happy new year

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love,
carsten, denise, amber & elvis (the boho's)

the girls

pamela (left), angela (top center), boho (right), darlene (bottom center)
click for larger view

I was feeling some anxiety a few days ago while at my sister's house. We were just about to head over to the hospital again to be with Mark and I was full of worry for him. Then I found a perfect gift to calm my nerves.

My husband, Angela and I were cleaning out Darlene's studio to make room for Mark when he is home from the hospital and needs help. I stumbled upon this picture above while cleaning. I felt a huge warmth spill over me. It is rare to see a group picture of just the girls in our family. I was bummed that my niece Kelly (pam's daughter) wasn't in this one because then it would seriously rock my world.

Here you can see how my two older sisters (pam & darlene) look like porcelain dolls. What beauties they are! You can also see how much me and my niece Angela look alike. This was taken at her high school graduation about 5 years ago. Everyone said we were like twins. Even to this day it can still be freakish how similar we are.

I laughed at my blonde hair a la Jennifer Aniston. Oh geez. At least I tried, eh?

Was hoping to make you smile too.

Woven

Seattle boutique, canon digital rebel xt

Boho Boy and I just arrived from the long drive home. I still find myself wondering if what transpired this past week really happened or was it all a dream. When a trauma like this happens to someone you love, you suddenly feel like you are part of a dramatic film with thoughts like, "this only happens in the movies". Well...where do film writers get their ideas from? Real Life. Hello real life.

Being in the ICU every day with Mark was surreal. Time stood still. Then it flew by. Sometimes it was in slow motion. After we'd hear new news from the doctors or nurses, we'd all have to digest it amongst one another. Some of us were stronger when the other was weak and then we'd alternate. Our moods in balance. Yin and Yang. I always had my eye on my sister Darlene. I so badly wanted to protect her from her fears. To put a shield of comfort around her so that she only heard the positive.

I am tired and rejuvenated all at once. Tired from all the scary~ness, Mark's pain, the uncertainty, lack of sleep and roller coaster of emotions. Rejuvenated because I am so in love with my family and I am full of hope for Mark's recovery. I feel such monumental things are going to happen in his life as a result of this. His story has touched thousands of people all around the world and it has touched us. I see him moving mountains. I saw it in his eyes. It will just take time, hope, patience and determination. We have to help him find these things within himself.

When in the waiting room with my family, words of comfort were not always necessary. As Darlene sat there, knitting her scarf to keep her mind busy, silence was just enough. Just being with your family is enough. I never felt the pressure to say all the right things. I was hoping they could feel my quiet strength because I felt theirs.

I learned that something as serious as this knits family together like a woven scarf. As I watched Darlene move one loop into the next, I thought of our family. That we were holding one another together through this. We were holding Mark together. Each of us by his bedside were bringing him closer into us, pulling his spirit back into the circle of our family. We will continue to wrap around him and pull him through this.

We are all intricately woven and our strength in numbers will gently guide him to those mountains so he can start moving them.

He smiled...

Still here with my family in Northern California. Today a huge weight has lifted. My nephew Mark smiled and laughed today. It happened with both me and my husband separately since only person at a time could visit his room. When saying goodnight, Mark looked at me very seriously and said "I love you" with a slight tear in his eye. And with a slight tear in mine I said "I love you too". My heart felt like it would burst out of my chest. I left the ICU and practically did back flips on my way over to where my husband was sitting in the family waiting room. Mark's talking. He's coherent. He's alive, he smiled and with a pillow held tight to his chest, he almost laughed.

That's all I wanted for Christmas.

More soon. I think I can actually sleep now. Thank you all...

healing pictures

family portrait session, canon digital rebel xt

Here are a few pictures from one of my portrait sessions this past weekend. Looking at them has actually made me smile and has brought healing within. I haven't smiled much in the last few days.

I cannot tell you how much the bloggie love across the globe has meant to my sister and the rest of our family. I just spoke to Darlene a few hours ago and your loving comments were the one thing we talked about in the midst of all the fear and horror, that has brought her some peace. So please know your prayers, thoughts, warmth, love is noticed and deeply appreciated during this time.

