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Saturday, August 12

suitcase heart


boho & her favorite suitcase, canon digital rebel xt

"I hold so many people in my suitcase heart." ~ The Weepies

Speaking of the weepies...it was quite the morning of tears in our household. I had forgotten how good it felt to cry hard into a pillow with sheets tied up in knots all around my legs. I had forgotten how good it felt to moan...to dig deep into my well of pain and pull it out with all of my strength. I have let it fester there for too long. Whether it was to keep moving forward or to be strong for my family, myself...I let it lie there drowning deep within me.

Every other month when I would start my cycle I would just cry for a few minutes and then shake it off. I had a goal and I didn't want to get sucked into a vortex of drama steering me away from my focus.

Not today. Today I cried hard. Alone. Then with a kitty curled up next to me. Then with my husband snuggled up behind me. I cried to God. I cried to the Universe. I cried to my baby. It wasn't a victimy cry. It wasn't a "poor me...why is this happening" cry. It was a release. A release of pent of emotions of mostly just sadness. Before I did this, my heart felt tight. My stomach felt tight. My muscles in my brain felt tight. But now I feel lighter. I feel more clear. I feel more alive. I feel more whole.

We have made a decision that for the first time in a long while, feels so in sync with our hearts. We are leaving our western fertility clinic and moving forward on this journey with a holistic doctor. I won't go into details. Just know that it fits with us, our bodies and what we believe may be the issue to our challenge with conceiving. It was an empowering decision that meant letting go of the unnecessary fear our doctor was planting within us.

After making this decision, I had a strong urge to mourn what I thought was the path for us but knew down deep in my heart that it never quite felt right. Once my husband and I sat knee to knee and admitted it, threw down our denial and spoke our truth, I couldn't help but move deeper into that well...further into the emotions I had been hiding.

I sent out an email to my closest friends and family informing them of our decision. I was worried most about the reaction from my family...mainly my dear parents. I know they love me deeply and naturally worry about us and what we're going through. I was worried that they would panic that we left our western doctor because they want a grandchild as much as we want a child. Then I heard my mothers voice today on the phone. As soon as she said hello, I heard in her voice that all was well. She let me cry in silence for a bit and then she proceeded to be my cheerleader. She was thrilled of our decision. She felt at peace about it. She agreed with the method. She believes I will conceive. She trusts. She got it. She was my rock. During that phone call, I felt her suit me up with my armor and I walked away from it ready for a new journey.

Pixie pointed out on the phone the other night that I have a wonderful support system here on my blog as well. She's right. You all have been an integral part of my growth.

I am learning through this that I have a resilient and big heart...a big suitcase heart where I am holding each one of you on this journey.

Are you suited up? Onward we go...

edited to add: I want to personally thank my sweet kindred friend Thea today. She was a huge part of helping us get to this decision. We've talked on the phone ever day and she has gently helped me dive deeper to discover many truths about this journey. We are now on this new holistic quest together. I love you!

26 Comments:

Anonymous LB said...

I'm so sorry that your wish didn't come true this month. But I am glad that you're moving forward in a way that feels right. I also left the whole western medicine world a few months ago and am now going all natural. This is definitely a fluid journey full of chances to follow our hearts. It sounds like you are fully supported by friends and family and bloggers and I think you're very lucky in that regard. Hang in there... :)

August 12, 2006 at 10:53:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Turquoise CRO said...

I'm ready Boho gal! I'll pack some prayers, lots of them, HOPE and FAITH too! ((((Boho gal&Boho boy))))

August 12, 2006 at 10:58:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Georgia said...

{{{Boho}}} <<< Hugging you!

I am sending you as much happiness and postitve energy as I can muster! I am thrilled that you are choosing a more holistic approach. I know that I do not know you as well as some, but I feel for you and hope for all the best!!!

Much love,
~Georgia

August 13, 2006 at 12:55:00 AM PDT  
Blogger gkgirl said...

ready to go...
:)

hugs and more hugs!

August 13, 2006 at 3:23:00 AM PDT  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

I'm sorry for you and your husband this month. Every month I experience this waiting period with my patients and it is truly a journey.
It's good that you and your husband have made this decision. While I think the Western intervention is amazing and helps many people, I also think that there is a HUGE gray area that MD's don't know about or have an explanation for and this is where holisitic medicine makes an impression. I get so angry when I hear that a doctor has put the fear of ---(whomever) into the hearts of their clients/patients when they decide to leave or decide to do something that's not part of the protocol. I also have seen doctor's advise patients in a way that will enhance the stats and numbers coming out of the clinic, because often this is what's most important to the medical staff. And finally, I've seen MANY of my patients be turned away or had their dreams shattered at their clinic, either by being told it will never work, they can't cycle, etc. and then find themselves pregnant.
In this very long comment from someone that virtually never comments, I think it sounds like you both have made a wise decision and I'm sending healing and soothing thoughts out to you on this journey.

August 13, 2006 at 4:35:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

The minute I saw the title-I smiled. The Weepies speak to a very emotional loving part of me-I love that song.

You look so beautiful and peaceful in the photo-I want to give you a big smooch on your cheek.

I too am moving with what feels right on my journey. Last night I thought-maybe we should wait to do another frozen cycle until January instead of next month. I have some natural healing I would like to explore too.

When I read about your mom-it made me so happy- and I aspire to be there for my children like that through their life.

