<

Tuesday, May 27

the grief that grips


just me, photo by boho boy

I've found myself retreating a bit about what to write here in my journal lately. Perhaps because it is that place in my Universe where I have been accustom to being so raw and real and the past few weeks I've been a wee bit afraid of some heavy feelings that are resurfacing. I think I've been hard on myself lately about the fact that the positive/manifesting head space I was in last month has wained a bit. I've been blindsided by the contrast between last month and this one and I think I have a pretty good idea what triggered it. My temperature rose quite high after ovulation and those of you who are familiar with obsessing about this sort of thing, know what this could mean; a possible pregnancy. My hopes went sky high and then midway through the ride, my fear of yet another month of disappointment caught up with my hope. I found myself pulling back and falling silent and mustering up all of my energy to find my footing again until I knew whether or not this was the month.

And it wasn't.

With all that said, I realize that my body is just now getting healthier and balanced and truly...I need to give it time. I've even heard from our docs that this is like starting over with a fresh clean slate. Oh how I wish it could feel that way but there's history, you see...and its difficult to not allow almost four years of disappointment month after month to creep in at the thought of starting anew. Even if I feel healthier than I've felt in years. Even if I know my reproductive organs are being well oiled and toned. It's hard to not look back and want to protect myself.

I was afraid to share this all here for fear that I would be judged for not being the brave warrior I was last month when so many of you cheered me on. When so many of you chanted along with me that Yes, I Will Be Pregnant and then here I was again feeling paralyzed and weary and on the verge of tears. Here I was again feeling one by one, thin walls of protection coming up to guard my heart from allowing myself too much excitement. Here I was again, turning my eyes away from a baby that stared and smiled at me from a stroller at Whole Foods. Whenever I see a baby stare at me I hear a soft voice in my mind telling me that this little one is an angel, sending me a message that my baby is coming soon. Following suit, another more irritated voice in my head tells me how very ridiculous that sounds and that the baby is staring at me simply because I am wearing bright colors. It doesn't have a message for you at all. You're fooling yourself. Perhaps now you won't wonder why I need to look away and not engage with this battle of soft and harsh thoughts.

The thing is, I don't want to feel I have to be perfect here in my journal. I want to embrace that this journey is so very hard and is a roller coaster of really high highs and very low lows. Perhaps people assume that when my husband and I have been at this as long as we have, that it might get easier, just a part of our daily lives like doing laundry but it doesn't get easier and each month is so very different. One month it might help with the grief to just listen to music and the next month that music might trigger so many emotions. One month I am feeling all Zen and listening to meditation CD's and the next I feel repelled at that idea. Each month is a whole new experience that comes with a package of new lessons and feelings and I have to be gentle with myself about that.

I also have to be okay if what I am going through frustrates people that care about me because I know what they want so badly for me is to move on, to let go, to embrace the goodness, to believe, have faith and stop obsessing. If they see me having a bad month, they might want to help push me along at a pace I am not ready for and I have to understand that their intentions are good and not take it personally. I need to feel centered in the fact that what I need is to just allow myself to feel whatever it is I am feeling at any given moment even if it brings up stuff for other people in regards to me. I need to vent and explore my emotions when they surface and for the people that love me to just sit with it and not try to fix it for me. I will be okay. I will always be okay and pull through it. Sometimes I just need to be heard and validated, like..."yes, this sucks something awful or yes, you will be pregnant"...depending on where I am at on that given month and what mojo I've got going on (or not).

So one month I am a total rock star manifesting princess and the next month I am stumbling and holding on by a string. One month I am loving all the cute couples and their babies at the grocery store and the next month, I am holding my breath until I can sit in my car alone and weep.

I know some of you reading this feel what I am sharing to the core. You probably all have a box of tissues in your car too, hidden between the seats. Yes, you know.

I need to bend with it and I need to not be afraid of spilling all parts because this is my journey and I honor the beautiful, as well as the messy. This is who I am. I'm not perfect. I'm just a woman longing to have a baby and trying to fit all the other amazing things happening in my life around the grief that grips me, sometimes lightly, sometimes very fiercely...always there.