My husband and I are heading home to my family very soon. It has been so difficult to concentrate. My mind cannot focus on any one thing but my nephew Mark, his face and all that has transpired in the hospital while I have not been there. This feels like a nightmare. Something that only happens in films. We are all in shock. I need to be by his side. Yet, I am also afraid to be by his side. Afraid to see the changes throughout his body and all the tubes to and fro. Afraid that as I hold his hand and feel his grip, that tears might stream down my face. I want to be strong. I want to hold my family together. I usually do.

I love Mark so much. He is only 10 years younger, so he feels like a friend more than just a nephew. We spoke on the phone just days ago...laughing. This is so surreal.

I am grateful that we will all be together within hours from now. Circling around Mark and one another. Our family is full of strength and we will all help him get through this. I am willing so many positive thoughts about him and his recovery. Even though things seem to not be looking very good...I must believe and know he will come out of this stronger than he ever has been. I must believe and I will.

Thank you for taking precious time to think of us during the holiday. By posting these pictures, I am attempting to make you smile as well. I know you've spilled sweet tears for us. Now I need to know you are smiling.

Deep mushy love to all. See you later next week.

Keep him in your Prayers

my nephew Mark at our wedding, photo by Robin Nations

Thank you so much everyone for your prayers and well wishes for our family.

Mark is in the ICU and in critical condition. They had to take out a big portion of his small intestine, part of his colon and I believe bits of his liver. We just found out that he also broke his back...but not his spinal cord. At this point, we are not sure if he needs a second surgery for his large intestine or his back. He is not breathing on his own as of yet. We are hoping by tomorrow, he can. He is a very strong individual both physically and mentally...so he definitely has that going for him.

Mark's friend was driving at a high speed when they turned and hit a poll, then rolled into a canal. Mark had to crawl out and move himself onto the road to call for help. He must have been in shock in order to move at all. Mark's friend is also in critical condition but I am not sure of the details.

It is really difficult for us to be away from him at this time. We are leaving early Thursday morning to be with the family and am not sure how long we will be gone.

Please continue to say your prayers, light your candles, meditate and send healing energy his way. It will be a long recovery but Darlene and the rest of our family will take wonderful care of him.

My sister Darlene will keep everyone updated on her blog here. I believe in the power of people circling together. Thank you for circling...

self portrait challenge {red}

self portrait, canon digital rebel xt

I am extremely attracted to the color red. It seems when I am feeling most passionate in my life, somehow this color appears before me. I stumbled upon this hat while out shopping the other day. I've been on the hunt for a red hat for quite some time but haven't connected with any of them until I found this one.

Red moves me. It finds me. It speaks volumes of rich, deep, romantic feelings.

Lately I have fallen deep into all these passionate emotions. When this happens, I can get a bit quiet with my thoughts. This past week I have done just that. I haven't blogged much or emailed or phoned. I've just put my head down. I work. I create. I dream. I write. I think. I feel. I suppose it is a bit of a digesting period of some sort. Then I resurface from this cocoon and begin to share.

I have wonderful people in my life that get this about me. Sometimes the best poetry, jewelry, photographs and drawings are born out of these times.

Do you ever have a string of days where this happens to you? This passionate flow of quietness?

(all the scarves you see behind me were handmade by my mother and two sisters. yummy them. lucky me.)

Update: My nephew Mark (darlene's son) was just in a serious car accident. He is currently in surgery for internal injuries. I cannot sleep. It is 1:30am and I wish I could be in the hospital with all of them. I am sharing this here because I know that I have some pretty powerful readers of my blog and he will need all the prayers, lit candles and healing vibes he can get over the next few days. I will not know the severity of his injuries until he is out of surgery. Thank you in advance for your love.

sunday scribblings {anticipation}

velouria boutique, seattle, canon digital rebel xt

Anticipation is the perfect Sunday Scribblings prompt for me today.

