Poetry Thursday

red bike, Victoria B.C., canon digital rebel xt

i want to leap onto this bike and
ride with the wind blowing through my curls,
to pedal out the pain, the anger, the doubt
and find a land where the grass is a vivid green,
the flowers are brilliant and fragrant,
the trees are pregnant with fruit
and where the ground is fertile,
so that when i step foot onto its soil,
the abundant layers will grow within my body
and wrap around my veins,
breathing life into my womb
until i am fertile too.

Yes...I am having a tough day. Emotions are raw. I just get so confused sometimes in the midst of trying to make sense of it all. Why is it that I am the one person in my large (very fertile) family that struggles with fertility. I waited years to find my true soul mate and to start a family. I wanted to wait to be a mother until after I had lived some adventures and sowed my wild oats. I wanted to be in the right headspace so that I could unselfishly give my child wings so that they could fly higher than even I did through life. And now this. I am being forced to wait yet again.

I have to find the blessings in the waiting. Waiting seems more difficult nowadays when fast food is shoved down our throats and emails are on our screens within seconds. Everything appears so rushed and patience wears thin among us all. We have forgotten how to wait. I feel this influence in our journey to conceive. I must remember that there are lessons in the waiting. Lessons that might not seem clear to me now but when our gift finally decides to arrive, I will look in our baby's eyes and nod my head in understanding.

A friend of mine always says "The journey is the destination". It is during the journey, not the destination where lessons birth themselves. During the waiting...the anticipation can be romantic, if we let it be. If we slow down, stop comparing our paths to other's and embrace the small, beautiful present moments.

Yes...there are lessons in the waiting but until this wisdom really sinks in, I am going to leap onto that red bike and go for a ride because my heart hurts and some fresh air will do me good.

tag~lusciousness

Canadian graffiti, canon digital rebel xt

I've been tagged by Wendy to list five things that you don't know about me. I am finding this challenging because my one year anniversary of blogging is just around the corner and I feel I have spilled so much of my soul here in the last 11.5 months. I suppose I do pride myself on being mysterious sometimes, so perhaps I can pull out a few unknowns. Let's see...

1. I like fruity with my meaty.

2. I was a youth minister in my early twenties at a cool, hip non-denominational church in the bay area (northern california). During this time my church supported me to go to Romania with YWAM to work in orphanages for the summer. This was my first time in another country. I went all by myself and met up with 10 strangers from all over the states at the training base in Texas to learn the language and culture of Romania. On the way to and from Romania, we all stopped and spent a few days in Vienna, Austria and in Budapest, Hungary. This gave me a teaser taste of how wonderful it is to travel and experience other cultures by actually living in their world.

3. Which leads me to the third unknown. In my heart, I am a gypsy. My close friends and family know this about me. I resonated so closely with the character Vianne in the film Chocolat. It is actually physically difficult for me to stay in one place for more than two years. I get restless. I made many choices throughout my life to move every few years to a place where I didn't know a soul and it forced me to be brave and have an open mind. It has become an integral part of the way I learn more of who I am, grow, build my character, independence and strength. There is so much to see, touch, feel, hear and submerge myself in. It is difficult for me to sit back and watch others do this when I am capable to do this as well. Thank goodness I am married to a man that is well traveled and enjoys it just as much as I do. Some might think that leaving every few years could mean I have issues with commitment. I think it is simply because I have a sense of adventure and a huge imagination I want to give life to.

4. I once studied deaf education and sign language. I wanted to be a speech therapist to help deaf children learn how to speak. Then I had a boyfriend who was deaf and my eyes were opened to the struggle deaf people have with claiming that sign language should and needs to be their first language in order to communicate effectively and that as children, speech should be secondary. I felt confused about my role as a speech therapist because at that time sign language was not as highly respected as it is now, so I decided to explore other avenues. Now that the speech pathology industry recognizes the benefits to signing, I might revisit it in the future because it is still a passion of mine. I find myself signing words in my head all the time and sometimes my husband catches me signing in my lap.