55 Comments:

Anonymous Brooke said...

Boho Girl,

I've been reading your journal on and off for a while now- I think it was one of the first blogs I happened across. I have been going through a similar set of ups and downs, not related to getting pregnant, but dealing with moving to New Zealand from Austin. I have a hard time sharing my grief with even those close to me, so I applaud your openness about your life experiences. I have learned much from you and the way you approach life- especially in this last post. It helps to know that there are other women out there that feel the depths of life as intensely as you do. I wish you luck, hope and I know there will be much happiness in your future. Hugs, Brooke

May 27, 2008 at 5:29:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous amy said...

your honesty and courage is a powerful thing. there is beauty and wisdom in the mess. take care.

May 27, 2008 at 5:36:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous HeatherK said...

My heart felt heavy with yours as you shared and then I had a small laugh. Honoring the beautiful with the messy. That's it. That's parenting. Messy and beautiful. Poo and smiles. Honoring where you are on this journey and holding some of the hope for you that many beautiful moments are ahead for your family.

May 27, 2008 at 5:40:00 PM PDT  
Blogger themad1s said...

Oh dear. I think that all this means that one month you are human, and the next month...you are still human.

You'll always be a rockstar to me.

Be well. Healthy and Growing and Learning and Feeling and Loving and Wishing and Praying and Believing.

May 27, 2008 at 6:06:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Athena714 said...

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I wish for you happiness and peace and, one day, a baby in your arms. I think you have many reasons to be hopeful - you continue to feel healthier, your doctors say that you are fertile, and that is huge. You will be a mother, I truly believe this.

May 27, 2008 at 6:15:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Lisa said...

Girlfriend, you are a brave warrior! You are perfect in your imperfection, standing bravely in your fear, and always beautiful in your messiness. It is all yours and yours alone...and I thank you for sharing your journey with us. You are loved and held and cheered and prayed for, no matter what.

May 27, 2008 at 6:30:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for over a year and I've never left a comment, so here I go. After reading today, I want so much to give you the biggest, squishy, squashy hug ever. I have been where you are now, where you have been. I want to tell you to go for the gusto. Start taking all of the crazy mind altering fertility drugs and get pregnant!! It's a difficult, messy, emotional roller coaster, but in the end, well, hopefully the end means a baby. That's the road I decided to take and I would do it again in a minute. My journey was 5 LONG years. There was disappointment and loss with the fetility treatments, but finally we were blessed with triplets. You've waited long enough...Go for it!!!

May 27, 2008 at 7:10:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Schmoops said...

honey, you sharing your very real grief is what makes you a brave warrior, even during those times you are hanging by a string. you are real, and human, and hurting, and strong, and brave, and grieving, and beautiful, and fertile.

and yes, it does suck.
and no, it's not fair.
and hell no, it doesn't get easier.
and four years is a frackin' long time to want a baby.

let it out.

xoxo

May 27, 2008 at 7:47:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hang in there...

May 27, 2008 at 8:08:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Ames said...

As always I'm struck by your ability to be able to say exactly what you're feeling, you have an incredible gift for sharing and expressing.
Let us carry the burden of being positive and sure that YOU WILL BE PREGNANT this month, you marinate in the messiness and the madness. We'll hold it up for you in the meantime...

May 27, 2008 at 8:11:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh sweetie.
i know how you feel.
struggling with depression is a bit like that-some days are good...weeks are good....sometimes months! and the husband, the family, the friends all hope that this is it-this is when she will finally get her shit together and be better. and then she doesnt.
i am in a constant battle of disappointing the people around me (im a pleaser) and trying to take care of myself.
so i understand the back and forth. the pendulum. the tide. its natural. it is what it is.

ive always done one thing though, no matter what-and that is to truly feel whatever im feeling in the moment. when im down, i let it hit me hard-i dont try to hold it at bay-somehow i think this makes it easier to get over it....like my body needs a certain amount of sadness to every be happy.

so maybe that is my best advice. and something i strive for everyday, and it is my tagline, and it could be cheesy, but its so not for me. just be denise. just be. BE.

its okay.

tara

May 27, 2008 at 8:32:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Leah said...

