love you fairy godmother...

our hotel room transformed to a Boho Zen Bungalow

Created for Cedar's beautiful Fairy Godmother Jen, in response to the video she did for him on his day of birth (See her magical video here).

I am still figuring out our new Flip camera...so to help with clarity during the blurry bits, the rock I pick up has the word "Gratitude" on it and the last red leaf says "You Teach Me Love". ; )

Credits:
Song by Sigur Ros
Cards hanging by Swirly, Jen Lemen, Nina Beana & me
"Be Here Now" pottery by Swirly
Rocks painted by McCabe (affirmations on them by my tribe)
Gratitude rock created by Thea
Prayer flags by Eastern Sun Printworks
Cedar's outfit by Babysoy

first Cedar video*

Here is a video we did for Cedar's Omi (grandmother in German)...wanted to share it so you could see him live!

Please ignore the huge bags and dark circles under my eyes. ; )

Feeding time:

full of gratefulness*

Boho boy, K and T during labor, canon 50D


boho boy and K during contractions, canon 50D

Boho Boy and I are full of gratefulness for so many gifts in our life (family, friends, blessings...) but what comes from the tip of our hearts down to the deepest parts these days is how very grateful we are to K and T for the precious precious gift they have so unselfishly given to us and to Tammy, our adoption consultant and dear friend, for bringing us all together. Tammy had a feeling deep in her heart, even though she knew we were not quite ready and feeling tender from the previous fall through. Thank you, Tammy...for following your heart and helping to guide us towards our son, Cedar.

The relationship between K, T, Boho boy and I has been a rare and beautiful one. So much laughter and special memories has been had during our times spent together. So many hilarious and fun and endearing stories to share with our son about his birth parents. Not only how much they loved him and sacrificed their love to give him a life they wanted for him but also how much they loved and respected us as his adoptive parents and their friends.

I wasn't sure how the days in the hospital would unfold. I wasn't sure how I would feel during the birth. If I would feel threatened or saddened that I couldn't experience this part of it. If I would feel helpless and clueless on how to support K. How Boho Boy would respond and support (or faint or not).

All those fears fell away as we were all directed to the birth room. A spacious and beautiful birthing room with hardwood floors and wooden sliding doors. Large windows showed a view of trees and hills. All of us giddy with anticipation. Boho Boy and T cracking jokes to keep K and me at ease. K rubbing and drawing strength from the beautiful "Brave" pendant that one of my best friend's Stacy made for her (she made K and I matching ones).

Then when the contractions came on hard and she dilated from 5 to 8 in just a few minutes, the room fell serious and focused. The nurses had been trying to find a vein but couldn't, so she was unable to get an epidural. The warm towels wrapped around her arms were there to help bring her veins to the surface, but it didn't work in time. Not what she had planned since she has been laboring for weeks and needed relief when the contractions came on strong. Suddenly, as we all became aware that she would not receive relief, I felt a rush of adrenaline, as did Boho Boy. We knew it would be intense and every muscle in our body prepared to hold K through it. Then we saw something take K over like a huge tidal wave as she arched her body and screamed that she needed to push. Nurses and her doctor rushed in and said this "was it" and that she could push. Boho boy and I wrapped our arms around K's back, held her hands and pushed and breathed along with her. Believe it or not, Cedar's head was fully out in 9 minutes. His shoulders wedged him in there and all we saw was a purple face but we focused on getting K through the intense pain. He was stuck. I felt this Momma Bear inside of me and the voice that came out of my throat was not mine. "Yes you can do this K, you can, you are brave, you're doing so amazing...we're here with you...come on..." and two more pushes and with help from the doctor maneuvering his shoulders, he was out. K fell back in one smushy lump of exhaustion with a big sigh. Boho Boy cut then cord and then we stood there staring at one another while I stroked K's hair, half laughing, half crying while they whisked a quiet Cedar away. He had spit out a bunch of meconium on his way out and they were concerned about his lungs being full, as well as his purple face. K said to me..."you're a mommy...go to your son". I was torn whether to stay with K to comfort her or to go to him and she helped me with the answer.

