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Wednesday, April 23

out of the darkness*


lovely Thea, canon digital rebel xti


Some changes are happening in my body that are feeling really good. So good that I want to share it here to perhaps help anyone else that may also have overlooked what I or my doctors did.

During the same week that I received a phone call about a possible match for an adoption, my husband and I happen to have an appointment with a new set of doctors about our fertility journey. We had heard good things about them. It also helped that they were only 15 minutes away as opposed to over an hour like the others were and a balance between both Eastern and Western philosophies in regards to healing.

Since neither philosophy had worked for us fully, we thought a balance would be another thing to try. I was pleasantly surprised and at times moved to tears at how supportive they were. They are a husband and wife team, not too much older than us and TOTALLY on top of their game as far as all the latest regarding fertility. What I loved is that they were very optimistic and never used the term "infertile". I've never felt comfortable with that term. Its so finite and negative and untrue. People can be fertile in many ways that have nothing to do with getting pregnant. Anyways, that is an entirely different post. ; )

The docs were both surprised that there were some very basic blood tests that were never done, especially on me. So, within a few days, we both got full blood work done. When the results were in, I was totally nervous; worried about my hormone levels and my egg quality and so on and so on. I even emailed my doctor beforehand, asking her to be tender and told her this is really hard for me to hear and that I was afraid of allowing this information to take my power away. I'm very fortunate to have her...she totally gets me. When we walked in, she had this HUGE smile on her face and said..."you guys have been misdiagnosed. you are not infertile. i have great news!"

My heart raced and tears were fighting to come through but I took a breath, held my husband's hand and asked her to lay it on me. She said I was alarmingly deficient of Vitamin D, that my progesterone is low after ovulation and that I have hypothyroidism. Three huge things related to screwing up a persons hormones and reproductive happenings. Three things that my other docs never showed a concern for and dismissed, despite my questioning them.

All of the symptoms I've been feeling over the last four years of my life suddenly made sense. I had gained about 20 pounds and stopped exercising the way I used to. Exercise used to be one of my biggest priorities...whether it was jogging or Yoga or Pilate's, I couldn't go two days without it...especially out in nature. For the last few years I would go a whole month without it because my energy level was so very low and my motivation almost void. I stayed in the house far too much. I of course related all of this to depression over our fertility journey and there absolutely was a lot of depression but most of my lethargy was my my poor whacked out thyroid and I never knew.

So, my doc put me on a treatment plan. Lots of supplements, a hormone tincture and natural thyroid medication. Its taken a month or so to get me on the right levels and we're still playing with it to see what is perfect for my body chemistry but the change is unbelievable.

First let me back up and say that during all of this, I struggled to balance both adoption and refocusing on trying to conceive with this new breakthrough. We were willing to do both though and we tried, although I found myself focusing more on adoption and not completely following my treatment plan. At one point, we decided to put off trying to conceive for a year when the adoption started looking like it was truly going to happen. Our doctors were very supportive and excited for us to adopt, so they left us alone until we were ready to fully focus on treatment. Well, the adoption most recently fell through, which was really painful, devastating and heart wrenching. We chose to get away to B.C. to regroup and ask ourselves which path feels right for us right now and do they both feel right or does just one? With much rest and a plethora of heart to hearts, we both realized that we are not ready to give up on trying to conceive and with this new treatment plan, it will take a lot of focus and energy to stay balanced and healthy. Other people might be able to balance both like a piece of cake, but I found it really difficult and confusing. The way I work is that when I feel right about something, I throw myself into it 100%. That is just me. With anything in life, I have never felt there was any wrong or right way to be or feel about a particular journey. We're all so beautifully unique. We learned so much about adoption and we have a deep feeling in our gut that it will indeed be a part of our lives someday but there have been many clear signs that right now is not the time.

So we are back from our trip and yesterday I had an appointment with our doctor to let her know we are in and we are in 100%. She clapped her hands in glee (okay, don't you love her already?). So, she said..."please just give us a year. adoption will always be there for you, i have no doubt about that. i believe you are fertile." I practically gave her a high five but I did say..."Yes! I know...right?!?!?". So, yesterday we increased my thyroid meds a bit because my tests came back that I am still not fully thyroid-licious.

This morning, I woke up feeling like a new person with the energy and zest I always had before all this went down. I was bouncing around the house and singing. No kidding...even before my Yerba Mate morning tea. I moved all of our furniture downstairs to the side to create an exercise space. I put my earphones on and blasted the rockin' playlist you all suggested. This fully happy, energetic, sexy woman manifested her way through me. I was dancing, jumping, laughing, punching, twirling and sweating...and 45 minutes went by without me realizing it. I then went for a mini jog outside for fresh air. I have not jogged in four years.

