog I found your sisters and followed through Mark's ordeal.

I have lots of words to share, most of which are fluff, and I'll save for another time.

You don't know me, so perhaps (I hope) that will make this more powerful...If I were an unborn child, the spirits could give me no greater gift than entrust you to be my mom.

You heart know this, your head will catch up: never fear, there is a tiny soul out there that great powers than us have a plan for.. That plan? For you to be the momma.

Sit tight. Breathe deep. In the long run, moments like this will fly by. Pain is brief. Love last forever. Your have your one forever love in Boho boy...your baby forever love will come soon, for the simple reason that the spirits know how much love and wisdom you have to share and will give you the right baby love to share it with.

Tears are OK right now. They don't sour a thing. Your power is that you feel things "here and now" AS WELL AS know thinggs "for someday."

Take it all...popcorn and chocolate, margaritas and dip, whatever. Here and now, always and forever, you WILL be the right momma for the baby soul that you're gifted. There is a power. There is plan. Stay peaceful. Know you're loved.

February 27, 2008 at 9:54:00 PM PST  
Blogger Cathy said...

I'm sending you support and peace on your adoption journey. We adopted a baby through open adoption who is now a beautiful, sweet, and funny two-year-old boy! I became attached to a few potential birthmoms before we met J, who gave birth to our wonderful son. I understand how discouraging and disappointing the process can be. But it will happen for you! And when you meet your baby you'll know that he or she is the perfect child for you. Keep writing and talking about how you're feeling, be open to the possibilities, and I suggest taking a vacation (every time we went away somehow there was a flurry of potential adoption activity). Sending you hugs and best wishes.

February 27, 2008 at 9:55:00 PM PST  
Blogger I AM said...

Sending you love and support.

Thank you for trusting us enough to share your story and ask for help. You are not only a big strong girl, but a brave a soulful one as well.

February 27, 2008 at 10:09:00 PM PST  
Anonymous amystery said...

I've been absent with words, but here in presence all along. I just want to send you some love and let you know that all my thoughts are on their way, on the wind to you.

February 27, 2008 at 10:11:00 PM PST  
Blogger Jaclyn said...

I wish I could lift your heart with some humour like dear BohoBoy...

Just know that somewhere there is a sweet BohoBabe waiting to meet you two, feel your love, and you'll get to meet the kindred being that is growing in your heart right now.

Your words, your kindness oozes off the page, and everyone involved will be in my thoughts.

Jaclyn

February 27, 2008 at 10:41:00 PM PST  
Blogger Josh & Kenna said...

I must come clean. I follow your blog religiously. I just recently had brain surgery and my husband and I are also on the path towards adoption. Your words have been a strength to me these past weeks and months as I have been embarking on life and it's so random trials. Thank you for opening up to people like me, people you don't even know. You have touched me in a way no one else has been able to.

February 27, 2008 at 11:03:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Mademoiselle said...

Lay It All Down | Fleetwood Mac
Let me retell
A story of old
About a man named moses
Who lived long ago
He prophicied good
He prophicied bad
And now that prophecy’s
Coming to pass

Let all your sons, and your daughters
Of the golden calf
Lay down your burden of sorrow
Lay down your burden of hurt
Lay it all down, for paradise here on earth

A whole lot of people, including myself
Thought the story of moses was just a tall tale
But all of the things that we see going on
Are just what moses set down

Let all your sons, and your daughters
Of the golden-yeah
Lay down your burden of sorrow
Lay down your burden of hurt
Lay it all down, for paradise here on earth

Let me retell
A story I know
About a man named moses
Who lived long ago
He prophicied good
He prophicied bad
And now that prophecy’s
Coming to pass

Let all your sons, and your daughters
Of the golden-yeah
Lay down your burden of sorrow
Lay down your burden of hurt
Lay down your burden of sorrow
Lay down your burden of hurt
Lay down your burden of sorrow
Lay down your burden of hurt
I just can’t imagine a reason for sorrow
Just can’t imagine the hurt
You’ve got to lay it down
You’ve got to lay it down
You’ve got to lay it down
You’ve got to lay it down
I said lay down your burden of sorrow
Lay down your burden of hurt
Lay down your burden of sorrow
There’s just no reason to hurt
You’ve got to lay down your burden of sorrow
Lay down your burden of hurt
I said
Lay it all down, for paradise here on earth

♥Lighting a candle & overflowing with love for the both of you tonight & your soon to be babe too♥

February 27, 2008 at 11:12:00 PM PST  
Anonymous amy said...

i haven't had the privilege of meeting either of you in person but from your gorgeous words and photos and the tribe of wonderful women who gravitate to your kind heart, I know that you will be wonderful parents. take care.

February 27, 2008 at 11:21:00 PM PST  
Blogger Pen said...

i have no wise words to offer - but i have a lot of love and hugs to send. you are both amazing x

February 28, 2008 at 12:19:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Right Brained Gal said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I don't think there is a more honest, beautifully written, or emotional blog on the web than yours.

There is no reason you are not going to be a mother, it will happen at the exact right time. God knows wonderful parents when he sees them. I thought I would never have children, but I did in God's time and I have been forever grateful. Just relax and enjoy the journey. My prayers are with you.