Boho Boy and I surrounded the nurses in the next room hovering over our new son. My heart was racing faster than I thought possible. I was trying my ultimate best to not worry and to trust he was alright and safe in their arms and then I heard another cry and I heard giggles. A nurse turned to me..."are you the adoptive parents? do you want to see him? we need his father to cut his cord again...". Mmmmm..."his father...". Those words melted every worry away.

Then when they cleaned and wrapped him up and put him in my arms, my tears surfaced and I looked down at his face and felt as though I had found a long lost friend of mine. Then watching Boho boy hold him for the first time was overwhelmingly joyful. I wasn't sure how I would feel seeing Cedar for the first time. I know that with adoption, it can take time to bond and sometimes it doesn't. As soon as I held him, I was madly in love (and relieved).

We then took him into the birthing room and handed Cedar to T while K was getting cleaned up. These were special moments of laughing and cooing and taking photos of Cedar and T. I loved watching T gaze into Cedar's eyes...having their own little man to man conversation. It was tender and soft and I was thrilled to capture it with the lens.

I walked over to K and gave her a long hug. I told her she was my hero. She told me that we were her heroes. We placed him in her arms. She was glowing.

I felt proud and overwhelmed and grateful and happier than I had ever thought possible. I was surrounded by three people that loved this little being more than life itself. We were all in a love bubble of Cedar celebration.

The next few days we shared him back and forth in the hospital rooms next door to one another. We slept with him the first night, they had him the second night.

I was amazed at how hard it was to be away from him. I felt like a part of my soul had been taken from me. As painful as it was, it brought me comfort to know that I already loved him like a mother. That he already felt like mine. It also gave me comfort to know that K and T had this time to love on him, get to know him and share all of their reasons for giving him a life they dreamed for him.

24 hours later, when K and T's attorney came into our room to tell us that they had signed the rights over to us earlier than they had to (they had 48 hours) and congratulate us, we were breathless. When she left the room, Boho Boy crawled into the hospital bed with me and we cried together.

How can I say into words how thankful I am on this Thanksgiving day? I don't think there is a need. I think we all feel how precious and rare and beautiful and life altering this story is...and I cannot believe it is my story. Our story. Cedar's story...

We are full of gratefulness.

Today we are breaking bread with K and T in our humble little hotel room. It is unspoken how we all feel. As we try to stay light and fun, down deep inside we know that there are things we want to say but can't...but it is all understood and respected. As K aches down deep in her heart, I struggle with how joyful I feel and how much I care for her and don't want her to hurt. I am reminded that we too have given K and T a gift and so it all comes full circle. Nothing needs to be said. There just needs to be a lot of hugging one another, laughter, sharing food and gazing at the little schmook all night.

Happy Thanksgiving to all...and thank you for sharing this sacred journey with us.

balm*

me & my cherub, taken by boho boy last night


my sweet boho boys today, canon 50D

Boho Boy had gone to get us some food while I lay in our hotel bed and cuddle our sweet son. He told me on his drive back that he saw our hotel from a distance and thought to himself "my wife and son are in that hotel" and it hit him, tenderly but also so powerful and he cried (a man cry, he says... ; ).

This overwhelming feeling of awe and realization hits me every once in a while, when I gaze at our baby and my heart fills to bursting and I get a huge lump in my throat. For years now the tears that have spilled over my cheeks have been those of longing and sorrow for this sweet soul but now they come from a joy and harmony I have never known as I hold him close to me. How often Boho Boy and I have looked in one another's eyes over the past few days and smiled or teared up with a knowing that all the hurting and longing of this journey was so worth it. Our baby has found us in the most perfect way.

Today we went to our 3 day of life check up with the Pediatrician out here (we love him). As we were sitting in the waiting room surrounded by darling young ones, Boho Boy caught me smiling while observing them play with the wooden toys on the floor. Later he told me he thought to himself..."I have my wife back" and it almost brought him to tears right there in the waiting room. He remembered all the other times when being in a room full of beautiful children would have brought to surface all those sad and tender places for me. Now I sit there with my cooing babe in my arms and watch them with peace and relief in my heart.

