pj's, a film...and mothers day*
me in my pj's, canon digital rebel xti
The photo above has nothing to do with the reason I am writing, really. Except that after the day I have had, cuddling up in my pj's is exactly what I need. I wanted to give these drawstring pants that I brought home from Whole Foods a shout out. They are so soft and cuddly with the added bonus of being eco-friendly. I wear them as pj's and to lounge around. Whenever I find something irresistibly cozy, I promise to share the goodness.
My husband and I just returned home from watching a film. It was one of those times when we were out and about running errands and thought we'd stop by our favorite independent theater to see what was showing next. That happened to be the new film Then She Found Me. We had no idea what we were walking into and I suppose that always adds a sense of spontaneity and adventure. Part of me wonders that if I had known what it was about, if I would have chosen to walk away but in the end, I am glad I didn't.
Prior to the film I was pleasantly surprised at how strong and calm I have felt as the Mothers Day holiday approached. I haven't felt a sense of sadness but more anticipation than anything. These are new feelings and welcoming ones.
(spoiler alert...i share about the film but not much more than what you see in the trailer)
About 10 minutes into the film my mouth dropped open. Then within two hours I watched the main character's story unfold about her own struggles with trying to conceive in her marriage, being adopted, miscarriage, her relationship with her birth mother and being faced with the decision to adopt or do western fertility treatments. I didn't know whether to laugh at the irony or cry in the face of it all. The entire film triggered so many emotions in us that by the end, we sat there utterly exhausted and starring at the screen until the lights came on, the last credits rolled and we were the only ones left in the theater (with the exception of the cute tattooed and pierced employees cleaning up the aisles).
Boho Boy knew I needed to regroup before we headed back out into the bright lights of the city. I just sat their quietly letting the tears fall, wiping my face and waiting until I could share my thoughts with him. I was left feeling a bit discouraged that some sadness and anxiety crept in when I had been feeling so good but I know it is completely natural and expected after watching something that resonated so deeply. I asked Boho Boy if he thought the messages in this film were signs for us about what is to come. He gently brought me back around, reminding me that we are starting anew with some breakthroughs in our journey. Hearing him go down the list of all the reasons he feels confident that we can do this, slowly brought me back into my centered space, one breath at a time.
In that space I was reminded that whatever journey brings you peace is most likely the one you should be on. I got so tied up into this woman's story that I confused it with my own. That is so easy to do but as sisters on a fertility journey, we can all meet one another in our pain and then step outside of it and be aware of which path is theirs and which one is ours.
Our decision to try again has been a song in my heart and the way I have felt over the past few weeks is a confirmation that we are where we are supposed to be.
It was an absolutely beautiful film. Extremely raw and real and so well done. I am grateful that it is bringing awareness to the intensity of emotions on this journey, for those that have never traveled this road. It just felt so close to home and falling on a holiday that can feel a bit tender, I got a bit side tracked.
Like so many other times when pain from this journey surfaces and it feels exhausting, there is a deep inner strength that comes after self reflection and finding my footing again.
I remember looking over at my husband as the credits rolled and my heart swelled so much it could fly free from my chest. Watching the couple in this film's marriage break down over their fertility journey, left me feeling grateful that all my hubs and I have been through has only brought us closer, tighter together and stronger as individuals. It is times like these that I appreciate the Yin and Yang of our hearts and how when one of us feels weak, the other feels strong enough to lift up.
The rest of the evening, I will stay in my pj's and be gentle with myself and think about all of my other sisters on this road. Whether you're still longing for your child or you finally have them in your arms after longing for so many years, I am meeting you right where you are and celebrating how we will never take for granted the gift of motherhood.
I am going away for five days to be with some friends.
Until then, I will meditate on all that came up for me today and be gentle, gentle, gentle...and marinate in all of the encouragement I have been receiving from my sweet MPDT. ; )