February 28, 2008 at 1:24:00 AM PST  
Anonymous susan said...

i have been a birth mother in a process where i was given three profiles to choose from. if none of them had been what i was looking for i would be given another three. i didn't think i had any preconceived idea of what i was looking for for my baby boy, and yet i knew them when i saw them. i hope and pray every day that i made the right decision. as a birth mother you can't let the enormity of the decision you are making overwhelm you, because it is a concept that's so hard to grasp. as a parent you are constantly making little decisions in the best interests of your child throughout their lives, each decision shifting that childs life a degree or two in one direction, and if you go too far you can adjust and shift back. as a birth parent there is just the one monumental decision and then nothing. it is probably the most terrifying single decision you can make. and yet for me it was based on nothing more than the birth parents i chose, just FELT right.

obviously i dont know the circumstances that may have changed in your birth moms decision making process, but be strong. the one that will choose you is out there, and she will be wise and your child blessed and lucky to have done so.

i would have chosen you in a heartbeat.

February 28, 2008 at 1:40:00 AM PST  
Blogger Susannah said...

my angel, you're going to be receiving super-charged doses of love for the next few days, beaming straight from the south coast of England... we're thinking of you non-stop, and we love you so much

sus & swirly xxoxoxox

February 28, 2008 at 1:50:00 AM PST  
Blogger megg said...

hey you - (I'm glad it got there when it did now!!!)

Sending you love and support and prayers and energy and silliness and everything you could need. I'll light a candle for you when I get home tonight!

xo

February 28, 2008 at 2:33:00 AM PST  
Anonymous deniz said...

your journey is a long one - and your emotions are taking you to new and different places. look at how this experience has brought you and your husband so close and so together - many of us wish to have that bond - and only a few of us have it.

every day is beautiful and your gift will be here soon.

lighting a candle for you from the east coast.

dma

February 28, 2008 at 2:56:00 AM PST  
Blogger Julia said...

The right child will come to you at the right time. I am certain of this.
Lighting candles too!

February 28, 2008 at 3:19:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is so wonderful that you can ask for support. I too feel that your baby will come to you in time. So hugs and love to you!

February 28, 2008 at 3:38:00 AM PST  
Blogger Mollie said...

I only know you through your words and pictures, but I have this vision of you and your husband running down the beach with your wee one, laughing and being in love as a family.

You are a tremendous soul.

Much love,
Mollie

February 28, 2008 at 4:02:00 AM PST  
Blogger Christine said...

wow - i can't imagine handling this journey with such grace, tenderness and love. my god hold you in this place until your little one arrives in your arms.

with much awe
Christine

February 28, 2008 at 4:15:00 AM PST  
OpenID swampgirl said...

ere is the paradox --- with love always comes the potential for loss. this kind of grief can only be felt by those who are ready for love. to me that is amazing! and is what came to mind this morning at my computer, sipping my coffee, with sunlight pouring into my kitchen from the woods.

giant love beams coming atcha from this lurker.

February 28, 2008 at 4:37:00 AM PST  
Blogger wordnerd said...

I'm also hold a spot for you in my heart this week. You and Boho Boy are such thoughtful, warm and conscious people....I have faith that the right baby will be yours...soon...very soon.

I'm sorry you are hurting, I wish there was something I could do to take even a little bit of it off of your shoulders. Please know that I am thinking of you through the telephone wires.

February 28, 2008 at 5:05:00 AM PST  
Anonymous blissful*thinking said...

you have said and thought all the wise things i could muster on my own...so for you i have lots of love, big warm girlie bear hugs, and a dose of confidence in the knowledge that the universe is responding exactly as it should...you and your little one are finding your way to each other. by opening your heart and soul to receive all this lovelovelove...it only makes you more ready for little one.

February 28, 2008 at 5:21:00 AM PST  
Anonymous bella said...

Sending you love, hope, wishes, comfort, and peace through this process. You have so many rocks to hug onto through this, especially your Boho boy. He has a beautiful way with you - and that is inspiring.

February 28, 2008 at 5:26:00 AM PST  
Blogger brooke said...

I have cautiously read your blog over the past year, your words have kind of been like my favorite e.e. cummings poem- "in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me, or which i cannot touch because they are too near". I feel like I am walking two steps behind you in my own journey for a family. Sometimes it feels too near to read your words, because I resonate so deeply with the grief and loss, frustration and hope- all mingled together. Anyway, a few weeks ago, my husband and I made that big decision that we were open to adoption. I wandered to your blog around that time, and there were those beautiful words that I needed. They were very near, but I was able to sit in them, and find comfort in your courage, because I have been scared to death. It is is strange thing to put our words and hearts out there, not sure where they are landing or finding a home. I don't know how stories get weaved together, but they do, and I am thankful for the mystery of it, as it has given me something to lean on. thank you dear person. brooke

February 28, 2008 at 5:26:00 AM PST  
Blogger Elle said...

Oh, honey - I am sending you all the love and magic I know how. All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.

Here is a link to one of my dear friends' blogs - they had a long, drawn-out road to adoption which is all chronicled there, and now they have an adorable little boy named Jeremiah. May it bless you.

Love to you.

