Sunday, June 15


self portrait, body image series, canon digital rebel xti

I've been feeling quite tender and protective of my heart lately and noticed as a result of this, I've been retreating a bit. It started when the subject of adoption came up in a conversation and all of these emotions surfaced from a deep place within, tucked away unbeknownst to me. When reflecting on all of this, I realize that our adoption experience was quite traumatic (and not very common). I moved forward quite quickly on a different path and perhaps didn't nurture those painful and shocking emotions enough to move through them. I am aware as I write this that I am naturally a sensitive being and I've witnessed some warriors press on with adoption after it painfully falls through on a mission to hold that child meant for them. But for me, in my heart, I/we felt like this particular birth mom and baby were meant for us and the fact that the sweet little babe didn't end up in our home, in our lives, felt like a passing on of a life, in our lives. So, I suppose I have to allow myself time to grieve what felt so right, accept that it wasn't and not be surprised if emotions come flooding when I am reminded.

With all of that said, it has of course all shifted to a place that feels peaceful for us as far as our new doctors, new breakthroughs and once again trying...but it doesn't mean I still don't think about the fact that I could be holding her now. I wonder if that ache will ever go away and rather than shove it down, I need to honor those feelings and send all this love in the direction to that special birth mom and her new little baby girl.

So, I was talking with a very special friend yesterday about these feelings of needing to retreat and told her that I continue to see this image of me with a huge white protective cushion around my entire body. I was trying to figure out what it meant and why it keeps appearing. I started getting all complicated with twists and turns and then like a breath of fresh air, she simplified it for me. "You are still suffering and healing and anything that doesn't feel gentle, nourishing and safe to you right now, you don't need in your life." Tears welled up in my eyes but not tears of sadness but of absolute clarity of mind and spirit. This is exactly what has been happening. Anything that has not felt nourishing or gentle, has felt repelling to me. I have been craving safety and comfort with friends and relationships and places where my heart is invested. I'm not sure how long I will feel like this but for right now on my journey, I know this is what I need. People in my life that are close to me (or not close to me) may not understand or agree but to be honest, it is time for me to let go of worrying or taking care of that for them. When I know in my heart this is what I need, I just have to trust that those who truly love me will respect my decisions.

Now with this new clarity, I can seek and discover what feels nourishing and feel okay about protecting myself from those things that do not.

Boho Boy and I are retreating into the woods for a week, returning next Friday...so, this will be healing and nourishing for both of us.

Completely off topic, I wanted to share with you guys something I've discovered that indeed feels nourishing! A few weeks ago, Swirly sweetly surprised us with a day of facials given by this talented goddess. Said goddess gave me a fruity enzyme peel that made my skin feel amazing for a few weeks. The idea of a peel used to freak me out but being this is gentle, all natural and with no chemicals, I tried it. I loved it so much, I wanted to be able to do it every two weeks here at home, so she directed me to this Incredible Pumpkin Peel by a delicious product that I already use (sold at my Whole Foods). I did it yesterday and my skin feels so soft and supple and alive. I just had to share the goodness.



Blogger mccabe said...

nourishment is a beautiful word.
well put.

sending you gentleness and love,
mccabe xx

June 15, 2008 at 1:12:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Erin Alaska said...

thinking of you and your boho boy a lot lately, sending you warm vibes from up north. wishing you and your man a cuddly Sunday.
boho boy- happy 'future' father's day...your special day is coming soon, in the meantime we wrap you with our tender thoughts and prayers.
-namaste, erin

June 15, 2008 at 4:01:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Beth said...

Sending you lots of smooshy, cushiony positivity and nourishment. :)

June 16, 2008 at 12:05:00 AM PDT  
Blogger jenica said...

sending you feather filled thoughts and marshmallow pillows. keep safe and be gentle with yourself.


