my big sis*

darlene & me, taken by boho boy

I remember a time when I was 16 years old and my heart was truly broken for the first time in my life. I curled up on my sisters bed and asked her if I had made the right decision. She held me close while I cried in her bosom...all boogery and wet tears drenching her shirt. I remember her wisdom spilling gently but firmly...a wisdom that always flowed so naturally from her heart. She was 26 at the time but such an old soul. I remember how very safe I felt being completely messy that night...something I didn't show everyone in my life as I was always the happy girl wanting to make everyone around me happy. I remember her saying that if I was consumed with confusion about a decision than more than likely it wasn't the right one but if I feel an inner relief, a breath that filled me up and set my heart free, then it was indeed the right decision, even if I still felt pain. She shared a lot more wisdom that night that I have carried with me tucked in my back pocket.

This was twenty years ago. Since then we've had many sister spillings and have helped one another through many journeys but for some reason, this particular one always stuck out in my mind.

I thought of her when I felt myself melting down today. I remembered that piece of wisdom about confusion versus peace when making a decision. I craved more of that older sister wisdom that came spilling when curled up on her bed. Today I let down those guards I can sometimes put up as the little sister trying to prove herself, not needing anyone or anything. I needed her today and I allowed myself to.

Boho Boy and I made a decision today that broke our hearts into a thousand pieces in regards to an adoption. So much of it was completely out of our hands but it didn't hurt any less and felt so very messy. I picked up the phone and as soon as I heard her voice, I let it all out. Funny how with just a crack of my voice, she knew it was me. I don't remember the last time I released this much pain through words, tears, moaning and spilling. What amazes me is the complete safety and trust I felt from her on the other end of the line as she sat in silence, listening. I could feel her feeling me. I heard her crying with me but at the same time, I felt her stand tall and swoop me up and feel protective and yet still acknowledge that I am a grown woman now and her equal. I don't know how she managed to be so absolutely perfect for me in the hours spent on the phone but she was and I feel stronger having spent the day wrapped up in her arms.

After I showed the most raw parts of myself...again with boogery and wet tears, she went onto tell me all the reasons she is "so fricken proud of me". Thats like the best medicine when you feel so completely depleted and vulnerable. I typically shy away from such things but I put aside the humble pie and let her tell me.

So tonight I am heading to sleep with such a swelling of admiration and gratefulness for my sister Darlene and how she somehow just knows how to love me at the times when I need it most.

I'm so very blessed to have two beautiful, passionate, delicious older sisters. I will never take this for granted.