finding my peace ~ updated!!
me laying on a dock at squam, photo by thea coughlin
Update at 10:30PM PST on November 1st: We just now got "the call". K is in the beginning stages of true blue labor and has been admitted. We're flying out there ASAP. Please send up your prayers! Our hearts are racing with excitement. We'll update you as soon as possible. Weeeeee!
Update at 10:30am on November 2nd: We are at the airport on a layover, on our way. Just found out her contractions have slowed down quite a bit but the docs feel it should happen anytime in the next few days. Still flying out there and staying until he comes! Can't wait to see K & T...and give K a massage. She was up all night and needs some rest. What a crazy, fun ride! Why do I have a hunch he'll come on election day? That would be hilarious. Thanks so much for all your love soaked support! We're totally beaming over here.
I was wondering when it was going to happen. I think most of my loved ones were waiting too. Every time they dialed my number or emailed me to check in on the status of this adoption, there was that question asked as they held their breath..."how are you doing through all of this?" I'm fine, I'm fine, I'd answer and then I'd go on talking about the baby or our birth mom K and the adorable onesies we just got in the mail from a sweet friend.
I felt like I've been spinning high off the ground for over a month now and I loved it up there. I've lived with four years of a sadness that lurked underneath all my joys. I've lived with fears of going outside, knowing I will run into pregnant women or little babies in strollers or wrapped around their parent's bodies. I'd have to check myself..."Is it okay to go outside today? Can you handle this?" But lately I've walked outside without a second thought. I've smiled at the pregnant women. I've waved and cooed at the babies in strollers and wraps and slings. Probably because I finally believed...and I mean truly believed that I would be a mother and very soon. I no longer felt isolated but part of a growing community around me. My heart was no longer consumed with the pain that comes with seeing these things around me and then followed up with the guilt for feeling resentment towards them. I felt free.
I've been riding on the waves of my loved ones who have jumped in on this adoption journey with us with arms wide open. They too have taken the risk of just believing it will happen. They too began talking in a language with us as if it already has. That this baby is indeed our son that has longed to be with us, and we with him and he is finally coming. They all joked saying "Of course this is how he came into your lives! You always were the different one in the family!" or "This just totally suits the Bohos lifestyle."
And then there were the few people in our lives that carried a lot of fear with this process and didn't want to "jinx" it by believing it whole heartedly. They had so many fears about what may not happen and how broken into pieces our hearts would be if it didn't. Down beneath the surface of it all, these loved ones of ours were just afraid of us being hurt and were feeling protective and cautious of our hearts. Regardless, I couldn't really be around that energy. As much as I understood and had compassion for it, I had to rise above and take the risk and believe. I had to throw my whole being into this like a fierce mother bear out to find her little cub in the woods, knowing she will find him by his scent. No one could stop me. No one could tell me any different.
Then the other day I had my crashing point. Perhaps it was an emotional day. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep I had the night before. Perhaps it was an email I received from K that seemed a bit tender than normal and I had misinterpreted what she was really trying to say...but I allowed myself to feel afraid. I allowed myself for just a short while to see what it might look like if she does indeed decide to keep him because it will feel impossible not to do so once she first lays eyes on him. Perhaps we will drive into our parking spot with an empty car seat and a bag full of newborn onesies that were never worn.
At this thought, it happened...what everyone wondered would happen...I had a mini meltdown and you know what? I let myself have it. So did my darling amazing loving husband. He just let me unravel. As we laid there in our bed and I sobbed and told him all of the things I was secretly afraid of. As I let all of those walls come tumbling down and exposed my deepest fears that I didn't want to believe in, he just listened and held me. He didn't try to fix it. He didn't tell me things would turn out differently. He just stroked my hair and breathed along with my breath and let me soak his chest with my tears.
There was something so powerful about that release. And that is what it felt like. All these tiny fears and burdens that were building up and as soon as I opened the door to the well, they flowed out of me along with my tears. I couldn't really sleep that night. I felt like I had just ran a long marathon (not that I've ever been in one and knew what it was like, but I imagine it would feel like how I felt). The following day, I allowed myself to walk around in silence. To sit and stare at a wall. To lay down to take a nap. I didn't try to buck up and move forward and ignore the shift that occurred. I suppose I was trying to prepare myself for another scenario that I hadn't allowed myself to embrace. So, I allowed that and imagined all the things we would do to recover from that sad scenario.
And then I received an email from K. A long, beautiful, heartfelt email reassuring me all the reasons why she wants us to have this special baby growing in her womb. She wiped all those hidden fears away in one gentle and fresh swoop. Her intuition told her to write these emotions to me and she did so powerfully and perfectly and said everything I needed to hear. Everything I had believed in these past few weeks. Everything that kept me floating and certain and not wanting to hear any different. She reaffirmed the faith I had in our relationship, our connection and how magical this process has been. She gave me the greatest gift that morning and I will never, ever forget that email exchange and how very moved our hearts were by her words and reassurance and utter and complete selfless love for this baby. She confirmed that everything we feel about this baby boy and how it has felt that he is supposed to be in our lives, is how she feels as well. For a few weeks now, I have been the one that has held her and comforted her and it was her that wrapped her arms around me to tell me everything was going to be okay. We feel so totally blessed to have been matched with such a wise, intuitive, gentle, warm and nurturing birth mom. We have such beautiful stories to share with our son about her courage and strength and selflessness during this time.
So, I am floating again. I am embracing this roller coaster of a journey. I am wholly in it now...embracing both the joy, as well as the fears. All of it and no matter how this unfolds, I know it will be worth it.
We all feel he is coming very soon. Very soon and I am finding my peace through it all.
He will be a Scorpio. Curious what you guys know about Scorpios...