warm fuzzies*

boho boy & me

Wow. I feel pretty damn grateful that I can be messier than messy and my cool readers tell me I'm a rock star. I'm trying to feel worthy of this. When I read your comments I almost found myself looking behind me to see if you were talking about someone else. ; ) Total warm fuzzies.

I think I carried all of you with me last night as I walked into my doctors appointment. I felt really empowered by my brave step to be completely raw. Then all of you validated that this journey is fricken painful and its okay that I am not in a super duper positive place about it... all. the. time. It just made me breathe deeper and take a closer look at what my deal was.

I'm not sure exactly why I put that pressure on myself. I think part of it is that I believe so much in the Law of Attraction (you are what you think stuff) that I worry my sadness equally has that much power over whether or not I will conceive. So, this is my journey of finding the balance between manifesting myself into greatness, as well as keeping it real and allowing the messy parts to spill while not losing myself.

Another fear I had was letting people down. That's the people pleaser in me. I have received an amazing abundance of emails with shared stories that parallel mine and have been told that my attitude is inspiring to them and keeps them going. This has touched me so deeply (and humbles me to my knees) and makes me feel part of a sacred sisterhood. The thing is, I think I confused "attitude" with always needing to be that cheery up person but that's not what it is. I've realized, by your comments and a few conversations with friends, that people need to not feel alone in their grief and the fact that I am completely honest and lay it out there allows others to feel empowered to do the same. So, if that is truly the case...we're all in for an interesting adventure.

Lets let it out, man!

The last few days have felt lighter for me. It started with me spilling on my journal and then going to the gym the last few mornings and getting all crazy sweaty! I feel like now that my thyroid is balanced (confirmed by a blood test last week), my energy levels are getting back to where they were three years ago. Three years ago when I could barely go one day without doing something active and feeling fit. The last two weeks I have woken up early with the hubs and left for the gym as he leaves for work. Seeing myself write this totally blows me away. I NEVER like to work out in the mornings...but am finding myself craving it. I bring along my cute little pink iPod hooked up with all of the shake the booty songs you suggested a while back and I close my eyes on that trusty elliptical machine and rock the house. I'm even doing weights. Then stretching. Welcome back old me. I decided to do the gym thing right now because I need structure as I welcome activity back into my life. I also want to feel more flexible and fit before I start up yoga again. I'm not really a gym person but the one I go to is mind and body focused with yoga, pilates, tai-chi classes and a bunch of new high tech machines. I have to shyly admit that I am geeked out by the technology on these modern weight machines.

My gym is small and quaint and has no muscle dudes staring at themselves in the mirror. In the mornings it is just me and about four grandpas and a few yogis. Perfect.

My appointment last night was very comforting. My beautiful doc confirmed that I am on my way but we still have some tests and work to do so that everything is perfectly balanced for my individual body. What I love is that she looks at the big picture of the whole individual and does not compare her patients to "average" numbers. Because not all women fall into an average bracket. You got that right baby! And how could I not feel completely dizzy with smiles when she has me walking out of her office with a tincture bottle that has written on it: "Denise's magic baby hormone balancing formula." Is she not totally perfect for me?

So, as I allowed the mess to spill the other day, it lightened my heart enough to where I could move a bit forward the last few days. Lesson learned.

I'm not sure why I posted this photo. It just brings me warmth and thats all part of this forward movement of focusing on things that bring on those warm fuzzies in my life. Plus...he's a good kisser and that's definitely focus worthy.

the grief that grips

just me, photo by boho boy

I've found myself retreating a bit about what to write here in my journal lately. Perhaps because it is that place in my Universe where I have been accustom to being so raw and real and the past few weeks I've been a wee bit afraid of some heavy feelings that are resurfacing. I think I've been hard on myself lately about the fact that the positive/manifesting head space I was in last month has wained a bit. I've been blindsided by the contrast between last month and this one and I think I have a pretty good idea what triggered it. My temperature rose quite high after ovulation and those of you who are familiar with obsessing about this sort of thing, know what this could mean; a possible pregnancy. My hopes went sky high and then midway through the ride, my fear of yet another month of disappointment caught up with my hope. I found myself pulling back and falling silent and mustering up all of my energy to find my footing again until I knew whether or not this was the month.