February 28, 2008 at 5:41:00 AM PST  
Blogger Elle said...

ooops - it would help if I put the link. :)

http://littlemisseva.blogspot.com/

February 28, 2008 at 5:42:00 AM PST  
Blogger tina said...

in my mind i've sent a gigantic hug out into the wind. it's coming straight toward you and all those walking on this dear path of yours. your wisdom in knowing that asking for help is part of being a big strong girl is an inspiration to me.

February 28, 2008 at 6:55:00 AM PST  
Blogger solsticedreamer said...

I came here via 'small is beautiful' and have spent...ages...reading your words and looking at your pictures, i know i will be back again.
your words brings tears to my eyes and as a stranger send my hopes your way for the year ahead
xoxoxo

February 28, 2008 at 7:00:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two candles lit and a prayer sent to heaven...for you...

February 28, 2008 at 7:20:00 AM PST  
Blogger Eileen W. said...

I am new to your journey and I've felt heartened by your words, pictures and feelings as you go. I too, will most likely adopt in the future and I so greatly appreciate your openness in sharing this path.

I am sending you and your husband my prayers, love and support as you grieve. I am also lighting my candle- hope is her name.
xo Eileen

February 28, 2008 at 7:21:00 AM PST  
Blogger ttdavis said...

you are so brave
and beautiful
and loving
and strong
and perfect

thank you
for allowing
us to carry you
and love you
through this journey

i love you.

tammy

February 28, 2008 at 7:51:00 AM PST  
Blogger daisies said...

will think of you all when i light my candles tonight ... warm hugs darling girl and much love ... xo

February 28, 2008 at 8:14:00 AM PST  
Blogger Abra said...

I am glad to see that I am not the only one who is a virtual stranger that has been touched by your words and your story. I also can not remember how I found your blog but am glad that I have because you are a beautiful human being inside and out and I enjoy sharing your journey in a unobtrusive way. I hope that I can impart comfort to you in some way with my poem inspired by you and what you are going through. It is wonderful that there are people out there so willing to take on the life of a child. Jehovah is the hearer of prayer so never neglect to pray.

"Waiting for Family"

Heart wide open
Hands longing to hold
That one precious life
That little being
Who is to become
Family.

Inevitably, an open heart
Leads to vulnerability
Exposing depth of character
Testing the very essence of being
Shaking confidence in self.

The road is long
Travel is hard
But knowing the destination
Makes the journey sweet
Because at the end is
Family.

Roads are also twisted
Sometimes unable to see
Beyond the bend ahead
Destination hidden from sight
Testing ones faith.

There will be pain
Scars will testify to this
But the strength
That results from trial
Is all worth the joy of
Family.

February 28, 2008 at 8:19:00 AM PST  
Blogger Jodi said...

How does one tell their heart not to get attached to the idea of the child they have been waiting for finally arriving? I don't think it is possible. I remember trying to force myself not to fall in love with my new son because things were not yet "for sure", but eventually I realized I was in it and if things went wrong, I would be devastated, but I couldn't help myself.

YOUR child is out there, waiting to come home, and if this is someone else's child, then that is the way it shall be. God knows exactly who you are supposed to parent, who you and your husband need to be the mom and dad of, he has it all worked out for that little baby and for you two, so I will pray for peace and patience while you wait for YOUR child to come home to your arms. And then you will rejoice because you will be certain that the long, hard journey has been leading up to that moment all along.

February 28, 2008 at 8:26:00 AM PST  
Blogger sufferingsummer said...

I'm delurking to share a favorite E.E. Cummings for you. I love your blog, your vision and honesty. I take refuge in it often. Thank you.

For 5 years I thought I'd never have a little you-i and now I do and am expecting my next. No matter what I will never take that for granted and adoption is also on the distant horizon for us as I can't imagine the letting go of that reality that was so very very close to my heart. Becoming a mother is what some of us were made for. Clearly you. I'll be thinking of you today.

From Adult Nursery Rhymes

1

o by the by
has anybody seen
little you-i
who stood on a green
hill and threw
his wish at blue

with a swoop and a dart
out flew his wish
(it dived like a fish
but it climbed like a dream)
throbbing like a heart
singing like a flame

blue took it my
far beyond far
and high beyond high
bluer took it your
but bluest took it our
away beyond where

what a wonderful thing
is the end of a string
(murmurs little you-i
as the hill becomes nil)
and will somebody tell
me why people let go

e.e. cummings

Though I find it incredibly important to let go of certain things and move beyond our own limitations there are other elements to ourselves that are so important to hold onto.

Thank you for sharing your journey, it brings much hope and just who you are brings much inspiration.

February 28, 2008 at 8:48:00 AM PST  
Blogger Sarah said...

Denise, I haven't written here before but I've been reading for a while, all about your journey. This story is probably from a different perspective than you were thinking, but I wanted to tell you about my brother. He's adopted, way back when I was 5 and he was almost 2. He's from El Salvador, so that adoption was very different from what you're looking at. But my parents (and I, as a little girl), waited and waited and waited for him. Different things happened and the truth is that I was so small that I don't remember them all, but I remember some of the disappointment and grief. But it was all worth it that day we went to the airport and watched him get off the plane with his social worker. Now, he's 100% my brother. It was so worth the wait and the pain for my family to get him, to have the one who was for us. And it will be worth it for you, too. But for now, hold your heart gently. Take care.

