french kiss

my marmie & me, taken by Suz

My mother is full blooded French and my father is full blooded Portuguese. Both cultures love to kiss. Whenever our families get together you will see us hugging and kissing as we greet one another and even more throughout the day. I had a friend that once told me she never kisses her parents on the mouth, only the cheek. She loved how close and intimate our family was when it came to showing affection. To me it was all I knew growing up around such passionate people.

If any of you gasped at the title...it is in reference to my mother being French. Don't worry...we don't use our tongues! Just a play on words, my friends.

Since my father is so dark and that is usually dominant, my sisters and I appeared darker than my mother. I have the darkest skin and eyes but both of my sister's hair are shades of brown and black. Growing up, we used to tease my beautiful mother about being adopted because she had ivory skin, red hair, freckles and green eyes and none of us looked anything like her.

What is interesting is, as my sisters and I grew older, our cheekbones came through, our faces changed a bit in shape and each of us started resembling our mom in different ways. Now when we're all together it is obvious that it was her womb where we all came from. I still look very much like a female version of my Dad when he was my age but now I also see her face in the mirror.

I am so very proud of my heritage and even more proud that we are all passionate kissers.

photo friday ~ "anger"

my niece kelly, canon digital rebel xt

See other Photo Friday entries for "anger" here.

A close friend shares so eloquently about anger on her most recent post. Read, think, absorb and do give her some love.

letting go

pamela's garden, canon digital rebel xt

I've been a bit quiet lately. Truly sitting with my thoughts and following their lead down to a path were answers are found. How often to we spin through life, not allowing ourselves to slow down and find a sense of clarity to our emotions?

I was talking with a dear friend today about the meaning of "letting go". I heard myself say to her that I feel myself letting go in regards to conceiving our child. Something shifted in that moment. In the past, I may have accepted that answer and kept moving forward in the conversation but today I said to her..."lets talk about what I really mean by letting go."

I still think about being pregnant every day. I still want a baby with all of my being. I still feel emotions stirring when I walk by a mother holding her infant. My husband and I still roll around in the sheets the 3 days I am ovulating. I still meditate and envision our sweet child in our life. I still go to my holistic doctor to get treated for fertility. I still take the herbs and supplements he suggests.

To others, this may seem like I am not really letting go.

What I am letting go of is my need to control the outcome. My mind is no longer set on it happening this one particular month. I am not only eating a special diet to create a healthier womb for a baby but also to have more energy while I play tennis with my husband. My mind is not consumed with fear that it will never happen but is filled with hope that it will...someday. My thoughts are full of my dear new friendships, my family, my business, my creativity.

So, when I say I am letting go...I am not letting go of the desire for a child but I am letting go of controlling the idea of when. This is HUGE for me. It is huge for anyone going through (in)fertility because sometimes in the midst of so much fear, all we have left is our ability to control what is tangible to us. What I realized is that conceiving a child is not a tangible thing to control at a certain point. We (and our doctors) can only do so much and the rest is left up to nature.

This "letting go" to me is something so very spiritual. So difficult to put into words. I cannot really pinpoint a moment or the exact shift within but it has happened and I am relaxing in the quiet peace of it. The hush of no more negative voices of fear.

It will happen. I will be pregnant and I don't need to know when.

photo friday ~ "girl"

my niece kelly, canon digital rebel xt

Better late than never. See more of last weeks Photo Friday entries here.

“In your light I learn how to love.
In your beauty, how to make poems.

You dance inside my chest,
where no one sees you.

but sometimes I do, and that
sight becomes this art.”

~ Rumi

self portrait challenge ~ with someone

boho & boho boy on the beach, canon digital rebel xt

...so you caught us mid lip lock. I must admit, laying in the sand and kissing on the beach is one of my all time favorite extra curricular activities.

My honey is feverish and feeling ill on the couch as I write this, so I am going to shower him with boho love for the next few days. Homemade soup, juice, popsicles, cool packs on his forehead and head rubs.