This morning, as I was running around my home preparing for a portrait session, I caught myself smiling and my heart swelling. The new Rosie Thomas album (thank you, Meg) was playing in my home. All of my candles and tea lights were lit. The lights were dim, the wine poured. All this with the hope to create an ambiance that would relax my model and make her feel nurtured.

My heart is so closely attached to my photography right now. I feel it pulsating with ideas, images, moods. This morning it felt as though my life and the choices I have been making were in harmony because what I was preparing for in that moment felt so very meant to be. When my head is in a space like this, I am usually flooded with images, moments that have brought or would bring joy into my life:

I remembered a moment when my sister Pamela and I were sitting on my bed in Berkeley eating grapes, cheese, chips and hummus and we were laughing so hard we were crying. I remember loving her so much in that moment that my heart could barely fit into my chest.

I imagined me snuggled up, sandwiched between my two brother in-law's during Christmas. Thinking that they feel like my real blood brothers as they've been in my life for over 15 years.

I thought of my first kiss with my husband. Him leaning up against a car in Santa Barbara and the moment before our lips touched, he told me he's dreamed of me all of his life.

I thought about eating sushi in Berkeley with my sister Darlene and sharing some of our deepest secrets over hot sake. We surprised one another that night with our stories. Reminding her and I that there is always so much to learn about someone...even when you feel you know them so intimately.

I remembered me sitting on my bedroom floor and my parents up on my bed listening to all my stories from my trip abroad when I was in my early twenties. We sat there for a few hours. I'll never forget the excitement and awe on their faces. I felt so very wrapped up in their love and admiration and that was the moment that I realized they were also my best friends.

I imagined a group hug, nuzzled in the bosoms of my tribe, my girls, my life support.

All of these images and more flooded my mind. When my model arrived, I was feeling nurtured and alive. Nurtured from the souls in my life that hold me together and keep my heart beating.

As my joy and anticipation swelled, so did my ability to nurture her.

a superhero is born!

me & andrea, taken by boho boy, canon digital rebel xt

Yay...baby Ben has arrived!

I couldn't be more thrilled for their precious family. It has been such an honor and blessing to walk on this journey to conceive along side her.

I woke up last Thursday morning with a feeling deep in my gut that something was stirring in superhero land. I phoned her and as soon as she picked up, she asked..."do you have a feeling?" Little did we know then that just hours after we hung up, Ben was well on his way. I still get chills thinking about it.

It tells me that my intuition is usually right on and lately its been telling me that our time to conceive is soon. Gotta sponge up that baby mojo! It's just a feeling...

So, spread the love and welcome baby superhero into this world, if you haven't already!

self portrait challenge {Red}

my red shoes, canon digital rebel xt

These red shoes make me happy. I know there is that old adage..."no one can make you feel anything" but in this case that's not true. These red shoes really do make me feel happy. When I slip these ruby shoes on my feet, I feel like all I have to do is do like Dorothy does in Wizard of Oz and click them three times so I could go anywhere, be anything, do whatever it is my heart desires.


boho, canon digital rebel xt

You see...they have some magic instilled in them from their previous owner who sent them my way for good measure. I am so grateful for this magic sprinkled from her beautiful soul to these beautiful soles.

A darling friend of mine emailed me five things she was grateful for today... beckoning me to do the same. I love being asked about what I am grateful for because it helps me get out of a funky headspace and into a lighter one. Often, when I am feeling a bit down (or grumpy), my husband asks me to tell him three things I am happy about. Being asked to focus on gratefulness really works for me. It shifts me into a much more peaceful place. Because, although some days I do wake up fully aware of the goodness around me, there are also days when life's noise gets in the way of me being able to see that goodness clearly.

I am going to list five things I am grateful for and I would love for you to respond with some of your own gratefulness. If you can't think of five...even one is better than none!