I am so glad you've chosen today to share your 'heavy' feelings. I've been in a grieving, wanting to be pregnant place this week and your post resonated with me.

Anyway, I wanted to say I feel your pain and your strength and you are such a wonderful person. Your grace shines through your writing. I will continue to pray that your forever babe comes your way soon. You never know we may be pregnancy buddies ;). Thinking of you.

May 27, 2008 at 9:10:00 PM PDT  
Blogger mames said...

thinking of you and hoping you receive some lightness through this difficult time. thanks for being so raw and real and letting us know where you are and what you need.

May 27, 2008 at 9:48:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Moxie said...

I typically shy away from leaving this type of comment - and I do not know how religious you are. However, I feel strongly right now to tell you - there is someone who loves you. Who knows all of your pains, personally. Who knows your struggles and heartaches and celebrations. Ask Him for the miracles you await...

Moxie (formerly LC)

May 27, 2008 at 9:54:00 PM PDT  
Blogger AnnaC said...

there is tremendous valor in FEELING whatever it is that you are feeling, whenever you are feeling it.

As far as I am concerned, you are a fierce warrior princess every moment of every day.

When you need us to hold some of the feelings, you know you can always put it here... and we will all do our best to virtually hold those feelings for you if you need to rest.

The tears are spilling right now. Maybe there is something in the wind. I have been feeling all weekend like a failure for falling off my healthy eating wagon, for not holding my tongue when my mother needled me, for not being nice when I felt low... and then as I pondered the weekend on my long eight hour drive home, I allowed that I did my best... that was all I had and I can climb back on all those wagons tomorrow or the next day and this one weekend does not mark me... it doesn't define me ... and then I came home ... winding down from the wide eyed awakeness of driving, I read your blog...

Please keep sharing ... I am reading with no judgements as I am sure so many others are... and thank you for giving voice to your feelings and modeling the work for me!

May 28, 2008 at 1:42:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My coach gave me this affirmation some time ago:
You are enough. You do enough.
And a long time ago I found that one: You can just be. (I hope the translation is right because I got it in German)
So for you (and me and all of us): You are enough. You do enough. And you can just be.
Hugs Katrin

P.S. I really love your way of sharing. It makes me feel so much less alone - in being human and trying very hard, I suppose

May 28, 2008 at 5:12:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Eileen W. said...

This brings tears to my eyes... I've been and am that woman who has to turn away from the baby smiling at me because my heart has broken for yet another month. Wiping the tears away, I want you to know I cry with you and support you through this roller coaster of emotions you are on. xoxo

May 28, 2008 at 5:24:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Dandelion seeds said...

I think you speak to an honest part of the process that so many of us go through when we are manifesting something we want so badly in our lives. I for one never get tired of your story.

*namaste*

May 28, 2008 at 5:36:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Sam said...

You are truely not expected to be a brave warrior. It wonderful that that part resides inside you and that you are able to use it to get you through- but there is more too you- and those sides need to be released as well.

Fertility/pregnancy/etc. is such a tender issue for women. Despite our pride for womens rights, equality, it is something that is only ours. Our bodies are set up that way- and when they do not do what we think or need them to do- it is a HUGE deal.

I do not have any fertility/reproductive issues. I know that I am very very fortunate because even without any medical issues- it was still a tender spot for me. And I remember after the birth of our last child- I knew that it was the last- and I seriously grieved. Grieved for all the other children I may have had, grieved that the reproductive part of my life was over and grieved that this part of motherhood was ending.

I applaud your tender side and your warrior. And I thank you for sharing your travels on this journey.

Sam

May 28, 2008 at 6:45:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Micheline said...

I just wish I could hold your hand.

May 28, 2008 at 6:59:00 AM PDT  
Blogger pERiWinKle said...