I was reminded of a day when I first started dating my husband. We went on a hike in Santa Barbara. I was trying to race him down the trail. I remember feeling my muscles tighten and my feet pounded the dirt. My energy was boundless. I could run forever by his side. I remember him saying..."you're so fit, you could be on Survivor." So cute.

I haven't felt that way in four years. Today...I feel closer to that fit girly but more importantly, I have actually felt happy all day and my heart feels full and my head feels more clear. I phoned my husband and he said he could even hear it in my voice. I think he's missed her. So have I. So have my friends and my family. Bless their hearts for loving me just the same through all of this. I am not making myself wrong for anything that has happened. I honor my depression and respect that I didn't push myself too hard through it all.

So, as much as the last two months were painful and really sucked at times, I am grateful for it all in retrospect because blessings always come through when I am open to them, regardless of the crappy crap.

And in all honestly, I realize that this is how I feel today and tomorrow may feel different and I in no way feel like I have it all together. I am learning which things feel good and what I need to create in my life to move from one day to the next into a space that is more healing and healthy.

I am aware that there is always the possibility that this treatment may not help us to get pregnant but what I do know is that it will help us to feel happier and healthier.

I also realize that the journey is the journey and rarely the destination but I am enjoying the feeling of boogie-ing on down the road rather than sitting on my ass as much as I have been. This morning I felt like a warrior princess that could conquer most anything. I am craving more of that feeling....out of the darkness and into a brighter space.

49 Comments:

Blogger Thea Coughlin said...

Dancing with you my beautiful warrior princess!

I want to high five your Dr. and you.

I love how you follow your heart, how magical and wonderful you are.

Yummiliscious throidiliscous you.

hee hee
XOXOXO
love you like crazy

April 23, 2008 at 4:30:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Abra said...

I am SO incredibly happy for you. It's great that you have found doctors that are great and willing to work with you. That is such a difficult thing to do. You will be in my thoughts and I strongly hope that you are finally able to conceive now that your body will be back in balance.

Much bloggie love and good wishes to you

April 23, 2008 at 4:31:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, Yes!! This makes so much sense now. I, too, have hypothyroidism and a lot of the symptoms you described were the same ones I had when I was diagnosed back in my early 20's. I am so angry for you that you weren't diagnosed until NOW for this very common problem. But since you have such a loyal readership you can help spread the word - men included! It is such a shame that testing for hypothyroidism isn't a regular part of our health check-ups. My doctor told me that it is so much more common than you would realize. Anyway, good for you! Many blessings to you and Boho Boy!

Nashay

April 23, 2008 at 4:33:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous amy said...

yay! what a heartwarming post to read. i'm so pleased to hear that sparkle in your words. i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism a few years ago and the difference that treatment has made to my wellbeing has been amazing. thank you for the link to the information about a natural treatment. i will discuss that with my endocrinologist. take care.

April 23, 2008 at 4:34:00 PM PDT  
Blogger kristy said...

sooo happy for you! i have very similar symptoms with my PCOS - they originally thought I had a thyroid problem because of the horrible energy lows....

i'm so excited for you. it feels so good to be "well" and balanced again..

<3k.

April 23, 2008 at 4:44:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Shell said...

I know we don't know each other, but I am so incrediable happy for you. I have been praying for you. You are a beautiful writer and I know that child that is picked for you will love to read your post about the journey you have taken to become parents. Good luck to you and your husband. What a tough road you have had and still have. My prayers will continue and I hope to see 2 lines on a pregnancy test soon!

April 23, 2008 at 4:58:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous jen downer said...

WOOOOOOOOOOOT!
hoorah for renewed hope, energy, dancing, happiness, and all things good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So glad you are feeling like yourself! And I am sooo looking forward to reading more and more and more about your journey.
xoxoxoxlxlxl,
jen

April 23, 2008 at 5:02:00 PM PDT  
Blogger karla said...

yes! i was recently diagnosed with hypothyroidism and had all of those same symptoms. it's been an amazing few months on the medicine and feel like i'm back to myself! my primary care physician missed it but a new doc (osteopath) found it.

happy feeling good journey!

April 23, 2008 at 5:10:00 PM PDT  
Blogger AnnaC said...