Please send your blessed energy and good vibes our way so he can get back to being the sexy librarian & web designer that he is.

Thanks sweet bloggie family.

edited to add: we were at the emergency room last night for 5 hours. boho boy has pneumonia. please keep your prayers and healing energy his way.

sunday scribblings ~ instructions

clothes hanging across downtown Angels Camp, canon digital rebel xt

I never really considered myself the domestic type. I didn't really have anyone to practice on. I was on my own well into my early thirties until I got married at 32. Even when I lived with a boyfriend in my late twenties for a good year, we both worked in the city until late at night, so didn't have time to even think about whipping up a gourmet meal for two. We lived on salads with chicken on top, nearly every night and it suited us fine. We both did our own laundry and cleaned our own rooms.

I didn't have the culinary gene that my sisters were blessed with. They were both married by 20 and mothers shortly thereafter, so they didn't really have a choice but to learn quickly. It was so natural for them, so I expected to have that gene as well...but every time I tried, it ended up in the garbage burnt to a crisp or tasting dreadful.

I hated cleaning and doing laundry, was frightened of the kitchen and was a seriously liberated woman. How on earth would I make a man happy in a marriage? He would have to be equally as liberal and have no expectations of me being what society viewed as the "perfect wife". My head was everywhere else but on duties of the home.

It turns out that I was blessed with a man that had been on his own for so long that he knew how to take care of himself. He loved to cook and he constantly said he had no expectations of me. So, we both went our separate ways during the day at work and sometimes at school and I would come home to him whipping up a bit of dinner for two.

Since I quit the corporate world and am now working on my creative business at home, something has been stirring within. I am nesting. I have found myself taking serious pride in my home and how we express ourselves inside of it. I have had urges to learn how to cook and am actually enjoying the creative process in the kitchen. I have figured out the timing in putting a load of laundry in while getting work done until it is finished. When I try a new recipe, I intently watch my husbands expression as he takes his first bite. What is happening to me?!?!?!? Why am I not out on the town having martinis with my girlfriends? Oh, that's right...I am married and I am totally being a domestic goddess and oh my God...enjoying it.

I'll even find myself singing and dancing in the kitchen and saying out loud..."I am so gourmet!".

Oy.

The most beautiful thing through this process is that my husband still does not expect it from me. Because, the minute he did, I would fight it tooth and nail! Funny how that works.

I am doing these things because I want to, not because I have to...and not because I am following an "instruction manual" on how to be a wife.

I am so glad that there isn't one and that I can just go with the flow...and just be me. I am so grateful that I have a husband that also goes with the flow and appreciates all that I do with sweet surprise and never once takes it for granted.

So, perhaps I do have that gene that makes you want to fiercely protect the man you love and the children that come after. Perhaps it is something primal and surfaces when all feels aligned in a relationship.

I am still trying, as a liberal woman, to figure how to balance it all without the assistance of an instruction booklet, "How to be a wife, a mother and a liberated woman".

I do know I am having fun learning and my husband has a huge smile on his face watching.

For more Sunday Scribblings on "instructions"...go here.

edited to add: an update on my father's surgery is in a comment by me in my previous post.

boho daddy

boho's daddy, photo by robin nations

My father had back surgery today. All went well as far as we know...but he is heavily on my heart. When I called him at the hospital, I couldn't help but smile and giggle because even under the influence of pain killers and perhaps shock from surgery, he was still trying to crack jokes. I imagined his shiny apple cheeks and Santa Claus-like belly moving up and down as he laughed at himself.

We have a sweet connection, him and me. I am daddy's little girl...a mirror image of him in feminine form. He's always been one of my biggest fans and has remained open and supportive in regards to all the crazy decisions I've made in my life.

