Saturday, May 10

pj's, a film...and mothers day*

me in my pj's, canon digital rebel xti

The photo above has nothing to do with the reason I am writing, really. Except that after the day I have had, cuddling up in my pj's is exactly what I need. I wanted to give these drawstring pants that I brought home from Whole Foods a shout out. They are so soft and cuddly with the added bonus of being eco-friendly. I wear them as pj's and to lounge around. Whenever I find something irresistibly cozy, I promise to share the goodness.

My husband and I just returned home from watching a film. It was one of those times when we were out and about running errands and thought we'd stop by our favorite independent theater to see what was showing next. That happened to be the new film Then She Found Me. We had no idea what we were walking into and I suppose that always adds a sense of spontaneity and adventure. Part of me wonders that if I had known what it was about, if I would have chosen to walk away but in the end, I am glad I didn't.

Prior to the film I was pleasantly surprised at how strong and calm I have felt as the Mothers Day holiday approached. I haven't felt a sense of sadness but more anticipation than anything. These are new feelings and welcoming ones.

(spoiler alert...i share about the film but not much more than what you see in the trailer)

About 10 minutes into the film my mouth dropped open. Then within two hours I watched the main character's story unfold about her own struggles with trying to conceive in her marriage, being adopted, miscarriage, her relationship with her birth mother and being faced with the decision to adopt or do western fertility treatments. I didn't know whether to laugh at the irony or cry in the face of it all. The entire film triggered so many emotions in us that by the end, we sat there utterly exhausted and starring at the screen until the lights came on, the last credits rolled and we were the only ones left in the theater (with the exception of the cute tattooed and pierced employees cleaning up the aisles).

Boho Boy knew I needed to regroup before we headed back out into the bright lights of the city. I just sat their quietly letting the tears fall, wiping my face and waiting until I could share my thoughts with him. I was left feeling a bit discouraged that some sadness and anxiety crept in when I had been feeling so good but I know it is completely natural and expected after watching something that resonated so deeply. I asked Boho Boy if he thought the messages in this film were signs for us about what is to come. He gently brought me back around, reminding me that we are starting anew with some breakthroughs in our journey. Hearing him go down the list of all the reasons he feels confident that we can do this, slowly brought me back into my centered space, one breath at a time.

In that space I was reminded that whatever journey brings you peace is most likely the one you should be on. I got so tied up into this woman's story that I confused it with my own. That is so easy to do but as sisters on a fertility journey, we can all meet one another in our pain and then step outside of it and be aware of which path is theirs and which one is ours.

Our decision to try again has been a song in my heart and the way I have felt over the past few weeks is a confirmation that we are where we are supposed to be.

It was an absolutely beautiful film. Extremely raw and real and so well done. I am grateful that it is bringing awareness to the intensity of emotions on this journey, for those that have never traveled this road. It just felt so close to home and falling on a holiday that can feel a bit tender, I got a bit side tracked.

Like so many other times when pain from this journey surfaces and it feels exhausting, there is a deep inner strength that comes after self reflection and finding my footing again.

I remember looking over at my husband as the credits rolled and my heart swelled so much it could fly free from my chest. Watching the couple in this film's marriage break down over their fertility journey, left me feeling grateful that all my hubs and I have been through has only brought us closer, tighter together and stronger as individuals. It is times like these that I appreciate the Yin and Yang of our hearts and how when one of us feels weak, the other feels strong enough to lift up.

The rest of the evening, I will stay in my pj's and be gentle with myself and think about all of my other sisters on this road. Whether you're still longing for your child or you finally have them in your arms after longing for so many years, I am meeting you right where you are and celebrating how we will never take for granted the gift of motherhood.

I am going away for five days to be with some friends.

Until then, I will meditate on all that came up for me today and be gentle, gentle, gentle...and marinate in all of the encouragement I have been receiving from my sweet MPDT. ; )


Blogger Beth said...

Sending you lots of hugs and strength and magic and hope this weekend...

May 10, 2008 at 10:48:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ditto from me!! I love the frame of that mirrow btw, beautiful colours :-)

May 11, 2008 at 12:09:00 AM PDT  
Blogger pERiWinKle said...

In the mids of our treatment to conceive, we went out for a milkshake.
M3 asked me why do I want to have children? I thought about it for a moment and said for me it will feel like the 'coming together' of the love we have for each other...on which he said: "for him, the fact that we still want to be together, we are stronger as individuals and love each other, after all we have been through (saying that so many couples break up after such a journey), is for him the 'coming together' of our love.

Gratefulness....amazement...absolute 'want to eat him up cuteness'...

