Wednesday, September 24

the whole of the journey*

swirly's hands, canon digital rebel xti

I love when we're out camping in the woods how our bodies become so connected to the ebb and flow of nature. You rise with the sun and fall sleep as it goes down. Coming back from Squam, that connection to nature followed me. So has a peace that transcends the stress a more urban life can bring. That peace I felt walking down the bark filled, pine scented paths is still very present for me. My life has shifted in a way that feels soothing. There is so much healing to be done from this four year path of trying to conceive that we've been on and I feel that healing has already begun. It all began when a dear soul led me to a book called Spirit Babies a few weeks before Squam. That book shifted my perspective in huge ways. At first I was skeptical but then certain chapters resonated so deeply and I created some time and space to try and connect with the spirit of our future child and as weird as it may sound, I truly felt it. It helped me feel connected in a way that felt so real and necessary. Confusion and doubt seemed to melt away the days following this time of prayer and communication that I had sitting on our bed that day and rather than question, I am trusting.

This had freed up my heart to dive into the events ahead of me. Squam felt like a spring board for my journey to photographing and nurturing artists and I am still coasting on that high. So, now I am in this space of just knowing I am where I am supposed to be. When sharing my journey with others, I feel a confidence within me that all that has transpired; the beautiful, the painful, the raw, the wild, the aggravating, the pure joy and revelation... has led me to where and who I am today. It has led me to all the gentle and inspiring souls that are in my life, circling us. I just don't spend a lot of energy questioning any longer. I actually even find myself thanking my baby for waiting. Now I feel because of all that has transpired, I can be a more present mother, feeling more solid in who I am as a wife, friend, daughter, sister and artist...because during the past four years, I was able to nurture those other parts of me. These aren't just words. This past month, those that know me the best have told me they've noticed a shift. I keep hearing..."you are so centered. you are so grounded. you sound GOOD. you seem peaceful." It hasn't seemed to fade away and I am just staying present in each moment and embracing that it is there with me.

My sister Pamela is coming to town to stay with me for a few days. Then this weekend I am heading North to help support two women in my life whom I love so very much; Swirly & Stacy at their show in West Los Angeles at the Peach Tree Gallery on Sunday (hope to see you there!). From there, I get to spend time with the lovely Karen Maezen Miller to photograph her beautiful self and soak up her Zen-ness. All this to say, I won't be around my blog until next Tuesday or so.

I look at this photo I took of Swirly's hands and it reminds me of the more clear perspective I have of this journey for me. Each piece is so messy and complex but when its brought all together to create the whole of the journey, it is so very beautiful, isn't it?


Blogger JuanRa Diablo said...


September 24, 2008 at 10:00:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Stacy said...

my love, it is so amazing to see you this way, to see you in a place where you you can wholly embrace all the blessings on your journey. to be able to see how all the pieces make up something beautiful. you are exactly where you need to be in this moment.

i love you so and am so excited to see you sunday. i can't believe it's been almost a year!


September 24, 2008 at 10:29:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Rowena said...

You and I have different struggles right now, but somehow, I don't think our paths are that far off.

I don't know you, except through your writing, but I can't tell you how much my wishes are with you. I do believe you will have your what your soul desires, but it might not look the way you thought it would. I believe you will achieve it because when people set out on the journey you have, the universe opens to them.

Don't know what we will see when it opens, but I truly believe it does.

And I think it is going to be beautiful.

September 24, 2008 at 11:09:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am wishing you all the best things life has to offer... what a great post.

September 24, 2008 at 1:30:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Paula B. GutiĆ©rrez said...

I really like your blog, your fotos are amazing, I glad to have find your blog through Kelly Rae Roberts!

September 24, 2008 at 3:08:00 PM PDT  
Blogger kelly barton art + design said...

i have goosebumps and tears. i so love reading your words. i never feel centered, but i did in the woods of squam lake. i am working so hard not to allow my conscience to feed back into all the "crap" of the world. trying to nuture my spirit as i can. the one thing i noticed about you is how you shine.
you have such a presence, it is hard for me to put into words, peaceful and considerate i think is what i am looking for. i just wanted to hug you all day long.

have fun with pamela and please please give me all the goods on the show. i so wish i could be there. i am getting a schmoopy original soon and i can't wait!
give them both hugs for me.

peace girlie.

September 25, 2008 at 2:58:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Elizabeth MacCrellish said...

you are amazing!

so wise-- so truly, deeply wise and wow-- I am just sitting with the alchemy lesson here; how you have taken all that has transpired ALL of it and transformed it into gold-- I am so lucky to know you.

bisous, Elizabeth

September 25, 2008 at 5:28:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Kathleen said...

sister...i connect with your words so much.
you know, it has been two years, almost exactly, that i met my friend and acupuncturist, who led me to meditate and visualize "the soul that is ready to come into your life". she had said that she didn't know how it was going to happen "...conception, adoption, mentoring"...but that there was a soul, somewhere, that was waiting to come in.
and it happened.
i had been on a long path, too, to get to that point.
and souls, that were not my liam's, came in before he was even realized.

anyway...just putting that out there. i feel connected with you through this journey...
and i know, one day, i will come here and see a post announcing that soul and it's journey to you.

i love, now, coming here and seeing how your soul is shining in others and making their journey brighter and warmer.

big love atcha', sweet mama xo

September 25, 2008 at 8:00:00 AM PDT  
Blogger melissa said...

yes, so beautiful! you are such a light and i am so very thankful to have you in my life. i love you boho beauty!

September 25, 2008 at 12:48:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is a fabulous photo. I love it.


September 25, 2008 at 6:04:00 PM PDT  
Blogger jenica said...

i echo stacie, kelly, and kathleen. you shine dearest, you literally glow, peace flows out of you and reaches deep into everyone around you.

your hands have been messy for a long time, but the masterpiece is coming together.

loving you.

ps please hug the girls for me this weekend!

September 26, 2008 at 10:46:00 PM PDT  
Blogger pERiWinKle said...

Trusting the process with you xx

September 27, 2008 at 1:21:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

reading this from europe, it strikes me as so odd that you, among many other bloggers i read, find connecting with nature a rare occurrence. i have only lived here a few years, and am choosing to move back to america. i wonder if i will be shocked when i get there - feel cut off from nature. i think that awaits me. it is so important to walk, to breathe real air, to see vegetables peeking out of the soil, and to learn to respect the seasons. i hope you have that, and that i can find that in america. but this is a good note to self to soak it all in extra strong while i am still here.

September 27, 2008 at 4:53:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Jacki said...

Your photos from Squam have been so magical and so special, thank you for sharing.

September 28, 2008 at 5:59:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

yes baby-yes!!!!

October 2, 2008 at 5:59:00 AM PDT  

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