Years ago, when I decided to move from Northern Cali to Texas to bunk up with my best friend, he offered to drive me. We drove for four days and each night when I was asleep in our hotel room, he sat up under a dim light, unbeknownst to me and kept a journal about our journey. He saved all of our receipts and taped them to the pages. He recorded all that had transpired with his beautiful and meticulous handwriting. In between writing down our itinerary, he would share how he felt about me and the woman I was becoming. He later surprised me and handed me the journal, as we said our goodbye's. You can imagine how much emotion was shared in that moment. This has been one of my most treasured gifts and that very act alone says so much about my father's caring and humble character.

He is a wise, gentle, sweet soul and I am so proud to be his daughter.

So while you're drifting off to sleep tonight or perhaps reading this with your morning coffee or tea, please say a prayer for him and a quick recovery.

The world needs boho daddy well. Isn't he the cutest? And yes...he really is that snuggly.

there is a field...

Canadian weeds, Ontario, canon digital rebel xt

"Out beyond ideas of
right doing and wrong doing,
there is a field.
I'll meet you there."

~ Rumi

I'll meet you there. No judgment. No rules. No black or white. Just a place where minds are opened wide and the ability to understand and accept people and ideas outside of our box is natural and welcomed. A place where we all take time to tap into our intellect and think before we react, love before we hate and accept before we judge.

There is a field. I'll meet you there...

self portrait challenge ~ "with someone"

bloggie soul sisters Romina & Boho, canon digital rebel xt

"How you feel only matters to you. It's what you DO to the person you love that counts." ~ Tom Wilkinson to Zach Braff in The Last Kiss

In other words..."Actions speak louder than words", right? We can say we love someone until we are blue in the face but what is most meaningful is how we treat them.

When Carsten and I first started dating, I had some major trust issues when it came to romantic love. I had previously been in a relationship where love was whispered in my ear one day and a few months later that love was full of doubt...again and again, for years. As a result, hearing this person say "I love you" to me became futile.

When Carsten learned about this relationship I had, he knew I would not respond well to those words spoken to me. So he would say..."I am not going to tell you I love you...I will show you." He of course eventually told me he loved me but by the time he did...I actually believed him by what I had seen.

What an epiphany this was for me in my life and all the relationships within it. I now have a deeper awareness of how I treat those I love. I am also more sensitive to how I am treated as well.

"I will show you...".

It seems so simple but when you truly think about it...it's pretty huge, isn't it?

meeting the lovelies

romina & guillermo , canon digital rebel xt

Carsten and I were fortunate enough to spend the day with these lovelies! Romina and her husband Guillermo are such genuine souls. Within minutes, Carsten and I felt as though we'd been with them many times before. They are so very kind and down to earth. People are quick to to fall in love with her from reading her blog and it's easy to fall under a spell with her gorgeous creations. I am telling you...it even gets better in person!

After meeting a few of my bloggie sisters in person recently, I am learning that the deep/intimate connections we create through this blog world spill very naturally into the physical world.

Staring into her gorgeous face was an added bonus, of course...and being able to touch her, hug her and lean up against her as we laughed. Carsten was his usual comedian and at one point she looked at me and said, "You're right...he's really funny." I feel as though I have made a friend for life and that perhaps she's been here all along. I know that is rare...so I am cherishing it.

What a perfect way to end a wonderful birthday weekend.

Speaking of..."The Last Kiss" was an amazing film. The acting was incredible. It dealt with a lot of important relationship issues. Healthy discussions were inspired between Carsten and I following the film. I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it yet. The soundtrack is phenomenal, of course because Zach Braff produced it (he also produced the one for Garden State). In fact, I stayed up last night all hours into the morning watching the musical artist's from this soundtrack perform live from the radio station Indie 103.1 here on this website: rehearsals.com. Do watch them and let me know what you think. Imogen Heap's first song that she sings called "Just Now" rocked my world. I also thought it was tres cool that a musical artist I am quite obsessed with lately, Schuyler Fisk, had her mother (Sissy Spacek) in the studio with her as her back up singer. Check it out.