February 28, 2008 at 8:52:00 AM PST  
Blogger Schmoops said...

oodles of love and good energy being sent your way. i am lighting five candles tonight, for all of you, including my hope candle and the yummy smelling one.

moment by moment sweets.
poop by poop... ; )

i love you.
xoxo

February 28, 2008 at 8:57:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Denise,

We are thinking of you and loving you and the boy. It is meant to be - and it will happen. Hugs, hugs and more hugs to you.


Rochelle, Sam & Samantha

February 28, 2008 at 9:00:00 AM PST  
OpenID meetinggrace said...

I'll share a favorite quote of mine that always helps me let go a little bit, helps me when I feel like I'm hanging on too tight to how I think things should go. And I think you're already doing this, and just need the affirmation. Thanks for your honest words and for letting us into your life.

Lizzie

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
- Joseph Campbell

February 28, 2008 at 9:12:00 AM PST  
Blogger E said...

Delurking to tell you that someone in Austin -- whom you don't know but loves your blog and amazing circle of friends -- is sending you light and support. My best friend went through infertility and the same adoption roller coaster you are in...and she is still on that wild ride, waiting for her second child. What she does have is an amazing 4-year old daughter. Your little boho baby is out there! Sometimes we have days where we can't keep the faith on our own. Even on days your faith falters, remember hundreds of us out here are holding onto that dream with faith and love for you.

E

February 28, 2008 at 9:28:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My heart knows that your baby will come, from somewhere, somehow...sometime soon.

In the meantime, here is a quote that I believe I got from Andrea Scher's website that illustrates that even small painful steps yield great results in the end...

"Even if our efforts of attention seem for years to be producing no result, one day a light that is in exact proportion to them will flood the soul." ~Simone Weil

~denise m.

February 28, 2008 at 9:38:00 AM PST  
Blogger Sundries Sublime said...

Oooh! I will for sure be praying for you guys! I've been dealing with a diferent kind of loss and shift and loss and shift, for several months now. Ugh! It's so not fun! There are times I think I'm all healed and the pain is gone and then I'm blind-sided by grief again. My heart aches for you during this time!!! I know we learn and grow from our jouneys, but man, sometimes I just want to get off the beaten path for a while!! I just want to sit by the side of the road and stop learning and growing and doing whatever else the damn journey is trying to do in my life!!

Hang in there my friend!!!

February 28, 2008 at 10:19:00 AM PST  
Blogger Fran said...

You are deep in my thoughs and my prayers.

February 28, 2008 at 10:26:00 AM PST  
Anonymous christine said...

I am saying a prayer for you, dear girl, and your husband and the precious birth mom in your life. I can only imagine how difficult this all might be, but I can tell that you are ready, that you will be an amazing mama when it finally does -- and it will! -- happen. I have hope.

February 28, 2008 at 10:26:00 AM PST  
OpenID waitingonthefrontporch said...

i always send you my love, on my daily visits...altho i rarely comment...
now i'm sending you more...

February 28, 2008 at 10:33:00 AM PST  
Anonymous lindsey said...

oh my goodness, the part about your husband made me giggle. you guys are cute.

big time prayers coming your way!

February 28, 2008 at 11:31:00 AM PST  
Blogger Amanda said...

"may the nourishment of the earth be yours, may the clarity of light be yours, may the fluency of the ocean be yours, may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
and so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.
~john o'donohue

lighting a candle for you tonight.
sending you all so much love.

February 28, 2008 at 11:38:00 AM PST  
Blogger theclowers4 said...

your openness and honesty and vulnerability through your blog is refreshing and encouraging and challenging. thank you!
"may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." romans 15:13

February 28, 2008 at 11:40:00 AM PST  
Anonymous ering said...

Here's the amazing thing about the universe: from across the country and around the world, we circle around you. Even though we've never met and even though we've never seen your lovely smile in person or wrapped our arms around you while you cry, we believe.

Do what you need to do, sweet Denise, to take care of yourself and Boho Boy. We will loan you our hope when yours falters.

Loving wishes to your family and the lovely mama who will bring your baby into your waiting arms ...

February 28, 2008 at 11:45:00 AM PST  
Blogger Darlene said...

*praying*

*every day*

*every night*

*you sound so ready*

*I am so proud of you*

your b/sis
Dar

February 28, 2008 at 11:47:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've read your blog for a few years now and it's always so positive and warm, it makes my day. I will also be going the adoption route within the next few years and just wanted to add a comment that I'm wishing you the best.

February 28, 2008 at 12:07:00 PM PST  
Blogger kristen said...

i have this lovely little gem of a book, the cosmic ordering wish book, and everyday, i'm going to write a line for you and boho boy and your baby, who is on the way.

that's the beautiful thing about wishes honey, they can come from anywhere and it does my own heart good to wish for someone other than myself.

warm hugs from the cold northeast.

February 28, 2008 at 12:10:00 PM PST  
Blogger Tea said...

I lit a candle next to my computer this morning--something I never do--without even knowing why. Now I get it.

I am so impressed and inspired by the intentional, thoughtful, considerate, and fully heart open way in which you are going through this process. When emotions are so strong and near the surface, it can be hard when things shift (and it seems that this is all happening so quickly, no?).

Know that each mountain climbed makes you stronger, clearer about your intention. It cannot be easy, but you are walking this path so bravely. In the end it will have been so worth it, poop and all.