5. A dear friend of mine surprised me on my 21st birthday with a trip to Napa for some wine tasting. She dared me to stand up on a wooden stage in front of all these people that were sitting around on blankets in the grass and recite a Shakespeare sonnet. I actually did it..and got quite passionate towards the end (very Anne of Green Gables~esque). The onlookers clapped. I blushed and bowed. This memory is still seared in my brain as the beginning of a lot of brave choices in my life.

Hmmm...this was quite fun.

Five lovelies I am tagging:

Superhero

Susannah

Jen Lemen

Misty Mawn

My Topography

self portrait challenge ~ glam

boho tomboy, canon digital rebel xt

Canadian tomboy glam, that is! Find other glam gals & boys here.

So, we returned home a day later than expected from Victoria, British Columbia, Canada due to a surprising snow storm. It was unexpected by all...even the weather darlings on the news. It typically snows in Victoria around late January and February and when it does snow, it is very light and rarely stays too long on the ground.

To everyone's surprise and my giddy excitement, snow began to lightly tickle our noses on Saturday, although it was not sticking on the ground. Then we woke up Sunday morning to a thick white blanket all across downtown and thick snowflakes blowing around in an almost blizzardly way.

We stayed up in this third floor loft style hotel room where we had 4 large windows that looked over downtown. It was a morning treat to sit up on the window sill and watch the world below. This particular morning it was quiet. The locals were not used to this much snowfall so quickly, so they stayed bundled up in their homes near the fireplace. In fact, the town only has one snow plow, so the streets were covered in slippery ice puffs.

Carsten growing up in Canada in the parts where it snows constant for months, was used to such things. Me, on the other hand, growing up near San Francisco, had to drive hours to play in the snow and even then, it was still sunny and warm compared to this. I felt like a little girl squealing and throwing my head back to taste it.

Our time together was dreamy. We spent many hours walking arm in arm around downtown, which is one of the most beautiful I have ever seen. We went to pubs, the museum and tested a few organic restaurants. We were happy that this little city catered to our healthy eating habits and diets with wheat and gluten free deli's, grocery stores and restaurants! They even had brown rice pizza crust at a cool pizza joint. You should have seen my face when we read painted on their window "gluten free pizzas!". Hello drool.

There was a day when we traveled 30 minutes into the mountains covered with tall trees and sparkling lakes. Victoria is now my favorite place on earth. It is a darling, funky city rich in culture and less than 30 minutes away from the splendor of nature. Not to mention that Canadians have proven to be the kindest, most considerate people...even the teenagers!

Here are a few photographs from our time together:

{click images for larger view}


boho eating snow, canon digital rebel xt


bastion square, canon digital rebel xt


market square, canon digital rebel xt


the empress hotel, canon digital rebel xt


boho boy, canon digital rebel xt


downtown victoria, canon digital rebel xt


the empress hotel with snow, canon digital rebel xt


our hotel, canon digital rebel xt


boho boy reading on our window sill,
canon digital rebel xt


boho boy walking in alley, canon digital rebel xt


the boho's, canon digital rebel xt

more soon...

Woo~hoo!

the true blue boho, photo by Susannah

I am off to British Columbia with my hunk of a man to get our groove on in nature and city. I wish all of you a Thanksgiving holiday filled with yumminess for your tummy and your heart.

Those of you who would like to purchase a gemmie from my online boutique, it will not be shipped out until I return on Monday.

Again...thank you all for your words of support since I've opened. I've been on such a high.

I'll be sure to capture some moments in B.C. with my lens. Although I will miss my darling paparazzi (aka the seattle sweeties) clicking all around me.

We're outta here folks...woo hoo!!!!

self portrait challenge ~ glam

"mirror, mirror..." self portrait, canon digital rebel xt

After taking this portrait, my husband came home from work and said..."you're wearing make-up?". As I said in lasts weeks SPC post...I am not that talented at applying powdery things to my face but I am attempting to play at it and having a bit of fun.

