a woman's touch

anthropologie dress, canon digital rebel xt

I woke up this morning and stretched my arms and legs wide across the bed with a huge smile on my face. While getting up and walking towards the kitchen to search for my chamomile tea, I felt like I was floating. Now I am up in my loft with the song "Wedding Day" by Rosie Thomas playing loudly around me. The song holds such significance for me today. It is about a woman who empowers herself to leave a painful situation and go on a roadtrip with her girlfriends. She speaks about driving with the wind blowing in her hair, with no destination..."I'm gonna drive thru the hills, put my hands out the window and sing 'til I run out of breath". She calls the song "Wedding Day" because this trip represents a commitment she is making to love, nurture and take care of herself from that day forward. "I'm gonna fall asleep in the back seat with no one around but me and my friends...".

When I first heard this song, I posted months ago about how it sent me dancing around in my loft remembering the time I left an unhealthy relationship, packed all my belongings in my convertible Tracker, moved to a cottage in Berkeley and started a new life.

Today, years later, this song holds a different meaning for me...

The past few years have been the most beautiful and also the most painful years of my life. Beautiful because I married an extraordinary man that I am terribly in love with, who is my best friend, lover, partner in crime and creative companion. Our marriage is deep, wide and healthy. There has also been great pain because we're so much in love that we want to conceive a child through this connection we are blessed with. We want what we share in this home to grow and be nurtured through little creations of our love. Those of you who have been reading for some time, know this journey of ours and also know that we are now on a wonderful path with an amazing doctor ("McMiracle" as Brittany named him) to achieve this.

In a few days, I am going on a trip to be with some inspiring, beautiful, creative, spirited, motivated and soulful women. This past year, we have all gravitated towards one another because each of us have dealt with some sort of grief recently. The death of a lover, mother, father, grandmother and the inability to have a child. Through comments, emails and phone calls, we have helped one another rise above the pain, spread our wings and focus on the beauty in our lives. We are now on a mission to transform our creativity into something HUGE for our futures and that circling together will empower us to dive in:

Letha
Susannah
Thea
Liz
Michelle
Meg

Each of us coming from all across the globe to gather and make commitments to Self. Then we will celebrate with laughter, tears, dancing, eating, drinking, creating, snuggling and singing at the top of our lungs!

On a side note: I want to thank all of you who have been patiently waiting for my online store. When I return 1.5 weeks from now, it will be OPEN!! Can you believe it?!?

So, until then, I will be letting the wind blow through my hair with these girlfriends by my side because there is nothing that compares to the soulful touch of a woman.

Those of you who have yet to hear the song I speak of, you can listen to it by clicking: Wedding Day. Promise me you'll roll down your windows and sing at the top of your lungs while I'm away.

Photo Friday ~ "Accidental"

taken too soon, canon digital rebel xt

Today, while in the midst of pasteling a drawing, many of my accidents turned out to look pretty cool. I love that about letting go with your art. Sometimes it just means releasing your preconceived ideas of what it should look like and allowing it to take on a life of its own. I wanted the drawing to be more smooth and it ended up with more texture as a result of those accidents or mistakes.

This is such a huge lesson to learn not just with our art but with our careers, our relationships, our future plans. Expectations and preconceived ideas can really bite you in the arse sometimes. Am I right? So here's to embracing our mistakes, our accidents and learning how to transform them into something rare and beautiful in our lives. Who would have known that a different path from what we expected would feel so right in the end?

See other Photo Friday entries for "accidental" here.

psychedelic trip

pastels, canon digital rebel xt

As I was preparing a space to create today, I had Natalie Merchant (The Gulf of Araby) playing loud in my loft. I found myself swept away by her music. I danced in circles with my arms open wide. Round and round with a pastel resting between my fingers. It felt like a ceremony anointing me before diving into my pastels. You know that feeling. Your belly is burning, your heart is swelling and you feel as if you could fly.

It brought me back to a time when I had my first true release of creative abandon. I was in design school and the semester was about to end. Our final project for our drawing class was a self portrait. It was due the following day and I hadn't even started. Well, in truth I had started again and again and they all ended up crumpled up in the waste basket. There was a party down by the beach with other design students. It was well deserved. We had been working our arse's off and were in great need of letting loose. At one point, we sat in a circle, drinking and divulging wild stories of our times living in other cities, single and dating. All of their projects were done, so I felt a sense of anxiousness, unable to completely relax into the moment. While telling some of my stories, I had a clear vision of a drawing. I hopped up from the circle. I had to leave in that instant to go home and begin creating. They all understood and sent me off with their glasses raised.