And it wasn't.

With all that said, I realize that my body is just now getting healthier and balanced and truly...I need to give it time. I've even heard from our docs that this is like starting over with a fresh clean slate. Oh how I wish it could feel that way but there's history, you see...and its difficult to not allow almost four years of disappointment month after month to creep in at the thought of starting anew. Even if I feel healthier than I've felt in years. Even if I know my reproductive organs are being well oiled and toned. It's hard to not look back and want to protect myself.

I was afraid to share this all here for fear that I would be judged for not being the brave warrior I was last month when so many of you cheered me on. When so many of you chanted along with me that Yes, I Will Be Pregnant and then here I was again feeling paralyzed and weary and on the verge of tears. Here I was again feeling one by one, thin walls of protection coming up to guard my heart from allowing myself too much excitement. Here I was again, turning my eyes away from a baby that stared and smiled at me from a stroller at Whole Foods. Whenever I see a baby stare at me I hear a soft voice in my mind telling me that this little one is an angel, sending me a message that my baby is coming soon. Following suit, another more irritated voice in my head tells me how very ridiculous that sounds and that the baby is staring at me simply because I am wearing bright colors. It doesn't have a message for you at all. You're fooling yourself. Perhaps now you won't wonder why I need to look away and not engage with this battle of soft and harsh thoughts.

The thing is, I don't want to feel I have to be perfect here in my journal. I want to embrace that this journey is so very hard and is a roller coaster of really high highs and very low lows. Perhaps people assume that when my husband and I have been at this as long as we have, that it might get easier, just a part of our daily lives like doing laundry but it doesn't get easier and each month is so very different. One month it might help with the grief to just listen to music and the next month that music might trigger so many emotions. One month I am feeling all Zen and listening to meditation CD's and the next I feel repelled at that idea. Each month is a whole new experience that comes with a package of new lessons and feelings and I have to be gentle with myself about that.

I also have to be okay if what I am going through frustrates people that care about me because I know what they want so badly for me is to move on, to let go, to embrace the goodness, to believe, have faith and stop obsessing. If they see me having a bad month, they might want to help push me along at a pace I am not ready for and I have to understand that their intentions are good and not take it personally. I need to feel centered in the fact that what I need is to just allow myself to feel whatever it is I am feeling at any given moment even if it brings up stuff for other people in regards to me. I need to vent and explore my emotions when they surface and for the people that love me to just sit with it and not try to fix it for me. I will be okay. I will always be okay and pull through it. Sometimes I just need to be heard and validated, like..."yes, this sucks something awful or yes, you will be pregnant"...depending on where I am at on that given month and what mojo I've got going on (or not).

So one month I am a total rock star manifesting princess and the next month I am stumbling and holding on by a string. One month I am loving all the cute couples and their babies at the grocery store and the next month, I am holding my breath until I can sit in my car alone and weep.

I know some of you reading this feel what I am sharing to the core. You probably all have a box of tissues in your car too, hidden between the seats. Yes, you know.

I need to bend with it and I need to not be afraid of spilling all parts because this is my journey and I honor the beautiful, as well as the messy. This is who I am. I'm not perfect. I'm just a woman longing to have a baby and trying to fit all the other amazing things happening in my life around the grief that grips me, sometimes lightly, sometimes very fiercely...always there.

the blond in our family...

my niece kelly, senior portrait, canon digital rebel xti

i heart her.

this quote made me think of her today and how we all feel in her presence.

"And what does it feel like?" we asked.
"Well, " she said,
leaning over to us like a secret,
"it feels like a gust of wind
blowing inside your heart.
It feels like bright yellow paint."

~ Monique Duvall, The Persistence of Yellow

magic*

magic vintage bottles, canon digital rebel xti

This morning I woke up with a heavy heart.
Feeling sad and finding it hard to embrace movement.

Yet, when I stop by my inbox...there is magic.
Affirmations, stories, music and hope.
From beautiful people that have never met me.
How is it that you know?
Did something gently whisper in your ear last night?