We are healing and our sweet Cedar is the balm.

photos of our sweet Cedar*

(taken with camera phone)

(taken with camera phone)




Just arrived home from the hospital a few hours ago. Home meaning our hotel. We are in our little love bubble. Trying to sleep while Cedar is sleeping and eat and play when he is awake. So far we are in awe of how simple he is. He only squeaks when he is hungry and the other times he just looks around the room and marinates in us (as we gaze at him inches away from his face).

We are madly in love. Truly, madly, deeply.

In a few days we take him back to the pediatrician here for a check up regarding his bruised face from the birth canal, as well as making sure his jaundice is getting better. Will share more soon.

We are so grateful for all of your support, love, enthusiasm, tears, joy and for feeling it with us as we know you've all walked the very long path to our son right by our side. Warm hugs to each of you.

To Cedar from your Fairy Godmother, Jen...

by jen gray.

my tears have not stopped spilling. thank you...thank you my sweet fairy friend. our cups runneth over and over and over...

this so perfectly emulates what my heart feels inside for my magical son.

welcome to life, boho baby...

me and boho baby minutes after birth


the boho dudes a few hours after birth

Cedar Leonard Kroon
Born November 22nd, 2008
9:09PM PST
8 lbs 7 oz

He came just a few hours after we arrived. He waited for us. One hour after K's water broke, 9 minutes after she started pushing. Boho Boy and I cradling K on each side, arms around her back, hands holding hers. She was enveloped in our arms and we all breathed and pushed together in unison. She was a warrior through the non-medicated pain. He came just after a few intense pushes. My heart took off in flight when I heard his cry. He's beautiful...absolutely perfectly beautiful (with a purple/blue bruised face for coming out so fast...he will be pink in a few days).

We each have our own room here in this gorgeous brand new hospital. Rooms with a view. Sliding wood doors. Spacious. We hung white lights. The birth parents are next door so we can share the love. Cedar is with us in ours right now. Boho Boy is feeding him his third feeding since birth. It is 3:15AM and we cannot stop staring at him or one another. He's so calm and chill and beautiful. I miss him when I leave for a few minutes.

When I re-entered the room, Boho Boy said..."you are so beautiful" and when I watch him feed our child, I get goosebumps down my spine like a giddy crushed out school girl. We are falling more in love with each other and discovering a brand new kind of love for our son...together.

All in just a few hours. This is just the beginning...

gifts from his fairy godmother...

gifties from jen, canon 50D

He'll be our sweet little pea monkey.

And here she is...prrrr kitty!


jen gray...the fair godmother.

Yum.

I'm off to see Twilight. My one last hurrah before we leave tomorrow morning to be with the birth parents. She is being induced next week. The docs are still trying to set an exact date but it will for sure be either on Friday, the 28th or earlier. We're all thinking it will happen naturally before then. We're getting little signs here and there telling us so. We feel nervous being at home, far away from the chance to speed her to the hospital, whip out the video camera and get the show on the road! ; )

So, after I satisfy my obsession with sexy vampires today, I am off to finish packing, cleaning, singing, dancing and embracing the idea that I really will be a momma within days. Okay, I'm tearing up now.

Now how about Jen's wig?

linger...

jonatha brooke, canon 50D

I can't believe its been a week since I've written. Goodness...I know so many of you are on this journey with me and wondering when the heck I'll be posting the photo of our Boho Baby! I didn't mean to linger with details. I've been recouping from a cold that has taken a lot energy from me and has caused sleepless nights, which I know I'll have my fill of soon but oh how I need to soak in the Zzz's now in order to get better.

K had an appointment today and she is still 4cm but now 80% effaced. We are trying to get an inducement date scheduled but she may have an infection and if she does, they will not induce right away. We are now waiting for those results to come back. K and baby are fine, this is nothing serious but just a precaution.

This week I have felt very tender but have chosen to be quiet with my tenderness. My dear husband darkened the room for me tonight while lighting candles, making me tea and playing soft music. He always knows what I need. I wish I could be more articulate but my head is pounding and words are not coming as easily as I had hoped. How can I describe the billions of thoughts that flow through my mind in anticipation for all that is to come? Just know I am laughing one minute and crying the next and hoping that my loved ones have patience during this vulnerable time.

