Saturday, May 17

today on the beach*

little girl on beach, canon digital rebel xti

Today my husband and I decided to take a little stroll at a nearby beach. It was blanketed with people both big and small. Its always the small ones that I just can't seem to stop myself from watching; Little cherubs running towards the shore, pig-tailed girls covered in sand while building their castles, a father and son playing catch, a mother dipping her baby's toes into the chilly water, identical twin girls wearing matching swimsuits and choreographing a barefoot dance.

I find myself searching around for their parents and always wonder how their children came to them and if their arrivals where a struggle like it is for us or if it was never a second thought or worry if it would happen. I wonder if they know how very blessed they are to play with their child in the sand and I always keep note that when it indeed happens for us, that I hope we will never take these precious moments for granted.

I wasn't always like this. I didn't always feel a lump in my throat and a yearning in my gut at the sight of a swelling belly or a woman breast feeding or a husband and wife both carrying children on their hips. In fact, in my twenties, being a mother didn't really enter my mind very much. What did occupy my mind was traveling and spirituality, moving around like a gypsy and living in a funky studio high enough to see the golden gate bridge in San Francisco. My family probably often wondered if I would ever settle down enough to be a mother at all. I recall my grandmother often saying "You're just like your Aunt Linda". My Aunt Linda was a bright career woman that never wanted children and married much later in life. Its not that I wasn't nurturing. On the contrary, I was the one my friends always came to for comfort and wisdom and "mothering" so to speak. Being a mother to a child just wasn't a desire at that time in my life. I was a bit too free spirited and wild and curious.

It wasn't until I met my husband that the yearnings came out of left field. I found my partner for life...a male version of me (albeit much, much taller). The thought of creating a family with him was like this primal urge that just took over my mind, body and soul. My heart opened up to this possibility wider and more fierce than it has with anything else in my life. It surprised me and I often wonder if it surprised others in my life. I fell madly in love and the idea of creating a family together felt so very natural and exciting and challenging and right.

Since then, as most of you know that have been reading my blog for a few years, I have come to a balance of creating a life for myself that is so very fulfilling despite our struggles. Yet there is still that empty space. Some days it is easier to manage but on days like these, when I find myself wanting to sit on the sand and watch other peoples children, it haunts me. I try to remember what it was like to be that twenty something city Boho that filled her mind with city happenings but its just not the same. I am transformed by a longing that will not fade away. I am now that woman that is out with her girlfriends sipping martinis but is suddenly distracted by the baby in the stroller outside of the window. It takes energy to regroup, to find my breath again. I find myself going down my mental list of things I am grateful for. This always helps. It somehow takes the sting away. A little bit.

There are days when I can remove myself from a situation that might make emotions surface and spill and then there are days when I know I just have to surrender. Today was one of those days.

I am still manifesting a healthy pregnancy. I am still believing it will happen. I am still feeling that certainty to the core but today I find myself honoring the vulnerable parts too. Honoring others that have traveled a similar path and know what it is like to sit on the sand and brush those tears that won't stop as you watch a little one run towards the shore.


Blogger pERiWinKle said...

mmmm.....or my nature those little ones tend to always come running to 'me/you/us'. M3 always says stop calling the little ones to you...but I promise I don't...it just happens...then I'll take that as a sign to keep the faith...to hope...to trust...to surrender to whatever it is God is teaching us...

sometimes it is the longing for a little one that pulls them closer...but most of the times just the admiration for their little beings...they can be SO cute and adorable...

sitting next to you on the beach...with our toes buried under the sand...whispering our wishes to the ocean! xx

May 17, 2008 at 3:32:00 PM PDT  
Blogger beth said...

children are a blessing...and you WILL be blessed one day. and the tears will still come, but for so many different reasons. and you will be forever changed in ways you haven't even thought of yet. you are being so patient and I believe for that, you will be rewarded multiple times over.

May 17, 2008 at 3:53:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Silvia said...

When I was little and I didn't want to go to sleep 'cause i wanted to be with the grown ups my mom always said that we'd meet up later, in dreamland.

tonight I will meet you there, i will sit with you on the sand and wrap an arm around you.


May 17, 2008 at 3:57:00 PM PDT  
Blogger AbraMichelle said...

I have been reading about your journey for a while and although i didn't discover your blog until this year, I have since then taken the time to read most all of your past posts.

Your journey moves me and although I know that you have been bruised by religion and have moved on to realize that you are more spiritual than religious, I think that your mind is open enough to hear some encouraging words that I have. I wonder if you remember the story of Hannah in the Bible. She was the prophet Samuel's mother. In the first chapter of 1 Samuel starting in verse 4 it talks about Hannah and her extreme distress over the fact that she was barren. In verse 12 it says that she was praying to Jehovah so fervently that her lips were quivering. I don't know if you were ever taught that God has a name, a beautiful name, Jehovah (Ps. 83:18). We may not pronounce it the same as the original Hebrew language but I think He's okay with that. :)

With all of the fertility methods you use I just thought it might be nice if you also prayed to Jehovah referring to him by name and pouring out your heart to him with your desire and wishes. I think of you often and have been trying to work up the nerve to write to you about this and I truly hope that it helps some. Remember that there is a God out there that as it says in Ps 145:16 - "You are opening your hand and satisfying the desire of every living thing."

I really hope that I am not coming off as preachy because I am only trying to be comforting. I hope that I have brought a morsel of calmness to your heart in this turbulent journey of yours.