June 16, 2008 at 12:22:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

taking care of yourself is the most important thing...hope the woods are healing for you and boho boy. sending lots of love from the east coast. xoxo

June 16, 2008 at 9:52:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You and Boho Boy do go away a lot. Sounds... nice. Brings a small curl to my lips to think of how wonderful that must be for you. Especially with the... bumps... that come up. I'm not one that needs a vacation often, but from what I hear, others would love to do it as often! I'm glad that you're able to.

June 16, 2008 at 11:29:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

You my darling rock. And I am thinking of you and B boy while you are away.

I kept sending him noursihing, loving, comforting thoughts on fathers day. He and you were on my mind all day.

I know that it must have been a loaded emotional day-or had potential to be with all this and the loss of his father this past year.

Hugs snuggles smooches to both of you.

Glad you are away in the woods nourished and relaxing where you both feel so at home.


June 16, 2008 at 2:54:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Stacy said...

thought of you both yesterday, especially carsten.

enjoy your time away and thanks for the yummy peel shout out. will look for it at whole foods.


June 16, 2008 at 3:26:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Lisa said...

What a fabulous self portrait! Enjoy your time in the wilderness...

June 17, 2008 at 11:45:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So true ~ to allow yourself to just feel what you are feeling and do only that which feels good ~
Wishing you both well & a beautiful time away, x emily.

June 18, 2008 at 2:42:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

loving YOU!

June 18, 2008 at 8:36:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Erin Alaska said...

while listening to one of my oldie, but goodie fave songs today I thought of you. India Arie's song video is so fitting for us self-loving, curvy, beautiful women. Here are my fave words from the song.
"I'm not the average girl from the video. And I ain't built like a supermodel. But I learn to love myself unconditionally, because I am a Queen...when I look in the mirror, and the only thing that's there is me. Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be. And I know my creator didn't make no mistakes on me. My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes, I'm loving what I see!"
You rock girl, you're a Queen.
-namaste, erin

June 18, 2008 at 11:25:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

have a wonderful week together ~ i just want to share a quick story with you, in hopes that it might bring you some comfort. my boyfriend's brother and his wife tried adopting a little girl for over a year and at the last minute the girl's family stepped in and reclaimed her as their own. I know it was heartbreaking for them, but now 2 years later I see how gloriously happy they are with a little girl of their own, and what a beautiful, sweet little girl she is. I believe everything is always working out for the best for all of us ~ I figure we can decide how we want to look at life and I've decided to, as often as I can, default to the latter ~ after meeting you again a few weeks ago, i have the strongest sense that everything is working out beautifully for you and it is just in the process of revealing itself ~(i for one can't wait to see how it all turns out!)~ sending you lots of love and peace.

June 18, 2008 at 4:39:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lucky you to be able to retreat... hope you have a relaxing time.
I'll have a look at the punkpkin stuff xxx

June 19, 2008 at 9:36:00 AM PDT  
Blogger meghan said...


hope you are home safe by now -


June 21, 2008 at 11:57:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I came across your blog by pure happenstance, and I am not struggling with infertility, but I read anyway (drawn in I suppose by your lovely photographs) and found this that applies to so many different situations (and especially for me right now): "You are still suffering and healing and anything that doesn't feel gentle, nourishing and safe to you right now, you don't need in your life. [...] I have been craving safety and comfort with friends and relationships and places where my heart is invested."

So beautiful said, and although I know it perfectly well, it helps to hear someone else say it. Thank you.

July 17, 2008 at 9:27:00 PM PDT  
Blogger tie-dyed doula said...

I am reading this and feeling some clarity, for this is the way that I felt after giving birth to my babies. I needed anything that was not cozy, safe, nourishing, nurturing, peaceful, powerful or loving/lovely-to get away from me.
Anything within those guidelines were welcome in small doses. So, I do not know the history of your sadness or your feelings of retreating that have made up your path but I do know that those feelings are connected to other women out here and we can have an emotional "common thread" with you. You are beautiful-what a fun site for me to stuble across-

Shine ON!!!

July 30, 2008 at 5:55:00 AM PDT  

Post a Comment

<< Home