Jonatha was in town this past weekend and we put aside time for a spontaneous, inspired and intimate photo session. I wanted to share the first few photos I've worked on. She soothes my soul...

wait ~ updated

thea coughlin, canon digital rebel xti

For the plane ride home I grabbed the most recent issue of W magazine. There was a spread of intimate photos Brad Pitt captured of Angelina Jolie. I was enamored with the mood, the texture, the grain, the raw quality and quite impressed by his natural ability for portrait photography. The images totally inspired me to play with black and white tonight. I tend to be attracted to muted colors and vintage tones but rarely do I see images in my mind as monotone. This particular article shifted that. So, I took a very intimate image that I captured of one of my best friends in our hotel room during a visit earlier this year and converted it to black and white, while cropping it a bit. I feel pleased and I plan to play a bit more with this style.

It also felt meditative for me tonight to go to a place I haven't been for a few weeks. My whole entire being has been intertwined with this adoption, which has been such an other-wordly experience. I haven't thought much about photography, which is extremely odd for me. A piece of my whole self that breathes life into me has been a bit quieted in my soul. But on the plane, flipping through those photographs, I felt a tingling in my bones and a longing to lay on a bed with an artist and capture their most intimate pieces of self. Soon, soon...

It seems every piece of my life is about waiting right now. While hanging out for 10 days in the town where our birth parents live, we stayed in a hotel that was across the street from a few shops, a Trader Joes, Borders bookstore and a healthy restaurant. Each time we'd cross the street to one of those destinations, we heard a voice over the crosswalk speaker...a voice that prompts a blind person whether to stay or go. The voice says in a soothing female tone, over and over and over until the light turns green..."Wait.....wait......wait......wait....". One of those times, Boho Boy looked down at me with a smirk and said; "Isn't that the story of our life?"

Totally.

Update: Baby is not here yet. K has a doctors appointment tomorrow and she will call us with the latest results about how far she is dilated and effaced. We are all crossing our fingers and toes that she lasts until her inducement date (which is early next week). I've been home recuperating from a cold. I also had some dear friends in town this past weekend and will share more of that soon but until then, I needed to rest to make sure I am well for baby.

home*

Today we went with K & T to her weekly doctors appointment and she is still the same (dilated and effaced), no progress. The doctor feels she could very well last until full term and that the medicine she was on a few weeks ago to stop pre-term contractions, has done its job, even though she has been off of it for a few weeks now. K will be 37 weeks this Thursday.

We will be choosing a date to induce at 38.5 weeks.

So, this means Boho Boy and I will be heading back home to Southern California to wait. His vacation days are slipping away and he really wants to be able to spend some down time with the baby, all cuddled in our home, in our bed.

Now our hopes and prayers are that Boho Baby will stay in K's womb until her date of inducement so we won't miss the birth. There still is a good chance, if she goes into labor again earlier than that date, that we can make the birth after receiving the call, depending on when that call is.

Regardless, our little boy already gave us an amazing gift. He brought us out here so that we had a rare opportunity to spend quality time with his birth parents and get to know them and grow to love them. We already have an abundance of stories to share with our son. One of my favorites being last night...when all four of us walked in the woods in the dark, telling scary stories, trying to frighten one another. It was damp and cool and dark and eerie but so much fun!!

So, we leave tomorrow not having one regret about coming out here for a week. It was beautiful and invigorating and so very dear to our hearts.

We so appreciate every morsel of support. I know that you all know that all of this is out of our hands and for that, we must trust that the timing will be perfect (however comical it may be).

cocoon*

The rain is falling where we are. I love rain. I always have. I love the sound, the smell, the taste. Its been very soothing for us.

There has been a wee bit of progress but K's labor continues to stall. We have talked many times about going home and just waiting to get another call from her but we would be taking a huge risk of missing the birth and being there the first moments of his life is very important to us. Its important to all of us. So, we are taking it day by day and trusting that we are supposed to be here.