I have goosebumps with tears of gratefulness spilling,
and once again...my hope is restored.

Thank you for these gentle nudges and sparkly reminders,
that guide me closer to where I want to be.

holding onto hope*

jen, swirly, andrea, canon digital rebel xti

There are many morsels of my friendships that I hold dear to my heart. One of them that is so very special to me is something I have learned from the amazing women in my life.

On the days when the sadness feels overwhelming and I struggle to hold onto those positive, manifesting thoughts, I hear them say..."release that pressure to be positive all the time. give it to us. let us hold onto the hope you need so that you can rest your head and feel whatever it is you feel in this moment."

I am grateful for this gift. Grateful that it teaches me how to be a better friend to them when they lose hope. It teaches me to be more gentle with myself. I have so much faith in the power of loved ones in my life holding onto a dream for me during those moments when it feels too heavy or out of reach.

I have this vision of them circling me, cupping my hope in their hands, leaping, dancing and lifting it to the sky and when I am ready, they gently hand it back to me.

...and it somehow feels lighter and closer and real again.

rhythm and letting go*

our darbuka drums & gourd shaker, canon digital rebel xti

Last night I watched my husband sit in his leather chair, close his eyes and find a rhythm with his darbuka drum. I could see the plethora of thoughts from his day just melt away into a world with no cognitive thoughts but only those that are in the present; his hand, his drum and the music that so naturally flowed through him.

I grabbed my small blue darbuka and tried to match his rhythm. I was holding tight to the drum and my hands felt clumsy and awkward. I realized that I was trying too hard to sound perfect. When I closed my eyes, took deep breaths and let it flow from me, I released my grip and allowed my fingers to tap lightly and with playfulness. The sounds we created together were harmonious, free and other worldly.

I know this was a message to me about letting go and the flowing rhythm my life can take on when I am in that space of surrender.

I am grateful that these instruments nestled in our home will be a gentle reminder for me that I feel more freedom and openness when I'm not holding on too tight.

today on the beach*

little girl on beach, canon digital rebel xti

Today my husband and I decided to take a little stroll at a nearby beach. It was blanketed with people both big and small. Its always the small ones that I just can't seem to stop myself from watching; Little cherubs running towards the shore, pig-tailed girls covered in sand while building their castles, a father and son playing catch, a mother dipping her baby's toes into the chilly water, identical twin girls wearing matching swimsuits and choreographing a barefoot dance.

I find myself searching around for their parents and always wonder how their children came to them and if their arrivals where a struggle like it is for us or if it was never a second thought or worry if it would happen. I wonder if they know how very blessed they are to play with their child in the sand and I always keep note that when it indeed happens for us, that I hope we will never take these precious moments for granted.

I wasn't always like this. I didn't always feel a lump in my throat and a yearning in my gut at the sight of a swelling belly or a woman breast feeding or a husband and wife both carrying children on their hips. In fact, in my twenties, being a mother didn't really enter my mind very much. What did occupy my mind was traveling and spirituality, moving around like a gypsy and living in a funky studio high enough to see the golden gate bridge in San Francisco. My family probably often wondered if I would ever settle down enough to be a mother at all. I recall my grandmother often saying "You're just like your Aunt Linda". My Aunt Linda was a bright career woman that never wanted children and married much later in life. Its not that I wasn't nurturing. On the contrary, I was the one my friends always came to for comfort and wisdom and "mothering" so to speak. Being a mother to a child just wasn't a desire at that time in my life. I was a bit too free spirited and wild and curious.

It wasn't until I met my husband that the yearnings came out of left field. I found my partner for life...a male version of me (albeit much, much taller). The thought of creating a family with him was like this primal urge that just took over my mind, body and soul. My heart opened up to this possibility wider and more fierce than it has with anything else in my life. It surprised me and I often wonder if it surprised others in my life. I fell madly in love and the idea of creating a family together felt so very natural and exciting and challenging and right.