Sending candlelight and the warmest of thoughts your way.

February 28, 2008 at 12:22:00 PM PST  
Blogger brittany said...

how sorry I am that you have reason to grieve yet again. Dear friend, know that you are loved. This long road to parenthood will have a happy ending and you will be wrapped in so much joy that you won't know how to contain it! It will be oozing out of you even in the midst of dirty diapers and temper tantrums. Even when you're so exhausted from trying to get the child to sleep and eat (doesn't it sound so simple?!), I know that you will be pleased to have reason to be so exhausted. And when you want to go to the bathroom in peace and those little hands open the door, you will smile because you will always have that reality in the back of your head of what you are going through today. I bet it will get you through a lot of exruciating moments that all parents go through in the name of parenthood. You are blessed among women, sweet boho, and your blessings will be open for everyone to behold because of your open sweet character that we all love and adore.

love and prayers to you and for you.

xox
Britt

February 28, 2008 at 12:27:00 PM PST  
Blogger PixieDust said...

I am at work right now, but I'm sending blessing into the universe for you, your hubby, and your baby who will soon fill your arms and heart.

As soon as I make it home I will light a boho candle, a baby candle to guide the blessings home.

(((HUGS))),
Love,
Me

February 28, 2008 at 12:27:00 PM PST  
Blogger Debbie said...

I relate in my own very personal way to connecting to someone (or something) so deeply and feeling that it is right with every cell in your body and visualizing in your mind all the details of it in what feels to be an effortless way.

And I know how it feels to then have the universe shift direction. It almost feels as though the universe made a mistake: "wait, that can't be right. this is the path. I am certain of it. It feels SO right!"

And then the sweet surrender that follows when you let go of the resistance, open your heart and flow with the universe and trust that the universe is indeed bringing to you exactly what you need and what your soul truly desires. and what may appear to be a shift away from what you are wanting is actually the road to what you are wanting and so much more.

Sending love. strength. comfort. and kindness.

May you fully allow your life to unfold.

February 28, 2008 at 1:14:00 PM PST  
Blogger The Whole Self said...

thinking of you and lighting some incense...

February 28, 2008 at 1:44:00 PM PST  
Blogger Martha-Anne said...

My thoughts are with you, Boho Boy & Girl...

February 28, 2008 at 1:59:00 PM PST  
Anonymous kelsie said...

sending love and support

February 28, 2008 at 3:06:00 PM PST  
Blogger sas said...

Big strong boho girl your baby is on its way to you. And when you hold your cherub in your arms you will be able to breath out and know that all fo this brought you to that moment and it was all worth it. Trust the universe. It's in the palm of your hand. Much love to you, Sas

February 28, 2008 at 3:16:00 PM PST  
Blogger Jennifer said...

I am not sure what to say to you exactly, but I want you to know that I am holding you and your dear husband in my dear heart tonight. I know this is really tough to you and I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I want you to know that I am here for you and anything you may need you have a large community out here that loves you, and would do anything to help lift this large burdeon from your shoulders.

With love,

Jennifer

February 28, 2008 at 4:05:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Caroline said...

<3

February 28, 2008 at 4:37:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Allison said...

Through my tears of both grief and hope for you, I know the hope is much stronger and will win the day. Prayers to you and your little one to be, in my heart.

February 28, 2008 at 5:22:00 PM PST  
Blogger bee said...

hi, denise....

((HUG)))

because one can never have too many.

February 28, 2008 at 5:39:00 PM PST  
Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

candles, candles burning bright...
sending you love and light, my brave and beautiful boho.
all my love,
k
xo

February 28, 2008 at 5:51:00 PM PST  
Blogger spike0216 said...

Oh you beautiful soul.

I know this is so difficult. You are incredibly strong, empathetic to the birthmom, insightful and honest. You are amazing for opening your heart up to all of us. And it takes courage to ask for help and for support.

So consider yourself hugged...now and any time you need it.

All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope...Alexander Dumas

February 28, 2008 at 6:22:00 PM PST  
Anonymous carie said...

Boho Girl,
I remember feeling those feelings. For me my period started at the exact same time with cramps so fierce, I felt as though I was physically having a miscarriage. The pain was terrible. And then slowly, I began to realize that our child was still out there. The one little soul that was meant to grow up in our home....was still searching for us. It wasn't a birthmother or a situation that I needed to count on. I needed to know, when the right little soul, found it's way to us....everything would go smoothly and it did.
You will be amazed when this process is complete and you are with your little one, how you will look back and see how much you grew though this experience, and how much you truly learned to trust....
My thoughts & prayers are with you and your family and the birthmother you had the blessing to get to know, for she too has taught you something that you will later call upon.....
Peace,
Carie

February 28, 2008 at 7:43:00 PM PST  
Blogger kelly said...

what a big journey you are on. and mr. boho's humor is perfect.
big hugs coming your way.

peace, k

February 28, 2008 at 7:58:00 PM PST  
Blogger elizabeth said...

Thinking of you and sending you love from far away...

February 28, 2008 at 8:06:00 PM PST  
Blogger jenica said...

i think it's beautiful and wonderful that your heart is so big and open that you could so give yourself to this first birth mom and baby. i think it says so much about the type of wonderful being that you are! the right baby at the right time will be placed in your arms and you'll know, Know, KNOW that this is YOUR child.

