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Monday, February 11

peace comes in many packages*


photo by jen gray, processing by me (i felt so safe with her during this shoot)

I know I've been sort of quiet lately. I've come here a few times about to write some thoughts but they just wouldn't come out. So I let it be. I've never been one to force things. There are so many things flowing around in my head. So many deadlines for work. We're in the midst of adoption paperwork while at the same time getting results from our sweet doctors that gave us the most clear answers we've had as to what has prevented us from getting pregnant. So my heart and mind have been full to say the least.

It's all happening at once. All good things. All crazy good things. It's just so ironic. I have felt for years like I've been waiting, peering around the corner to see when my prize will show up and after years of waiting, I get like a thousand packages at my doorstep. You'd think I'd want to tear them all open but instead I am cradling each gift, putting it down, starring at it, meditating on it and moving to the next. I've only taken off the bows. I have yet to open them. That is what it feels like. I feel this great patience has descended upon me. A slow flowing peace in my heart about what is to happen next. It's a pretty foreign feeling to not have worries or anxieties or the urge to grasp at something so tightly. I am wondering if this is what it feels like to let go...or to trust and have faith. I don't have the answer. I'm just moving through it and not really trying to over analyze or make sense of it all. Because saying you trust and have faith is one thing but actually feeling it is a whole new way of being.

I was chatting with my big sis tonight on the phone and she got really quiet and said with such pride and certainty..."you sound so peaceful, Denise...you really sound peaceful." I stopped for a moment and thought about that. I had just rattled off to her all the work I've been doing with photography and writing and all the steps we've been taking to move forward with this adoption and all the results I got back from my blood tests and what the doctors said, so I would expect her to say I sounded manic. But she didn't. She said I sounded peaceful and it was then that I realized that all this stuff that is happening is stuff that I've dreamed about, had worked so hard to achieve and had put out to the Universe that I wanted. I wanted these things a while ago yet they're coming into my life right now.

So perhaps part of my peace comes from the epiphany that in retrospect, this timing is all perfect and that our dreams will come true but perhaps in different packages than we expect and arriving at different times...or all at once.

Regardless, it feels like the right time. My heart doesn't feel panicked or overwhelmed or consumed with how the heck I'm going to do all of this. It's just embracing each moment, in the moment, one package at a time.

22 Comments:

Blogger pERiWinKle said...

Oh Bohogirl...I so agree. After our 3rd attempt of IVF I went to cry on my mom's shoulder...she was still in bed...I craddled next to her...and cried like a baby...then I went back to my husband...and as I drove out of the driveway, I got this message very loud and clear saying my time, is not God's time....just breath and let it be...He knows best...

I wished I could come over to give you a hug...to sit and listen to everything...and nothing....to just be with you in this moment...

Your sis is right...you don't just sound peaceful...you look peaceful too....my heart is giving yours a big squeeze...and a small giggle...xx

February 11, 2008 at 10:16:00 PM PST  
Blogger Deirdre said...

This post sounds peaceful and calm. Making the decision to adopt seems to be one that fits well for you - a calling and an answer.

February 12, 2008 at 3:51:00 AM PST  
Blogger Abra said...

The baby you receive is going to be in the perfect home with the perfect family. Not perfect in the sense that there will be no mistakes but perfect in the sense that "love will cover a multitude of sins" and every baby needs that kind of all encompassing love.

February 12, 2008 at 4:31:00 AM PST  
Blogger gem said...

mmmhh...these pieces in particular resonate: "peering around the corner to see when my prize will show up"; "I am cradling each gift, putting it down, staring at it, meditating on it"; "saying you trust and have faith is one thing but actually feeling it is a whole new way of being"...
thank you for these offerings, Denise.
in peace,
warmly,
gem

February 12, 2008 at 4:31:00 AM PST  
Blogger kelly said...

your peace and calms, brings me the same.
peace...kelly

February 12, 2008 at 4:55:00 AM PST  
Blogger Lisa said...

I am so happy for you. You even look calm, rested, and at peace in your picture. Handing things over to [your] God...finally trusting and having faith wholeheartedly...it is the most freeing and peaceful feeling. It sounds like you have arrived there.

February 12, 2008 at 5:10:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Megan said...

you are at peace... i see it.

