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Tuesday, August 12

in the quiet...


em falconbridge, canon digital rebel xti

I've found myself in a quiet space lately. Not just me really, both boho boy and I have been silently mindful, working together in our studio upstairs, both on separate projects but still feeling each others presence close. We have a lot on our minds and simultaneously have a lot of work to do. Its a blessing to have no choice but to get to a place of balance so that we are able to provide our clients with a beautiful piece of art...despite the inner turmoil we may be feeling. Feeling grateful for abundance with work definitely shifts perspective.

This past month we both felt some impatient feelings surface about our fertility journey. The longing is getting stronger, as the hope gets wider. Our bodies feel fertile and ready and it has been taking quite a bit of energy to not look back and allow the fear of new things failing to creep up on us. We're at a place where we are discussing other options...every single possible kind of option and asking one another, "what do you feel deep in your heart about this? what is your gut?" These are questions that sometimes we can answer right away and sometimes we have to ask for time. We've never been one to rush into any decisions. Our slow and mindful way of going about this journey from the inside out would probably annoy many people but we are fortunate that the lovelies in our life get it and support us.

Its another lesson for us in tapping into our inner wisdom...that voice that sounds so sure and strong and powerful. Its so easy for us to hear of another couple's story and what worked for them and to feel that might be the answer for us too but we have to be reminded...no two stories are a like and that we have our own precious story unfolding before us. There is not one way, one treatment, one option that is right for everyone and through learning this, we have gained an awareness of our inner voice and trusting that guidance.

Its beautiful, really...how much we've endured and how much closer we have become. That when one of us feels like we're going to lose it, the other one takes the reigns and keeps us moving.

I've been feeling really close to this little spirit floating around me. I dream about it and wake up wondering where my baby is because it feels so real. I know that this is what has made the last few months tougher. Just knowing it is all so close. This is the biggest lesson in patience that I have ever had and perhaps will ever have in my life.

I know some day it will all make sense. I will kneel down to my child and have that conversation expressing gratefulness for them coming into our life when they did. I'll know that the timing was absolutely perfect and that they waited for good reason. Today, I can already look back and see all the amazing opportunities that have come into my life that otherwise may not have had I had a child a few years ago. I just need to be reminded to trust that process when the ache gets so big that I want to carry around a soft cushiony pillow against my chest to soften the blow.

Being "in the quiet" lately...up here in the studio with boho boy...has helped me to turn the panic around and move through this more gracefully and thoughtfully. I never feel alone in this. Whether it be with him or with my dear tribe...all that embody the patience of saints. I never feel alone.

I just ask that as these days are getting more tender, that you all keep us in your thoughts and prayers and to help us focus on the positive and to keep those affirmations coming. So many of you have an energy about you that reminds me how fertile I am in all areas of my life. Thank you for that.

17 Comments:

Blogger Christianne Squires said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

August 12, 2008 at 4:56:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous nikole said...

I was so happy to read this post, to hear how you and boho boy are wide open and hopeful. What you express here is exactly how I feel about my own journey, especially now that our precious girl is here. But it's also the kind of thing that's hard to say to someone else, it's the kind of realization that you have to come to yourself. Keep your heart open to that little spirit - I feel that you will be united soon.

Sending you light and strength and hope, always hope.

August 12, 2008 at 5:14:00 PM PDT  
Blogger justagirl said...

it has to be the very right moment before he will come to you.

my hope and thoughts are speeding across the pacific ocean for you...

Katherine

August 12, 2008 at 5:55:00 PM PDT  
Blogger pERiWinKle said...

Trusting the process...
knowing that it will all make sense...
knowing that His time is not our time..
that His plans is so much bigger than we can ever anticipate...
but with you in every feeling the two of you are feeling, cause it is a difficult and strange journey...

trusting the process...

and in the meantime loving you to bits! xx

August 12, 2008 at 11:19:00 PM PDT  
Blogger christine said...

the quiet you speak of, the gap between the thoughts is the same place where the universe was created & all divinity exists. its where the impossible becomes possible.

i know that every moment we have at each precise time is necessary for the evolution of our consciousness. every day is an opportunity for learning & gratitude. maybe there's some ducks that still need to be put in a row before your card is drawn, i don't know. but when your time finally comes (which it will) i know that it will be so much sweeter.

anyway, i'm sending & wishing you good karma, abundance, health & love.

August 13, 2008 at 1:37:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Eileen W. said...

