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Tuesday, July 11

proud


tammy, canon digital rebel xt

This is my dear friend Tammy and her 8th month swelling belly. She has been the mother of sweet Jonas for 7 years and for five years, tried for this little darling girl in her womb about to arrive in a month's time. She had a baby shower this past weekend. I had expressed to her earlier that I may not come because I was afraid that it might open up a well of emotions within me that I felt I had moved through. I knew she would understand because she had tried to conceive for five years and still felt quite close to that journey.

The few days leading up to the shower, something shifted within. I was feeling quite free of my usual slight depression. I was feeling hopeful and well taken care of by our doctors. I felt so close to the possibility of being a mother that going to the shower, I may not feel like an outsider but like one of them, one of the "mothers", so to speak. Most of all...I just really yearned to celebrate her miracle and her womanhood.

For the first three hours, I held it all together. My focus was completely on Tammy and her luscious belly and glowing self. Being behind the camera lens the entire time was like a security blanket for me, keeping me distracted from that well I spoke of earlier.

Then it happened. The minute I relaxed, sat down and actually paid attention to the gifts she was opening (rather than taking pictures of them), I saw her pull out a few adorable little bohemian girl outfits. I felt that all familiar longing in my heart. Then an all consuming heat moved up my face. The room began to close in on me. I could hear my heartbeat. I looked around and for the first time realized I was the only one in the room, besides her young nieces, that wasn't a mother. I tried four deep breaths to stop the tears but I felt them coming, so I quietly stepped outside. I paced back and forth, went back in and knew it was over. The dam was about to break. I apologized to the lovely hostess and tip toed out the back door and the flood began. I sat in my car and let it flow and later when I arrived home, talked it all out with my husband.

My first reaction was to be disappointed in myself. I wanted to support Tammy, to be a part of the celebration for all of her efforts and patience on her journey up until now. I felt so frustrated that right when I was feeling so good, I had taken what felt like many steps back. The few days following, I felt completely traumatized. Numb. Energyless. Weepy. Overwhelmed. Thank God I have an amazing husband that never tires of these emotions. I know he is right there with me, just expressing it differently than I do.

I allowed myself time to be still and feel everything and am rediscovering my strength again, picking up the pieces and creating art from it all. I talked to a few wonderful souls that loved me into a more peaceful place, reminding me that everything that I was feeling was perfect and just as it should be. I am finding my center, focusing on all of the other aspects of myself that make me whole.

Instead of being angry, I am now proud that I lasted three hours, proud that I went out of my love for Tammy and thankful for the lessons I learned through the pain.

Note to self: No more baby showers until I get pregnant. *smile*

25 Comments:

Blogger b/sistersshoes said...

I already told you how wonderful it was that you were a humble servant that day. An unselfish choice you made to bless someone else.

Get that flower picture back up here. You are a bouquet of sunshine to any event and I'm sure she appreciated every minute you were able to be there.

3 blessed hours....courageous YOU

I love you with warm hugs and yes...I'll be reaching down and grabbing your buttocks ;^)What's a sisters hug without one?

surrounding you with honor today!

your greatest fan....dar xxx

July 12, 2006 at 12:45:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Susannah said...

It's like i said: i would have lasted 3 minutes, not 3 hours - you were so brave to go, even knowing that it might cause the sadness to come back. and i am doubly proud of you for *feeling* the emotions that came up and working *with* them, not running away. the healing path you are on is so enormous, so powerful, i'm amazed you're not 6 feet tall with all the growing you've been doing :-)

your second greatest fan *giggle* - just think of the cactus!
x

July 12, 2006 at 2:01:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

hey sweets,

gentleness gentleness

i wanted you to know i am here, listening to your story, breathing into the space with you.

a couple of days ago i had morning sickness symptoms. for the rest of the day, i wondered if a child grew in me, blossoming my belly into a full lotus, propelling me into a love soaked future of family. and i felt somewhat at peace with that, despite my youngish age.

today, the day after full moon, my bleeding came, and there was a soft whisper of a grieving in there. i wonder if every woman hears that soft grief in their womb on their first day of blooming. all i know is i sit here with tears sparkling in my eyes, acknowledging my body and my heart, growing all the wiser in what it is to be a woman.

i wanted to share with you deni that i cannot know the grief in your womb. mine was only a day or two of gentle longing, yours is your heart desire and journey dream. i honour your path to becoming a mother. the transition does not come as smoothly as one would wish, and yet it is.

the moon crescenting from waxing to full moon, our radiant bellies that lay cocooned in our lovers palms, the strengthening of our calves, the tresses cascading down our backs. we step toe by toe into the waterfall of fecundity.

away in the cosmics today,

with love, peace, womb grief and womb knowing,
leonie

July 12, 2006 at 2:14:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Turquoise CRO said...

I feel so helpless, I am so glad you have an understanding husband, I am proud of you for going for your friend, I am sending you and Carsten love and prayers Boho gal :)heart healing and soft gentle hugs xoxox

July 12, 2006 at 4:16:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Love, love, love.....I am so glad your loathing has turned into pride...you are strong and loving and brave and courageous.

I can imagine how happy and touched she must have been for you to stay so long....I know I am..

Loving you deeply
XOXO

July 12, 2006 at 5:31:00 AM PDT  
Blogger deirdre said...

I know so well that struggle between emotions - the baby craving that feels like you'll die from wanting and the desire to be a "good" friend and celebrate with no reserve. You did well sweetie. Remember the dream.

July 12, 2006 at 7:04:00 AM PDT  
Blogger LiteraryGirl said...

I think it is awesome you were able to put aside your emotions and support your friend, and I would say three hours was above and beyond. I remember this so clearly, those emotions, they are powerful and real.

Hang in there, sister. I have been sending up many prayers for you and your womb this week.