When I arrived home, my husband and his best friend that was visiting were sitting on our couch reminiscing about their times in Canada together (they're both Canadian). I rushed up to our loft with a quick hello. I tore out a huge piece of pastel paper, turned on the music so loud that no one could hear me speak. I sketched an abstract self portrait of my time in Berkeley and San Francisco. The voice behind this was that my soul feels so rooted there...despite where I am now. One half of my body was a Redwood tree and the other half was my arm melting into the Golden Gate Bridge, which dipped into an enormous coffee mug that was wedged between a rocky cliff. It sounds outrageous but it turned out brilliant. I was dancing and drawing, dancing and drawing and my husband and his friend were absorbing my creative energies. It was wild. A complete psychedelic trip. Colors and shapes were dancing in my head. Such a natural high.

The following day, when I brought it to class and showed my teacher, she hugged me with tears in her eyes. She was a true blue bohemian and she felt the vibe. She got it. She ended up using it as an example for her future classes. Explaining to her students that self portraits could also represent pieces of your "self".

Abandon like this doesn't happen for me every day. But when it happens, it takes my breath away. I felt a glimpse of this today and I am craving more.

Do you know this feeling I speak of?

i heart orange

boho, canon digital rebel xt

I was coveting my delicious friend Jen's orange hat the other day...telling her it is dreamy and stylish and yummy and all those fun words in my vocabulary. I remember feeling a bit bummed because now that I have quit being a Corporate Goddess and am Miss Owner of Small Creative Biz...I cannot purchase the darling clothes, hats, coats, etc...that I once was privy to. I am desperately trying to make my wardrobe as eclectic as it always has been by tying old things together here and there.

Yesterday, I received a package from her. It was squishy and when I opened up the envelope, out came a furry orange dream! The hat. The very orange hat I was dreaming of. Thank you, J...how did you know? I promised her I would take a pic, so here it is. I am wearing it today along with a scarf my mother knitted for me that matches divinely!

So off I go to my weekly appointment with my Miracle Doctor wrapped up in love from friends and family. Isn't that what M.D. stands for? Miracle Doctor? His homeopathic ways have brought me to a place where I feel healthier than I ever have on this (in)fertility journey. My energy is up, my clarity of mind sharp, my moods balanced, my sex drive back to normal (raaarrrr) and my hope is soaring. All in time for my store to open in a few weeks.

This blood type diet has rocked my world.

"I agree that life is a miracle, but I also believe that we have the power to help miracles happen by listening to the wisdom of our bodies" ~ Dr. Peter D'Adamo

So I am grateful for my Miracle Doctor and to Dr. Peter D'Adamo for inspiring me to listen to the wisdom of my body so that I can tap into that power and help create my own miracles!

feminine

free people shirt, canon digital rebel xt

I have an irresistible affection for femininity.

ready for the messy

pastel on paper, by boho

I reconnected with my pastels today. I have been so focused on my jewelry and the organizational bits of getting my store open that I have neglected my messy chalk companions. Today I set up a space downstairs near our window up top our breakfast nook. I am not neat with these marvelous sticks of pigment. I allow them to lay stacked on one another inside a box for days.

I poured them out and moved them along the surface of the table with my fingers. I smelled them. I felt my heart swell. I prepared a space for me to lose myself tomorrow. Candles will be lit. Music will be my company. Inspiration will be my guide.

I've been so consumed with my fertility journey this past year. I've been so incredibly focused on getting my new website up and running and solidifying the products I want launched in the beginning. I haven't felt that yearning to just stop all the noise around me and create for no other reason but to just create. That passionate abandon to get messy and spill. I have felt a bit blocked in some ways.

Well, something shifted today. I spilled my emotions, my fears, my vulnerable bits with a dear friend. We collectively helped peel away those layers that were causing some blocks and inspired one another. I feel a lightness, a peace. Images are swooning around me. My fingers are ready to be smothered in colors and make them come to life.

