a beautiful bizarre*
me talking to and kissing boho baby, photo by boho boy
boho boy talking to boho baby
k and her beautiful swelling belly
We arrived home late last night and slept more peaceful than we have in so long. Today I've been walking around sort of on a puffy cloud. We both have. We keep looking at one another smiling and saying "we're having a baby soon".
The path to our baby is SO different than I imagined but as each minute goes by, it couldn't feel more right...and I cannot believe I am saying these things.
When she opened the door and I saw our birth mom for the first time (going forward, we will call her "K" on this blog), I was mesmerized by her beautiful big clear blue eyes. I didn't even look at her belly. Just her face and how lovely she was. She had a warm smile. I felt a lump in my throat and all I could do was embrace her. She smelled sweet like a baby. Why was I not feeling strange or awkward or fearful or jealous? All I was feeling was joy and excitement and a serious urge to know her more as a person. Boho Boy hugged her and touched her belly and said hello to boho baby inside. I didn't go there yet. I hugged the birth father (we are calling him "T" on this blog going forward). They warmly and gently welcomed us in to sit on the couch and chat. So we did. I nestled next to K and Boho Boy next to T and we started having our separate conversations.
My dear friend Stacy had made me and K matching necklaces that had the word "Brave" engraved on the pendant. I had K open the gift and she immediately lit up all over and put hers on. So did I. I felt like the spirit of my tribe were surrounding me, giggling like girly girls and dancing around us in complete joy. It gave me comfort and energized me. I think K picked up on it. Our moods were harmonious.
I looked over at the guys and they were already laughing and being dudes. Is this for real? Yes, it is folks. It was totally surreal and amazing. Every moment.
The whole day felt like we were hanging out with new friends. Conversation flowed so smoothly and our curiosity about one another was satisfied by question after question about our lives, interests, hobbies, history. I mean, it all happened so naturally. The way it does with friends. Nothing felt contrived or forced or like either of us were being interviewed. We mostly learned about one another by telling stories.
I was surprised that I wasn't feeling as emotional as I thought. Emotional in the sense where I imagined I would break down in tears the minute I saw her belly. I think the idea that she was carrying my child was too grand for me to grasp. I just wanted to get to know her and T. I questioned myself whether or not that was okay. Why was I not feeling emotionally connected to the baby in her belly? Why did it seem detached from the baby boy I have had in my mind? I set those worries aside and just marinated in the joy I was feeling getting to know two really cool people.
Then towards the end of the day, after breaking bread together and shopping together, K and I got in the back seat of the car and I just decided to be brave and lift up her shirt and touch her belly. That's when it happened. That's when it hit me. That is when for the first time all day, I felt like a mother about to have a baby. My hand on her skin got really warm and then all of a sudden I felt a hard kick on my palm and then another flutter. My jaw dropped and so did hers. I stared at her belly in shock and all the visions I have had of my son came rushing into my head. He is in there. Right there. This is the closest I have ever been to his physical body. My eyes filled with tears and K said "he's trying to tell you that he knows you're here."..and I said "I'm going to cry", almost as if to ask for permission and she said..."please, do...go ahead, cry." So we both laughed and I wiped my tears and took a deep breath. It all came together for me and I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest.
From that moment on I have felt a deep and true happiness that I haven't ever felt before. A burning of joy that began swirling around inside of me and it hasn't gone away.
Today I wrote to a dear friend "I am so happy honey, totally happy..."to which that statement made my friend fall apart with tears. So many of my loved ones have written and left voicemails or text messages or blog comments that they are weepy with joy for us. Now I understand what they feel.
The following day before we headed home, we spent a few hours with K & T again. We shared more stories. We snuggled on the couch to gaze at ultrasound photos. We laughed. Talked about favorite films and books. Discovered we all have a lot in common and have lived in the same town at different times. I was utterly floored at how connected our lives seemed to be.
K on several occasions has referred to the baby in her belly as "your baby"...which, we find so very selfless and brave and are forever grateful for. She has been so generous in her reassurance that her and T have made the most perfect choice for them and this child by choosing us as the adoptive parents. I never once felt like it was wrong for me to be happy about this in her presence. She makes it very clear that our happiness is her comfort in that this baby will be so truly loved and taken good care of.
Honestly, I cannot believe I am saying the things I am saying. Boho Boy and I fully realize how unique and amazing this situation is and how truly blessed we are. We walked into this with so many fears and so many preconceived ideas of what felt comfortable to us. Many of those fears have fallen away and a trust and faith and an unfolding has taken place.
We are now just taking one day at a time and not putting any worry into what will come. What has transpired has proven to us that we are exactly where we are supposed to be.
We are humbled by all the positive, gentle, non-judgmental and wide open support we are receiving from family and friends. I'd like to say we don't need that but that couldn't be further from the truth. What we are doing is so vulnerable and huge and unfamiliar that we feel we are being carried by all these amazing love-warriors in our life. Thank you...each and every one of you. Yes, that means you.
K is still having contractions, so it could be any day now where we get the call and fly back out and try our best to get there for the birth and be with her in the room to coach, help her breathe, rub her back, hold our baby and then well...to be continued. ; )
It's all so bizarre...but a beautiful bizarre.