July 12, 2006 at 8:16:00 AM PDT  
Blogger gkgirl said...

thats damn right
that you should be
proud of yourself
for going,
for being there for your friend
even when you suspected
it may cause you pain...
you did it,
you went...
you did what you could.

man.
i so wish there was
something
i could do...
something tangible,
something more than typewritten
words.

sigh.

sending you all the hugs i have.
:)

July 12, 2006 at 9:45:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Madeleine said...

Personally I think it incredibly brave of you to have gone. I don't think that I could have. Your friends sound like caring, supportive and understanding people who know what a hugely difficult time this is for you.

It takes me back to a time a few years ago when I lost a baby at 6 months. A month later my sister in law became pregnant. When she told me, all I could do was cry. I found it so hard to be big and brave.....Unfortunately she wasn't quite so sympathetic.

When you want something like you do, soooo much, you carry it everywhere with you. You see it everywhere you look and hear it in every sound. It will come, but I understand your pain, I really do.
Lots of love. Be kind to yourself. You're very brave and honest to share this

XX

July 12, 2006 at 9:56:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Letha Sandison said...

I love you, as I already told you, you are amazing! i could not have lasted, I don't know if I could hve even gone!!

Keep taking care of you and staying in safe places!!! Sharing with people that make you feel loved and safe!

Can't wait to chat!!

(((((((BIG HUG)))))))
XOXOX

July 12, 2006 at 9:59:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous amystery said...

You are so brave and strong my dear. Three hours was a huge accomplishment and I'm sure Tammy knew and appreciated every second of them, especially given her own journey. love to you...

July 12, 2006 at 10:23:00 AM PDT  
Blogger brittany said...

I so appreciate your openess and honesty. I have never been to the point where you are, and it can be hard to understand where someone is coming from in a situation like this. One of my closest friends has had a hard time getting pregnant for the second time and she has had similar feelings to you, and it was hard to figure out where she was coming from and I don't know if I was sensitive enough with her. Thanks for this.

I hope you can find peace.

xoxo

B.

July 12, 2006 at 10:28:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Sarcomical said...

i don't know how long you've been trying, but i can understand the feeling. though for me that all comes and goes in waves of months at a time when i'm really cool with it, and then all of the sudden i'm not, then back and forth.

isn't being a grownup lady fabulous? ;)

July 12, 2006 at 10:28:00 AM PDT  
Blogger liz elayne said...

you have said so much in this post and i am so happy to read that you feel proud of yourself. yes, my dear. this is it. owning that you have feelings, emotions, a heart that hurts and loves. this is part of your journey. and you are finding the courage within to love yourself completely. finding the love inside. yes. through the sadness and the grief, you find yourself. beautiful truth my dear.

peace and light and hugs to you friend.
love,
liz

July 12, 2006 at 10:53:00 AM PDT  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

you did fabulous girl! you did what you could and that's all you can ever ask from yourself. you are beautiful and amazing and dearly, dearly loved. i just want you to know that i am still praying for you, taking some time every day to imagine my hands cradling your belly, asking God, the Universe, whoever or whatever will listen to grant you the blessing of motherhood. i'm here for you lovely thing!

July 12, 2006 at 11:42:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Stef said...

that you went is amazing - loving hugs to you my dear!

July 12, 2006 at 12:03:00 PM PDT  
Blogger my pink sky said...

sweet, sweet soul...always touching others ~ take it a little easy on yourself.

July 12, 2006 at 12:57:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous annax said...

Warm thoughts to you and your husband on this journey. My heart hurts for you. I think you are an amazing woman. And you may not be aware how much you give away when you are just being yourself.

Many blessings to you!

July 12, 2006 at 1:57:00 PM PDT  
Blogger *aimee* said...

I hope you don't mind my two cents...I stumbled upon your blog and have been so inspired by your strong spirit!

July 12, 2006 at 1:59:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Bek said...

You are a very brave womyn honey.
Very.
I think three hours is amazing... You are a beautiful soul. And I am sure Tammy feels so very blessed that you were there for her... and 3hours. Schez... that is AGES.
I love you.
Bx

July 12, 2006 at 3:14:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Deezee said...

beautiful honesty in this post......

July 12, 2006 at 5:21:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A reading of Enlightenment from "Goddess Days." May you be encouraged...


Spread your arms wide in a gesture of awakening and receptivity. Breathe the Goddess' grace deep into your body. You are encouraged to honor the past by integrating what you have learned and can use from it. Release the rest. As the light of day dances the new into your Life, break free from self-imposed restriction. Say out loud what is bothering you.

This may be a perfect time for limiting your dependence on material things and external trappings. Leaning on unstable supports can set you off balance. Goddess is self-supporting. Stand tall. Keep your spirits lifted. You are the author of your own Life. Say it the way you see it. Make it the way you want it. Rediscover the true shape of who you are, without needing to confirm to external standards. Goddess is smiling with you.

AFFIRMATION: I am valuable and worthy of Love. I am filled with enthusiasm and renewed vitality. I can breathe deeply and trust my own inner knowing. I can speak and create my world.

July 12, 2006 at 7:51:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Dana said...

This is so moving and so honest. Thank you for sharing it with us.

And you absolutely should not feel disappointed in yourself.

And you absolutely should feel proud. And strong.

July 12, 2006 at 9:28:00 PM PDT  
Blogger paris parfait said...

This is a powerful piece, full of honest emotions. It's wonderful that you were there for your friend; I'm sure she and everyone else understood how difficult it must have been for you. Wishing you better days and happier news soon! Tara xo

July 13, 2006 at 3:45:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous melanie said...

your honesty and bravery brought a tear to my eye. you are indeed a beautiful soul! xoxox

July 13, 2006 at 5:43:00 AM PDT  

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