One of the many reasons i love YOU so much is because of your truths. Of not hiding, of being where you are in this exact moment.

I agree - it all sucks! Badly! Terribly! Tiredly! It sucks to the moon and back! It sucks all the way round, month to month, right now!

but just imagine for a moment, that day when it does not suck anymore...that day when it happens...Sweetie, we are going to dance till the sun comes up!

I love you! xx

May 28, 2008 at 7:23:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Jme said...

Yes...I am one who feels this at my core and I want to say Amen sister!
This DOES suck and it's okay to be happy, sad, angry, grateful, obsessed, confused, enraged, etc! Sometimes I don't even know HOW to feel. I wish you peace above all ~ we've been struggling with this for 7 years....I can guarantee you and everyone else around us...it doesn't get easier. When everyone around is continuing to have babies and getting to decide when they have another and we're still stuck back at the finish line...that is not easy. We're on to adoption this year and just found out that we were not chosen after being shown to a potential birthmother. No...it doesn't get easier...so we have to find ways to get through. Wishing you insight on ways to get through.

May 28, 2008 at 7:40:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous AndreaD said...

You know I totally get the baby/message thing! Completely. I just had a bad experience with a psychic - then went to two others who basically said some very similar but different things. All it did was confuse the heck out of me and now I'm not sure what to do!! So don't think you are nuts for believing in magical mojo. Who knows?? But remember this - You Rock - on your good days and bad days. No shame :)

May 28, 2008 at 7:47:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture, still,
treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing
and invite them in

be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~Rumi (from The Book of Love)

May 28, 2008 at 8:06:00 AM PDT  
Blogger QuackMeHard said...

"Do you want to lay your head on my shoulder,
I don't mind if you cry.
Sometimes we all just need to let it out."

Honey, I'm sure everyone'll agree, we're all behind you to chant in your moments of strength. But when you feel weak, we'll join even closer and become a net for you to fall on.

You can fall.

We expect you to fall.

The greatest thing is that we all know you're strong enough to pick yourself back up.

But we'll gladly hold you... cradle you ever so lovingly... until you can.

Because, as everyone's said, it's human. Raw and open. And we all keep coming back because that's what we love about you.

So here I am. Cradling you. And I'll be here until you don't need me anymore.

May 28, 2008 at 8:06:00 AM PDT  
Blogger brittany said...

You're still a rock star, baby. You're rockin it real. Who cares if you get messy; don't we all? usually my mess contains people who get mad at me for blogging about it, but whether you see it or not, we all are Messy Messersons. That is so crappy that you've been having to bear such grief for YEARS. Makes ME want to scream, so I can only imagine. I'm going to shake my fists and let out a scream for you - a big one that comes from the guts and clears it all out. (but first I'll warn my kids;)

I'm sorry this wasn't the month.

May 28, 2008 at 10:18:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Alex aka Gypsy Girl said...

Dearest Boho ~ We've come to love the gentle, open and amazing heart you have. We are here for you and no matter what kind of a day you're having, our job is just to send you love... Feel the hug? xo

May 28, 2008 at 10:59:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am gently and cautiously asking this question ~ Did you put adoption completely on hold for the time being or is it still being considered?

May 28, 2008 at 11:43:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Denise,
Please don't disappear when you feel your worst because you think you need to be strong for your readers. I think I can safely speak for all of us when I say we love ALL sides of you; messy, sad, angry, beautiful ...all of it! Your voice is a beacon for a lot of us. It is exactly the messy parts of you that draw me to you because it resonates so deeply within me yet I can't let it out. My path is different yet so eerily similar in pain and you help. You help. I know that's small comfort but thank you anyway.
Nashay

May 28, 2008 at 12:01:00 PM PDT  
Blogger bamboosprouts said...

I only recently discovered your lovely blog but this post brings back memories. I have been where you are and was there for too long. But that is just a memory now and for me, it is almost a pleasant one, since it is a MEMORY and not my present. I wish the same for you one day.

May 28, 2008 at 1:04:00 PM PDT  
Blogger magicaldamselfly said...