(((hugs))) to the boho's, numinous creatures that you both are!

love,
jenica

February 28, 2008 at 8:07:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Susan said...

((hugs))

A haiku for you, entitled "Soon"

quiet emptiness
fills with love and abundance
your hands will hold me

February 29, 2008 at 7:32:00 AM PST  
Blogger Vanessa said...

sending you beautiful, soothing love, denise and a big dollop of patience to add to the amazing powers of peaceful hope that you and boho boy already have.
Vx

February 29, 2008 at 7:42:00 AM PST  
Anonymous LD in PDX said...

I'll tell you what I used to tell my little first graders:

Ohhhhhh little pipkin! There will be a brighter day! Hang in there little tomato! The day is not over yet! So many things can change between here and there if you let them. You will end the day with a smile...watch!

Make room in your heart for a comfy resting spot for the wee one to come!

February 29, 2008 at 8:07:00 AM PST  
Blogger Karen said...

I don't know how my life will go, but I trust it completely.

All my love.

February 29, 2008 at 8:28:00 AM PST  
Blogger Aubrey said...

keep riding the waves, sweet boho.
your baby is on the next wave over giggling and squealing. a smile like the sun.

sending big luvins your way.

February 29, 2008 at 8:52:00 AM PST  
Blogger candypb said...

I have been there. I'm crying right beside you. It hurts so much and you dont' know if you can fully heal. No one can fully understand the pain and emotion unless they have been there. My prayers go out to you. And the pain will start to go away. It's a part of life where you have a chance grow. In time you will see the good in it all.
God Bless you and your husband.

February 29, 2008 at 9:21:00 AM PST  
Blogger Dr. S said...

I will be thinking about you both. Have faith! The right person is just around the corner. (I try to believe this when people tell it to me, too, though the person I'm waiting for isn't a small one!)

February 29, 2008 at 9:37:00 AM PST  
Blogger XT said...

I continue to be utterly blown away
by your clear voice, open heart, and fervent devotion to sharing your love with us and the one that is on their way. While I don't know you, I have been following your journey and you are truly a beautiful and inspiring soul sister. I will continue to hold you in my prayers while we allow the mystery to unfold...

February 29, 2008 at 9:43:00 AM PST  
Blogger mames said...

i send my thoughts and prayers to you and your boy in this time of process and change and opening and closing and waiting and hoping and loving toward your child soon-to-be. you are an amazing woman and mama that will receive the child of your heart and soul...and that child of yours will always know just how special he or she is because you have the amazing ability to convey your emotions and self.these chronicles of you have changed my life, my parenting, my ability to cherish and chronicle my days. thank you for your wonder and beauty and honesty....and you have all the hopes and prayers of this family as we follow this journey.

February 29, 2008 at 9:46:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Becca said...

Oh D...
The candle has been lit for months now. So, in spite of it all....the prayers, chants, daily affirmations, visualizations and deep deep wishes on stars, today, I will send you a hug, deep from inside...and squeeze you tightly. It's a journey and there will be road blocks, only to make you stronger. You can and will get through this, with whatever it takes.
xo Becca

February 29, 2008 at 10:27:00 AM PST  
Blogger Sarcomical said...

you know i am thinking of you. so hard. so dearly.

((**GINORMOUSLY HUGE HUG**))

xoxo

February 29, 2008 at 10:54:00 AM PST  
Blogger cynthia said...

Oh how I know how hard it is to ask for something you need. You are so brave and you and your dreams are in my thoughts today:)
Cynthia
Chinagirl

February 29, 2008 at 11:12:00 AM PST  
Blogger pERiWinKle said...

My dear Bohogirl and Bohoboy,

I can hear the disappointment in your words...the sadness of not being the one...the expectation of being and receiving...and now not expecting or receiving at this moment what you so much yarn for....the trying to understand why not you...why someone else... I hear questions and wonders...of when...how long...who....praying...visualising...dreaming... of the day that your little one (or two or three) is going to be placed into your arms... where yesterday couldn't be too early!

but on breathing out....

the knowing... the understanding... the trust...the opening up...and waiting...and trusting.... believing....where sometimes you don't even want to believe...but you don't know how to do that...and with your whole heart you take a step back...breath..trust.....know your time will come...

thinking in the back of your mind.....how long should we still be patient!? want to stand on a mountain top and just let all the frustration out......but instead - trying to stay calm and collected, trusting....(just to let it all out...)

and then we start again.

close your eyes...and imagine....

A circle of friends...in your house, with dressing up clothes, music, candles, wine. With paint! and glitter! We are making our own crowns..for we are all superheroes!? We are dancing....eating...laughing....crying....embracing....hugging......when we all fall down with happy exhaustion...we gather around you....we embrace you...snuggle up with you....we start praying....chanting...some are singing....meditating....everyone of us with you and Carsten, your babies and their birth mommies in our minds....in our meditations....in our hearts...thoughts...and prayers. We all fall asleep in the big Christmas bed in your living room...with peaceful...loved...full hearts....full of expectation for the new tomorrow...cause we know it is going to happen.