Since then, as most of you know that have been reading my blog for a few years, I have come to a balance of creating a life for myself that is so very fulfilling despite our struggles. Yet there is still that empty space. Some days it is easier to manage but on days like these, when I find myself wanting to sit on the sand and watch other peoples children, it haunts me. I try to remember what it was like to be that twenty something city Boho that filled her mind with city happenings but its just not the same. I am transformed by a longing that will not fade away. I am now that woman that is out with her girlfriends sipping martinis but is suddenly distracted by the baby in the stroller outside of the window. It takes energy to regroup, to find my breath again. I find myself going down my mental list of things I am grateful for. This always helps. It somehow takes the sting away. A little bit.

There are days when I can remove myself from a situation that might make emotions surface and spill and then there are days when I know I just have to surrender. Today was one of those days.

I am still manifesting a healthy pregnancy. I am still believing it will happen. I am still feeling that certainty to the core but today I find myself honoring the vulnerable parts too. Honoring others that have traveled a similar path and know what it is like to sit on the sand and brush those tears that won't stop as you watch a little one run towards the shore.

curl up*

thea coughlin, canon digital rebel xti

I've been dealing with some gremlins today that are holding me back from the joy I'd like to reach. Those naughty little self doubt voices need to be hushed.

I've been away for a few days and came home to my husband being excited about the book Quiet Your Mind.

There was a bit in particular that he shared with me last night that I found really helpful with hushing those negative thoughts today: Take some deep breaths and direct your thoughts to your breathing. Not only focus on your breathing but also your chest moving up and down during each deep breath.

When I allow my mind to think about those two things, rather than just my breathing, I really can quiet my mind. My brain only allows those two thoughts to penetrate my being in that moment. It even works for my husband, who is the King of multi-tasking and thinking of a thousand things at once.

I always struggle with meditating because my mind wanders in various directions. Focusing on just my breath during yoga or meditation still leads to so many other images, feelings, people and events. Perhaps that is why visualizing goals that I want to happen come easier to me. I am glad to know that for people like me who think too much, there are tools to find that place when you're not really thinking but just being.

I am sure there are many other ways to get to this place and if you are inspired to share your experience of how you quiet your mind, I would love to hear.

Tonight I am going to curl up and be grateful that those gremlins left me alone. I am going to curl up and continue to quiet my mind when needed.

Have a wonderful weekend curling up to your own positive, loving, gentle thoughts.

pj's, a film...and mothers day*

me in my pj's, canon digital rebel xti

The photo above has nothing to do with the reason I am writing, really. Except that after the day I have had, cuddling up in my pj's is exactly what I need. I wanted to give these drawstring pants that I brought home from Whole Foods a shout out. They are so soft and cuddly with the added bonus of being eco-friendly. I wear them as pj's and to lounge around. Whenever I find something irresistibly cozy, I promise to share the goodness.

My husband and I just returned home from watching a film. It was one of those times when we were out and about running errands and thought we'd stop by our favorite independent theater to see what was showing next. That happened to be the new film Then She Found Me. We had no idea what we were walking into and I suppose that always adds a sense of spontaneity and adventure. Part of me wonders that if I had known what it was about, if I would have chosen to walk away but in the end, I am glad I didn't.

Prior to the film I was pleasantly surprised at how strong and calm I have felt as the Mothers Day holiday approached. I haven't felt a sense of sadness but more anticipation than anything. These are new feelings and welcoming ones.

(spoiler alert...i share about the film but not much more than what you see in the trailer)

About 10 minutes into the film my mouth dropped open. Then within two hours I watched the main character's story unfold about her own struggles with trying to conceive in her marriage, being adopted, miscarriage, her relationship with her birth mother and being faced with the decision to adopt or do western fertility treatments. I didn't know whether to laugh at the irony or cry in the face of it all. The entire film triggered so many emotions in us that by the end, we sat there utterly exhausted and starring at the screen until the lights came on, the last credits rolled and we were the only ones left in the theater (with the exception of the cute tattooed and pierced employees cleaning up the aisles).

Boho Boy knew I needed to regroup before we headed back out into the bright lights of the city. I just sat their quietly letting the tears fall, wiping my face and waiting until I could share my thoughts with him. I was left feeling a bit discouraged that some sadness and anxiety crept in when I had been feeling so good but I know it is completely natural and expected after watching something that resonated so deeply. I asked Boho Boy if he thought the messages in this film were signs for us about what is to come. He gently brought me back around, reminding me that we are starting anew with some breakthroughs in our journey. Hearing him go down the list of all the reasons he feels confident that we can do this, slowly brought me back into my centered space, one breath at a time.