I must admit that "fun" is a word I am embracing right now in my life. I was always that girl that searched for the fun, the party, the laughs, the light hearted~ness of life but something shifted in the past few years. There has been a lot of sadness, heaviness, fear, longing and depression walking along side us on our (in)fertility journey. Although lately the heaviness has lifted. Within ourselves. Within our relationship. Within our creativity.

While I was away in Seattle, it gave my husband and I some time to reflect. Since I've been home, we've done some truth speaking and together had this epiphany. We need to have more fun. Fun like we used to. Fun that has always felt so natural for us. It was time to re~awaken our spontaneous beings!

We've just been exhausted of being told what we should and should not eat. When we should and shouldn't make love. What we should and should not drink. It began to feel a bit mechanical, just sort of going through the motions. Willing to do whatever it took to make our baby. But what it has done is taken a sense of freedom away from us. Freedom, Spontaneity and the Sexy of life.

So, while we're still following the diets our doctor suggests, we are not going to allow it to control our sense of fun. Perhaps all it took was just recognizing that this was happening. I've noticed we now laugh so much harder. We've been light and goofy and playful and sexy and alive.

In a few days we are flying to Vancouver, B.C. to our honeymoon spot so that we can reconnect with that time in our lives. I cannot wait to walk nestled into one another with our arms close around our waists while the rain falls on us. I cannot wait to share a bottle of red wine by a fire place and spill stories that we have yet to share with one another. I cannot wait to laugh so hard until I cry and then pull him close in a passionate kiss, tumbling to the ground.

So what does this have to do with glam? Well...I feel sexy again. I really do. And to me...feeling sexy is glam whether you're dressed up or not dressed at all.

Find other glam guys & gals here.

Boho Zen ~ Om Girly

beautiful jen in her Boho Zen {Om} necklace,
self portrait

Here is a picture of a dear sweet friend of mine looking quite yummy in my Boho Zen {Om} necklace! She was one of my very first customers following the launch of my website last week. It was like a warm hug from her across the miles. I felt such a sense of wonder and amazement when she sent me this picture today. It was just a few days ago when I was knitting it together with my hands and interlacing warm, positive thoughts for her. She told me today that it arrived in the mail when she needed it most. Reading this, I swelled with joy (and a few happy tears) that yes...this vision of mine about sending loving energy to my customers has come to fruition. I feel so very full...my cup runneth over.

I also want to thank the rest of you who have ventured into my boutique and pampered yourself or your loved ones with my creations. Your support has me swooning. I would love to see pictures of you with my jewels on. It is so fun and keeps me going!

Special note: Boho Zen {Om} was a favorite and I have only one pendant left. More pendants have been ordered from Tibet and will arrive in a few weeks. So, if you plan to order one soon, know that it will take a bit longer than normal to get to you. I did not anticipate this many orders, my apologies!

Sunday Scribblings ~ Hero

me putting an orchid lei on my Va Va during
our wedding ceremony, photo by Robin
Nations

When I first heard of this weeks Sunday Scribblings prompt being "Hero", my mind went directly to my Va Va (grandmother in Portuguese).

As I sit here late at night in my dark studio with candles lit and hot tea by my side, I wonder if she would ever have an idea that she is indeed a heroine to me. By writing this I am reminding myself to tell her so when I see her next at Christmas. That is if I can get through it without crying...which would probably make her feel very awkward being that she isn't all that openly emotional.

You see...Va Va (her real name is Hilda) is one of the strongest women I have ever met. She's held our large Portuguese family (on my father's side) together with her bare hands and her big heart. She is our matriarch. None of us would exist if it wasn't for her. That must be completely overwhelming for her at times when she is in a house full of her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and great great grandchildren.

Some women, when their body becomes old, so does their mind and their soul. Not my Va Va. Her wisdom has carried her through the years so that to this day, in her late eighties, she can still resonate with a young child, a teenager and so on. When giving me advice, I have always felt that she never forgot what it was to be in my shoes. Her mind remains open to ideas that are ever flowing today even though they are far different than what she grew up with.

Whenever I am in her presence, I feel a sense of solidity. She's so grounded in who she is. She loves herself. She's always been so beautiful but never got caught up in vanity. She just has this confidence that emulates and is contagious because when I am with her, I believe in myself a little bit more than I usually do.