1. Firefly lights hanging in our bedroom.
2. Being pleasantly surprised with three photo shoots in two weeks!
3. Running out into the gorgeous sunset today to take pictures of my shoes.
4. Leonie guiding me to this cool blog.
5. An owner of a bead store teaching me a cool knotting technique with leather and then giving the leather to me for free! He's such a cool hippy in his late 60's. Definitely left me with good energy for the remainder of my day.

soul clock

self portrait, canon digital rebel xt

Today I was sitting at my friend's station in her salon ready and waiting to get my hair color some fabulous shades of red. Since my hair is so fricken long and thick, it takes 3.5 hours to do, so I am thankful for the plethora of cool magazines she plops on my lap. For some reason today, on my way out of the house, I grabbed one of my favorite mag's that just came in the mail and brought it with me to the salon. I've never done this before and hardly thought twice about it. That is until I opened up the third page and saw an article about fertility. I knew right when I saw the word "FERTILITY" in huge green letters that I was supposed to read this article today.

It was written by a gynecologist who also had difficulty conceiving. She practices both Eastern & Western philosophies...so right up my alley. The article was about what she first tells her patients when they come to her. She immediately brings awareness to the importance of their emotional state throughout this process. Most of her patients that come to her have been through the ringer and are emotionally spent, frustrated, degraded and utterly confused. Pretty much where my husband and I were about the time we finally found McMiracle.

The wisdom she shared that struck me to the core was how when a couple is labeled "infertile" that this word alone adds much stress and emotional upheaval.

The Power of Words.

She first tells her patients to stop calling themselves infertile and to say instead "conceiving our child". Infertile sounds so final, so black hole, so "never" and I didn't realize the affect it has had on my husband and I until I read this.

She also tells her patients to not look at their clock as a "biological clock" but as a "soul clock". A couple starts trying to conceive when their souls tug at their hearts to create a child. Soul clocks never stop ticking.

The whole article was laced with positive energy and hopeful strategies. It was so refreshing. I thought at the end of the article, I would read how the author finally got pregnant. Instead, she shared that she adopted a boy, meant to be born in a different womb and is in every sense of the word her son. Since then, she's dedicated her whole practice to helping couples fulfill their "soul clocks", on whichever path that works best for them.

So, I was left with the reassurance that I am not infertile but conceiving our child, that my soul clock is still ticking and that I will be a mother someday, regardless of how it happens.

All this yummy encouragement and the bonus of fun reddish hair.

holiday delivery

model angela, canon digital rebel xt

Christmas is peeking around the corner my friends! Do get your orders in by December 17th to ensure holiday delivery.

Everyone needs a touch of bohemian in their life.

~ Bohemian Girl Designs ~

Be avant~garde
Be unconventional
Be off~beat
Be Bohemian…Be You.

fun in the sun

surf's up, canon digital rebel xt

Yes. This is Southern California in December. The sun out, the surf up and bikini clad gals laying on the beach. I cannot believe just last week we were practically snowed in on Vancouver Island.

Fast walking on the beach is one of the most fun forms of exercise for me. Today, as the waves crashed loud off the shore, I worked my boho booty to the sounds of Jack Johnson on my iPod. His music is perfect for the beach, well...because he's a beachy sort of guy. His song "bubble toes" had me smiling ear to ear and filled me with a cool sense of energy and fun.

I've always been someone who thrives more when I am having fun. I was talking with a gorgeous superhero today about how important the message of fun can bring to one's business and the path it is taking. If I am having fun doing a particular task, then I should go with it because it is my body, mind and soul in harmony with what I am doing. One thing that I have been having a blast with is the photography aspect of my business. I have two portrait sessions coming up and I am having so much fun preparing for it. I am so thankful that I can tune in to what I am supposed to focus on while working. Since I am my own boss (yes, i guess that means i am the boss of me), this will help me with direction since there is no one else to do that for me.

So, after having fun in the sun...it is now time to have fun in the studio (wearing wintery clothes in place of bikini.).

a vision {poetry thursday}

self portrait, canon digital rebel xt

i feel watched over
my eyes drunk with God
my face in the bosom of Mother Earth,
protected
light pulses through me
circles above my head
down into my womb
my body altered
not here, nor there
but somewhere in my near future
swelling belly
biting into a pomegranate
not tasting the bitter
only the sweet nectar spilling down
onto the home of my babe,
honoring the space around my womb
ripe juice between my fingers
gently smoothed over my belly
with creative abandon,
a masterpiece is made.

