Thursday, April 6

Update: Poppies of Hope

beautiful poppies, kodak ls753

the sweet, inspiring La Vie En Rose gave me strength just now to speak my truth by her comment she left on last nights post just now.

i feel encouraged to come here to this space again this morning...to be brave and ask for comfort from my sisterhood.

after i wrote my post last night, i went to bed and suddenly felt gripped with fear. my heart started racing and tears streamed down my face. i tried to take it all in with slow, deep breaths, to calm myself.

i couldn't sleep well...and when i did, i had dreams filled with fear and frustration of all sorts.

i was in such a peaceful headspace last night writing my post. interesting how quickly you can move through a peaceful headspace to a scary one.

so today i am walking around aimlessly, cleaning my loft, trying to focus with my heart racing and feeling full of anxiety.

i am preparing to clear my space for my affirmations. but i am coming here first to seek some comfort from you. any words of wisdom, or just simply love and encouragement. i am reaching out my hand for my sisters to lift me up and to hand me poppies of hope.

i need a quiet day of no talking and just meditating but i will come back to this solstice soon.

and i am still wearing Amy's red shoes. they worked for Dorothy in Oz, they'll work for me, right?


Blogger Letha Sandison said...

Sweet girl!!

Like I said in my email, you are CK are pure magic! I know you will make it through this challenging and heart wrenching time stronger and with a little one in your arms!

I have said my affirmations on your behalf this morning, and am holding them close to my heart. I m going to work on something for you today too...hopefully it will be ready for mailing by Sat.

I love you and am here if you need


Say the word and I will book a flight!!

April 6, 2006 at 11:56:00 AM PDT  
Blogger nina beana said...




April 6, 2006 at 12:27:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Kristine said...

I don't know what to say
except for:


Your blessing will come.

Thinking of you today and sending hope your way.

April 6, 2006 at 1:01:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

we have to break down in order to build back up again right? I am sending many, many loving thoughts your way today. I'm glad my shoes are there to give your little feet hugs.

April 6, 2006 at 3:04:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Laini Taylor said...

Denise, I'm glad you finally have a good doctor to guide you through the intricacies of this -- I am not a praying type, but in my own secular way I am saying blessings for you, and making big wishes for you, and for all of us who may face the same in years to come. And red shoes ARE magical. I'm sure of it!

April 6, 2006 at 3:38:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Sky said...

I want to ask you to think about wrapping your child in the ambiance of what exists in your life at this moment - for that is actually what you would be doing if you conceive. With that in mind CREATE the environment in your heart, body, spirit, and home which would nurture your child. BE that, LIVE that, GIVE that to yourselves and your child. Think about nurturing: you, your husband, your life, and your child. When the energy is open and nurturing, life can take hold and thrive! Your baby needs peace and love and serenity, and I am sure you can give that - you need it, too. This is such a special time.

Let me tell you a funny story about a friend of mine who was at one time my dentist. She and her hubby had trouble conceiving. Finally they decided to adopt. When their adopted baby was 2 months old she found out she was pregnant - WITH TWINS! LOL - when I met her she had three 3 year olds! It was all about relaxing, being happy, serene, and feeling fulfilled. As soon as she let go of the anxiety and stopped trying to MAKE it happen, life was born of the magical, serene, and soft moments she began to live.

April 6, 2006 at 3:39:00 PM PDT  
Blogger gkgirl said...

sending you love and hope and luck
and best wishes

with all my heart...


April 6, 2006 at 5:13:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sending you lotsa love!

April 6, 2006 at 5:51:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope the day gives you even just one (but preferably more), long moment of calm, quiet peace.

You are ok, even in this state of despair, frustration and confusion. You are ok.

April 6, 2006 at 7:48:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honey love,
I'm reading this late...It's 8:30 p.m.
I spent my day with you heavy on my heart...and now I've read this.

I spent my day loving you so very deeply from a far...and now I know you have been through a struggle.

I spent my day whispering prayers here and there for you and Carsten...and now...and now your rough day is over.

We never disconnect from one another...ever...I don't know why I feel amazed, but I do.

I too would jump on the next plane if you need me there. In the meantime...click your heals and say: "There's no place like truly living in the moment."

Sometimes it's the painful moments that remind us we are alive and have a real purpose for being here.

One of yours is to be a mommy.

Tender lovins...B/sis

April 6, 2006 at 8:44:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Julie said...

I'm coming into the conversation late...I came here because of a comment you left on my blog. I love your writing style and your honesty. I have 3 dear friends who tried to get pregnant for year! One is celebrating her son's 2nd birthday in May (they tried for over 3 years!), one is celebrating her daughter's birthday 1st birthday in July (they tried for 6 years!) and the other has a 6 month old boy! We also just went to a baby shower for a couple who did in vitro 3 times and now they are finally pregnant! Miracles happen every day. My friends' journeys were hard...but they were just waiting for the right babies to be ready...I will think of you...

April 6, 2006 at 9:16:00 PM PDT  
Blogger liz elayne lamoreux said...

oh how i love that you have come here for support. to this tribe that you are instrumental in bringing together with your kind, wise words. we will lift you up my dear. with our energy and our love and our truth. with the wild goddesses that live in all of us. we lift you up my beautiful amazing friend.

April 7, 2006 at 12:06:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...


I worked on this long email to you yesterday and my husband closed it out by accident. I will recompose it later today.

Much love to you my darling....hugs and kisses!

April 7, 2006 at 6:42:00 AM PDT  
Blogger M said...

Sending you big hugs and warm tea. I'm so glad you have found someone to help you who makes you feel so comfortable, that's abig step in the right direction. And you are so lucky to have such a loving, understanding husband- big hugs to him too!
When you are having a hard time being positive or doing your affirmations, you know we'll be here to do it for you, ok?!!

April 7, 2006 at 9:17:00 AM PDT  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

i send you an elegant glass bottle to capture your tears because they are precious and priceless

i send you a warm blanket of love to wrap around your fears

i send you a river of peace to calm your anxiety

i send you a huge tub of glittery, healing balm for all your weary places

i send you strength and wisdom and rest

i lift you up
i hold you in my heart

April 7, 2006 at 9:18:00 AM PDT  
Blogger turquoise cro said...

BIG BEAR HUGS!!!(they squeeze out smiles!) all week-end long to each other and to yourself!!!I will be praying and praying and praying and lighting a candle for you two!!!xoxooxo, Cinda Isn't this a wonderful group of women supporting you??!! ((((((Denise&Carlsten)))))

April 7, 2006 at 10:03:00 AM PDT  
Blogger turquoise cro said...

(((((( Denise&Carsten))))))) I finally got it right!!!Phew!

April 7, 2006 at 10:05:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hang in there. It's the hardest thing to do; just waiting and riding it out and knowing when to act and when to be still. Follow your instincts. And know that people across the world read these pages and wish only the best for you.

April 7, 2006 at 11:25:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Misty Mawn said...

So sorry to hear you are going through this! You are in my thoughts!


take care of yourself!

I feel very greateful that my work calms you...thank you!

April 7, 2006 at 11:26:00 AM PDT  

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