A few years back, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She could have had the lump taken out but she opted to have her whole breast removed without a second emotional thought. When I asked her about it, she said with a smile on her face and laughter in her tone...

"I told my doctor to take the whole breast off! I don't need it. If I want to see two breasts, I'll just look at my left one twice!!"

I will never forget her telling me this. It struck me so deep. I laughed out loud with her and was so taken aback by her perspective. It taught me priorities and how important it is to stay positive despite the circumstances. Va Va never let her cancer define her or brake her. She's a fighter and embraces her personal power. She never wanted to talk about her cancer because she didn't want to give it energy. She told me this in so many words without using the word "energy" but I knew what she meant. She also refused to let any of us feel sorry for her which wasn't easy because we are all nurturer's. I know she had her moments where she must have been frightened but she somehow loosened that grip fear had on her. I'd like to think it is this attitude that has kept the cancer from returning to her body because her positive way of living/thinking/feeling doesn't leave room for it.

What I always get from her is that she just wants to live fully and watch the many of us that came from her to live our lives just as fully.

So with all this said, during those times when I begin to feel a bit sorry for myself about my (in)fertility journey, I tap into the spirit of my Va Va and am reminded of her strength, self worth and her ability to fight like a true heroine. I now know that I too can get through this challenging journey without allowing it to define who I am. Her own journey reminds me that I am so many other things than a woman struggling with her (in)fertility.

Thank you for this gift, Va Va...thank you for empowering me.

Poetry Thursday ~ I will shelter you

boho girl & boy, canon digital rebel xt

This picture was taken minutes before us leaving for a Ray LaMontagne concert this past weekend. We've been so consumed lately with opening up my business and him being a web designer extraordinaire, that we haven't made time to go out on many dates. So, while I was spending time with my Seattle Sweeties last week, he surprised me with scoring two tickets to one of our favorite musical artists at a beautiful opera house nestled in the middle of downtown.

It is difficult to put into words how it felt to see him play live and so close. This man is one of the most passionate musicians I have ever seen. He's very quiet, humble and shy. In between sets, he would mumble into the microphone how grateful he is to be here while he nervously ran his fingers through his hair. My empathic self picked up on the fact that it was almost painful for him to be up on stage unless he was playing. Those in between quiet moments felt so awkward for him. When people would shout out..."we love you Ray"...or..."you're gorgeous Ray", he replied quietly..."it isn't true". The fact that he truly has no clue how absolutely amazing he is and that all he wanted to do was play music made him even more endearing to me...to us.

Before he would begin each song, he would stand there quietly for about half a minute to gather his passion, to breathe deep, to bring his head and heart back into the space it needed. Then all of a sudden as he began to strum his guitar and turn around to welcome the other musicians on stage to join in, he would transform into this confident, soulful, passionate, fearless, brave man on a mission to change lives. The music resounded and we could feel his soul with each note.

It was a beautiful thing to witness and brought both my husband and I nearly to tears a few times. At one point, I looked over at my husband and his eyes were closed and his head was swaying to the music, his feet tapping to the drum. It made me fall even more in love with him, if that is possible. I love his passion for music and I appreciate that we share it together.

I love how music has the power to bring such harmony between people when words are not enough.

So, for Poetry Thursday, I am sharing with you one of my most favorite Ray LaMontagne songs:

Shelter

I guess you don't need it
I guess you don't want me to repeat it
But everything I have to give I'll give to you
It's not like we planned it
You tried to stay, but you could not stand it
To see me shut down slow
as though it was an easy thing to do
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
And I will shelter you
I will shelter you
I left you heartbroken, but not until those very words were spoken
Has anybody ever made such a fool out of you
It's hard to believe it
Even as my eyes do see it
The very things that make you live are killing you
Listen when
all of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
I will shelter you
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
Hey you will shelter me my love
I will shelter you
If you shelter me too
I will shelter you
I will shelter you