This was a vision I had during meditation today of me pregnant. Hopefully in the near future.

self portrait challenge ~ red

self portrait, canon digital rebel xt
(click image for larger view)

The first word that pops into my head when hearing or seeing the color red is "passion".

This week I want to spend time clarifying what it is in this life that I am truly passionate about. When I say clarify, I mean actually write it down and then create a vision board full of my passions, my dreams that I want to nurture and make a reality. If some of my dreams already are a reality then I want to help them evolve into something even greater.

With all this talk about being still, slowing down and paying closer attention to the lessons in my life, I want to use this gentle time with myself to hone in on the vision I hold for my future.

So many of us walk through our life saying "I am passionate about this, I am passionate about that..." but do we pay attention to whether or not those things are happening or being nurtured within us? If we woke up each morning to a vision board hanging on our walls that had all of our hopes and dreams exhibited, we couldn't avoid our dreams, now could we?

Looking back on my life, whenever I have written a dream down, set my mind to it, put the intention out there, prayed about it, it has come to fruition. Perhaps I am afraid to do a vision board because I know how powerful those intentions can be. The whole "be careful what you wish for" dilemma.

It is a bit scary but I am going to make an effort to do this over the next few days. I've been putting it off for too long. I was talking with my dear friend about doing this with her and holding one another accountable. If you are inspired to do one as well, I would also encourage you to team up with a buddy so it feels less daunting.

What do I desire for my relationships, my business, my home, my creativity, my health, my spirituality? Where do I want them to be next week, in a few years and so on?

What do you envision for your life?

Time to tear up some pages, pull down the art supplies and figure out these passions of mine.

Find other SPC'ers in red here.

update: talk about manifesting dreams. for the past month i have been envisioning the perfect striped thigh high socks to wear this winter with my wool anthropologie dress and haven't been able to find them. today i received a package in the mail from my sweet friend Jen of three pairs of socks (two striped) and they are just what i imagined. she had no idea. i am in shock, folks. it really works! thank you Jen.

Sunday Scribblings

saturday night at the boho's, canon digital rebel xt
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In the last hour of our Saturday night we put on our comfies, snuggled in our blankies, lit the candles and ate our soupies.

But a picture speaks louder than words, does it not?

There is no place like home.

photo friday ~ stillness

first snow, vancouver island, b.c.,
canon digital rebel xt

I didn't think it was a coincidence that this weeks prompt for Photo Friday was "stillness". Just a few days ago, I allowed myself a day to be angry and confused about my journey to conceive and during that anger with my fists to the sky and tears down my cheeks, I asked for answers. I just needed some answers.

When I sat breathing heavily on the floor of my studio, the idea that we as a society have forgotten how to wait came to me. I wrote about it in my previous post. I've been so focused on our goal, trucking ahead, doing steps 1, 2 & 3, that lately I have forgotten how to be still and pay attention to all that I am learning through this. I have stopped meditating, writing about it, taking walks on the beach and imagining being pregnant. I have stopped being still.

On the way back from McMiracle's office yesterday (for those of you who are new readers, this is my holistic fertility doctor), I decided to stop at a beach during the 1.5 hours coastal drive home. I stepped out of my car and walked down a bumpy dirt hill onto the sand. I stood and stared at the sun all sparkly on the ocean and allowed myself to be still, to drink it all in. My appointment was full of some new information, some "answers" as to what may be the main issue with us trying to conceive. I had asked for answers and I received some. What I normally may have done is call my marmie, my sisters, my nieces or my friends, one after the other, the whole way home but this time, I needed to be still. As I stared out into the ocean, I thanked God, I thanked the Universe for listening and just breathed in this new wisdom and gratefulness I was feeling.

The remainder of the day I stood quiet in my studio with candles lit all around me and ambient music playing. When my husband came home, I waited until he was in the right head space to share my day with him. I waited. I was still. And today, I feel more peaceful, more aware, more open to the lessons I am supposed to be learning.

I am making a commitment to myself to be more still. I encourage you to try it with me.