I am open and ready for the messy.

up to the hill top

dance hands, canon digital rebel xt

My husband introduced me to this song tonight. He turned it up so I could hear the lyrics as we both created up in our loft. As I listened, I felt chills. Something deep within was tugging at my soul. I heard my tribe calling to come dance on the hill top. To surrender our fears, to gather in a circle and roar and dance. On this hill top, we fully embrace and celebrate the marvelous beings that we are.

While listening to this song, I could sense it, taste it...my skin felt cooled by the moon and my heart felt free and wild.

Soon sweet tribe...soon.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

There are witches in the hills calling my name
saying come join us sister, come kiss the flame
Come dance in the moonbeams, ride the night wind
make love to the darkness and laugh at man's sins

I shiver with delight, I shiver with fear
my heart wants to go but my soul's filled with fear
So I turn to my lover and ask what do I do
do I answer their call or stay here with you
But under spell of deep sleep he moans and turns away
taking his protection and my desire to stay
So I rise to the hill tops, I ride the night winds
I make love to the darkness and laugh at man's sins

~ Cowboy Junkies

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What do you envision...

amour de cuisine

herbs, canon digital rebel xt

I never had a partner that I cooked with until I met my husband. He was the one to enjoy creating in the kitchen and at first, I let him and didn't really join in. He would tell me that cooking is art. That being in tune to the spices, the textures, the scents, the tastes, had a sensuality to it. And it does. Now that I have been spending more time in the kitchen, I feel it. When I have that awareness, my senses are being teased and tantalized. When the mood is set; music, candles and my husband by my side, it feels romantic, sexy...a different form of making love and nourishing our bodies.

Tell me your thoughts on this...or share with me your own stories.

dark & twisty

shhhh..., canon digital rebel xt

I adopted the phrase "dark & twisty" from Grey's Anatomy, which has become my latest obsession. This is at the fault of my niece visiting me last weekend and introducing me to the show. Other phrases "McDreamy" and "McSteamy" are also flashing in and out of my psyche throughout the day. I even made one up... "McYummy". A new flavor to the word I use quite often.

But "dark & twisty" has me intrigued. We all have our dark & twisty sides. Some of us are better at hiding them than others.

Leave me with what comes to mind when you hear the phrase..."you're dark & twisty".

hair love

boho kitty cat, canon digital rebel xt

I know three posts ago I said I was taking a blog break. Perhaps some of you were a bit confused when you saw that I continued to post a few pictures with some thoughts while on my said "break". I do feel as though I need to step back a bit from divulging so many parts of me here so that I can pour that energy into getting my store open. Although, I am realizing that this is truly a very vulnerable time for me and that I find comfort here...amongst all of you.

So my "break" will be a mini one, I suppose. I won't have the time to post or read blogs every day but I do find solace here and since it is essential that I create balance and nurture myself during this hectic time, I will peek in now and then.

I have so enjoyed your stories, words and images that you have left for me about my pictures in my last few posts. That is indeed part of the solace for me. You grabbing me gently by the hand and showing me your worlds. It gets me out of my head. So, over the next few weeks...I would love to continue this exchange, if you will have me.

Last night I was fortunate enough to be a hair model for my friend who is one of the most talented hair colorist's in Southern California. She used my hair to teach her assistant's some new techniques in her salon downtown. It is hard to tell in this lighting, but I have all shades of reds, coppers and golds weaved within my brown. I told my niece this past weekend that I was in bad need of some hair love...and then my friend calls me to be her guinea pig for *free*. It was a sweet giftie and once again reaffirmed my belief in the power of intentions that we put out to the Universe. Bow down to the hair~gods.

So tell me...if you had this furry leopard coat on, how would you feel? Where would you be? Who would you be with? Do share the juice...my lovely story tellers.

Prrrr kitties.

smudging

bundle of sage, canon digital rebel xt

What thoughts, feelings, images, senses or words come to mind when looking into my bundle of sage that I often use (mostly lately) for smudging negative energies and influences?

Paint me a picture with your words.

photo posts

stuff in my loft, canon digital rebel xt

Since I won't have much time to write a post over the next four weeks, I'd like to leave you with some soothing pictures every once in awhile. I will call them photo posts. So, this is the first one. Here are some things sitting on the ledge of the stairway to our loft.