The time we have spent with K & T has been something I will always cherish. We have fun and beautiful stories to share with our son about the week leading up to his birth. The other night the four of us took a walk at a nearby park with tall trees and lovely trails. K and I were behind Boho Boy and T and we shared and laughed and took deep breaths and looked up at the sky to the stars. I kept thinking how very surreal and joyful that moment was and how I can say to our son..."we took a walk together, late at night under the stars, each of us connecting with nature and one another because of our love for you."

K had another acupuncture appointment and will go again on Monday. It has helped the baby to move further down. Each day brings us closer to when he will come into our lives. I am trying my very best to be patient and trust and know that each moment he stays in the womb, he is more healthy and strong.

We are feeling as though we are in a cocoon. Life has stood still for us as we wait in our humble hotel room where I've draped fabric and white lights and prayer flags and pieces of my family and friends. We lay on the bed holding one another as we wait for that one call when we hear..."this is it...this is really it...".

acupuncture for labor*

A beautiful blog friend referred us to an Acupuncturist out here that is known to help induce labor if needed. His partner is a Doula, so he is well informed and sensitive to the needs of a woman in the beginning stages of labor that has been stalled.

K has never had acupuncture before and was really open to trying it. For someone who is not all that keen on needles, I was so proud of her bravery. When we walked into his office, we both took a deep breath. It was very soothing and light and nurturing.

He came out and sat across from us knee to knee and with a gentle, soft spoken voice, asked K many questions and talked her through how his treatment can help move the baby down and pull all her energy in a downward motion to get things moving.

When she was being treated, he came out to talk with me, sharing with me that he has worked with adoptive parents and birth moms before and finds the whole new concept of family so beautiful. He then handed me a few "Mothering" magazines and told me to keep them. He talked with me like I was already a parent and it just filled me up to brimming.

If she doesn't go into hard labor by today, she is going in again Friday for another treatment. We did notice that after her session, the baby had moved down a bit. When she first walked in, the top of her belly was tight and then when she left, it was softer and more fuller towards the bottom. He said this was a perfect sign that it is working.

We also took her to get a pedicure last night, which is also supposed to help along with an acupuncture treatment. During her pedicure, all of her pressure points were massaged that also help induce labor.

Its been a struggle to see her so uncomfortable and in pain but yet it is not moving as fast as everyone is expecting. We are doing our best to keep things light and fun so that the heaviness of the stress we all feel does not overwhelm our days.

Thank you so much for all of your support and wisdom. We feel certain that our little boy wanted to enter a world that already felt changed. He is riding on the wave of celebration with Obama being elected. We too are all celebrating with tears and hugs. K had said a few weeks ago that she hopes he waits until Obama is elected and now we already know our son is a good listener. ; )

{Gentle Favor: I received this comment in my previous post...

we gathered our faith community and asked for their prayers, and we ourselves began visualizing opening doors, penguins sliding into the water, otters, fast-motion flower blooming...anything even remotely related to dilation, effacement, and birth. Within 30 minutes she dilated & effaced fully and my nephew arrived not long after. Just goes to show you the combined power of the mind and spirit, and the love of good people.

If you find a quiet moment, can you all do this for us? We are so very grateful.}

updates*

No wee one yet. ; )

K is back at home having contractions anywhere from 2 - 6 minutes apart. She is 4cm dilated and 50 percent efface. She's being so absolutely brave and strong. Poor thing has been contracting for more than three weeks.

We're waiting and trying our best to be patient and trust Boho Baby is wise beyond his years and knows exactly what he's doing.

We met her doctor today and LOVED her. Heard his heartbeat and swooned. Her doctor feels it will be no more than a week, if not within the next few days. So, we're definitely staying and waiting it out, even though her labor continues to stall. It is very important for us to be here for the birth.

I had a good cry with my marmie on the phone tonight. Everyone is feeling uptight and emotional due to the election, as well as worrying about K's discomfort and frustration. I'm trying to figure out my place and be strong for K and me and us and baby. Hearing my mother's calmness on the other line and encouragement and trust and faith that all will be well helped sooth my stress. I love my marmie.

