Thursday, May 29

warm fuzzies*

boho boy & me

Wow. I feel pretty damn grateful that I can be messier than messy and my cool readers tell me I'm a rock star. I'm trying to feel worthy of this. When I read your comments I almost found myself looking behind me to see if you were talking about someone else. ; ) Total warm fuzzies.

I think I carried all of you with me last night as I walked into my doctors appointment. I felt really empowered by my brave step to be completely raw. Then all of you validated that this journey is fricken painful and its okay that I am not in a super duper positive place about it... all. the. time. It just made me breathe deeper and take a closer look at what my deal was.

I'm not sure exactly why I put that pressure on myself. I think part of it is that I believe so much in the Law of Attraction (you are what you think stuff) that I worry my sadness equally has that much power over whether or not I will conceive. So, this is my journey of finding the balance between manifesting myself into greatness, as well as keeping it real and allowing the messy parts to spill while not losing myself.

Another fear I had was letting people down. That's the people pleaser in me. I have received an amazing abundance of emails with shared stories that parallel mine and have been told that my attitude is inspiring to them and keeps them going. This has touched me so deeply (and humbles me to my knees) and makes me feel part of a sacred sisterhood. The thing is, I think I confused "attitude" with always needing to be that cheery up person but that's not what it is. I've realized, by your comments and a few conversations with friends, that people need to not feel alone in their grief and the fact that I am completely honest and lay it out there allows others to feel empowered to do the same. So, if that is truly the case...we're all in for an interesting adventure.

Lets let it out, man!

The last few days have felt lighter for me. It started with me spilling on my journal and then going to the gym the last few mornings and getting all crazy sweaty! I feel like now that my thyroid is balanced (confirmed by a blood test last week), my energy levels are getting back to where they were three years ago. Three years ago when I could barely go one day without doing something active and feeling fit. The last two weeks I have woken up early with the hubs and left for the gym as he leaves for work. Seeing myself write this totally blows me away. I NEVER like to work out in the mornings...but am finding myself craving it. I bring along my cute little pink iPod hooked up with all of the shake the booty songs you suggested a while back and I close my eyes on that trusty elliptical machine and rock the house. I'm even doing weights. Then stretching. Welcome back old me. I decided to do the gym thing right now because I need structure as I welcome activity back into my life. I also want to feel more flexible and fit before I start up yoga again. I'm not really a gym person but the one I go to is mind and body focused with yoga, pilates, tai-chi classes and a bunch of new high tech machines. I have to shyly admit that I am geeked out by the technology on these modern weight machines.

My gym is small and quaint and has no muscle dudes staring at themselves in the mirror. In the mornings it is just me and about four grandpas and a few yogis. Perfect.

My appointment last night was very comforting. My beautiful doc confirmed that I am on my way but we still have some tests and work to do so that everything is perfectly balanced for my individual body. What I love is that she looks at the big picture of the whole individual and does not compare her patients to "average" numbers. Because not all women fall into an average bracket. You got that right baby! And how could I not feel completely dizzy with smiles when she has me walking out of her office with a tincture bottle that has written on it: "Denise's magic baby hormone balancing formula." Is she not totally perfect for me?

So, as I allowed the mess to spill the other day, it lightened my heart enough to where I could move a bit forward the last few days. Lesson learned.

I'm not sure why I posted this photo. It just brings me warmth and thats all part of this forward movement of focusing on things that bring on those warm fuzzies in my life. Plus...he's a good kisser and that's definitely focus worthy.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

to add to my comment from your last post, not only is it okay to be honest about your feelings, but oh boy do i feel SO grateful when i read how you're feeling and realize that it's okay to be feeling so rollercoaster-ish as i go through this myself. you're so brave to put this all out here, and it's so helpful to those of us reading. i hope you know that!

May 29, 2008 at 9:04:00 PM PDT  
Blogger AnnaC said...

thin, wide smile grows across my face

warmth tingles through me

breathing deeply

feeling your strength

May 29, 2008 at 11:37:00 PM PDT  
Blogger CelticBuffy said...

Glad to hear that you are feeling more like your "normal" self now. It's okay to speak your feelings, I honestly think that is part of working through them. Not to mention that holding it all in can cause problems of their own. Hang in there and think lovely thoughts and SMILE! Indulge in as many kisses (like in the photo) as you can!

May 30, 2008 at 8:06:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Stacy said...

pictures of you and boho boy give me warm fuzzies.

love you,
love your gym with the grandpas and the yogi's
and really love your baby making hormone balancing formula.


May 30, 2008 at 9:20:00 AM PDT  
Blogger nicole said...

Hurrah for the gym and for getting back into yoga! That is so great. And your dr. sounds amazing -- *of course* no woman is average, and how awesome she recognizes it. Lots of luck and good thoughts to you ... take it one day at a time.

May 30, 2008 at 9:43:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Spiral Bettie said...

Boho Girl,
Your voice in the world does wonders for my soul. And the saddness you feel is sacred for yours!

May 30, 2008 at 11:06:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Erin Alaska said...

So glad to hear that you are feeling better! Everyone is allowed to have low days now and then...hang in there, and I'll be sending you warm wishes from Juneau
-Namaste, Erin

May 30, 2008 at 12:06:00 PM PDT  
Blogger kprlcr said...

this made me grin so big - especially the part about the tincture and the label :)

June 1, 2008 at 5:26:00 PM PDT  
Blogger kprlcr said...

this made me smile, especially the part about the tincture and the label :)

June 1, 2008 at 5:27:00 PM PDT  
Blogger hele said...

you are one of my favourite blogs - I always leave here with courage and hope unfurling in my heart.

June 2, 2008 at 11:24:00 PM PDT  
Blogger meghan said...

how wonderful that your doctor gets you - I sincerely and with love hope that she GETS YOU in another way... well... that Boho Boy does but she helps - giggle!!

LOVE you!!


June 5, 2008 at 12:17:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Magicaldamselfly said...

Just stopping by to check in and leave some love.

June 5, 2008 at 1:29:00 PM PDT  

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