You and boho boy are in my thoughts-- thoughts filled with golden light of fertility and love. xoxo

August 13, 2008 at 7:25:00 AM PDT  
Blogger helen said...

hello,

i've been reading your blog for a long while now, and am so totally moved by your words. you express the journey of infertility with such candor, sweetness and insight that it blows me away. i truly wish you were around when we were walking our infertility path. (we are now parents to 3, after 5 years of w-a-i-t-i-n-g, intervention and stepping off the intervention path, we were blessed - and surprised:))

i want to say, that in parenting, and being stretch by these amazing beings that children are, the gifts of your fertility paths will be clear - if only, because you are a beautiful, real, engaged human being, but likely more because genuine parenting requires so much than is ever imaginable.

i have felt my babies swirling nearby and my sweet partner truly visualized the spirit of our third ... i wish you gently patience and send you warm, gentle breezes to keep you light and positive. be well:)

August 13, 2008 at 10:51:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

thank you so much everyone for your heartfelt support. it always fills me up with huge juicy happy elephant tears.

*sigh*

helen,
your story is so encouraging...and i see that you live in B.C. can you send me an email? i have some questions!

August 13, 2008 at 11:23:00 AM PDT  
Blogger michael said...

Not too sure where to touch very deeply rooted feelings, nerve connections to the outside world...

Experiencing, navigating through empathetic feelings intertwined in countless directions, into, through and back out again, makes communication slippery. Your very personally intimate way of sharing provides in-roads unexplainable.

The experience with loss, not feeling, feeling, broken, no fix, anger, guts spilling into any soft pillow, listening ear, or open heart, even found at the bus stop, whether coming-in or going away, is the same. I completely know the feeling, waking fear, recognizing characteristics of a warm voice, there/not there, amputated. Tear saturated pillow, feelings alone, mottled, clingy memories too real, become me.

Memories, some only a vague shadow of feelings familiar but limited to unclear longing, hunger for something close but out of touch. Slippery as language itself, like phantom pain spoken of by other war torn amputees; somehow, and I hesitate to even admit this,,,but,,,pain of another, creates connection that-- --CAUTION--slippery language ahead...--is pain soothed.

As you have so astutely shared, these sorts of painful experiences provide access to inner life--identity--lostandfound; never known, familiar again, places where once painful experiences all make, all create, all expose, make me/

August 13, 2008 at 12:17:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Ames said...

You are so patient and so willing to trust in the process, I feel I have so much to learn from you!
Everytime I come to your space, in those few seconds I wait for your beautiful words and photography to load, I wonder if today will be the day I read your exciting news.
Hopes, prayers and love for you and the gorgeous Boho Boy.

August 13, 2008 at 4:39:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Girl on the Run... said...

You're both in my prayers. I'm glad you and boho boy are in your quiet places because being stessed is not good. Your baby is coming. Just enjoy all the efforts.

All the best always,
Sending you Joy...
M

August 13, 2008 at 5:02:00 PM PDT  
Blogger liz elayne lamoreux said...

i am deeply touched by the image that when one of you needs to pause, the other keeps you both moving. beautiful.

sending you blessings and peace and warm, glowing light.

August 13, 2008 at 5:53:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Schmoops said...

'when i'm weak,
i draw strength from you
and when you're down
i know how
to change your mood....'

you and boho boy remind me of that song.

you are most definitely fertile, in all ways.

xoxo

August 13, 2008 at 6:23:00 PM PDT  
Blogger helen said...

hello,

i've enabled follow-up comments/questions to my e-mail address. hope that works?

August 13, 2008 at 8:15:00 PM PDT  
Blogger pERiWinKle said...

helen...i would love to talk to as well...if possible. you can email me at linmalan@btinternet.com.

Thanks Denise...always a feeling of 'relieve' when talking to someone who knows how you feel?

Big hug, xx

August 13, 2008 at 11:01:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Lisa said...

Holding you close today:0 We are headed to the beach for some healing of our own...I will be sure to keep you in my prayers.

August 14, 2008 at 8:53:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Amber said...

Three years into our own fertility journey (12 years ago now!) we reached the same place. Big longings, big decisions. Giving each other the space to think...to FEEL intuitively...to let a lifetime's hopes, dreams and the ego settle and let the true SOUL come to the surface...

It's an important time in the journey...maybe the most pivotal time.

God bless you as you make your way.

August 14, 2008 at 12:50:00 PM PDT  

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