The fact that Obama is doing well so far has lifted our spirits.

Thank you so much for your tips in the comments below. We're definitely trying and have seen progress! Having that support has been comforting to all. Hugs to each and every one of you that took time to offer your wisdom and beautiful stories.

Will update you soon.

a mountainous and unexplored region of the heart*

kirsten at squam, canon digital rebex xti

"Once you get over the fear it's a cinch, " she said.
And then she leaped into a mountainous and unexplored
region of her heart.

We arrive yesterday early evening and spent a few hours with K until we all got tired and needed to catch up on some much needed rest, knowing we won't get much rest soon! She's doing well under the circumstances but is uncomfortable. Her contractions slowed down and the doctor suggested she go home and get rest and monitor them, knowing we'd be here with her to take her right in when they got worse again. I think they just want her moving around to get this going. So, today we are talking her on a walk. Curious if any of you have any tips to get the labor going. Healthy, safe ones, that is.

They all feel it should be any day now and very soon. So glad we are here and not waiting at home because as long as it took us to fly and drive here, we would surely miss the birth.

She told us last night she wants to try elle~naturelle, no meds and they have a birthing tub in the delivery room. We love the hospital. Its a brand new one (only a few months old) and looks like a resort. They even have a garden path for pregnant women to walk...with a water fall. We are so impressed! The doctor and nurses are well aware of the adoption and being wonderful and sensitive about it. This whole process is blowing me away.

A sweet friend sent me some birthing visualizations to use while K is contracting during the real deal. This morning I spent time memorizing them while drinking my yerba mate. This all feels so surreal.

I feel like a protective momma bear with K and want to make sure she has all she needs. I just adore her to the core. I feel our son getting closer. We laid in bed last night knowing he will be between us soon and I put my hand there to whisper a prayer and tell him I love him and cannot wait to hold him close to me...skin to skin.

As Kirsten's mantra above says, I am indeed venturing into a region of my heart that has been unexplored. Discovering parts of my capacity to love that I didn't realize existed. Love for K, love for this baby, love for my husband and the journey of adoption.

We will keep you updated. Like I said, we are all joking around about him coming on election day. In fact,we might just borrow Obama's mantra during the birth..."Yes We Can!!!!!!". hee hee.

More soon.

{any tips on helping her through the birth would be wonderful. K and i were never able to take birthing classes together. i've done some research but i imagine many of you have some earth momma tips i haven't heard of yet...thank you from the bohos and K & T}

finding my peace ~ updated!!

me laying on a dock at squam, photo by thea coughlin

Update at 10:30PM PST on November 1st: We just now got "the call". K is in the beginning stages of true blue labor and has been admitted. We're flying out there ASAP. Please send up your prayers! Our hearts are racing with excitement. We'll update you as soon as possible. Weeeeee!

Update at 10:30am on November 2nd: We are at the airport on a layover, on our way. Just found out her contractions have slowed down quite a bit but the docs feel it should happen anytime in the next few days. Still flying out there and staying until he comes! Can't wait to see K & T...and give K a massage. She was up all night and needs some rest. What a crazy, fun ride! Why do I have a hunch he'll come on election day? That would be hilarious. Thanks so much for all your love soaked support! We're totally beaming over here.

****************************************************************

I was wondering when it was going to happen. I think most of my loved ones were waiting too. Every time they dialed my number or emailed me to check in on the status of this adoption, there was that question asked as they held their breath..."how are you doing through all of this?" I'm fine, I'm fine, I'd answer and then I'd go on talking about the baby or our birth mom K and the adorable onesies we just got in the mail from a sweet friend.

I felt like I've been spinning high off the ground for over a month now and I loved it up there. I've lived with four years of a sadness that lurked underneath all my joys. I've lived with fears of going outside, knowing I will run into pregnant women or little babies in strollers or wrapped around their parent's bodies. I'd have to check myself..."Is it okay to go outside today? Can you handle this?" But lately I've walked outside without a second thought. I've smiled at the pregnant women. I've waved and cooed at the babies in strollers and wraps and slings. Probably because I finally believed...and I mean truly believed that I would be a mother and very soon. I no longer felt isolated but part of a growing community around me. My heart was no longer consumed with the pain that comes with seeing these things around me and then followed up with the guilt for feeling resentment towards them. I felt free.