You are always welcome to be perfectly imperfect here. You are very loved and should never feel you can not be who you are at any given time because the love that is given here is unconditional. Your rawness is your story and should be held in loving arms no matter what you are feeling because love should be given in good times as well as sad/tender times.
As for you little boho, I have always felt that you WILL have just that but not in your time, in God's time, leave it in his hands (in faith) then go on to nuture your body so it is ready when that time comes and live life to the fullest in the mean time. You are a very special soul and need to remeber that you are loved every minute of every day.
Keeping you lifted up in prayer.

May 28, 2008 at 1:30:00 PM PDT  
Blogger spanky said...

beautiful boho girl,

How amazing you are. Your journey is not a easy one . I am greatful for you nad your strength and your honesty. Just think of how much that little baby is going to know that it was loved. This awful journey will one day be that babys story. A story of how 2 people loved that baby so much that they went through a whole lot of tough stuff to bring a sweet angel baby into this world. How that child will know its place in this universe. How much confidence she will have. How the love will radiate for her. It will be beautiful. I know its not easy. But it will be worth it.
Love and positive endergy comin to you, I am danicng and praying that you will feel that.

kim

May 28, 2008 at 1:37:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Debbie said...

sending you love and support ... in all conditions

May 28, 2008 at 1:57:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous lindsey said...

sending you hugs, denise!

definitely always best to be honest. there are so many of us who know what you're going through and are comforted to not be alone.

May 28, 2008 at 2:30:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Spiral Bettie said...

Boho,
I was tucking my kleenex box in my car under the seat today, covering my tears from my family as I walked into the house. Thank you for the reminder that there is beauty in the breakdown.

Us girls must stick together.

May 28, 2008 at 2:35:00 PM PDT  
Blogger theclowers4 said...

thank you for being open and honest and vulnerable. it wouldn't be real if you didn't share the hard times as well as the good. that's the refreshing thing about your blog - being able to relate! it's a hard, hard road and one i would rather not be on (honestly!), but there is so much to be learned and that's what i hold on to. thank you for sharing your journey with friends and total "blog" strangers!

May 28, 2008 at 2:50:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hear your words and they resonate

Your strength comes through loudest when you feel your weakest

Thank you for having the courage to post the highest highs and lowest lows

You are a goddess

May 28, 2008 at 3:58:00 PM PDT  
Blogger blisswarrior said...

this is YOUR journal. never should you be afraid of speaking your truth, your joys, your hopes, your fears.
this is part of what makes you so magnificent - you are able to express our deepest emotions, not only to your closest loves, but to all of us.
You are not alone -- one day I am glowing with enthusiasm about my endeavors, high on life and my visions of the future. The next day, I might be so unsure of myself, my abilities, my faith in myself that I dont want to get out of bed.
You posses such a lovely spirit and kind soul...good things are coming...you must believe.

May 28, 2008 at 4:25:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Toni said...

Loving you, as always, for jsut being you. You are bravest, sweetest, yummiest mummy to be.

Never fear that you are feeling this way, this is your journey and journal, and you should express yourself, no matter how you are feeling on a certain day.

Sending you lots love and hugs,

Love Toni

May 28, 2008 at 4:43:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Helen said...

First of all I just don't know how to read all of these comments! How wonderful that you have a web of such love. Second wow, I really got that the pregnant or not-pregnant is something that is measured month to month. It is such a visceral, visible, physical "result" (for lack of a softer term, I'm sorry!) that is in reality. I seriously can't imagine what that is like over there in your shoes, but want to share that for over two years now I have been aching and longing for a love like you have with your sweet husband. It's just not fair to compare, however I feel the longing and the grief to such an almost unbearable level. It feels like day to day I could just die, then one day I feel refreshed and I'm going to meet him any moment! is what I live and breathe. Then the next day I truly wonder if I'm crazy and can't figure out what to do that night, once again, so I sit and mindlessly watch Dancing with the Stars, etc. It has been an extremely painful two years and at the same time I'm been completely focused, as you, on doing what I COULD do. I've grown through therapy, dealt with issues around relationships, leaned into my friendships and gotten more balanced in how I spend my time, done a lot of yoga, starting doing things I've always wanted to do (run a marathon)... all this in an effort to "just live my life". You know, I am doing that fully and although people say "don't look for him, he'll come"... how is that even possible when I yearn I ache I burn for that which I want, that which I know I am meant for? So, why I wanted to write this is to reflect for myself on how in life there will be things like this (some of them huge, some small) that are so painful and feel like I'm not THERE yet. But oh wow, as I have witnessed with your journey, oh the beauty, the growth, the blossom. You are simply doing a marvelous weaving of your story, your path. Please always feel supported and you're right, say what is true for you, always.