Love you Sweetie, love you soo much xx

February 29, 2008 at 12:17:00 PM PST  
Blogger nicole said...

i can't wait until it happens for you ... and it will, soon. until then, you continue to inspire and amaze with your strength and wisdom. xx

February 29, 2008 at 12:29:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Denise said...

Dear Denise,

I been a boho girl reader for a while, and I've never commented, but your post brought me to tears. My love goes out to your and your husband.

I do have a story to share - one of my dearest friends, we've known each other since we were 6 years old, found out that she and her husband could not have children without invitro in 2000. I spent time with them as they grieved this news, and as they listened to their hearts. What they heard was "Wait..." As they moved forward in their journey, I was able to share with them visions I had of toddlers in footy pj's running around their house, and so much love. Eight years later, a long journey of courts, the ups and downs of adoption, and it seemed like never-ending patience, they are the adoptive parents of three beautiful children ages 6, 4, and 2! The children's mom is my friend's niece and they needed a home. My friend and her husband created a family of five. "Wait..." indeed! I saw the vision fulfilled - toddlers and young children running around the house in footy pj's and so very, very much love.

I am so grateful for the gentle spirit I can connect with through your blog and I feel so secure that your vision will joyfully manifest like a flower opening its face to the warmth of the sun, a little at a time.

Sending you peace and love,
Denise

February 29, 2008 at 12:48:00 PM PST  
Anonymous amanda said...

My thoughts are with you and Boho Boy. I hope your grief is shortlived and that you will soon have your baby in your arms!
My Aunt was married later in life and after a little while she and her husband decided to adopt. One weekend they got a call from their adoption consultant who told them to drive to a certain place and to stop on the way to pick up some diapers because their son would be coming home with them that weekend! In 48 hours they went from waiting to becoming parents!!
I know the right child will come to you at the right time. Until then, I offer you all the love and hugs and support that you need.

February 29, 2008 at 4:25:00 PM PST  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

I'm not even sure if I can express in words how much all of your comments have meant to me.

I have read each of them, over and over, with tears spilling.

Both Boho Boy are so very grateful for this outpouring of support.

Thank you, so, so very much for your lit candles, prayers, affirmations, BEAUTIFUL poetry, lyrics, stories and hugs. I laughed, cried and took a huge breath knowing all would be well.

I think some of you may have assumed the birth mom didn't choose us. It was actually that she is having this child prematurely and our homestudy will not be done in time (this takes 5 weeks if expedited...we don't have that long). So, it is a legal issue.

Tammy is blessing us with other birth mom's to consider. The last few days I have allowed myself to grieve what I thought felt so right and have opened my heart to other possibilities.

With your help...

Thank you my friends and blog family.

We love you.
Denise

February 29, 2008 at 4:59:00 PM PST  
Blogger Lucky Candice said...

So many caring friends! I too am wishing you love. Hope. Faith. But of these, the most important is love.

LC

February 29, 2008 at 8:52:00 PM PST  
Anonymous melissa said...

You are such a beautiful soul and the right child will come into your life and be the luckiest child! Wish I could give you a hug in person but big hugs from here in NC.

March 1, 2008 at 8:20:00 AM PST  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

I have tears spilling-I wish I could put into words the feelings behind them-I can only trust that you can feel them-as I feel you from so far away.

I will light candles for you tonight my love-for you, C and the birth mom.

You are always in my pryares and thoughts love.

Asking for help is the strongest bravest thing ever.

snuggles
t2t
h2h
b2b
c2c
f2f

March 1, 2008 at 5:26:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sending our love, thoughts and prayers. What a beautiful outpouring of love and support XOXO. You are in the best of hands and hearts. I believe that everything happens for a reason. At this moment, you may not know why things are happening the way they are, but it will be clear one day soon. I do believe, without a doubt, that your baby knows that you and boho boy will be his/her mommy and daddy ~ he/she is figuring out how to get to you :)! What a blessing!
Always in our hearts ~ We love you, N, R, L and D

March 1, 2008 at 6:46:00 PM PST  
Blogger kirsten said...

prayers & love for you, dear boho girl. sending up prayers & love for you. for the mother you are, for the child you & your boho boy are meant to raise.

the best laid plans are your open hands. {love deb talan, don't we?}

blessings & peace,
*k

March 1, 2008 at 9:10:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not sure what has compelled me to share the poem below as it is I who wrote it and never share anything I have written through fear of embarrassment.

Hope it resonates for you as you and your hubbie continue your journey together through life.



‘Moment of Truth’

There comes a moment of welcome understanding
The realization, of all we have searched high and low for
An answer to the question, we have struggled hard to find
A mystical, a magical moment, a somewhat, conscious knowing of sorts

There comes a moment, of inspirational perception and recognition
That offers a peace, within the very rhythm, and beat of ones soul
A light bulb flashing moment, fuelled by the courage to seek
The truth we did forget, what we long ago, did somehow once know

There comes a moment of blinding enlightenment
A moment that fills and floods, to the brim until we just overflow
A moment, where passion sparkles, and rekindles, in the depth of ones eyes
For it is the moment we suddenly find our way, and to ourselves we do come back home

This moment may alight, in the moment of humble and silent reflection
In the search when we ask ourselves, who it is, that we truly are
The sifting and the delving, and the reaching far and deep within
With our journeys, taking us through terrain, stretching near, and sometimes so far

