out of the darkness*

lovely Thea, canon digital rebel xti

Some changes are happening in my body that are feeling really good. So good that I want to share it here to perhaps help anyone else that may also have overlooked what I or my doctors did.

During the same week that I received a phone call about a possible match for an adoption, my husband and I happen to have an appointment with a new set of doctors about our fertility journey. We had heard good things about them. It also helped that they were only 15 minutes away as opposed to over an hour like the others were and a balance between both Eastern and Western philosophies in regards to healing.

Since neither philosophy had worked for us fully, we thought a balance would be another thing to try. I was pleasantly surprised and at times moved to tears at how supportive they were. They are a husband and wife team, not too much older than us and TOTALLY on top of their game as far as all the latest regarding fertility. What I loved is that they were very optimistic and never used the term "infertile". I've never felt comfortable with that term. Its so finite and negative and untrue. People can be fertile in many ways that have nothing to do with getting pregnant. Anyways, that is an entirely different post. ; )

The docs were both surprised that there were some very basic blood tests that were never done, especially on me. So, within a few days, we both got full blood work done. When the results were in, I was totally nervous; worried about my hormone levels and my egg quality and so on and so on. I even emailed my doctor beforehand, asking her to be tender and told her this is really hard for me to hear and that I was afraid of allowing this information to take my power away. I'm very fortunate to have her...she totally gets me. When we walked in, she had this HUGE smile on her face and said..."you guys have been misdiagnosed. you are not infertile. i have great news!"

My heart raced and tears were fighting to come through but I took a breath, held my husband's hand and asked her to lay it on me. She said I was alarmingly deficient of Vitamin D, that my progesterone is low after ovulation and that I have hypothyroidism. Three huge things related to screwing up a persons hormones and reproductive happenings. Three things that my other docs never showed a concern for and dismissed, despite my questioning them.

All of the symptoms I've been feeling over the last four years of my life suddenly made sense. I had gained about 20 pounds and stopped exercising the way I used to. Exercise used to be one of my biggest priorities...whether it was jogging or Yoga or Pilate's, I couldn't go two days without it...especially out in nature. For the last few years I would go a whole month without it because my energy level was so very low and my motivation almost void. I stayed in the house far too much. I of course related all of this to depression over our fertility journey and there absolutely was a lot of depression but most of my lethargy was my my poor whacked out thyroid and I never knew.

So, my doc put me on a treatment plan. Lots of supplements, a hormone tincture and natural thyroid medication. Its taken a month or so to get me on the right levels and we're still playing with it to see what is perfect for my body chemistry but the change is unbelievable.

First let me back up and say that during all of this, I struggled to balance both adoption and refocusing on trying to conceive with this new breakthrough. We were willing to do both though and we tried, although I found myself focusing more on adoption and not completely following my treatment plan. At one point, we decided to put off trying to conceive for a year when the adoption started looking like it was truly going to happen. Our doctors were very supportive and excited for us to adopt, so they left us alone until we were ready to fully focus on treatment. Well, the adoption most recently fell through, which was really painful, devastating and heart wrenching. We chose to get away to B.C. to regroup and ask ourselves which path feels right for us right now and do they both feel right or does just one? With much rest and a plethora of heart to hearts, we both realized that we are not ready to give up on trying to conceive and with this new treatment plan, it will take a lot of focus and energy to stay balanced and healthy. Other people might be able to balance both like a piece of cake, but I found it really difficult and confusing. The way I work is that when I feel right about something, I throw myself into it 100%. That is just me. With anything in life, I have never felt there was any wrong or right way to be or feel about a particular journey. We're all so beautifully unique. We learned so much about adoption and we have a deep feeling in our gut that it will indeed be a part of our lives someday but there have been many clear signs that right now is not the time.

So we are back from our trip and yesterday I had an appointment with our doctor to let her know we are in and we are in 100%. She clapped her hands in glee (okay, don't you love her already?). So, she said..."please just give us a year. adoption will always be there for you, i have no doubt about that. i believe you are fertile." I practically gave her a high five but I did say..."Yes! I know...right?!?!?". So, yesterday we increased my thyroid meds a bit because my tests came back that I am still not fully thyroid-licious.

This morning, I woke up feeling like a new person with the energy and zest I always had before all this went down. I was bouncing around the house and singing. No kidding...even before my Yerba Mate morning tea. I moved all of our furniture downstairs to the side to create an exercise space. I put my earphones on and blasted the rockin' playlist you all suggested. This fully happy, energetic, sexy woman manifested her way through me. I was dancing, jumping, laughing, punching, twirling and sweating...and 45 minutes went by without me realizing it. I then went for a mini jog outside for fresh air. I have not jogged in four years.

I was reminded of a day when I first started dating my husband. We went on a hike in Santa Barbara. I was trying to race him down the trail. I remember feeling my muscles tighten and my feet pounded the dirt. My energy was boundless. I could run forever by his side. I remember him saying..."you're so fit, you could be on Survivor." So cute.

I haven't felt that way in four years. Today...I feel closer to that fit girly but more importantly, I have actually felt happy all day and my heart feels full and my head feels more clear. I phoned my husband and he said he could even hear it in my voice. I think he's missed her. So have I. So have my friends and my family. Bless their hearts for loving me just the same through all of this. I am not making myself wrong for anything that has happened. I honor my depression and respect that I didn't push myself too hard through it all.

So, as much as the last two months were painful and really sucked at times, I am grateful for it all in retrospect because blessings always come through when I am open to them, regardless of the crappy crap.

And in all honestly, I realize that this is how I feel today and tomorrow may feel different and I in no way feel like I have it all together. I am learning which things feel good and what I need to create in my life to move from one day to the next into a space that is more healing and healthy.

I am aware that there is always the possibility that this treatment may not help us to get pregnant but what I do know is that it will help us to feel happier and healthier.

I also realize that the journey is the journey and rarely the destination but I am enjoying the feeling of boogie-ing on down the road rather than sitting on my ass as much as I have been. This morning I felt like a warrior princess that could conquer most anything. I am craving more of that feeling....out of the darkness and into a brighter space.