in the quiet...
em falconbridge, canon digital rebel xti
I've found myself in a quiet space lately. Not just me really, both boho boy and I have been silently mindful, working together in our studio upstairs, both on separate projects but still feeling each others presence close. We have a lot on our minds and simultaneously have a lot of work to do. Its a blessing to have no choice but to get to a place of balance so that we are able to provide our clients with a beautiful piece of art...despite the inner turmoil we may be feeling. Feeling grateful for abundance with work definitely shifts perspective.
This past month we both felt some impatient feelings surface about our fertility journey. The longing is getting stronger, as the hope gets wider. Our bodies feel fertile and ready and it has been taking quite a bit of energy to not look back and allow the fear of new things failing to creep up on us. We're at a place where we are discussing other options...every single possible kind of option and asking one another, "what do you feel deep in your heart about this? what is your gut?" These are questions that sometimes we can answer right away and sometimes we have to ask for time. We've never been one to rush into any decisions. Our slow and mindful way of going about this journey from the inside out would probably annoy many people but we are fortunate that the lovelies in our life get it and support us.
Its another lesson for us in tapping into our inner wisdom...that voice that sounds so sure and strong and powerful. Its so easy for us to hear of another couple's story and what worked for them and to feel that might be the answer for us too but we have to be reminded...no two stories are a like and that we have our own precious story unfolding before us. There is not one way, one treatment, one option that is right for everyone and through learning this, we have gained an awareness of our inner voice and trusting that guidance.
Its beautiful, really...how much we've endured and how much closer we have become. That when one of us feels like we're going to lose it, the other one takes the reigns and keeps us moving.
I've been feeling really close to this little spirit floating around me. I dream about it and wake up wondering where my baby is because it feels so real. I know that this is what has made the last few months tougher. Just knowing it is all so close. This is the biggest lesson in patience that I have ever had and perhaps will ever have in my life.
I know some day it will all make sense. I will kneel down to my child and have that conversation expressing gratefulness for them coming into our life when they did. I'll know that the timing was absolutely perfect and that they waited for good reason. Today, I can already look back and see all the amazing opportunities that have come into my life that otherwise may not have had I had a child a few years ago. I just need to be reminded to trust that process when the ache gets so big that I want to carry around a soft cushiony pillow against my chest to soften the blow.
Being "in the quiet" lately...up here in the studio with boho boy...has helped me to turn the panic around and move through this more gracefully and thoughtfully. I never feel alone in this. Whether it be with him or with my dear tribe...all that embody the patience of saints. I never feel alone.
I just ask that as these days are getting more tender, that you all keep us in your thoughts and prayers and to help us focus on the positive and to keep those affirmations coming. So many of you have an energy about you that reminds me how fertile I am in all areas of my life. Thank you for that.