In that space I was reminded that whatever journey brings you peace is most likely the one you should be on. I got so tied up into this woman's story that I confused it with my own. That is so easy to do but as sisters on a fertility journey, we can all meet one another in our pain and then step outside of it and be aware of which path is theirs and which one is ours.

Our decision to try again has been a song in my heart and the way I have felt over the past few weeks is a confirmation that we are where we are supposed to be.

It was an absolutely beautiful film. Extremely raw and real and so well done. I am grateful that it is bringing awareness to the intensity of emotions on this journey, for those that have never traveled this road. It just felt so close to home and falling on a holiday that can feel a bit tender, I got a bit side tracked.

Like so many other times when pain from this journey surfaces and it feels exhausting, there is a deep inner strength that comes after self reflection and finding my footing again.

I remember looking over at my husband as the credits rolled and my heart swelled so much it could fly free from my chest. Watching the couple in this film's marriage break down over their fertility journey, left me feeling grateful that all my hubs and I have been through has only brought us closer, tighter together and stronger as individuals. It is times like these that I appreciate the Yin and Yang of our hearts and how when one of us feels weak, the other feels strong enough to lift up.

The rest of the evening, I will stay in my pj's and be gentle with myself and think about all of my other sisters on this road. Whether you're still longing for your child or you finally have them in your arms after longing for so many years, I am meeting you right where you are and celebrating how we will never take for granted the gift of motherhood.

I am going away for five days to be with some friends.

Until then, I will meditate on all that came up for me today and be gentle, gentle, gentle...and marinate in all of the encouragement I have been receiving from my sweet MPDT. ; )

reaching out and reaching in*

jen gray, canon digital rebel xti

"I am learning to write and speak of my true feelings for myself,
that's how I can let go sooner and love fuller.

It's a mixture of speaking up and speaking in,
reaching out and reaching in."

~ Sabrina Ward Harrison

I opened her book this morning and this was the first page I flipped to. This quote handwritten on a page dripping with rainbow paints and old photos.

So interesting the ways you can find your voice and what you are trying to express. It doesn't mean any less when the words come from someone else. You can still find your voice there and be inspired to express it in your own unique way.

I found myself on that page.

dancing with your inner child*

I discovered this on Mighty Girl's blog yesterday. It brought me to tears and made me giggle. I think it carries a beautiful message about being in touch with your inner child and celebrating with them as your grown self.

It reminded me to not neglect her when she surfaces from past hurts in certain situations in my present life.

It reminded me to listen to her, love on her...and dance with her.

I absolutely love how this woman gets that and decided to express this in such a creative way!

finding my voice*

me & boho boy dorkin' out, taken by andrea scher

This morning I was sitting in my new little rocker chair near our window (which is three stories above the ground). As I sipped my tea with my eyes closed, I felt the first relief from my headache that I have felt in days. Taking a deep breath I sent out so much gratefulness to all of you for taking time to lend your wonderful home remedies so that I could feel relief. I am amazed at the wealth of knowledge out there from my readers. I am feeling so blessed that I can come to you at times like these and gain wisdom from your experiences. I don't typically get debilitating headaches and what I discovered in all of your responses was that it is a very common thing. So, I am hoping that it was not only helpful to me but to all of the others out there that suffer from these on a regular basis. If it happens again, I now have a plethora of things to try! Boho Boy was totally getting into it too and was so sweet about working on my pressure points with tiger balm and oils. Thank you for this gift.

Now that I have surfaced from that dark place (literally...in my dark indigo walled room with candles lit for three days), I am aware of the positive effects from my new thyroid meds. My sweet doctor has increased the dosage slowly, monitored by blood tests. I feel like the recent dose I am on has made a remarkable difference. Not just physically...but my head fog that I have subtly felt for years now is clearing. I also noticed my emotions are more balanced and my happiness is hitting higher levels of bliss. I'm just blown away by it all.

