peace comes in many packages*

photo by jen gray, processing by me (i felt so safe with her during this shoot)

I know I've been sort of quiet lately. I've come here a few times about to write some thoughts but they just wouldn't come out. So I let it be. I've never been one to force things. There are so many things flowing around in my head. So many deadlines for work. We're in the midst of adoption paperwork while at the same time getting results from our sweet doctors that gave us the most clear answers we've had as to what has prevented us from getting pregnant. So my heart and mind have been full to say the least.

It's all happening at once. All good things. All crazy good things. It's just so ironic. I have felt for years like I've been waiting, peering around the corner to see when my prize will show up and after years of waiting, I get like a thousand packages at my doorstep. You'd think I'd want to tear them all open but instead I am cradling each gift, putting it down, starring at it, meditating on it and moving to the next. I've only taken off the bows. I have yet to open them. That is what it feels like. I feel this great patience has descended upon me. A slow flowing peace in my heart about what is to happen next. It's a pretty foreign feeling to not have worries or anxieties or the urge to grasp at something so tightly. I am wondering if this is what it feels like to let go...or to trust and have faith. I don't have the answer. I'm just moving through it and not really trying to over analyze or make sense of it all. Because saying you trust and have faith is one thing but actually feeling it is a whole new way of being.

I was chatting with my big sis tonight on the phone and she got really quiet and said with such pride and certainty..."you sound so peaceful, Denise...you really sound peaceful." I stopped for a moment and thought about that. I had just rattled off to her all the work I've been doing with photography and writing and all the steps we've been taking to move forward with this adoption and all the results I got back from my blood tests and what the doctors said, so I would expect her to say I sounded manic. But she didn't. She said I sounded peaceful and it was then that I realized that all this stuff that is happening is stuff that I've dreamed about, had worked so hard to achieve and had put out to the Universe that I wanted. I wanted these things a while ago yet they're coming into my life right now.

So perhaps part of my peace comes from the epiphany that in retrospect, this timing is all perfect and that our dreams will come true but perhaps in different packages than we expect and arriving at different times...or all at once.

Regardless, it feels like the right time. My heart doesn't feel panicked or overwhelmed or consumed with how the heck I'm going to do all of this. It's just embracing each moment, in the moment, one package at a time.