me on our dock at Squam, photo by Thea Coughlin
Our lives are about to take a huge, wild, awe-inspiring shift.
We're adopting a newborn baby in a few weeks.
There, I said it. Can you believe it? Did I just totally rock your worlds?!?!?
I know, I know...I am still walking around in a daze wondering if this is all a dream and if I'll wake up. Well, it is a dream. A dream that has taken over our lives over the past few months but a dream that is real and present and overwhelmingly emotional in a beautiful way.
We've been preparing for this in every way that is possible the last few weeks but also learning to let go of the parts we truly cannot prepare for. It's been hard to keep it from you. I thought I should/could hold out a little longer but there are just so many emotions I need to work through right now and my blog has always been one of the places I felt safe to do this. Perhaps because of the very non judgmental and gentle support I receive from all of you.
Everyone knows that adopting a newborn has that risk. That risk that the birth mom will choose to keep the baby after birth and because of this, I wanted to protect us, protect you from getting too invested and attached. But then again, I realized that if I surprised you with a photo of our baby, that there would be so many questions and I would have missed that opportunity to share the journey leading up to this precious new person in our life.
Love is risky. Totally absolutely risky. So, in the name of love, I am taking this risk, knowing that it is worth it. Worth it to us, worth it to you and worth it to the little bean to ride this roller coaster that adoption can be.
A few months ago, my husband and I were on the trying to conceive train. We had considered adoption a while ago and when it fell through, we went back to what felt comfortable to us. We knew we would dip our toes back into adoption again. Perhaps for our second child but didn't feel quite ready.
Then we got an email. Our superhero adoption consultant had a birth mom in mind for us. She knew we weren't considering it but she had a gut feeling and she took the risk and put it out there for us, knowing our reaction might be full of fear and uncertainty. And it was. I was frightened. Frightened to put my heart out on the line again. But Boho Boy and I talked and both felt in our guts that we were supposed to hear her out and we did and then I must say...it felt like our hearts grew wide, wide open. We wanted to hear more and surprised ourselves. The birth mom sounded amazing and safe and intriguing.
She was due in November with a "presumed" girl. We had always imagined a girl in our life. I'm not sure exactly why. Perhaps it is that we are both so very sensitive and soft and I am so feminine. Most people in my life and on my blog said "girl, girl, girl". Our adoption consultant knew we had a girl in mind.
The birth mom received our profile book. A book of photos and the story of our life. While she was reading and gazing and marinating on our book, we were learning more and more bits about her that we were attracted to.
So, we fell in love with this birth mom and she has fallen in love with us. We're like a dream team for this baby, pulling together to figure this all out. Sometimes awkwardly. Sometimes with utter and complete flow.
While I was at Squam, I got a call from my husband that she went in for an ultrasound and they found out it was really not a girl. It was a boy.
To be honest, at first it was an adjustment. I had a closet full of beautiful girl clothes given to me by a friend. What was he going to wear? Isn't it hilarious that in my shocked state of mind, I went to something so superficial? That's what shock does, I suppose.
It was so divinely perfect that I was surrounded by some of my tribe at that time. They gathered around me while at Squam and when I needed to break down and work through all the weird emotions that came up, they were there. Then there was one night in front of the fire in our cabin when I could literally feel my heart release and all this clarity came rushing in. The photo above was taken the next day. Can you see the peace?
What helped was that I remembered a few things that I had shoved away to protect my heart.
I saw a psychic a few years back that told me in a past life I was considered a Queen. I had many children and concubines that suckled them. There was one particular baby that missed that intimate connection with me and wanted to come back into my life for a new relationship. It was a boy, she said.
Then I remember about 6 months ago, I had a dream about a boy calling out my name. I woke up and missed him down deep.
I had another psychic session on the phone where she told me she saw a boy spirit around me.
Then I started reading this book called Spirit Babies and there was this chapter when the author of the book was counseling a couple. He has the gift to see spirit babies around people and has since he was little. This couple had tried to conceive for many years. He told them that he sees a spirit near them but that it is a boy and all these years, they have wanted a girl. For some reason, this really got to me and I started balling, tears flowed freely for a long while. I couldn't figure out why that hit me down in my gut.
Of course in retrospect, the messages I was getting from God and the Universe were so very clear. Funny how I consider myself so in touch, empathic and intuitive but yet I couldn't see any of this until now.
Now I cannot imagine it any other way. My heart is so very open and in love with this little boy and it all makes so much sense to me now. Everything. Everything leading up to this and all that we've gone through.
Some of the pain of our journey and longing to be pregnant is so fresh but so much of this joy is lifting those wounds. The connection we feel with our child goes beyond the womb and that is something I cannot really explain yet.
The birth mom is at 33 weeks and is having early contractions. We've been told that everything is fine with him and it could be any day now. She has had children before and each of them have been born quite early. So pre-term labor is common for her. They are all healthy and thriving.
We are not allowing worry to come into our life about the fact that he may be a preemie. We are not projecting anyone else's story onto ours. We will have our own story.
We've spent the last two weeks preparing our home, our hearts and our minds for what is to come. I can't really think about anything else but the health and comfort of our sweet birth mom, whether or not the baby is okay and the fact that I'll be a mommy very very soon.
Please keep the birth mom and this baby boy in your thoughts and prayers. We are flying out to meet her face to face this weekend. I am a bundle of nerves and excitement. In fact, I don't quite know what to do with myself until then. Will I totally lose it when I see her? Will I hold it together and be strong for her? Will it feel strange that our baby is in her belly? Will it feel beautiful? Will she like me? Will she like Boho Boy? Will our conversation flow? Will it be awkward? Will it be blissful?
Even though she has chosen us. Even though we've heard those words whispered to us, from her over the phone with absolute certainty. These vulnerabilities and insecurities surface.
Tune in to find out how it all went... ; )