May 28, 2008 at 6:05:00 PM PDT  
Blogger all over the map said...

I know the let down that follows when our moments of feeling so strong we can conquer anything fade softly into the background.
None of us can be strong, brave, courageous and positive the entire time throughout any journey.
This too shall pass. I know you know it but I also know it's good to be reminded.
I think you are a brave warrior for being real and honest with this range of emotions. Sometimes the road on the journey is long and tiring and seems hopeless and it sucks. No other way to say it!
I firmly believe that the reward at the road's end is bigger, better and beyond anything you have ever imagined.
Just remember you are still a rock star even when you are weak, overcome with emotion and blowing your snotty nose into those tissues in your car.
Love you.
xo

May 28, 2008 at 9:27:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Tina said...

(((((((many hugs to you))))))))!!!!

It's okay to be strong, and it's okay not to be.

May 28, 2008 at 10:07:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am lighting a candle everyday for YOU with Love Carole XXXOOO

May 28, 2008 at 11:39:00 PM PDT  
Blogger jenica said...

*passing the tissues*

you WILL be pregnant. and it's ok to be sad sometimes. it's part of the process. you'll have sad days even after you're pregnant, and you'll feel guilty for being sad when you're getting your one true wish. you'll have days where you lock yourself in the bathroom so that you can have even one moment to yourself. and then you'll smile and know it's all been worth it.

(((hugs)))

May 28, 2008 at 11:59:00 PM PDT  
Blogger pink sky said...

riding the waves is all prt of the journey...there is no one way to be or feel. there is only feeling your way and breathing into the moment. those who care about you would never judge you or be frustrated by you...don't let these projected feelings get you down. we are all here to lift you up.

May 29, 2008 at 4:28:00 AM PDT  
Blogger ladybug-zen said...

WHEN YOU CAN ENDURE

when
the words stop
and you can endure the silence

that reveals your heart's
pain

of emptiness
or that great wrenching-sweet longing,

that is the time to try and listen
to what the Beloved's
eyes

most want
to

say.

--hafiz

you are supported. just breathe and be you.

May 29, 2008 at 6:51:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous jen downer said...

i cannot cry. at least very rarely can i cry. even i feel like i am going to BURST with sadness or stress, the release of tears does not come. nor do i articulate my feelings very well in words. the feeling just feel so complicated and tangled that i cannot make sense of them. i am not repressed --- just conflicted. :o)
you dear love, have an incredible gift to be able to EXPRESS every bit of feeling you have. embrace that gift. when you are feeling low down and desperately sad remember your gift.

You are FULL OF LOVE AND BEAUTY.

and you are so very LOVED.

bending with it is a lifelong lesson that we all should try to learn. thank you today and always for the reminder.

i adore you from afar. xoxoxlxlx

May 29, 2008 at 7:07:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Thea Coughlin said...

hmmm lovey-
I can only speak for myself.

But I am always here-never ever disappointed with you. That emotion has never surfaced for me. I understand the feelings you speak of.

I so desperately want to be there for you in the perfect way. Sometimes I feel utterly speachless-feeling you from the other side of the country. wanting to stare in your eyes and just listen and cuddle and hug you.

The problem for me is that to acknowledge you I must speak or write and then I get all jumbly sometimes. Not knowing the words to provide the validation I so want to provide you with.