Self Portrait Challenge ~ Glam

self portrait, canon digital rebel xt

I post this picture with a smirk on my face. I don't think I have ever been considered the "glam" type. Although, I certainly admire glam and have had many girly friends in my life that are gorgeous glam gals. Sometimes I'd like to think I'm glam but then I try to apply the make-up and end up washing it off after a futile attempt. I love style. I love expressing myself with my clothing, my accessories and my hair but make-up is not one of my talents. My sisters are seriously fabulous at applying make-up and they've taught their daughters (my kindreds) well. To each of them it is an art and watching them makes me drool because somehow they make it look easy and natural. My niece Angela, when she was last here for the weekend, tried to teach me. She would do one of my eyes and then I would follow her instructions on my other eye. It was hilarious how mine looked so crappy and hers so perfect. She was patient, indeed. I have recently tried playing with it more but it just feels so awkward as though I am working with two left hands.

A month before my wedding I was told I needed to wear a lot more make-up for my pictures to turn out well. So, I booked a test run appointment with a make-up artist to work her magic. I remember looking in the mirror when all was said and done and bursting into tears. I was upset because it was so important to me that I felt like "me" on my wedding day and I just didn't see myself through all the paint. I washed it all off as soon as I arrived home and I literally felt a huge weight lifted off of my entire body...not just my face. I remember calling my girlfriends crying telling them I didn't want to have to wear a lot of make-up on my wedding day. Each of them laughed reassuring me that I did not have to. It's those damn bridal magazines filling women's heads with nonsense! My husband tells me he prefers my face naked rather than painted...which is one of many reasons he is so right for me.

So, I am curious...do you think that one could be glam if they dress chic but are elle naturelle?

Can Boho's be glam?

I know...such deep thoughts at midnight.

Bohemian Girl Designs ~ Now Open!

Boho Zen {Prosperity}, Canon Digital Rebel XT

The time is finally here my friends...

Bohemian Girl Designs

Those of you shopping for Christmas gifts, please place your orders by December 17th to ensure delivery by the 25th.

Thank you for all of your endless support this past year.

Enjoy!

special note: if you have uploaded my old website recently, you may need to press the Ctrl button on your keyboard and refresh your page to view the new look!

sleepless in seattle

Sleepless in Seattle. Seriously...I think we all had no more than 4 hours sleep per night. There was too much excitement. Not to mention body clocks a wee bit off due to different time zones. I remember a night when I tip toed from bed to bed. Climbing up to the bunk bed above Susannah and then crawling into the middle of a three way spoon with Letha and Thea...then back to my bunk and so on. My heart and mind were racing. So many times I stared up at the ceiling in disbelief that we were all together in body. I had written, phoned, emailed these women for almost a year and here they all were in the flesh under one roof. It took some time for all of us to get used to one another in motion, in 3D, well...that would be 4D really since I could touch them, wouldn't it? It was like one huge blind internet date. The seven of us all standing in Letha's living room giggling and tripping out over our first live moments together. I recall grabbing a couple of their faces and saying "You're Real!".

This past year has been one of the most beautiful as well as one of the most difficult years of my life. These women have gathered around me in spirit for so long...and now they were sandwiching me in between all of their bosoms in a group hug. It was so surreal.

So folks...the connections you are making via this blog world are indeed real. Sometimes that is hard to believe...or it feels too good to be true but in my experience, these wonderful souls I have been drawn to in blogosphere are even more amazing in person. I believe we are all drawn to one another cosmically because being together felt as though I had been with them lifetimes before.