I've been riding on the waves of my loved ones who have jumped in on this adoption journey with us with arms wide open. They too have taken the risk of just believing it will happen. They too began talking in a language with us as if it already has. That this baby is indeed our son that has longed to be with us, and we with him and he is finally coming. They all joked saying "Of course this is how he came into your lives! You always were the different one in the family!" or "This just totally suits the Bohos lifestyle."

And then there were the few people in our lives that carried a lot of fear with this process and didn't want to "jinx" it by believing it whole heartedly. They had so many fears about what may not happen and how broken into pieces our hearts would be if it didn't. Down beneath the surface of it all, these loved ones of ours were just afraid of us being hurt and were feeling protective and cautious of our hearts. Regardless, I couldn't really be around that energy. As much as I understood and had compassion for it, I had to rise above and take the risk and believe. I had to throw my whole being into this like a fierce mother bear out to find her little cub in the woods, knowing she will find him by his scent. No one could stop me. No one could tell me any different.

Then the other day I had my crashing point. Perhaps it was an emotional day. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep I had the night before. Perhaps it was an email I received from K that seemed a bit tender than normal and I had misinterpreted what she was really trying to say...but I allowed myself to feel afraid. I allowed myself for just a short while to see what it might look like if she does indeed decide to keep him because it will feel impossible not to do so once she first lays eyes on him. Perhaps we will drive into our parking spot with an empty car seat and a bag full of newborn onesies that were never worn.

At this thought, it happened...what everyone wondered would happen...I had a mini meltdown and you know what? I let myself have it. So did my darling amazing loving husband. He just let me unravel. As we laid there in our bed and I sobbed and told him all of the things I was secretly afraid of. As I let all of those walls come tumbling down and exposed my deepest fears that I didn't want to believe in, he just listened and held me. He didn't try to fix it. He didn't tell me things would turn out differently. He just stroked my hair and breathed along with my breath and let me soak his chest with my tears.

There was something so powerful about that release. And that is what it felt like. All these tiny fears and burdens that were building up and as soon as I opened the door to the well, they flowed out of me along with my tears. I couldn't really sleep that night. I felt like I had just ran a long marathon (not that I've ever been in one and knew what it was like, but I imagine it would feel like how I felt). The following day, I allowed myself to walk around in silence. To sit and stare at a wall. To lay down to take a nap. I didn't try to buck up and move forward and ignore the shift that occurred. I suppose I was trying to prepare myself for another scenario that I hadn't allowed myself to embrace. So, I allowed that and imagined all the things we would do to recover from that sad scenario.

And then I received an email from K. A long, beautiful, heartfelt email reassuring me all the reasons why she wants us to have this special baby growing in her womb. She wiped all those hidden fears away in one gentle and fresh swoop. Her intuition told her to write these emotions to me and she did so powerfully and perfectly and said everything I needed to hear. Everything I had believed in these past few weeks. Everything that kept me floating and certain and not wanting to hear any different. She reaffirmed the faith I had in our relationship, our connection and how magical this process has been. She gave me the greatest gift that morning and I will never, ever forget that email exchange and how very moved our hearts were by her words and reassurance and utter and complete selfless love for this baby. She confirmed that everything we feel about this baby boy and how it has felt that he is supposed to be in our lives, is how she feels as well. For a few weeks now, I have been the one that has held her and comforted her and it was her that wrapped her arms around me to tell me everything was going to be okay. We feel so totally blessed to have been matched with such a wise, intuitive, gentle, warm and nurturing birth mom. We have such beautiful stories to share with our son about her courage and strength and selflessness during this time.

So, I am floating again. I am embracing this roller coaster of a journey. I am wholly in it now...embracing both the joy, as well as the fears. All of it and no matter how this unfolds, I know it will be worth it.

We all feel he is coming very soon. Very soon and I am finding my peace through it all.

He will be a Scorpio. Curious what you guys know about Scorpios...