I understand how a film like this can touch on your own emotions...that is what happened when i first found you...I thought I was ok with it all...accepted where we were...I also had to consciously remind myself which feelings are my own...and which are not...

but as it is Mother's day...knowing that there are so many beautiful brave women out there who would love to be a mommy....I send out little butterfly wishes to set around your heart...to comfort you...to tickle you for a giggle or two...to remind you how precious you are....every day! xx

May 11, 2008 at 3:01:00 AM PDT  
Blogger christianne said...

boho, you are so beautiful. i absolutely love the way you speak out loud to all of us on this blog. you are so honest and raw and real and open, both when you feel joyful and when things are hard. thank you for sharing the gift of yourself with us here.

i've been wanting to see that movie you watched last night, but as soon as i saw that was the one you went to, my heart stopped for a split second because i wondered how it would be for you, given your journey.

i love the way you are so gentle with yourself. i especially was moved by your realization of being caught up and confused by someone else's journey that it made your own become hazy. that whole thing about distinguishing between our own journeys and other people's journeys was really crystallizing for me. thank you.

May 11, 2008 at 7:39:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Allison said...

i am in the same place as you right now. literally, it's like fate that i stumbled upon your blog. my husband and i are much tighter too, which is a blessing. thinking of you on this day.

May 11, 2008 at 8:42:00 AM PDT  
Blogger AnnaC said...

you and boho boy are your greatest sign...
it is so powerful to live the life we have, face each day for the blessing or challenge it brings

have a great week feeling and living all that comes to you!

May 11, 2008 at 9:12:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

d - i am gathering you up in my heart to love you, and love you, and love you. katherine

May 11, 2008 at 12:29:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Lisa said...

Mmmmm...a lovely post.

May 11, 2008 at 12:51:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sending you lots of love
pretty lady.

and happy mothers day
to you...

for the
mother you are going to be,
the mother you are to your friends
and loved ones,
and most of all-
the loving mother you have been to
so gentle and kind you are to you.

it is inspiring and beautiful
to witness.

all my love and care,
mac xx

May 11, 2008 at 1:35:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Stacy said...

so much insight and wisdom in your words. powerful and poignant.

as one of your sisters who will never take motherhood for granted, i also want you to know that i will never take the friendship we have formed for granted either.

i always walk with you, hand in hand.


May 11, 2008 at 5:39:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bless your heart and your dearest Bohoboy. My mister and I have been in the same boat for a few years now too. This year, I bought a ridiculous number of tomato plants and dug into the soil for mothers day. I decided that the idea of nurturing these big juicy tomato plants made today seem like a celebration of what is to come. And I would think about your future affirming statements. So thank you for that lil mantra of "its when, not if...."

May 11, 2008 at 7:59:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bella is new on DVD. I think you would find another movie that you would enjoy as well!

May 11, 2008 at 8:06:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mary said...

I'm so glad you have boho boy.
Having gone through these struggles as well.. and come out on the other side... I know how very important it is to have a strong, ever patient, constant, kind, centering companion who is always there with the gentle reality check and endless hugs, love and affirmations.
Please email me with your email, i have more to say, but would like to do so privatly.
happy mothers day to you. i know it will happen.
love and hugs...

May 11, 2008 at 8:21:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Eileen W. said...

You have been in my thoughts lately, and continue to be so... Mother's day is a tough one for me as well. Wanting to be a mother and that my mother died 9 years ago around this time makes me a bit raw on this day. To combat that I made fairy splenda cupcakes- it was fun and I baked with my sweetie, so it took some of the sting away.
(((hugs))) and love to you and your Boho boy.

May 12, 2008 at 6:52:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I found you when I was looking for gifts for my dearest girlfriends for christmas, I sent them two of your photographs. It was at the same time that I was starting to realize that my journey to mommyhood wasn't working, something was wrong. I've drawn comfort, self-awareness, and inspiriation from you. Thank you...

May 12, 2008 at 4:57:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dream Team Member reporting... sending lots of positive, glowing, bouncy, colorful & yummy vibes your way.... enjoy your time off with your friends. How fun!! :)

xoxo Glo

PS - Tx for the reference in a previous post...very cool. U made me smile :)

May 12, 2008 at 8:21:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Darlene said...

snuggles for my sister...and have fun with your friends, I look forward for your return :D

love a bunch of baby,
xoxo Dar

May 12, 2008 at 11:34:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mindy said...

pj's always make life seem more managable...wishing you peace and happiness.


May 13, 2008 at 4:23:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

with you ...
jen gray

May 13, 2008 at 9:37:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Jacki said...

Hope you are enjoying the time away. Your words are inspiring as always...

Can't wait until you return with more bliss!

May 16, 2008 at 4:30:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Cami said...

What a lovely post. And may I share this observation I had recently: a remarkable number of my good friends are pregnant at this exact moment. Many of them on a long road to this new life inside of them. Many, many well into their careers. Others without the comfort of a partner to make the journey with, uncertain and unstable. We all have our own road. May yours be lined with wild flowers and silvery stars and much, much love.

May 16, 2008 at 11:34:00 AM PDT  

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