Words are hard to find when thinking about what I just experienced. So, I decided to post pictures instead. I think you'll feel the magic and see their beauty through the pixels...


thea & her mate, canon digital rebel xt


letha in her gorgeous home, canon digital rebel xt



lovely susannah, canon digital rebel xt



michelle absorbing , canon digital rebel xt



glowing meg, canon digital rebel xt



lizzie, canon digital rebel xt



thea, me & susannah, canon digital rebel xt



me & susannah, canon digital rebel xt



thea & meg dancing, canon digital rebel xt



meg, michelle & liz dining, canon digital rebel xt



letha & me, friends since 5th grade, canon digital rebel xt



monkey girls: me & susannah, canon digital rebel xt



meg & letha snuggling, canon digital rebel xt



me & thea snuggling, canon digital rebel xt

seattle sweeties

my girls walking the streets of Seattle,
canon digital rebel xt

It's quiet this morning. It is dark. The flicker of candlelight dances on my screen. I sip my raspberry leaf tea but it is not Susannah's redbush earl grey. Where is the scent of Letha's incense? It feels quiet here. I am alone in my studio again. I imagine one of you will come up from behind and wrap your arms around me, laying your head on my shoulder...pulling me towards the kitchen to break some morning bread together. Where is your laughter? Your morning giggles into your hot drinks steaming up into your tired eyes? I feel Thea's forehead on mine..."good morning beautiful". I feel Letha's kiss on my cheek handing me a thick, large mug. I hear Michelle's soft southern lilt soothing me. I feel Susannah's shoulder rub against mine as I lean into her. I see Meg peeking around the corner. I hear Liz's musical chant drawing us from our separate dreamlands into one another. Where are you all at this moment? Are you surrounded by our pockets of memories, some so deep, some light, some floating in between, pulling us together into a warm group hug? I cannot even count the number of group hugs where my head rested in between all of your bosoms. I felt enveloped. Safe in the cocoon of all of you. Where are you now? I wish you all to come through my front door, running up the steps to my studio, gently grabbing me and all of us tumbling to the floor in hugs, limbs intertwined, giggles and tears. I sit here alone trying to digest all that transpired between us. It is overwhelming to feel so fully accepted. Liz sharing your yoga practice. Us laying on our mats shoulder to shoulder. Your voice chanting, the bell chiming. Teaching us to open our heart chakra. Guiding us into the unknown of sharing the remainder of our stay. But you still all allowed me to be guarded. Me sitting quietly on the couch trying to put my tears into words, while Meg, you sit below me on the ground draping your arms around me with your head on my lap. I felt safe with you. Your beautiful blue doe eyes searching mine up above. They always heard me. Our unspoken glances. That burning in our bellies. You and I are empathic soul sisters. Your joy kept us all in balance. Michelle your soft quiet spirit speaks volumes. I feel centered just sitting near you. Your eyes locking onto mine provide me with a peace. I hear you. I witness the transformation and am dancing along with her. That woman that came through. She made our hearts beat faster and I wanted to shout and sing. She will always ground us. Letha opening your home and creating such a safe and warm place for us all to spill freely and wildly. You were in it with us. Forgetting the mess in the kitchen and nurturing the mess in our hearts. Our hearts were a priority over your home. We saw this. Our childhood friendship strengthened. You pulled us in deeper, allowing us to see and love more of you. All of you...pulled us in deeper. I saw that hurt child in you break through and allow herself to be fully loved and adored by all of us. She's extraordinary. Thea holding my hand as we walk down the stairs and plop on the bed. Holding me close as I spill some anxiety and fear. Your words helping me dive down deep to find my strength and feel centered. You helped me peel. You peeled. You helped all of us peel and find our strength. You have a gift to help us sort out confusion and fall into a harmonious place. You helped all of us find our inner beauty because yours is so solid. So yummy and warm. Susannah wrapping your limbs around me when I broke. Holding me until my body softened as I released. I held it in the whole time. Strong Denise not thinking about her infertility. But then it poured out and you held me all together, rocking me with your limbs tight around me until I felt safe again. Nuzzling your nose into my neck and rocking me. You a blanket of peace. Your soft, strong, calm, beautiful self. Even in your grief your heart is so deep to love me, to love us. Letha listening and stroking my legs. My tears flowing from her eyes. A girlfriend sandwich. These are just a few memories that are surrounding me. The rest will follow but these are enveloping me at this present moment as I sit here. My heart beats faster. I am stripped naked in spirit and feel stronger. The deeper me. The more wild me. The softer me. The balanced me. The creative me. You helped me pull her out and now she is singing and dancing to Madonna...