self portrait, body image series, canon digital rebel xti
I've been feeling quite tender and protective of my heart lately and noticed as a result of this, I've been retreating a bit. It started when the subject of adoption came up in a conversation and all of these emotions surfaced from a deep place within, tucked away unbeknownst to me. When reflecting on all of this, I realize that our adoption experience was quite traumatic (and not very common). I moved forward quite quickly on a different path and perhaps didn't nurture those painful and shocking emotions enough to move through them. I am aware as I write this that I am naturally a sensitive being and I've witnessed some warriors press on with adoption after it painfully falls through on a mission to hold that child meant for them. But for me, in my heart, I/we felt like this particular birth mom and baby were meant for us and the fact that the sweet little babe didn't end up in our home, in our lives, felt like a passing on of a life, in our lives. So, I suppose I have to allow myself time to grieve what felt so right, accept that it wasn't and not be surprised if emotions come flooding when I am reminded.
With all of that said, it has of course all shifted to a place that feels peaceful for us as far as our new doctors, new breakthroughs and once again trying...but it doesn't mean I still don't think about the fact that I could be holding her now. I wonder if that ache will ever go away and rather than shove it down, I need to honor those feelings and send all this love in the direction to that special birth mom and her new little baby girl.
So, I was talking with a very special friend yesterday about these feelings of needing to retreat and told her that I continue to see this image of me with a huge white protective cushion around my entire body. I was trying to figure out what it meant and why it keeps appearing. I started getting all complicated with twists and turns and then like a breath of fresh air, she simplified it for me. "You are still suffering and healing and anything that doesn't feel gentle, nourishing and safe to you right now, you don't need in your life." Tears welled up in my eyes but not tears of sadness but of absolute clarity of mind and spirit. This is exactly what has been happening. Anything that has not felt nourishing or gentle, has felt repelling to me. I have been craving safety and comfort with friends and relationships and places where my heart is invested. I'm not sure how long I will feel like this but for right now on my journey, I know this is what I need. People in my life that are close to me (or not close to me) may not understand or agree but to be honest, it is time for me to let go of worrying or taking care of that for them. When I know in my heart this is what I need, I just have to trust that those who truly love me will respect my decisions.
Now with this new clarity, I can seek and discover what feels nourishing and feel okay about protecting myself from those things that do not.
Boho Boy and I are retreating into the woods for a week, returning next Friday...so, this will be healing and nourishing for both of us.
Completely off topic, I wanted to share with you guys something I've discovered that indeed feels nourishing! A few weeks ago, Swirly sweetly surprised us with a day of facials given by this talented goddess. Said goddess gave me a fruity enzyme peel that made my skin feel amazing for a few weeks. The idea of a peel used to freak me out but being this is gentle, all natural and with no chemicals, I tried it. I loved it so much, I wanted to be able to do it every two weeks here at home, so she directed me to this Incredible Pumpkin Peel by a delicious product that I already use (sold at my Whole Foods). I did it yesterday and my skin feels so soft and supple and alive. I just had to share the goodness.