This moment can be suffocated, and choked within the experiences, of our yesterday
For the past has a silent power, to mould, and to ultimately shape
But this moment, refuses to lay idle, within the confines of our beings
Awaiting the chance to be set free, and to come forth, and to escape

This moment holds within its hand, the compass to where, we should be going
And all that we secretly pine for, aspire, and need to accept and imbue
Blessed with the knowledge, of why we feel as we feel
And in turn why we do, the things that we so often, unconsciously do

It is has been written, that we all possess, this ultimate truth of knowing
Buried deep within the chamber, of our sacred and internal souls
Believing we only need, to be sparked to conscious reflection
To discover what it is that our souls, do with truth, somehow just know

This moment, offers us one of the keys, to spiritual fulfillment
The opportunity to experience, for before us lays a feast, of such delectable choice
The chance to dance with freedom, amongst the songs of our hearts
And the gift to connect once and for all, with that of our souls true and inner voice

This moment is marked and etched upon the archives and deeds of our destiny
Some believe, written long before, in this life we did physically arrive
This moment has the power, to change our present journeys direction
And this moment, makes clear, there is so much more, to our existence and that of our lives

We are all in search of this inspiring and magical moment
In each and every life at different times, it will, and may surprisingly come
For one is granted the gift, of this long awaited moment
When the soul , the mind, and the body, finally beat together in unison, and as one

This moment, could very well, take its own moment
And if this moment could breathe, I am sure, that it somehow just would
If this moment had wings, it would spread them, and take flight
And if this moment could stop, this moment indeed must, and very well should

For this moment, is a truly life changing and life altering moment
This moment, in this life, we can never forget, or unlearn
For it is the blessed coming, and the arrival, of the long awaited moment
When ‘awareness’ dawns, and we know with conviction
our inner truth, our life’s meaning, and that of our souls purpose.

Simmi Simkin 2006

March 1, 2008 at 11:08:00 PM PST  
Blogger Lena said...

You have my love, all of it. I have read your blog for some time now and rarely comment. I feel as though I've walked my journey with fertility struggles right along with you. I have so much hope that your new little one is out there. I am sending many wonderful thoughts and wishes your way.
Hugs...

March 2, 2008 at 7:11:00 AM PST  
Blogger Sarah said...

It will happen.

March 2, 2008 at 8:46:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Sam said...

I'm adding my love and good wishes and heaping many, many blessings on you and Carsen as you go through this incredible journey, such a "long and winding road" - of course this has got to be really hard, but you are a beautiful, open, loving woman and you are going to make one kick ass mama! Your baby is surely on its way to you.

Also, don't be TOO afraid of the poop. It's really not THAT bad.

March 2, 2008 at 2:15:00 PM PST  
Anonymous stef said...

my love goes out to you...thinking of you often!

xo
stef

March 2, 2008 at 7:26:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have been thinking of you both as I continue to light my candle and hold you and the birth mom in my thoughts and heart.

i'm so sorry denise...i can't begin to understand how you and your man feel, i only know that pain and loss and disappointment that runs deeper than you can bare...

still lighting a candle and still thinking of you as you move through this and onto another moment of hope.

peace,
Lillithmother
www.changingwoman.wordpress.com

March 3, 2008 at 5:40:00 AM PST  
Blogger Alex aka Gypsy Girl said...

OY! I get to be #100 big hug! (Sorry I'm late!) Boho & Boho boy ~ You are so loved! I know I can't possibly know how it feels exactly, to go through what you're going through... But I am hear wishing for all the sorrow to melt as the sun begins to shine even brighter over there in Boho Land! I have no doubt that there is a baby on the way and it will be such a lucky one to have you as parents. Love & hugs ~ Squeezing you tightly!

March 3, 2008 at 10:11:00 AM PST  
Blogger Alison B. said...

i am both a photographer and an adoptive mama. i guess i should say i am a mama and a photographer now...anyway...

a friend sent your post to me because it so reminds her of our post. so similar to what we went through. we are praying for you and know that if you need anything, as much as a friend can provide in blog land, we will be there for you!

March 3, 2008 at 8:17:00 PM PST  
Blogger Louise said...

You are SO incredibly blessed to be surrounded by so many people who care about you so much!
I am sending up a prayer for you and some big huge hugs sent your way!!!

March 4, 2008 at 6:19:00 AM PST  
Blogger trying to write ... said...

this morning in the midst of dead grass and new snow was the first flower of spring in my garden ... i'm sending it to you ... praying for peace and blessing and expectancy for what will surely be new life in your life.


xoxo
g

March 4, 2008 at 6:38:00 AM PST  
Blogger Carmen said...

my thoughts and prayers are with your family

March 5, 2008 at 11:39:00 AM PST  
Anonymous pixie said...

oh, boho. i can't imagine what this journey must be like. i love carsten's sense of humor. poo humor can lift even the most tired of spirits. baby poo has a way of spreading whatever emotion you are experiencing just a little further. LOVE to you, sister. keep shining your shine when your light feels shiny.
p

March 10, 2008 at 2:30:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

I am praying for you to find your baby, sweetie. I know that he/she is out there for you. It will COME. Of this I have NO doubt.

March 23, 2008 at 10:41:00 AM PDT  

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