the grief that grips

just me, photo by boho boy

I've found myself retreating a bit about what to write here in my journal lately. Perhaps because it is that place in my Universe where I have been accustom to being so raw and real and the past few weeks I've been a wee bit afraid of some heavy feelings that are resurfacing. I think I've been hard on myself lately about the fact that the positive/manifesting head space I was in last month has wained a bit. I've been blindsided by the contrast between last month and this one and I think I have a pretty good idea what triggered it. My temperature rose quite high after ovulation and those of you who are familiar with obsessing about this sort of thing, know what this could mean; a possible pregnancy. My hopes went sky high and then midway through the ride, my fear of yet another month of disappointment caught up with my hope. I found myself pulling back and falling silent and mustering up all of my energy to find my footing again until I knew whether or not this was the month.

And it wasn't.

With all that said, I realize that my body is just now getting healthier and balanced and truly...I need to give it time. I've even heard from our docs that this is like starting over with a fresh clean slate. Oh how I wish it could feel that way but there's history, you see...and its difficult to not allow almost four years of disappointment month after month to creep in at the thought of starting anew. Even if I feel healthier than I've felt in years. Even if I know my reproductive organs are being well oiled and toned. It's hard to not look back and want to protect myself.

I was afraid to share this all here for fear that I would be judged for not being the brave warrior I was last month when so many of you cheered me on. When so many of you chanted along with me that Yes, I Will Be Pregnant and then here I was again feeling paralyzed and weary and on the verge of tears. Here I was again feeling one by one, thin walls of protection coming up to guard my heart from allowing myself too much excitement. Here I was again, turning my eyes away from a baby that stared and smiled at me from a stroller at Whole Foods. Whenever I see a baby stare at me I hear a soft voice in my mind telling me that this little one is an angel, sending me a message that my baby is coming soon. Following suit, another more irritated voice in my head tells me how very ridiculous that sounds and that the baby is staring at me simply because I am wearing bright colors. It doesn't have a message for you at all. You're fooling yourself. Perhaps now you won't wonder why I need to look away and not engage with this battle of soft and harsh thoughts.

The thing is, I don't want to feel I have to be perfect here in my journal. I want to embrace that this journey is so very hard and is a roller coaster of really high highs and very low lows. Perhaps people assume that when my husband and I have been at this as long as we have, that it might get easier, just a part of our daily lives like doing laundry but it doesn't get easier and each month is so very different. One month it might help with the grief to just listen to music and the next month that music might trigger so many emotions. One month I am feeling all Zen and listening to meditation CD's and the next I feel repelled at that idea. Each month is a whole new experience that comes with a package of new lessons and feelings and I have to be gentle with myself about that.

I also have to be okay if what I am going through frustrates people that care about me because I know what they want so badly for me is to move on, to let go, to embrace the goodness, to believe, have faith and stop obsessing. If they see me having a bad month, they might want to help push me along at a pace I am not ready for and I have to understand that their intentions are good and not take it personally. I need to feel centered in the fact that what I need is to just allow myself to feel whatever it is I am feeling at any given moment even if it brings up stuff for other people in regards to me. I need to vent and explore my emotions when they surface and for the people that love me to just sit with it and not try to fix it for me. I will be okay. I will always be okay and pull through it. Sometimes I just need to be heard and validated, like..."yes, this sucks something awful or yes, you will be pregnant"...depending on where I am at on that given month and what mojo I've got going on (or not).

So one month I am a total rock star manifesting princess and the next month I am stumbling and holding on by a string. One month I am loving all the cute couples and their babies at the grocery store and the next month, I am holding my breath until I can sit in my car alone and weep.

I know some of you reading this feel what I am sharing to the core. You probably all have a box of tissues in your car too, hidden between the seats. Yes, you know.

I need to bend with it and I need to not be afraid of spilling all parts because this is my journey and I honor the beautiful, as well as the messy. This is who I am. I'm not perfect. I'm just a woman longing to have a baby and trying to fit all the other amazing things happening in my life around the grief that grips me, sometimes lightly, sometimes very fiercely...always there.