Monday, July 14

let it move through us...

my dear friend and niece angela, canon digital rebel xti

"To let all that comes - the difficult and the easy - move through you, and to respond to it as truthfully as you can, can not only save your own life, it can heal generations' worth of grief in your family line. And it can help you find the courage to speak up and add to the Power of Good.

To be aware of the role that each of us plays in the ongoing creation of our own lives, our children's lives and the world, and to participate with our eyes wide open, is about as fertile as any of us could ever hope to become."

~ Julia Indichova

It's been a challenging month for me, I'll have to admit. I find that when I am trying something new and seeing results that along with all that hope comes just as much fear of disappointment. I know where this fear comes from. It comes from almost four years of trying new things and as much as I learned so much about myself through that process and gained some blessings, I still do not have a baby in my arms.

I am not sure why the pain feels much stronger and at the surface right now. I feel like a well is opening up inside of me and feelings that perhaps were hidden are just pouring out. Yesterday, on top of the grief I felt from another month of disappointment, I also felt guilty. Guilty for being in a place where I feel jaded. I was blaming myself for not being able to rise above this time and go to that positive place as I have so many times before. I felt like I was failing, perhaps not doing enough healing work lately, almost like I've taken a hundred steps back from where I was.

I grabbed a book off of my shelf that more than a year ago, totally shifted my perspective on this journey. It empowered me and fueled me with a strength and wisdom that came from within. A wisdom that was there all along but the author of this book reminded me where to find it. I was hoping to find that solace again and with gratefulness in my heart, I confess that I did.

One of the first bits I read is the quote above and it brought shivers down my spine. It made me see that I haven't taken a hundred steps back but am still moving forward. Just me allowing these emotions to move through me is forward movement. And me responding to this pain as truthfully as I can will be so healing. Not only healing for me but for those that are part of this journey with me.; my loved ones, my fertility sisters, my dear sweet future child.

I know I am feeling so much because my eyes are indeed wide open. Feeling this pain is worth it because I know what happens when I work through these times. I come out the other end so much stronger and confident with my choices because in retrospect, I see the blessings that follow with each step I take. I may not see those blessings now, but I will see them soon.

I need to be patient and gentle with myself. I need to trust in the process because it has never failed me. I need to remember that I am allowed to feel hurt and confused after so many years of this when I see fertility sisters become pregnant, one after the other and yet I am still walking this road as they join another one. I am totally allowed to fall to my knees now and then. I always get back up.

Just even writing this, I feel a space opening wider in my heart. I know so many of you out there that read this blog are on this journey and this is one of the reasons why I continue to be true to where I am. We can find strength within us...even during the darkest of moments, when we know we are understood and not alone.

Let it move through us...both the difficult and the easy.


Blogger tammy said...

What a beautiful, brave warrior you are.

I'm here. Still quietly cheering you on and praying with all of my heart & soul that your loving arms will be filled very, very soon.

You will get there dear girl. I know you will. And what an incredibly joyous day that will be for all of us who love you.



July 14, 2008 at 10:25:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is always something that feels refreshing and new when I read your thoughts. I just got your lovely daisies photo and it is framed right above my workspace. So needless to say, I think of you often when I'm daydreaming.

July 14, 2008 at 11:13:00 AM PDT  
Blogger kristen said...

"I am totally allowed to fall to my knees now and then. I always get back up."

this, is the testimony to how far you've come.

go gently, xo.

July 14, 2008 at 12:20:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Jacki said...

You are so strong and brave and you've come so far!
I feel like we walk a kindred path and I'm touched that you share the way you do.

July 14, 2008 at 5:28:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's okay to be exactly where you are emotionally - I appreciate the depth and honesty of your posts.

Even though I don't always post, I'm always reading and hoping for you.

Sending you strength for your journey. Please be gentle with yourself.

July 14, 2008 at 7:31:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do not know you but I hold you in my heart with tenderness praying that you will always receive grace to move with gentle strength and quiet dignity through "both the difficult and the easy".

It takes courage to consciously enter into tremendous turmoil and heartache and to actually move toward rather than away;
It takes compassion to consciously be with uncomfortable emotions that reveal themselves when we look into the eyes of our own hurt;
It takes commitment to keep walking the road and to meet our hidden selves with kindness and mercy at every turn.
I believe that you are being gifted to enter your pain in a way that brings you greater wisdom and discernment. May you be surprised by Joy, abundant joy, all over joy.

July 15, 2008 at 5:38:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Jen Laceda | Milk Guides said...

After trying to concieve for a year and after suffering a devastating miscarriage later on (i was 3 months along), I felt so emotionally drained. But I, too, found strength in myself, my creative processes, my husband, family and friends. Four months later, I was blessed with a wonderful gift...a little someone who makes my heart skip and pound. I now have a beautiful 17-month old girl.

July 15, 2008 at 12:47:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Rowena said...

I am not struggling with the same issues, but different ones, and yet, your words and your process is helping me through mine, too.

It's so funny, we think our struggles are so unique to us, but when we reach out, share, and listen, we find out that, it may be a different path, but it's the same journey.

My wishes go with you.

July 15, 2008 at 2:02:00 PM PDT  
Blogger patricia dolan said...

I found your blog via Andrea. On July 7th, I was informed that I was pregnant with my second child. On my birthday, July 11th, I was told that I would lose this child and I have. I'm feeling quite alone, raw and sad. Thank you for writing and making me feel heard.


July 16, 2008 at 7:19:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you find happiness and peace within. Your struggles are so heart wrenching. All the best.

July 16, 2008 at 9:41:00 AM PDT  
Blogger pERiWinKle said...

breath in.... open your heart...

breath out... smile....

breath in.... open my heart...

breath out... smile...

trusting the process. xx

July 17, 2008 at 9:33:00 AM PDT  

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