home

boho boy & me, canon digital rebel xti (taken by Chrissy)

he is home to me.

gentle angels

chrissy & me, taken by boho boy, canon digital rebel xti

I just need to say that I am so very grateful for my angel-friends out there. The ones that get me even when I don't get myself. The ones that take me gently by the hand and help me find my wisdom. The ones that realize how very tender and sacred this journey of mine is and with that understanding, hold it with gentle loving care.

I stumble and you help me pick myself up. I close up and you remind me to remain open. I get angry and you tell me that is okay. I weep and you weep with me. I dance and you dance with me but you don't expect me to always dance. You sit near me when I am tired of dancing.

Thank you for reminding me that I am brave. That I am open. That I have guts. That I am closer to my dreams. That my wisdom and truth are within me. That it is okay to protect my heart when something doesn't feel right.

This journey is not just about meeting my sweet baby at the end. It is about all these gifts along the way. It's about the growth, the change, the heart wrenching, heart soothing stuff that will make me the person I want to be. Not just the mother I want to be...but the wife, the sister, the daughter, the friend, the whole person.

Thank you...sweet, gentle angels.

ps. speaking of angels...you can find Chrissy's art/illustrations throughout Sylvia Browne's Book of Angels. her art is breathtaking.

my own voice

katie & nolan, canon digital rebel xti

The last few days I have realized that bit by bit...I have allowed the practitioners on this journey of mine to take some power away from me. I have allowed their reactions, their opinions, their idea of statistics or perhaps even their moods on that particular day dictate how I feel about my body and how it is working. When really...if I hushed those voices and listened to my own voice down deep within, I would hear the truth. The truth is my body is beautiful. It is fertile. It is abundant and it will grow life. I am not a statistic. I am a woman. I am a fertile woman. Down deep in my gut I have always known this but when someone else doesn't feel so sure, I have let them take this knowing away from me.

I am learning some tools to help me maintain this knowing. I am doing some deep digging into my heart and allowing myself to feel again. To be in touch. Even with the pain. The pain I was afraid of and wanted to keep quiet.

Someone very wise said to me today..."The opposite of pain is not pleasure...it is numbness."

I don't want to be numb. Even if it means embracing the sadness. The sadness isn't bad. It is part of the longing I have for our child which is beautiful and just means I am alive. And being alive means I am one step closer on the path to where my baby will meet me. Which is good. So good.

where to go next...

little girl on beach, canon digital rebel XTi

This morning I was drawn towards this portrait I took of a little girl that was at my friends wedding last weekend. I didn't know her except for a few hello's and asking if I could follow her around with my camera. She didn't mind.

This morning I felt like I resonated so much with this moment I captured. I remember her holding onto this rock everywhere she went. It was heavy but she held it close and carefully. She was looking out at the water and wondering if she should toss it in, taking a chance to watch it float or sink...or perhaps she should keep it with her. A tough decision with something you hold so close to your heart and was such a treasure at first but then you begin to feel the weight of its heaviness.

I have felt like this the last few days with my journey to conceive. First I want to thank each and every one of you for leaving such sweet, sensitive, careful and kind words on my previous post. I am so grateful that my readers, my friends have come to know that in times like these it isn't really advice that I need but just tenderness, love, affirmations, encouragement and tons of tons of pom poms to cheer me on. I notice these things...and it has become an integral part of my growth and my strength. Thank you.

For about 10 months now, since I went to my holistic doctor which we now call McMiracle, I have felt so incredibly certain and positive that we were exactly where we needed to be. His treatments were something intriguing and new and allowed us to open our minds, as well as empower us to live organically and healthier. When we first arrived, we heard and read countless stories about couples that have conceived under his treatments in a few months. These were couples that were once told they either would never conceive or it was extremely difficult. Wow...I felt so much hope. Along with the new diet, supplements and herbs he gave us, I also began to put into practice the Law of Attraction, learning that our thoughts truly navigate our lives and emotions. I've just been in a really solid place. Even on the days when I started my cycle, I felt sad but never lost hope.