And here is more of the lovelies:

special day*

boho, canon digital rebel xt

Today I turn 35. I've never been one to be afraid of sharing my age. In fact, back when I was about to turn 30, I could hardly wait to get there. People surrounding me were surprised and shared with me that turning 30 will be sad and depressing when their turn comes. Perhaps they felt that their most exciting years would be spent in their 20's. I suppose I viewed it as another decade to party and suck the marrow out of life. Knowing how excited I was about turning 30, my sweet girlfriends picked me up in Berkeley and drove me to a very empty San Francisco. It was a few days after 9/11 and we were all shocked, sad, depressed, frightened and stunned. My special day was a good excuse for all of us to get out of our heads and not only celebrate me entering into a new decade but come together and share our grief. Each of us were somehow connected to someone closely effected that day. I myself had a few friends that were supposed to be in one of those buildings but circumstances held them back. My boss at the time took United Flight 93 on a weekly basis and when I heard about it coming down, I wasn't sure if she was on it or not. Thank goodness when I finally arrived at work that morning, she called me to let me know she wasn't. When I heard her voice, both of us broke into tears.

So, the eve of my birthday was spent bar after empty bar, huddled with the lonely bartenders and sharing our own stories, crying, laughing, dancing in the quiet streets. I suppose it was our way of peeling ourselves away from the radio and television and paying homage to all that had transpired. We were fumbling and didn't know what else to do.

I lived wild and crazy days in my 20's. My 30's have been more about self exploration, self expression, commitment and learning to speak my truth. In my 20's, I was running, skipping, dancing, leaping through life where as now I am allowing myself to coast a bit more, to soak in what is around me and to pay attention to the lessons each moment can bring.

Today my husband is taking me to see the long awaited movie The Last Kiss. The soundtrack is phenomenal and I continue to hear this movie promises to be as good as Garden State. We'll see...huge shoes to fill there.

I want to thank Nina from The Whole Self for her sweet parcel. Her "Boho Mama" watercolor touched me deeply and so did her handmade packaged tissues that I shall use for happy or sad tears.

Thank you to Cinda from Turquoise Cro for a package full of earthy bohemian tunes for my soul.

I also get to meet the lovely Romina and her adorable husband this weekend while she is in town. The four of us are planning to gather at a pub. Good times will be had indeed.

Whenever my birthday comes, I am reminded of one of my very best frister's wedding anniversary. So, happy anniversary, sweet beautiful Bobbers:


bobbi, canon digital rebel xt

So here I am... going special places, seeing special things, meeting special people on my special day.

edited to add: oh my...i am feeling so loved. thank you to susannah, andrea, letha & Pixie for your bday calls and to la vie en rose & my sis dar for your amazing packages!! i'll get in touch with you all later. we on on our way to the film! xoxoxoxo

clarity

blue jar & bottle, canon digital rebel xt

Yesterday was our third appointment with our new doctor. His office is 1.5 hours north of where we live, so it gives my husband and I a good amount of time to catch up with one another's days and do some bonding. The radio is never on...just us and the background noise of wind through our windows. It is so nice to have this time to reconnect and remember why we are doing this.

I am amazed at how in tune our doctor is with our bodies. He uses Applied Kinesiology and provides us with supplements and herbs to balance out what is not in balance. He has discovered little things here and there within our bodies that have been a hindrance to our journey to conceive. Things that our Western docs never even considered to look into. So, while I am laying there and he is working his magic, I feel completely surrendered to his wisdom, to his gift...and I no longer feel afraid. Where the other doctors have instilled fear within us...he has replaced it with hope, peace and clarity.

During our last appointment, when we were in the waiting room, a woman walked in with a stroller. A newborn was nestled inside. I wondered if my doctor had helped her conceive. Then, when we went in to see him, the first thing he asked was..."Did you see my patient out there with the baby? Her and her husband have been trying for 10 years. She went through countless procedures for years and decided to give me a chance. She conceived a few months later...".