I am so glad that the universe finally brought you to these new doctors!!!

Getting the right practitioners -- especially the ones who will listen to you and your body -- is just so essential.

The thyroid is a crazy and amazing thing... my sister, who is a nurse, was reminding me this weekend how powerful it is, especially when it is out of whack, it touches so many parts of our body.

The conversation came up because our mother ended up in the hospital on Sunday. She was tired and listless, her blood pressure was way too high, she was having severe headaches and felt some strange tingling in her brain that really scared us. I was holding my breath from 500 miles away with the million things that could be going wrong with her... the er doctors had just decided to admit her when the blood tests came back showing her thyroid medication dose was too high... We heaved a great sigh of relief and she went home with a new dosage and strict orders for her regular dr to stay on top of her blood work -- the great news is that this may be the stimulus she needs to get a dr that will actually LISTEN to her and worry about her health despite her 74 years.

So glad to hear that you are feeling better already! I am told it takes time to regain balance... I am hoping you are getting very close! :)

April 23, 2008 at 5:14:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous megan said...

I know we don't know each other, but I can't tell you how thrilled I am to hear how happy you are, and that your body is getting the help it needs to get you feeling like yourself again. I will continue to pray for you and your man as you continue on your journey!

April 23, 2008 at 5:35:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Caroline said...

*delurk*

<3

*relurk*

April 23, 2008 at 5:47:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Jummy said...

This is such a happy entry and I'm so delighted to read it. It put a genuine smile on my face.

What I really like is how realistic you are about the whole thing. I pray that you and your man get your hearts' desire. ♥

April 23, 2008 at 5:52:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Dandelion seeds said...

I don't comment often but read regularly and I am so happy for you and your husband!

my mom has hashimoto's disease, a common thyroid condition and actually ended up having hers removed. It took a little bit for her to get her meds straightened out too.

I bet it feels good to get ANSWERS and have a DIRECTION.

much love and joy and light for you~

April 23, 2008 at 6:26:00 PM PDT  
Blogger jen said...

such wonderful news! i can feel your happy and healthy energy just by reading your words...

April 23, 2008 at 6:32:00 PM PDT  
Blogger mames said...

go, go, go! so happy to hear all this great news. you make me want to get moving just by describing your day.

April 23, 2008 at 6:33:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Louise said...

!!!!!WOW!!!!!
That is SO super exciting I am so incredibly happy for you, I will continue to think of you and send up a prayer for that baby you have been dreaming of!! Bless you girl!
On a side note it is so funny you mentioned Yerba Mate my folks grew up in South America and have been drinking it since they were kids I thought they were strange when they drank it while I was growing up and now it is all the rage and I drink it too..yum!
Hugs to you girl!
Keep on dancing!!

April 23, 2008 at 6:53:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Aimee said...

I'm so very happy for you!
{{{{happy body vibes to you}}}}}

April 23, 2008 at 7:09:00 PM PDT  
Blogger samin said...

i'm also hypothyroid, and i think i'm vitamin d deficient, too. i'm really interested in switching from synthetic to natural hormones. could you email me about your tinctures, etc, please? i'd love to have that info when i go in to talk to my doctor.

thanks, and congratulations on finding the route back to yourself!

saminnosrat at yahoo dot com

April 23, 2008 at 9:20:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Schmoops said...

oh honey, i so feel your lightness and energy in these lovely, healthy, happy words

boogie-ing with you all the way my sweet warrior princess

high fives all around...

xoxo

April 23, 2008 at 10:00:00 PM PDT  
Blogger jenica said...

squeee!

i'm so excited for you! so happy to hear that the root problems are being found and fixed and that you have ENERGY again.

yay.

April 23, 2008 at 10:14:00 PM PDT  
Blogger E. Michelle said...

yay!

April 23, 2008 at 10:20:00 PM PDT  
Blogger laundrygirl said...

I'm so excited for you. This is so amazing!

April 23, 2008 at 11:45:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We tried to get pregnant for a very long time without any reason for not being able to. After a few miscarriages, we went to a new obgy and the first test she did was for thyroid. Turns out I was hypothyroid as well and 3 months later we became pregnant. I am on synthetic replacements but all is well. My husband cannot keep up with my energy now and all of the jobs I would love to get done now that I finally feel like myself again.
After all that we went through, I couldn't believe that these kinds of tests aren't automatically given? Whenever I hear of any symptoms now like you have described I tell people to ask for a blood test to check out their thyroid (T4 and TSH, they often don't automatically do both)
My thoughts and wishes are with you two and I hope that this is a huge part of the answer for you too!