Prior to this doctor we had been at a Western fertility clinic for about 5 months where I was put on hormones and we did a few insemination's. I couldn't quite put my finger on why but each time I would leave an appointment I felt full of panic, stress, anxiety and fear. We would walk into his office feeling good about some results only to be told..."yes you are normal, but at the low end of normal." Ummm...whatever...we're NORMAL dude...can't we just leave it at that? The line between normal and abnormal is just scary and I know not all clinics work under such limitations but we just happen to go to one, unbeknownst to us until after the fact. There are plenty of other clinics that are gentler and have much more open policies but we were naive to this at the time.

So...it has been a long, long time since I have felt that kind of fear down deep in my gut. 10 months to be exact. Especially the last 5 months or so when my doctor has said that my body is totally ready and healthy to receive a baby.

During my appointment last week, the day I wrote my previous blog post, something shifted. I walked in feeling pretty raw and emotional to begin with. I had spent the whole 1.5 hour drive crying to get it out so that when I arrived I wouldn't shed tears during the visit. I have never really cried in front of my doctor. I never felt like I needed to because I felt so at peace in his presence and he gave me so much hope. He is a very funny guy and what we mostly do is laugh while I am laying on his table getting a treatment. Well, this day there was no laughing. I was laying there quietly, trying not to cry. I think he picked up on my energy because he got quiet as well. I am at the point in my cycle where I could or could not be pregnant and he has ways of testing to see if I might be. It is not a traditional test. It is muscle testing with me holding a vial in my hand. A lot of what he does is different and I have let go of questioning them and just trusted, with faith that he knows what he is doing. I mean, he clearly has a gift based on all these miracles. The night prior, I had eaten a few things that I am not supposed to eat for my blood type. Cashews, pumpkin seeds and an avocado. He was testing me for cashews and then had this look on his face, very perplexed and I heard him say to the nurse that is sitting there with a notepad..."left fallopian tube, right fallopian tube...and right ovary." I asked him if it is showing up that I am pregnant and he said..."no and I am not sure why...your tubes and ovary are off." I grit my teeth and the tears spilled. I couldn't control them and I just let it out. He looked at me in shock (which surprised me...because he just told me something not so fresh) and handed me some tissues. He tried to make a joke but it wasn't funny. I laid there feeling so vulnerable and uncomfortable. I couldn't stop crying as he continued to treat me. He didn't give me much hope like he usually does. He looked more perplexed than hopeful. The only thing he said was..."you need to mentally detox". I wanted to physically push him when he said that but I just walked out of his office to pay up at the reception desk.

On my drive home I realized what I needed him to do was stop what he was doing and let me sit up and TALK to me. I felt for the first time a bit unsafe with him. I also felt confused for the first time. How could my fallopian tubes and ovaries be PERFECT a few weeks ago and today they are all shit because of cashews?!?!?!

Following the blood type diet was something I could control...with a journey that feels so out of control for me. Going to this particular doctor helped me to let go a bit more because there were no specific treatments that needed to be "timed" or thousands of dollars going into one cycle. I felt less pressure, less stressed, which allowed me more time to focus on my business and other life loves.

Laying there, for the first time, I questioned the whole idea of the diet helping us to conceive...and that scared the crap out of me. It scared me because it left me with feelings of...where do I go now, what do we do next, are we on our own again?

We are not quitters and we are very in tune with our hearts. I don't want to turn away from all of this because I am feeling an emotional upheaval. I know I need to take time to decipher if these emotions are suppose to be here...to lead us to another path or if I am just freaking out because of pms hormones. ; ) I do feel great on this diet and for months have felt so in tune with and full of faith for my doctor but why the sudden shift?

I am making an appointment with my acupuncturist to talk to her about this. I am also making an appointment with a therapist that counsels couples going through (in)fertility. We don't want to make any rash decisions. I love my doctor. I do...but it has been 10 months and the miracle hasn't happened for us like it has for all his other patients. I am grateful that he lead us to the diet, that he helped us feel fertile and perhaps he still will in the months to come but something shifted and I am trying to figure out what it is.

So, I am sort of in a weird place. Feeling a loss of control again. Not sure if I want to toss the rock into the ocean or keep it near me. I don't feel like I know anything else in this moment about our journey except that I want to be a mother and have a child with my husband. Everything else related to this journey is so confusing right now.