In the waiting room for yesterday's appointment, my husband picked up a thick binder sitting near the reception desk filled with hundreds of his patients testimonies of how they tried everything and then finally, he found the root of the problem and made it all better.

It feels so refreshing to not be afraid any longer.

I am off to meet a new friend I have found on this (in)fertility journey. We're meeting at a cafe downtown. I look forward to listening to her story and giving one another even more hope and clarity on this path of ours.

self portrait challenge ~ "with someone"

amber & me, canon digital rebel xt

Quirky things about my kitty:

She loves chewing on plastic grocery bags.

She sits up like Buddha to lick herself clean.

She only likes fresh dry food (we call it "freshies"). Any dry food that has been in her bowl for more than 24 hours is not considered good enough for her palate. So she eats the food on the top and leaves the rest underneath untouched. When she hears us say..."Amber...here's some freshies!", she comes running as we pour.

She will back her bum up to your face so you will scratch it.

She is obsessed with laser lights. She'll follow the red light all the way up to the middle of the wall.

She loves chewing on lettuce. She'll pull a lettuce leaf out of my salad bowl and crunch on it.

When we do something she doesn't like, she says "Wah!"...never "meowwww" but a short "wah".

She likes to sleep facing me with her head on my pillow laying on her side...ummm...like a human.

She loves to take her paws and pull down a whole roll of toilet paper on the bathroom floor and then chews on it so we find tiny white pieces everywhere.

She likes to watch television...especially hockey.

I have a vintage suitcase full of all colors of raffia ribbon. She likes to pull them out one by one onto the floor and lay on them.

She gets excited when our large water bottle (for drinking water) makes a "blub" sound from air going thru it when we pour. She'll get up really close and stare at the bubbles.

When I come home from a long day, she'll run into the bathroom because she knows that is where I am going.

She fits perfectly in our quirky family.

laughter

me & hubs, canon digital rebel xt

I had to post this because it gives you a sense of how much laughter is in our home. He makes me laugh hard like this all of the time...even when I am in a funk. Often, when we're watching stand up comedians, I will look at him and say..."you could so do that" and he responds "I know". He has such a quick wit about him. I feel honored that rather than standing up on a stage, he reserves his comic relief for his family and friends.

I hope this makes you smile and/or laugh as much as it does me.

the mad ones...

candle color, canon digital rebel xt

This quote was sent to me by Letha long ago. It is very special to me and emulates quite well the people that I surround myself with.

“The only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved, desirous of everything at
the same time, the ones who never yawn or
say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn,
burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles
exploding like spiders across the stars.”

~ Jack Kerouac

Last night when my husband and I decided to turn in, he noticed a plethora of yellow wax that had dripped all over our wooden headboard. I had left a candle on the wall burning earlier that day and now it was no longer sitting on the wall stand but had "exploded like spiders" all across our headboard and the tip of our sheets. I was expecting him to be a bit annoyed since it was on his side of the bed but then he told me he liked the way it looked. I thought about the quote and smiled. Of course he would...he's one of the mad ones and I adore that about him.

peace

in candlelight, canon digital rebel xt

I woke up this morning to grey skies and a bit of a chill running through my studio. Some might be a bit depressed by this but I am so grateful. I long for Fall...my favorite time of year. I love to snuggle in scarves and comfy sweaters. I crave the cool, crisp breeze brushing up against my face. When I lived in Berkeley, it was the dream climate for me. Overcast in the mornings and evenings and the sun peering through the clouds during the middle of the day. I lived in a tiny box of a studio apartment at the top of a Victorian home. My place was an attic long ago. I found that so charming. In the mornings with my hands gripping a mug and the steam of java misting my face, I would stand and stretch tall to see the golden gate bridge through the top of my window. It was hardly a spec but I still felt honored that I could watch the morning fog drift from this lovely red structure.