In fact, the Universe gave me a little gift this morning. As I was rocking in that chair, I looked over towards my new Body & Soul magazine that was sitting on my coffee table and noticed on the front page "No Energy? It could be your thyroid. Learn to spot the signs!". When I grabbed the mag and flipped to that article I saw the words "infertility" right away...among other symptoms listed, of course but my eyes went right to that word (habit, I suppose). In this article it talked about something my doc had mentioned that I wanted to mention here. When most people are tested for their thyroid, they are tested by mainstream doctors for the hormones TSH and T4. When I was tested, my alternative docs checked those levels, as well as my T3 (another thyroid hormone) and it was my T3 that was the most whacked out of the three. The article explains it way better than I am here (check out the May 2008 issue). But for those of you who have felt symptoms and had your thyroid checked and they said it was all fine and dandy, check to see if your T3 was checked as well. It has saved my entire being.

There was a bit towards the end of the article that spoke to me this morning; "some holistic practitioners view low thyroid function as the result of a blocked throat chakra, or feeling like you can't speak your piece." They suggest exploring creative ways to "find your voice", such as singing, writing or creating art. I felt tears come to my eyes when I read this. I've been having dreams lately of singing out loud. I wondered why and now I think I get it.

Now that I am surfacing from all of the muck I have felt over the past four years, I truly am finding my voice. Some of it is old tunes that I have missed and some is totally brand spankin' new and beautiful. I am discovering which places in my business feel like home to me and make me feel like a woman in love with her work. I am making healthy choices in my life that support the direction I want to go with health, vitality, love and relationships.

I suppose I didn't realize what I am doing is finding my voice. I am now recognizing the connections between my thyroid healing, my throat chakra opening and my heart singing a tune that feels right to me.

natural remedy*

tiny victoria daisies, canon digital rebel xti

I've had a gnarly headache for the last few days that won't seem to budge. I feel it halting me at a time when I've got a lot going on.

I would love to hear about some home remedies that have helped you. I am trying not to rely on quick fixes like Advil or Tylenol or others. I've done some deep breathing and going out for fresh air, staying hydrated and such. I know I might have to result to meds but I am curious if any of you have discovered a natural remedy to get rid of these achies.

This is something I don't have a lot of experience with as I am not one to get headaches.

Thank you!

prr kitty*

thea coughlin, canon digital rebel xti

With my model and the post processing, I was trying to capture a 1960's sexy kitten-Brigitte Bardot-ish look here.

I wonder if I pulled it off...

I know, I know...Thea is rockin' gorgeous but even more than that, she is one of the kindest and most loving beings on the planet. Her husband is very very lucky. ; )

It just is...

gorgeous thea, canon digital rebel xti

Wow. I am totally spilling over with gratitude for all the sweet and fabulous comments I received in my previous post. Its like I have this Manifesting Pregnancy Dream Team (MPDT) backing me up and supporting me through this. Some comments brought me to tears and some made me giggle (love the sparkly shoes, girlfriend) and some made me raise my hands up in the air like I just don't care.

This is definitely the kind of support I need and that I am choosing to surround myself with on this journey.

I was having a conversation with my dear friend/beloved pregnancy coach the other day and I noticed she kept saying..."When you get pregnant this and When you are pregnant that". She ended the conversation saying, "When I talk to you about this, I am going to say words as though it IS happening...not what if...not maybe...not "trying"...but it just is." It felt scary and exciting all at once but it was then that I realized, this is the language I speak in regards to my business and my dream home and my travel desires. Why not with this?

So, all this to say it was so fun hearing all of you speak this language with me. It feels right for me right now and I respect and understand deeply that it may not feel right for everyone and at one time it didn't feel right to me and that is just where I was at. It didn't serve me then but it serves me now. It makes sense with the flow of all other desires in my life at this time. I love it. Bring it on.

I adore how Glo said in a comment that my readers are magical and give off such a great vibe. I am inspired by her suggestion of "lets build a village and move there...". It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes "Be the change you want to see in the world" by Gandhi. We can definitely build a village that reaches across the globe by starting to do exactly what Gandhi suggested.

Thank you for these boosts and encouragements, my sweet MPDT.