Tuesday, April 8

my big sis*

darlene & me, taken by boho boy

I remember a time when I was 16 years old and my heart was truly broken for the first time in my life. I curled up on my sisters bed and asked her if I had made the right decision. She held me close while I cried in her bosom...all boogery and wet tears drenching her shirt. I remember her wisdom spilling gently but firmly...a wisdom that always flowed so naturally from her heart. She was 26 at the time but such an old soul. I remember how very safe I felt being completely messy that night...something I didn't show everyone in my life as I was always the happy girl wanting to make everyone around me happy. I remember her saying that if I was consumed with confusion about a decision than more than likely it wasn't the right one but if I feel an inner relief, a breath that filled me up and set my heart free, then it was indeed the right decision, even if I still felt pain. She shared a lot more wisdom that night that I have carried with me tucked in my back pocket.

This was twenty years ago. Since then we've had many sister spillings and have helped one another through many journeys but for some reason, this particular one always stuck out in my mind.

I thought of her when I felt myself melting down today. I remembered that piece of wisdom about confusion versus peace when making a decision. I craved more of that older sister wisdom that came spilling when curled up on her bed. Today I let down those guards I can sometimes put up as the little sister trying to prove herself, not needing anyone or anything. I needed her today and I allowed myself to.

Boho Boy and I made a decision today that broke our hearts into a thousand pieces in regards to an adoption. So much of it was completely out of our hands but it didn't hurt any less and felt so very messy. I picked up the phone and as soon as I heard her voice, I let it all out. Funny how with just a crack of my voice, she knew it was me. I don't remember the last time I released this much pain through words, tears, moaning and spilling. What amazes me is the complete safety and trust I felt from her on the other end of the line as she sat in silence, listening. I could feel her feeling me. I heard her crying with me but at the same time, I felt her stand tall and swoop me up and feel protective and yet still acknowledge that I am a grown woman now and her equal. I don't know how she managed to be so absolutely perfect for me in the hours spent on the phone but she was and I feel stronger having spent the day wrapped up in her arms.

After I showed the most raw parts of myself...again with boogery and wet tears, she went onto tell me all the reasons she is "so fricken proud of me". Thats like the best medicine when you feel so completely depleted and vulnerable. I typically shy away from such things but I put aside the humble pie and let her tell me.

So tonight I am heading to sleep with such a swelling of admiration and gratefulness for my sister Darlene and how she somehow just knows how to love me at the times when I need it most.

I'm so very blessed to have two beautiful, passionate, delicious older sisters. I will never take this for granted.


Blogger Ames and Mick said...

I am sisterless. But I have been fortunate to find soul sisters and the incredible understanding and peace they bring into my life is amazing. I can say things to them that I struggle to say to myself.
A beautiful post which I'm sure your big sis will love.

April 8, 2008 at 11:19:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Silvia said...

Everything that ames said above, resonates with me. So there's really nothing more for me to say than sweet dreams and letting you know that i'm sending you much love & sparkles*

xox Silvia

April 9, 2008 at 12:16:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Toni M Photography said...

I am loving you, for just being you. All of you, my love,

Big Hugs,
Love Toni

April 9, 2008 at 3:14:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

such a beautiful, inspiring post.

April 9, 2008 at 3:55:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is a lot of love and tenderness expressed in this post - all around - between you and your sister, you and Boho Boy - and in that decision you made.
Wow. And then somehow your words spread out and include those who read them. I'll be seeing my sister this morning and I just can't wait to hug her and tell her how much I love her.

April 9, 2008 at 4:21:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

this oozes sister yumminess-what a speacial beautiful gift you and your sister share.

I am so comforted to know you have eachother.

Love you both

April 9, 2008 at 4:59:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Christine said...

this post brought tears to my eyes...sisters are amazing (i have 4 of them!)and yours sound particulary special...to feel so safe and loved by those who surround you is magic.

April 9, 2008 at 5:11:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lisa said...

That is what sisters are all about...

April 9, 2008 at 5:18:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love my sister so much. She gives me words of advice and a solid feeling of family.
When I was younger, I hated that she watched over me so closely. I didn't want her love or protection, and I ran away from it. Now she's my best friend, and I couldn't imagine my life without her.

I'm so sorry for whatever it is that you're going through. I don't even really know you, but the desire to reach through the lines and hug you tight is so strong today. We are all aways proud of you, your internet sisters. I love you, and I know that something good is coming your way.

April 9, 2008 at 7:57:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Aubrey said...

it is so special that you have sisters that wrap their arms around you to love and comfort you.

i am sending you some love and warmth from my heart to yours.

April 9, 2008 at 8:56:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Her words are so wise and so comforting, especially in those spaces where the decisions are so difficult. I am sure that the decision the two of you make was beyond thoughtful and made for all of the right reasons. Sending you both warmth and strength. xoxo

April 9, 2008 at 9:11:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This made me so teary.... I am so proud of you too
and so glad you reached out to your wise sister.

I was thinking of you yesterday, almost picked up the phone to call you and tell you that it was safe to spill and let it all out, but I wasn't sure you wanted that. I'm so glad you called your sis.

I love you very much
and I am very proud of you too.

April 9, 2008 at 9:22:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lianne said...

Whatever you chose, I am proud of you.
However messy you are, I still love you.
No matter what, no matter what, you are amazing.

April 9, 2008 at 9:59:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Kathleen said...

know that you are amazing and strong.
you are so grounded and real. i admire that so much.

if i could, i would give you what my friend, kellyanne, calls a big-boobie-smooshing-hug (bbsh).

love to you and your boy.

April 9, 2008 at 10:23:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Darlene said...

I wanted to climb right through that phone to hold your trembling body.

I am humbled by this, my love.
I know many of your readers think you are amazing, if they only knew how true that is and how special you really are.

Whatever roles you are meant to live out, there will be hand picked key people...because they too will be a part of all the magical essence that is you.

I love you ocean deep
I love you sky wide
I love you Earth big
and Universe infinity

xox b/sis~d
and thank you for being you

April 9, 2008 at 11:06:00 AM PDT  
Blogger all over the map said...

I hope you slept well.
It is a blessing to have such a compassionate sister and someone you can go to and feel safe.
She is right about that inner relief and having a free heart. Tough to endure but necessary to get us where we need to be.
Whatever rough waters you are in right now, knowing you have so many who love you both so dearly will surely see you you through. They are your lifeboats.
Remember God has plan for you; to give you a future and a hope.

April 9, 2008 at 5:45:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Jennifer said...

"I was consumed with confusion about a decision than more than likely it wasn't the right one but if I feel an inner relief, a breath that filled me up and set my heart free, then it was indeed the right decision, even if I still felt pain. "

This is exactly the type of wisdom that I need to hear today. Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us. How wonderful that you have an older sister to reach out to like that. One who completly understands you and just know exactly what you need.

I have three brothers and always wanted a sister. You make me wish for a sister more now.

What a beautiful connection you share. I am proud of you for letting go and sharing your pain. It is an extremely difficult thing to do.

April 9, 2008 at 8:59:00 PM PDT  
Blogger sweet expressions said...

your big sis is one of my nieces best friends and I am beginning to know her through the blogs

I can say she is a warm, caring, amazing person and such a comfort to
my niece at a time she needs it the most.

I am thankful that i am beginning to know her.

April 9, 2008 at 10:10:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mindy said...

i know from afar the sweetness of this soul you are so lucky to have in your circle. she amazes me in her grace and beauty...you two are quite a pair! xo

April 19, 2008 at 11:22:00 PM PDT  

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