April 24, 2008 at 12:33:00 AM PDT  
Blogger barefootwoman said...

I'm delurking just to say how happy I am for you both. This is a beautiful post with beautiful news. However you become a mama, you are going to be awesome.

April 24, 2008 at 1:52:00 AM PDT  
Blogger kelly said...

oh joy....this made my day.
peace.
kelly

April 24, 2008 at 4:19:00 AM PDT  
Blogger pERiWinKle said...

Yayyy for good doctors!
for doctors who just 'get you'.
for the words...'you are fertile'...(we knew that all along?! :-)
double yayy (yayyy!:-) for renewed energy...for feeling like yourself! for dancing and laughing...and running down that mountain next to your hubbie...

and a tripple yay-yay-yay for hearing the joy in your heart! xx

April 24, 2008 at 4:43:00 AM PDT  
Blogger kristen said...

I'm still sitting here shocked that no one tested your thyroid, how is that possible?

I'm thrilled for you and it sounds like you have found your team. I like that don't have the added stress of traveling to your appointments.

peace and love.

April 24, 2008 at 5:11:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Eileen W. said...

Whoa!! Hypothyroidism is not a small thing to miss- daggone other docs!! I am so sorry you had to go through all of this to get where you are- but I am thrilled you are on the path to wellness now!! Getting fit is so important- it's my goal as well!
Your doctors sound like a perfect match and that is a blessing! :) If ever you need to talk about your wellness journey, I'm an email away. (I was diagnosed with diabetes last year and have had a journey controlling it.) ((hugs))

April 24, 2008 at 6:33:00 AM PDT  
Blogger XT said...

Yes yes and yes! I am so happy for you.... putting my sneakers on right now for a boogie myself thanks to your inspiration ~*

April 24, 2008 at 6:58:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Ladyv said...

oh my! what good news! your energy radiates so strongly from your words! i'm so excited for this change in your body health!

thanks for sharing your journey denise!

April 24, 2008 at 8:28:00 AM PDT  
Blogger magicaldamselfly said...

You are a warrior princess and a very amazing young boho princess as well.
Thank you for including info on this med, is it a prescription drug? I have always said that if ones body is not in balance it can not work properly so you my dear of a rockin doc.

God bless you both,
Sheila

April 24, 2008 at 8:53:00 AM PDT  
Blogger QuackMeHard said...

I am SO happy for you :-) I'm glad that you know that... this may not work out the way you want... but I'm SO excited that you're so optimistic about it. And an ENTIRE day of complete happiness?! That's HUGE! Congratulations! :o)

April 24, 2008 at 9:05:00 AM PDT  
Blogger mccabe said...

WHOA.
this is big!
:)

you know,
i have never cared for the term
"infertile."
it puts a label on someone,
and has nothing to do with fate, hope, miracles or magic.

i am very happy to read this, deni.
every word.

with love and care,
mccabe xx

April 24, 2008 at 10:25:00 AM PDT  
Blogger nicole said...

total high five! i'm so glad for you. whatever happens down the road ... how amazing to have that energy and verve back. you're awesome! lots of luck and best wishes.

April 24, 2008 at 10:33:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

woo-hoo! fabulous news!

April 24, 2008 at 1:40:00 PM PDT  
Blogger pen said...

what a fabulously hopeful, joyful and wonderful post!

yay for you! yay for good doctors! and yay for dancing!

x

April 24, 2008 at 1:50:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous miss francie pants said...

That's it... after all the hyperthyroid talk here. I'm callin my ob and askin her to recheck that sucker. If I'm willing to do the ultra sound this cycle, she's gotta be willing to look once more. All these symptoms just ring to true. And I'm desperate to wake up from this thick 'why can't i make a baby' haze. I'm so happy for you darling!!

April 24, 2008 at 6:24:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Megan said...

sweet boho!
it made me so happy to hear these words. Your words are so bright, so lifted, that I was effected like you were sitting in front of me telling that story.

I'm sosososo happy for you both.

April 24, 2008 at 10:00:00 PM PDT  
Blogger liz elayne lamoreux said...

wow! this is truly fantastic news. i am so glad you have found such a wonderful team of doctors...

blessings to you both.

April 24, 2008 at 11:04:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Helen said...