I loved this post. I may have to refer back to it now and then as something to give me hope.

xo

February 12, 2008 at 7:23:00 AM PST  
Blogger ttdavis said...

You look so beautiful.

Thank you for allowing us to share this amazing journey with you and Carsten.

You have blessed my life in so many ways, my dear friend...

xoxo,

t

February 12, 2008 at 7:49:00 AM PST  
Blogger bee said...

boho,

i don't comment every day, but i visit every day. and i'm soso happy that this is the way you are feeling right now, in the present. i know exactly what you mean by waiting for years and then finally getting a deluge of gifts...it is times like that when the universe seems to show you that it does have a plan...
i'm so happy this is happening for you.
xo
much more peace...

February 12, 2008 at 8:55:00 AM PST  
Blogger Linda Salas said...

You are getting package deals! I´m glad your dreams are coming true, I love this moment for you you seem to be moving, on the move... eyes wide open and keeping in motion.

February 12, 2008 at 9:08:00 AM PST  
Anonymous patricia said...

totally off topic here -- i love your sense of style...

February 12, 2008 at 9:58:00 AM PST  
Blogger Thea Coughlin said...

Hi Baby-

Oh this photo is so delicate, feminine, gorgeous, and captures what you write here so perfectly.

I always admire where you are in your journey-each step-I dance and giggle and all of your insights and peaceful ways of moving through things. Even when it doesn't feel as you feel now. What is interesting to me is how good you seem then and yet now there is a sense of peaceful centered-ness that is even stronger.

One step
one breath
one gift at a time

your love and beauty makes me feel strong.

loving you
t2t
h2h
c2c
f2f
b2b

February 12, 2008 at 9:58:00 AM PST  
Blogger Christianne said...

i love that picture! so earthy and vulnerable. that sheer blouse is so pretty. you seem to have a sparkle in your eye, and you exude the peacefulness and openness you speak of here.

it felt so good to read this post. i could feel your peace coming through the fullness of the words. it's been so amazing to see the chronicle of your journey bringing you to this place, here, today.

February 12, 2008 at 12:13:00 PM PST  
Anonymous andrea scher said...

just beautiful.

your writing and where your heart is.

so happy for you....
a

February 12, 2008 at 12:56:00 PM PST  
Blogger Schmoops said...

this photo of you is so beautiful and peaceful, i just want to kiss your cheeks!

i feel so much of what you are saying here. and like thea, i am dancing with you all the way baby.

i love you.
xoxo

February 12, 2008 at 1:51:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Denise,
I didn't tell you this before but my struggle with infertility ended the moment I let go. I had completely given up on ever getting pregnant...and then did. I don't know that I ever felt the complete sense of peace you seem to...but I certainly had "let go". I had tried to give up many times before when it all seemed so overwhelming but the last time was different. I wasn't letting go because I was overwhelmed or angry. It was because I knew I would be "okay" either way. I don't know if that will happen for you (although I do hope that's what life has in store for you), but I think it's a beautiful place for you to be either way. Some people spend their lives searching for the peace that you have found. By the way, it looks amazing on you! Take care, Diana

February 12, 2008 at 2:23:00 PM PST  
Blogger AnnaC said...

You are so full of blessings!

Now and when things are not feeling so peaceful.

Thank you for sharing your bounty.

February 12, 2008 at 3:57:00 PM PST  
Blogger Debbie said...

this post makes me smile and I feel all the cells in my body rejoice with a collective "yay!"

enjoy your splendor.

February 12, 2008 at 8:10:00 PM PST  
Blogger darlene said...

the peace that resides in you, spills out and splashes on the people around you.

What a gift you are!

I am luvin you always,
b/sis,
dar xOx

February 13, 2008 at 1:31:00 AM PST  
Blogger Lianne said...

I am so proud of you, sweet Denise. I know that all good things are coming to you, and that you are being blessed.

I love it when the Angels let us know all is well.

February 13, 2008 at 10:23:00 AM PST  
Anonymous bella said...

What a beautiful photo of you. What I've learned with my own issues is that letting go can be hard, (very hard), but.. it makes room for new opportunities to come into my life.

February 13, 2008 at 11:08:00 AM PST  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

this is such a beautiful...and peaceful picture of you...you're so gorgeous...

February 15, 2008 at 11:29:00 AM PST  

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