I had a very soothing and peaceful doctors visit today. I go once a week...on Tuesdays. He left me feeling so proud of myself for the commitment I've made to our future baby in keeping this body temple of mine healthy. It's my way of reaching out to my baby and nurturing our relationship before he/she even enters my womb. I absolutely adore my doctor. We laughed a lot together today. The gut laugh that leaves your eyes watering. I've never felt so safe with a man in a white coat. He's so optimistic about us conceiving. I cannot help but be optimistic while I am in his presence.

So this picture above emulates how I feel. I hope you feel it as well.

For the next few weeks I will be posting pictures rather than words. I'll provide the picture...you provide the words. Tell me how they make you feel.

stretch

my niece angela, canon digital rebel xt

I had an amazing time with my kindred all weekend. There was a magical energy flowing around our home and I definitely feel her absence as I write this. Our kitty Amber is wandering around with a pout, already missing her cuddles and smell. She slept all day in the spot where Angela laid down each night to dream her sweet dreams.

I love how the age between her and I feels less apart with each year and that a deep friendship is being nurtured. It's very easy to be together, to get each other, to ease into our moods and feel safe with one another. Her presence was a delightful diversion from the overwhelm I have been feeling in regards to shifts taking place within my business.

Speaking of... I am feeling the need to take a bit of a blog break. Perhaps just a few weeks as I prepare for the opening of my store early November. There is much to do. I find that I get easily distracted and lost within the beautiful world that is our sharings, so I will have to force myself to stay focused on my tasks at hand.

You know how it feels good to lay in your bed when you wake up in the morning and stretch all of your leg, arm, stomach and neck muscles? I need to take time to stretch my creative muscles in regards to my gig. Stretch my jewelry ideas, my pastels, my bravery and my belief that it is indeed truly happening. My dream. It's just around the corner.

So, while I may not be able to read your blogs as much as I'd like or do a post every day, know that you are all in my heart. You have all become an integral part of this journey for me.

It is time for me to stretch myself and reach for this dream.

photo friday ~ thin

hip bones, canon digital rebel xt

Browse thru other Photo Friday entries for "thin" here.

she...

my niece angela, canon digital rebel xt

She's what my best friend would say..."scrum~dilly~umptious".

I handed her the "wild one in the family" crown a few years back and I am proud to say she is fulfilling her reign quite nicely. She tells me her crazy, romantic, dreamy, wild, adventurous stories and I nod in understanding, remembering my twenties and am full of pride that she too is sucking the marrow out of life.

Carpe diem.

More soon...

mirror image

angela & boho, my wedding day ~ photo by Robin Nations

My niece, Angela (darlene's daughter) is coming today to stay with us through the weekend. Being with her, is like hanging out with myself. We are so similar in so many ways it always leaves us giggling and according to my sister...we even smell the same. Since we are a little more than ten years apart, she feels more like one of my best friends. I know our visit together promises lots to share with all of you. Until then...I will be basking in her healing energy.

celebrating pity

dahlia, canon digital rebel xt

I'm always surprised at the roller coaster that is this journey of mine. You would think after two years I would have this down pat. My emotions, that is.

October marks the two year anniversary since we've been trying to conceive. Today it hit me quite hard. When I realized this, I sat on a silk cushion on my couch and wept. I had a conversation with God that went something like..."is this what you wanted? are you happy now? are you finished punishing me yet?". As I heard myself say this out loud, I actually laughed at the same time. Tears and laughter. Hey...you need to have some fun at your pity party.

And then it dawned on me. Yes. A Pity Party. I will give myself one today and celebrate like mad! So, I went out to Whole Foods to buy myself a bouquet of my favorite flower (dahlia). After I trimmed, cut and put them in vintage bottles throughout our home, I washed my teary face and got ready to take a coastal drive. I rolled down the windows so the ocean breeze blew through my messy ponytail. I blasted "Just for Now" by Imogen Heap and sang at the top of my lungs. Over and over and over. I had a few people pass me in their cars, smile and wave. I felt like yelling out to them..."care to join my pity party?!?!?"

I then stopped at my favorite store, Anthropologie and tried on all of the most expensive pieces of clothing. You know those pieces. The ones that could pay for months of your groceries. I befriended a sweet old soul who worked there. She was 20 years my senior, had long grey braids and the most amazing style. I told her I was celebrating my pity party today and she said with a warm knowing smile..."I know just the thing to help you celebrate". She brought me so many cute garments to try on. I kept tearing up each time she'd knock on my door. She never questioned why...she just spread the love with more and more clothes. We had fun and she didn't expect me to buy a thing. Although I did. From the sale rack, of course. A brand new pair of cargo's with ribbons for a belt. Every party needs at least one gift.