Denise what I adore about you has been your ability to be in the flow, to give yourself the *permission* to heal exactly the way that it looks, sometimes messy, sometimes absolutely lost in the darkness. I went through two years of spriraling down deep into depression. After four years of therapy I am stronger than ever, the happiest I have ever been. I feel so totally rooted in "who I am" and all the things I felt were major weakness - like not trusting my voice, not having a vocation that I loved, not feeling self-confident - have been healed at a deep level as I have returned to the source of where I "fractured" / my past. I also love that you honor and listen to your heart, what a rare thing in life. Congratulations on bringing to you what you were ready and asking for with these new doctors. I trust your process and honor you today!

April 25, 2008 at 5:46:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Rogue said...

Hooray!!!
I'm so glad for you! You sound so great and happy and vital again!!!
If I were there with you, I'd give you a BIG HUG.
I care about you and I only know you from your blog... the power of words.
When mihigna and I were trying to get pregnant and then lost two babies, back to back, I slipped into this deep depression and morphed into this person I didn't even realize I had become.
Then when we were finally safely pregnant, I woke up one day and realized I was happy, happier than I had been in a long time. It was only then that I was able to truly see how badly I had been feeling and how far away I had gone. I turned to mihigna and said..."thank you. Thank you for loving me through these last two hellish years and not giving up on me, or getting frustrated or annoyed. Thank you for continuing to be there when I pushed you away. I don't know how you did it, I didn't even realize how bad it had gotten. Looking back now, I see how horrible I was, how far away I went. Thank you for understanding and being there."

I'm glad you are getting better, and the horizon is looking brighter.
Take care of you and know you are loved by many.

April 25, 2008 at 6:59:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lil said...

well alright then Denise...finally! it's amazing how your story makes me all teary...i'm with you on the highs and lows on your "fertility challenge" (isn't that a bit more gentler a term??). So a year ain't that long, considering, and look at the difference already! yay!! i'll be along reading and cheering you on (may not always comment though), just like everyone else.

peace,
Lil

April 25, 2008 at 9:19:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

reading this made me so happy...so i can't even imagine what it must feel like for you!!!
sending you and your boy love and hugs.xo
this is wonderful, wonderful news!!!

April 25, 2008 at 11:35:00 AM PDT  
Blogger cheeky said...

Bless you two. I am so happy you have found a team, husband & wife to boot, to help you along this journey. It's hard to believe other docs missed something so common and simple. I guess they get too distracted with looking for something deeper when it was right there in front of them. Nonetheless, it's all about timing and God's plan for you. He does have a plan for you and the child you both want and love so madly.
I can feel it has put a new "spring" in your step. The sky is the limit!
This is fantastic news and hope has filled your wells.
xo

April 25, 2008 at 7:32:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Honey said...

Wow! I can feel the live wire energy from here. Thinking about all that you have created while feeling weary I can only imagine what you can do fully loaded ;) No limits.

Bless you!

April 27, 2008 at 9:40:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lucky Candice said...

Wow - that's so great! I have the same problems - thyroid and progesterone and testosterone problems. I'm on the same meds. I feel great! I was diagnosed a long time ago and I've been able to have 3 beautiful children. I'm sending you wonderful wishes for all of your dreams!!!

LC

April 27, 2008 at 4:07:00 PM PDT  
Blogger kirsten said...

this is such fantastic news!! we have never met, but having followed just a bit of this journey here, i was jumping up & down & clapping for you.

there was such resonance with me when i read about your depression & lack of energy and yeah ... i learned a year ago about my own hypothyroidism & just a couple weeks ago that i was sorely vitamin d deficient & had a hormone imbalance [i love my naturopath]. wow!

so i cheer you on in your journey, celebrating this renewal of life & energy & goodness & glee. blessings to you & your boho boy. i'll boogie tonight in your honor. ;o)

April 27, 2008 at 8:24:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous melanie said...

Boho Girl,

I, too, haven't met you in person but happened upon your blog many months ago. I make frequent visits here and am so inspired by what you share. The complete vulnerability and strength you show through some of the experiences you have had, give my heart a courage bump. You are such a real example of spirit and light and bravery.
Very good news you got from the doctor, so happy for you and Boho Boy!!

thank you for sharing pieces of your life with us.

sending you hugs and a smile,
Melanie

April 29, 2008 at 1:03:00 PM PDT  
Blogger daisies said...

this is all so wonderful, i am very happy for you and yes yes you will be pregnant :) the positive energy just bounces off your posts and your mama is super cute adorable just like you will be :)

May 1, 2008 at 2:19:00 PM PDT  

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