May 17, 2008 at 3:59:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Jacki said...

I believe with all my heart that it will happen for you. I have struggled for quite some time with the journey to conceive. For me it's hardest when I see children interact with their parents. My heart wells up with the desire to be a mother I feel a rush as I imagine what it would look like to watch my husband nurture his baby.
I have spent the last two years cycling from extreme hope and extreme doubt. I move in and out from one emotion to another and anything or anyone can create another swing in the cycle.
Several weeks ago when I read your post about manifesting your desires and a healthy pregnancy I really felt that your desire would come true. No doubt about it, you will be a mother! Today I feel the same for you. Today, for myself, I feel hopeful.

Bask in your emotions when you need to and when it's time pick up and swing back, it happens for all of us. Thank you for sharing...

May 17, 2008 at 4:14:00 PM PDT  
Blogger mccabe said...

sending you love,
miss boho....

and believing with you.

mccabe x

May 17, 2008 at 10:17:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Unknown said...

you will be a mother - thats completely sure to me. You will play with a little one and give and get lots of hugs with dirty fingers and be stuffed with the food the kid dosent want anymore... I send you lots of good vibes form over here...
Hug from Berlin - Katrin

May 17, 2008 at 11:10:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. I went to the supermarket with my husband yesterday, and suddenly burst out crying. What's wrong, he said. There were just too many pregnant women in there, I replied, I just couldn't cope. And the tears wouldn't stop for a long time...

May 18, 2008 at 4:02:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't know but i i have had dreams of you. dreams of you with a son, a dark eyed beautiful little boy.
he will come to you and when you least expect and hold in...it's all a wild ride and one that you are preparing for now!

you sound like such a lovely person, i so wish we could have a glass of wine and girl talk together.

peace, love & magic to you~

May 18, 2008 at 7:08:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Eileen W. said...

Such a beautiful picture of that little sprite on the beach. I find myself crying when surrounded by other people's children at times too. The longing is strong. Although my path is very different from yours, I can relate to the feelings you express so beautifully. Children are like these little beings of light. I know you are on your path to pregnancy- full, healthy and joyful. My heart is with you. (((hugs)))

May 18, 2008 at 8:53:00 AM PDT  
Blogger mames said...

every time i read here i just want to reach out and give you huge hugs and tell you that i find that you walk through your life with such dignity and honor for yourself and others. thank you for the honest sharing, for the beauty you bring and for helping me see the world that you walk through better.

May 18, 2008 at 9:43:00 AM PDT  
Blogger meghan said...

Hey sweet Boho -

Hearing you and cuddling you and knowing you.

Sending love - that's LOVE - and support. We both know it will happen.

LOVE you my friend!!


May 18, 2008 at 2:15:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mary said...

oh sweetie,
i send you big hugs.
i know these very emotions. they are hard, be gentle with yourself at this time. Know you are loved by many and have wondeful wishes and love sent your way.
it will happen.
xoxo, rogue

May 18, 2008 at 4:52:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My first child came after seven years of struggle. Trust me, I know the longing and the frustration and the feeling that if only you had tens of thousands of dollars fertility treatments would make everything all right. Finally, I had a hcg test done ( the xray where they shoot dye in your cervix to see if your tubes are blocked). The test showed they were open, by my goodness, the pain felt let me know that the test is what undid the blockage. Four weeks later I was pregnant.

May 18, 2008 at 6:33:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I could not stop thinking about this post last night. I have been an avid reader. Anyway, you have been doing everything right and even more for your heart, body and soul. The amount of energy you have spent on this journey is awesome. Sometimes it just plain sucks. I noticed you wrote, " to the chore." Maybe it's just a typo, maybe not. Just know that even on your sad days here you inspire me. I think of you often, all the way over here on the east coast. I hope your feeling centered and peaceful soon. Your boho baby will be blessed indeed.

May 19, 2008 at 5:13:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Darlene said...

Let me say this to you from the family Den...You lived life passionately...every-single-drop and we all loved and admired you and all of your amazing accomplishments.

What we see now is that same passionate girl...married to a just as passionate man.

What happens next?...


A great BIG Bundle of Faith BaBy
who is waiting patiently to get the "thumbs up"

I love you sweet lil sis
a humongous tonamillion
xoxo dar

May 19, 2008 at 6:33:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Stacy said...

sending you so much love.

embracing your vulnerability.

seeing so much of my own story through your spilled words here.

knowing it won't be long until your little one is running towards the shore.

love you angel.

May 19, 2008 at 12:28:00 PM PDT  
Blogger WhimsicalBird said...

I'll say a little whisper to the moon, stars, and see you by the sea.

Only those that believe in magic can find it.

May 19, 2008 at 12:38:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Lucia said...

I am so with you. x

May 19, 2008 at 1:29:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for reminding me to cherish everyday...the sweet and difficult ones.

I will keep you in my prayers.

May 19, 2008 at 7:22:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are thinking of you and keeping you close and dear to our hearts. With your positive and magical spirit, everything will come together for you ;)! Always in our hearts ... sending our love, N, R, L and D

May 20, 2008 at 8:55:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love that photograph. Have you ever considered giving a photography/portrait seminar? I think you have a real gift, and would love to meet you in person. I'm in Newport Beach- maybe not too far away from you?

May 20, 2008 at 9:35:00 AM PDT  

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