suitcase heart

boho & her favorite suitcase, canon digital rebel xt

"I hold so many people in my suitcase heart." ~ The Weepies

Speaking of the weepies...it was quite the morning of tears in our household. I had forgotten how good it felt to cry hard into a pillow with sheets tied up in knots all around my legs. I had forgotten how good it felt to moan...to dig deep into my well of pain and pull it out with all of my strength. I have let it fester there for too long. Whether it was to keep moving forward or to be strong for my family, myself...I let it lie there drowning deep within me.

Every other month when I would start my cycle I would just cry for a few minutes and then shake it off. I had a goal and I didn't want to get sucked into a vortex of drama steering me away from my focus.

Not today. Today I cried hard. Alone. Then with a kitty curled up next to me. Then with my husband snuggled up behind me. I cried to God. I cried to the Universe. I cried to my baby. It wasn't a victimy cry. It wasn't a "poor me...why is this happening" cry. It was a release. A release of pent of emotions of mostly just sadness. Before I did this, my heart felt tight. My stomach felt tight. My muscles in my brain felt tight. But now I feel lighter. I feel more clear. I feel more alive. I feel more whole.

We have made a decision that for the first time in a long while, feels so in sync with our hearts. We are leaving our western fertility clinic and moving forward on this journey with a holistic doctor. I won't go into details. Just know that it fits with us, our bodies and what we believe may be the issue to our challenge with conceiving. It was an empowering decision that meant letting go of the unnecessary fear our doctor was planting within us.

After making this decision, I had a strong urge to mourn what I thought was the path for us but knew down deep in my heart that it never quite felt right. Once my husband and I sat knee to knee and admitted it, threw down our denial and spoke our truth, I couldn't help but move deeper into that well...further into the emotions I had been hiding.

I sent out an email to my closest friends and family informing them of our decision. I was worried most about the reaction from my family...mainly my dear parents. I know they love me deeply and naturally worry about us and what we're going through. I was worried that they would panic that we left our western doctor because they want a grandchild as much as we want a child. Then I heard my mothers voice today on the phone. As soon as she said hello, I heard in her voice that all was well. She let me cry in silence for a bit and then she proceeded to be my cheerleader. She was thrilled of our decision. She felt at peace about it. She agreed with the method. She believes I will conceive. She trusts. She got it. She was my rock. During that phone call, I felt her suit me up with my armor and I walked away from it ready for a new journey.

Pixie pointed out on the phone the other night that I have a wonderful support system here on my blog as well. She's right. You all have been an integral part of my growth.

I am learning through this that I have a resilient and big heart...a big suitcase heart where I am holding each one of you on this journey.

Are you suited up? Onward we go...

edited to add: I want to personally thank my sweet kindred friend Thea today. She was a huge part of helping us get to this decision. We've talked on the phone ever day and she has gently helped me dive deeper to discover many truths about this journey. We are now on this new holistic quest together. I love you!