The last few days I have felt such a peace about this journey of mine. The kind of peace I would feel those mornings in Berkeley. Last week there was a bit of a hiccup as you all know and I was concerned that it would send me spiraling down into darkness again. Then an angel came to visit me and with her gentle superhero powers, lifted me up and gave me wings to fly. Not only me actually, but Carsten too. He was blessed by her presence and encouraged that we will hold our own babe soon.

I have heard myself say to my family and friends in the past "I know I'll be pregnant", but I think it was my own way of trying to convince myself in the midst of serious doubt. I must say that when I speak those very words now, I mean it with such comforting certainty. I am even having dreams about being pregnant...actually feeling the babe in my womb.

The wonderful shift that has transpired is that I am no longer attached to "when" this will happen. When going through those fertility procedures, so much was invested (financially, spiritually, emotionally) that if it didn't happen that particular month, it was so devastating. Now that we are back on the road of holistic/homeopathic, my attachment to timing is being replaced with a hope that it will happen when my body is healthy and my baby is ready to come into our life. I know so many loved one's told me this but we all know that it takes time to believe such things.

Now I get to pour my energies into my up and coming online boutique. Through my depression this past year, it was difficult to gather energy to create beautiful things for my boutique. But my energy is back and I am flooded with ideas on how to express, through my creations, the messages of hope I want to share with my potential customers. If all goes as planned, I should open my store by November 1st. There is much to catch up on. There will be necklaces, prints of my pastel drawings, as well as prints of some of my photography. T-shirts will come shortly thereafter but may not be ready by November.

I am now going to focus with the hopes that the peace I am feeling will be interwoven throughout my creations.

cure for the icks

new shoesies, canon digital rebel, xt

I think I found a cure for the icks. I've been fighting a crazy bronchitis buggie that has me beat. I have felt a bit down about it the last few days because I have so much to do before my store opens November 1st and this is getting in the way right now when I should be kicking some serious Boho butt.

My husband knew exactly what to do to cheer me up. I've been wanting these shoes for quite some time, not only because they're adorable and comfy but I really dig what the company stands for. So, he surprised me with an early birthday present (it's on the 15th).

They even go cute with my pajamas. Thanks honey.

self portrait challenge ~ "with someone"

superhero & boho, canon digital rebel xt

Here is this month's first installment of a photo of me "with someone" that is very special to me. Andrea has been an incredible support and comrade on this journey of mine. So here we are, side by side being our very own Superhero's.

She is so full of life and such an inspiration. I have some amazing women in my life that I surround myself with. These women are rich with lessons to teach and are also open to be teachable. Andrea is definitely one of them. Our sharings are deep and introspective with some goofy in between.

One of the many gifts I have learned from our friendship is how to listen and give (or not give) advice. To truly be "with" someone in their pain rather than try to fix it for them. To allow people to be heard, ask questions, nod and just be with them. Most of the time, that is all we need.

And I must say...doesn't her divine necklace look good enough to eat?

Find other special someone's here.

time spent with a superhero

andrea scher in mid-air, canon digital rebel xt

I just spent a few days basking in the warm, sisterly and comfy presence of my lovely friend, Andrea. Not only does she bring a splash of color to our worlds through her fabulous jewels but she also brings color (and sparkles) to each moment I am with her.

We have walked closely together on this journey to conceive and although she is now on another path of impending motherhood, I still feel as though our roads are side by side. She has not forgotten the longing she once felt to be pregnant, so it was very natural for her to meet me where I was.

It felt so sweet to touch her belly, to feel her babe moving about and to share thoughts about impending parenthood. It was the first time that I have been near a pregnant woman without feeling the fear that it won't happen to me. On the contrary, I found myself feeling quite confident that it will happen...and perhaps soon! It is such a wonderful feeling to feel so inspired not only by her journey but by so many other aspects of who she is.

So, for that extraordinary shift in perspective within my soul and the rest of the yumminess that her and I shared, I am so grateful for our time together.

Magical things do indeed happen when spending time with a Superhero.