the whole of the journey*
swirly's hands, canon digital rebel xti
I love when we're out camping in the woods how our bodies become so connected to the ebb and flow of nature. You rise with the sun and fall sleep as it goes down. Coming back from Squam, that connection to nature followed me. So has a peace that transcends the stress a more urban life can bring. That peace I felt walking down the bark filled, pine scented paths is still very present for me. My life has shifted in a way that feels soothing. There is so much healing to be done from this four year path of trying to conceive that we've been on and I feel that healing has already begun. It all began when a dear soul led me to a book called Spirit Babies a few weeks before Squam. That book shifted my perspective in huge ways. At first I was skeptical but then certain chapters resonated so deeply and I created some time and space to try and connect with the spirit of our future child and as weird as it may sound, I truly felt it. It helped me feel connected in a way that felt so real and necessary. Confusion and doubt seemed to melt away the days following this time of prayer and communication that I had sitting on our bed that day and rather than question, I am trusting.
This had freed up my heart to dive into the events ahead of me. Squam felt like a spring board for my journey to photographing and nurturing artists and I am still coasting on that high. So, now I am in this space of just knowing I am where I am supposed to be. When sharing my journey with others, I feel a confidence within me that all that has transpired; the beautiful, the painful, the raw, the wild, the aggravating, the pure joy and revelation... has led me to where and who I am today. It has led me to all the gentle and inspiring souls that are in my life, circling us. I just don't spend a lot of energy questioning any longer. I actually even find myself thanking my baby for waiting. Now I feel because of all that has transpired, I can be a more present mother, feeling more solid in who I am as a wife, friend, daughter, sister and artist...because during the past four years, I was able to nurture those other parts of me. These aren't just words. This past month, those that know me the best have told me they've noticed a shift. I keep hearing..."you are so centered. you are so grounded. you sound GOOD. you seem peaceful." It hasn't seemed to fade away and I am just staying present in each moment and embracing that it is there with me.
My sister Pamela is coming to town to stay with me for a few days. Then this weekend I am heading North to help support two women in my life whom I love so very much; Swirly & Stacy at their show in West Los Angeles at the Peach Tree Gallery on Sunday (hope to see you there!). From there, I get to spend time with the lovely Karen Maezen Miller to photograph her beautiful self and soak up her Zen-ness. All this to say, I won't be around my blog until next Tuesday or so.
I look at this photo I took of Swirly's hands and it reminds me of the more clear perspective I have of this journey for me. Each piece is so messy and complex but when its brought all together to create the whole of the journey, it is so very beautiful, isn't it?