One of the hardest parts of the fertility journey for me was that every week it was something new-a new high or a new low along the roller coaster.

You apply so much positivity in your life-this area of fertility is so crazy-hormonal-and hits us in that biological woman place where no rules apply. No expectations can be set for this place because it is so primal and so sensitive.

Everyone has ups and downs love and when you share here the very real wild and crazy life you embrace it shows me, and others I am sure, that feeling and being real is the most important thing. That our loved ones want that from us.

I want that from you sweet girl. I want you to be raw and honest and open-I will alsways be here to love you no matter what.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
t2t
b2b
h2h
c2c

May 29, 2008 at 10:22:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lucia said...

You're so right. Just go through whatever you're going through. That's plenty to contend with. xx

May 29, 2008 at 10:32:00 AM PDT  
Blogger daisies said...

you are always a rockstar whether you are up or down or everything in between ... life is messy and beautiful and tearworthy ... and look how much amazing support you have even in the low points, you are cheered on :) hugs!

May 29, 2008 at 1:26:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous jenn said...

yes...I know exactly how you feel and I LOVE these types of posts. Makes me not feel so alone.

May 29, 2008 at 4:28:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Kerilyn said...

"Everything is ok in the end... if it's not ok... it's not the end." - Unknown (which means.. DON'T GIVE UP BELIEVING!)

May 30, 2008 at 4:57:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Cate in NoCal said...

Love your blog - you have an amazing way with words and photos - just beautifully said, both ways.

I check in every so often but haven't posted a note. Today I was inspired to tell you that it will all be okay and that sometimes it's okay not to know what is in store for you. (Frustrating, I know).
The universe seems to provide us with what we need and I know firsthand that it's frustrating to have to wait, worry, receive disappointing news, be uplifted and then more. Such a roller coaster.

When I read about your journey, it sounds almost exactly like mine... down to the tinctures, thyroid, meditation and all. I especially knew you were right on when you tossed out "infertility" and continue (rightly so!!) to the "fertile/fertility" description. I did that too and I feel that it's so important.

Anyway, go with your heart and you can't go wrong. I had success after a long, arduous journey in search of fertility and now every moment is that much sweeter having fought so hard to have my girls. Sounds silly and a little Hallmark-y, but it's true.

Be well and continue being kind to yourself!
Best wishes,
Cate

ps - those babies aren't smiling at you because of your bright shirt. I had a similar experience that I dismissed until bonked over the head with them... I live by the SF Bay and regularly walked this bayside path. I'd find pacifiers at one spot only after each negative beta hcg (the blood test for pg) but never any other days. Weird huh? After finding 3, I chose to believe! I hope any bit of this is helpful ;-)

June 2, 2008 at 2:23:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

Hi Brooke from Austin but now living in New Zealand (first commenter).

I have a friend that is living in New Zealand that wanted to offer up her email to you to connect.

Email me at Denise (at) bohophoto (dot) com and I'll give you her email address. Her name is Emily.

Take gentle care,

Denise

June 6, 2008 at 2:06:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Ebony TyShell said...

I'm leaving a comment because your desire to get pregnant troubles me with my life as a single mother. I'm 28, 3 kids, never been married. Not the way I pictured my life but bad choices left me in the position that I'm in now. I can't understand why someone like me (who was in no condition to have children) would get pregnant so easily. The 3 times I was pregnant, I didn't want to be pregnant. And then there's you...you really want to be a mother, so why is it taking so long? Sometimes life just doesn't make sense! I've found that when we finally recieve the desires of our heart, we discover that we didn't need those desires a minute sooner. Your blog reminds me of Sarah in the bible who was old and well stricken in age, yet God blessed her to become pregnant even though she didn't whole-heartedly believe that she would be. I know that God is going to bless you with a baby and I'll have enough faith for you! I will fervently pray on your behalf and I know that you will recieve the desires of your heart!

June 7, 2008 at 3:22:00 PM PDT  

Post a Comment

<< Home