Perhaps knowing I want to have a child is enough for now. No decisions need to be made yet. A friend told me yesterday that my husband and I are always tapped into our hearts and so far...our hearts haven't stirred us wrong about what to do, where to go next.

Stay. Go. Take a break. Take another path. Go to another doc. Stick with just acupuncture, yoga and diet. Stay with current doc. We're taking some time to figure all of these elements out.

Another friend told me that she envisioned me connecting deeply with Mother Earth. Laying down on my belly onto Her heart and connecting with the belly of nature. More than anything...this feels right and within reach.

Again...I truly appreciate your gentleness with advice giving and am open to just simple love, affirmations, encouragment and the occasional pom pom if inspired.

what is it like?

i'm hurting
cried hard into my pillow this morning
then gazing up to our indigo ceiling
asked for what i wanted so deeply

i want our baby
with our big sparkly eyes
and gentle ways

yesterday i was standing at the post office
a beautiful couple stood near me with their baby
he looked at me with his big blue eyes and curly hair

i couldn't stop starring
neither could he
i felt the longing so deep
so primal

but i looked away and took a deep breath
this morning, when all was quiet in our home
i searched some blogs because i don't have time to do that any more
and found out a blogger is pregnant

i was happy for them, so happy
then i shut my laptop and cried
i saw that baby's face again
with his big blue eyes and curly hair

it hurts. it hurts. it hurts
deep ache
deep moan within

my life is blessed
with an extraordinary husband
loving and committed friends
an unbelievably cool family
and a blossoming career
and more...so much more

these blessings keep me distracted
but i never forget
it's always lingering...that pain

that longing
that primal need to feel a baby growing in my womb
what is it like?
does it flutter, does it swirl?
what is it like to smell the skin of a tiny human being
that was created by pure uninhibited love?

i will know
this is what i tell myself...every day
does the spirit of my baby hear me crying?
do they know how much we love him/her?
do they know how much they are wanted?

it hurts. it hurts. it hurts.
must.
let.
tears.
fall.

yesterday i felt on top of the world
today it hurts.

such is the ebb and flow of life,
i suppose.

beat your drums
light a candle
play your guitar
hum a song
dance in swirls
burn your sage
and say a prayer, make a wish,
for our future baby.

thank you...

making time

my lunch today: brown rice tortilla wraps (avocado, sprouts, turkey, mozzarella,
mustard, olive oil with red pepper pesto dip on the side), canon digital rebel XTi

Lately the days feel so quick and short. Not enough time in them to do all I need or want. Last week I was consumed with my friends wedding and this week I find myself consumed with deadlines for a few projects.

I feel a bit off balance and as a result feel short tempered. I snapped at my husband last night when all he was trying to do was help me solve a software issue that was freaking me out. He deals with situations like that so much better than I do. If he snapped at me when I was trying to help him, it would probably bring on tears or I might snap back. He, on the other hand, quietly turned his chair around and said..."I am just trying to help" in a really calm, centered voice. The silence after his sweetness lingered and about an hour later, when I was ready, I climbed into his lap and explained where my head was.

Part of it is hormonal but most of it is that I have neglected some things the last few weeks that are so very important to me feeling balanced. Exercising for one and connecting deeply with my tribe. I've been spinning and I am in a place of trying to stay centered in the midst of all this stuff coming at me.

One thing I feel has definitely altered in my life after doing the Master Cleanse is that I always make time to nourish my body with food no matter how busy I am. Usually, when I was so busy like this, I would go hours not eating never realizing why I have such a bad headache or feel so lethargic. I am listening closer to the signals and not rushing through making a meal. I am also trying to chew my food slower. Not only do I digest it better but the energy sustains me.

I am struggling though with how to maintain the raw food diet as much as I'd like with how busy I have been. So much of the raw food diet is the preparation. Sometimes it takes up to 8 hours in advance with soaking and dehydrating. I haven't eaten completely raw in a week and my body is craving it. So, for dinner I will attempt to make raw sushi from this recipe book. The ingredients are in my purse and off to the store I go soon.

I am in awe of the people that can do this diet everyday in the midst of their busy lives.