I then came home, took a long shower and did a facial. Once I put my wet hair in braids, I went downstairs and made myself a gluten-free Hawaiian pizza. I ate the whole thing with a kitty on each side while surrendering myself to a dreadful brainless Hollyweird film. It's been a rough few years and darnit...I deserved this!

It almost makes me look forward to the next pity party but I'll settle for celebrating a miracle instead.

self portrait challenge ~ "imperfection" ~ week one

glass scar, canon digital rebel xt

Do you remember me mentioning a while back that I've had a few near death experiences? Well, this was one of them.

Believe it or not, I received this war wound by playing karate with a few friends and jumping through a thick sliding glass door that I thought was open. You know all those comical scenes in films where we see someone trying to go through a glass door as their faces smush up and they fall backwards? Yah well, that was me but oh so much worse.

I was 13 years old and it was the Summer before my first year of high school. My two friends and I were inside the house jumping around imitating the Karate Kid after seeing the film. The last thing I remember was saying..."Hiiiyyaaa!" with a karate chop motion and leaping towards what I thought was the backyard but in actuality was into a huge wall of thick glass. I first felt my head throbbing from the blow and then it felt as though an enormous gush of hot water spilled over my leg. My guy friend screamed for my other friend to grab a towel and the next thing I knew, I woke up in a pool of my own blood on their kitchen floor. My guy friend was looking over me while the paramedics were fiddling with my leg, taking my blood pressure and such. I asked him if I cut my leg bad and he put up two fingers about an inch apart and said..."only this much". I felt relieved and then drifted again into black nothingness with muffled sounds in my ears.

I woke up in the emergency room right after the nurse had left me to get the doctor. I dared myself to glance down at my leg and I gasped. An inch long? I think not. It looked like a shark took a huge chunk out of my thigh and then nibbled on other bits here and there up and down both of my legs.

The doctors told me my friends instinct to grab the towel saved my life. He had wrapped it tight above my gaping wound to stop the bleeding. I thanked him a million times the next four years of our lives while going to school together. I think his natural instincts inspired him to become a Fireman much later in life.

I am sharing this story because there is a miracle involved. When my parents insurance company went to the house to investigate the scene, they saw a hole where my head hit and two holes where my legs went through high up off the ground. They said, with the way the glass was built, I should have gone completely through and if I did, the top of my head would have been severed from the thick jagged glass that was hanging from the hole. They also didn't understand the two holes below. It looked as though someone lifted me up, gently pushed me thru, pulled me back in and stood me up on the ground. If my legs went through the holes naturally...wouldn't I have fell down on the ground back first? I had many cuts throughout my legs to prove they did indeed go all the way through. None of us that were at the scene recall anything but me hitting the glass quickly and holding onto my head. So, when the insurance agent came to my house to assess my wound, he told me I was saved by an angel and admitted it was rare for him to say so because he wasn't a religious man.

My scar ended up being 4 inches long and 1.5 inches thick. It is on my inner right thigh. It is quite bumpy and lumpy and makes the inside of my leg look a bit deformed.

I received a nice sum of money from the insurance to put towards plastic surgery if I wanted it. I ended up saving the money to purchase my first car a few years later when I could drive. I suppose that means I wasn't very vain. ; )

I was never ashamed of my big scar because the story itself made me feel special. Since then, I have always been intrigued by scars and the stories from which they came.

Discover more imperfections here.

fall cleaning

imported bowls, canon digital rebel xt

Today I felt a strong urge to clean. Not just wipe the surface of countertops and put things away but something deeper. I feel like sorting thru my clothes, books, drawers, art supplies and toiletries to weed out what I haven't used in a while and savor the ones I do.

I've spent a lot of time in quiet this past week and I've realized I am feeling a bit closed in by clutter. Not only surrounding me in my home but also within my mind, on my website, in my studio etc. I am craving simplicity and Zen (hence the new look to my blog).

My husband and I are also working on a new and refreshing look to my website. You will see it when my store opens in November.

I know most people experience these type of decluttering urges when Spring approaches. We call it "Spring cleaning". But for me, it usually comes in Fall. When the air smells of the promise of rain I feel an essence of peace and crave a simpler life.

So I call it "Fall cleaning".