I love you darling.
You are my mentor and my friend.
I am so grateful for you.
Loving you to pieces

August 13, 2006 at 6:09:00 AM PDT  
Blogger b/sistersshoes said...

You mean my crying & cussing didn't feel supportive? :)

Probably not...I told my hubs that I wanted to beat someone up for hurting my lil sis. He said, "That's what big sisters are for!"

So....right now I feel like a warrior with an attitude...I don't know where that fits in with all of this...but hearing your honesty helps.

And being strong for your family?...that's my job honey...but let's both give those jobs up and just let love take it on.

I love you so tenderly

xxx dar

August 13, 2006 at 10:07:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Miss Meep said...

Hello from a long-time lurker. I was moved by the hope and positivity in your post - you are an amazing woman.

Wishing you all the luck in the world with your new journey.

August 13, 2006 at 10:42:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Vesper said...

i think you are being very courageous....both you and your husband, in trying something new, and i also think it's a wonderful idea! all the very, very best!

August 13, 2006 at 12:43:00 PM PDT  
Blogger brittany said...

sweet pea, you really are a strong woman. I'm glad that you feel lighter after letting it all out. I'm loving your supportive family--all the way from your marmie on through to your little kitty. You are so loved. Here's to a new start with a new decision. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

xoxo
b.

August 13, 2006 at 1:30:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Susannah said...

...and i am holding you right back, my little love... this feels like the right decision, and i believe you and CK can make no wrong decisions on this path - you are following your hearts, and your truth, and the outcome will be one of joy and happiness... and i am here to hold your hand as you move forward... i'm always here x

August 13, 2006 at 3:11:00 PM PDT  
Blogger deirdre said...

My heart if full of baby wishes for you. Go in the direction that feels right for you and be tender with yourself while you step into this next journey.

August 13, 2006 at 4:54:00 PM PDT  
Blogger ruby said...

hoping this new journey of yours will yield many more blessings and answered prayers...

August 13, 2006 at 5:23:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Madeleine said...

I am so pleased that you feel you have found a new path on your journey which feels right for you both. i have no doubt that you have made the right decsion, and that your prayers will be answered, dear one.
sending you lots of love and all my poistive thoughts.
that photo is beautiful...very peaceful

xx

August 13, 2006 at 6:30:00 PM PDT  
Blogger liz elayne said...

i am so glad to read that you feel a release my friend. this is wonderful. and i am so happy for you that you are making this shift and changing directions. i can feel the power you feel in this decision. yes. it feels like something bigger than a shift (a word i love and use a lot)...more like a leap over a mountain my dear.

(and i started singing this song as soon as i read this post's title. love those words.)

August 13, 2006 at 10:12:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

bless your dear suitcase heart ~~~~

all will be well deni.

All Will Be Well.

(all is well now... but it will get even better... :) )

i believe in it strongly.

love,
leonie

August 13, 2006 at 11:37:00 PM PDT  
Blogger swissmiss said...

Hi - I've been lurking for about a month now - I found you through Thea's blog. I've been admiring your art (you posted a pic of an especially beautiful necklace not long ago) and your positive attitude and not wanting to break into the conversation you have going with what clearly are some dear friends.

But hi. Here I am, a stranger saying hi and wanting to say I wish you all the best on the next step in your journey towards your child. You have to do what feels right and it's always empowering to take control of your own situation. Congratulations on that choice. I'm sorry your child isn't with you yet. Keep walking.

August 14, 2006 at 12:23:00 AM PDT  
Blogger SwirlyAnge said...

Walking firmly beside you on your journey boho....armour in hand, and love in heart.
Ange xo

August 14, 2006 at 2:57:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Bek said...

Darling girl.
All that you dream of will be yours soon.
Bx

August 14, 2006 at 3:26:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Tonya said...

sounds like you found a way to balance life and heart - has to be right - it just does.

August 14, 2006 at 7:54:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

I think you are making the right choice for you, and I absolutely believe it will yield your hearts desire to you. :) And yes...a catharsis to clear the decks for your necessary action.

I'm here for you, when and if you need me.

Much love, xoxoxo, Mon

August 14, 2006 at 9:30:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous samantha said...

I'm so happy for you and your precious husband, in that you're facing a new direction, one that feels right for you. Blessings on this road, blessings that find you with your dream in your arms...

August 14, 2006 at 1:07:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Romina Bacci said...

...i am !!

this journey will have a happy ending, and a happy begining...

it's so true what you said about that special way of crying, so true.

i'm so happy i met you

i love you girl!!

August 14, 2006 at 1:19:00 PM PDT  
Blogger kelly rae said...

you are such a huge, tender, inspiration.

August 14, 2006 at 6:36:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Vivienne said...

Denise,
I feel you so much. I also feel really good about this decision, from where I sit. Nothing but love for you and C.
Princessraqs aka Vivienne

August 15, 2006 at 11:01:00 AM PDT  
Blogger AnneMarie said...

I say "good for you!!!"
after being infertile for so long... I too gave up on docs...countless medications, many months waiting... 2 weeks for ovulating... 2 weeks for Aunt Flo NOT to show... 9 surgeries later.. ugh! it was time... I knew that other ideas needed to be tried... to trust in a higher being.... to try other methods...
God laughed at me trying to control.... who knew after 9 years we would conceive... it is a miracle.. I KNOW it...
have faith, trust.... it will happen...

I'm so glad your mom was there to be a cheerleader for you!!!

(I followed your link from Twistedsoda)
AM

August 16, 2006 at 8:39:00 PM PDT  

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