let it move through us...

my dear friend and niece angela, canon digital rebel xti

"To let all that comes - the difficult and the easy - move through you, and to respond to it as truthfully as you can, can not only save your own life, it can heal generations' worth of grief in your family line. And it can help you find the courage to speak up and add to the Power of Good.

To be aware of the role that each of us plays in the ongoing creation of our own lives, our children's lives and the world, and to participate with our eyes wide open, is about as fertile as any of us could ever hope to become."

~ Julia Indichova

It's been a challenging month for me, I'll have to admit. I find that when I am trying something new and seeing results that along with all that hope comes just as much fear of disappointment. I know where this fear comes from. It comes from almost four years of trying new things and as much as I learned so much about myself through that process and gained some blessings, I still do not have a baby in my arms.

I am not sure why the pain feels much stronger and at the surface right now. I feel like a well is opening up inside of me and feelings that perhaps were hidden are just pouring out. Yesterday, on top of the grief I felt from another month of disappointment, I also felt guilty. Guilty for being in a place where I feel jaded. I was blaming myself for not being able to rise above this time and go to that positive place as I have so many times before. I felt like I was failing, perhaps not doing enough healing work lately, almost like I've taken a hundred steps back from where I was.

I grabbed a book off of my shelf that more than a year ago, totally shifted my perspective on this journey. It empowered me and fueled me with a strength and wisdom that came from within. A wisdom that was there all along but the author of this book reminded me where to find it. I was hoping to find that solace again and with gratefulness in my heart, I confess that I did.

One of the first bits I read is the quote above and it brought shivers down my spine. It made me see that I haven't taken a hundred steps back but am still moving forward. Just me allowing these emotions to move through me is forward movement. And me responding to this pain as truthfully as I can will be so healing. Not only healing for me but for those that are part of this journey with me.; my loved ones, my fertility sisters, my dear sweet future child.

I know I am feeling so much because my eyes are indeed wide open. Feeling this pain is worth it because I know what happens when I work through these times. I come out the other end so much stronger and confident with my choices because in retrospect, I see the blessings that follow with each step I take. I may not see those blessings now, but I will see them soon.

I need to be patient and gentle with myself. I need to trust in the process because it has never failed me. I need to remember that I am allowed to feel hurt and confused after so many years of this when I see fertility sisters become pregnant, one after the other and yet I am still walking this road as they join another one. I am totally allowed to fall to my knees now and then. I always get back up.

Just even writing this, I feel a space opening wider in my heart. I know so many of you out there that read this blog are on this journey and this is one of the reasons why I continue to be true to where I am. We can find strength within us...even during the darkest of moments, when we know we are understood and not alone.

Let it move through us...both the difficult and the easy.