my cycle*

two of my favorite things...blossoms and thea, diptych

I've been thinking a lot about my monthly cycles. Not so much about the physical changes to my body but the emotional. I am not sure why only now I feel fully aware of a pattern that is pretty consistent but this awareness is helping me to navigate my way through the shifts.

First week of cycle: A few days of sadness and disappointment that I am not pregnant but then a rush of hope comes in. I view this as another month to work towards a healthy body, mind and soul. I feel a renewed sense of self while my body cleanses itself.

Second week: Totally in manifestation mode. Manifesting a pregnancy and fully believing. Manifesting stuff for my creative journey and in my friendships. Totally feeling empowered and on top of my game. Begin to nest and ready myself for a romantic week with my husband as ovulation is approaching. I feel fertile in all areas of my life.

Third week: Post ovulation leaves me feeling quiet and mindful, closer to the spirit of my future baby and extremely close to my husband. I feel confident and trust that my body is healthy and doing its absolute best with whatever has transpired. I spend a lot of time visualizing a fertilized egg or a swelling belly and us dancing around on the beach or in our home with our children.

Fourth week: One huge tender bean! Highly emotional. Sensitive to the touch and in my heart. I find myself fighting those darker feelings of fear, insecurity and depression. It's that waiting until I know whether or not we are pregnant. My energy goes towards trying to distract myself, focus on my other passions but I find myself exhausted. Pregnant women come out from every corner and walk around the street like zombies in a film, coming towards me to taunt. I get angry at myself for feeling unable to manifest or visualize or believe it is possible for me. I get quiet with my friends and family. I take things more personally than usual. I swear each fourth week feels like PMS magnified times one hundred.

Well, I am writing about this because I am right in the middle of the fourth week. Although, I do notice now that I am aware of this pattern, I can help navigate my life around how I know I will be feeling. Like, its probably not the best time to go on a trip during the fourth week because my ability to fully be present is just not there and that's okay. Not that I won't go somewhere fabulous because its the fourth week but in the event that I have a choice, it might be wise to wait it out and just allow myself to be gentle during this time.

Yesterday I was laying on a mat and stretching at the mind and body center I go to. I had forgotten that Tuesday mornings have a prenatal yoga class. So, as I was stretching, one by one, about twenty pregnant women walked by me. I felt my heart beating fast and felt unable to breathe. I was having a panic attack. I gathered myself together and practically ran out to my car so that I could completely let go and break down with my head on the steering wheel. I called my husband and he gently talked me down from it all...never judging and always reassuring that I am fully allowed to feel this way at any time. It was one of those cries that leave you feeling utterly drained and spent.

I find it so interesting that if this were to happen at any other week in the month, I might have seen twenty pregnant women walking by me as a positive sign...just like I did last week with the woman stopping me and asking if I was a mother. But yesterday, it felt like a cruel joke...rubbing it in that I am not there yet.

So, perhaps I am writing this all out because I need to not think its odd that I can vacillate so much on this journey. I tend to put too much power on that one dark week of mine and I just need to focus on how fabulous I feel the first three weeks (yay me). I should give myself a break for comparing pregnant women to zombies just seven days out of the month because the rest of the month, I may see them as angels or affirmations.

I am choosing to love and embrace my cycle of emotions each month rather than fight the ebbs and flows of something so very primal and natural. I am also going to meditate on how I can make this last week gentler on my heart.

I'd love to hear how you comfort yourself when you are feeling hormonally heavy in spirit...whether the root of it is fertility or not.

Last night my husband and I laid in bed and he cupped my face and brought my forehead to his. I let the tears fall from my face onto his. This was the most comforting moment I've had the last four or so days...but I know I cannot lay like that for a week. ; )