Funny though, when I think about all the stuff in my life that is creating this busy-ness, it is actually stuff I have asked for. Stuff that I have intentionally dreamed about and wanted.

I am so grateful for it all and now I am asking for balance and the ability to make time for everything that is close to my heart.

two hands

matty & suz, canon digital rebel XTi

"No human relation gives one possession in another,
every two souls are absolutely different.

In friendship or in love,
the two side by side raise hands together,
to find what one cannot reach alone."

~ Kahlil Gibran

I've come from four days of an overwhelming amount of delicious emotions. My body is tired but my heart is full. To witness one of my oldest and dearest friends do something we've dreamed and talked about for years (mostly over pink drinks or cozying up on the couch with wine) was other~worldly.

She was an island goddess divine...and he was so handsome and in love. The ceremony was absolutely perfect...and so them.

This is all I can say for now as I want to sit quietly today and marinate in the memories.

Here are a few of many of my favorite moments captured...


Suzi...the yummy bride, Canon Cigital Rebel XTi


Christina...Bridesmaid Bettie, Canon Digital Rebel XTi


Christina & Suz, Canon Digital Rebel XTi


Suzi & Me (another Bridesmaid Bettie), Canon Digital Rebel XTi,
taken by Boho Boy


Cousins & Friends, Canon Digital Rebel XTi


Matty & Suz, Canon Digital Rebel XTi



Boho Boy & Brian, Canon Digital Rebel XTi


Suz & Matty, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

"...the two side by side raise hands together..."

oh the joy

new dress, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

A few things that are adding some joy...

Empire waist Summer dresses & shirts...so flattering!

My sweet new camera and lens. I placed it next to my other companion in my studio so they can get acquainted. Can't have favorites as my first one brought me blessings and magic. Yes...my camera's have feelings.

Knowing my marmie will never stop being my marmie...even though I'm all grown up (well, sort of).

My cool goddess friend Leonie in SARK's new book.

Getting more brave with raw recipes (making alfredo sauce out of cashews and garlic over julienned zucchini...yum).

The idea of slow food (no more fasties in my bellies).

An upcoming photo shoot with a mermaid that dances in vintage cowgirl boots and a dress.

Suzi's getting hitched this Saturday...so the next three days will be about mani's/pedi's at a tropical spa, a huge gathering at a pub, vows in the sand near crashing waves and the sound of Boho Boy and his bongo drums. I'll share pics when ready!

Until then...do something wild, whimsical & free and report back here to share the joy.

the boho momma

boho boy's mom & older brother, circa 1968

Mother's day shouldn't just be one day. It should be every day.

Look at this raving beauty. The true boho momma. She wore baby carrier's long before they were hip and in style. Perhaps she started the trend.

I stare at this photograph often and that is why I chose it to honor her. I want to crawl inside and stroll down this sidewalk with her. Something tells me we would do a lot of laughing. She is wearing a smirk on her face here that I often have on mine.

Birgit Kroon is her name...formerly known as Birgit Boelcke.

When her son and I first became serious, I had a longing to get to know her. There is something about the mother/son connection that runs so deep and I wanted to reassure her that I would take good care of his heart. Since she lived in Canada, I didn't have the luxury of stopping by for tea or wine, so I started with emails. We exchanged long emails, back and forth during the months leading up to our first encounter. A sweet friendship developed through our words and it was the foundation of our mother/daughter relationship to this day. Since I tend to be shy sometimes in person, I was grateful for those exchanges. It is easier for me at times to express myself with writing and I chose to be completely raw and open with her. Boho Boy wasn't sure how his mother would respond to my brave spillings and was pleased to see her equally sharing herself with me in return. Our friendship blossomed and we learned we had a lot of interests in common. A few things in particular is our passion for interior design and having a unique style with our clothing and accessories! So fun to share and I get all of her interior design mags when she's finished! Thanks, mom. ; )

She's a fascinating woman. Each time I am with her I gather the wisdom she so freely shares and tuck it away in my heart.

She was born and raised in Hamburg, Germany and in her twenties, moved across the globe all by herself to be a nanny. Even though, since then, she has lived away from her home town, she carries her native culture with pride. I hope someday that we can travel to Germany with her, as Boho Boy did every summer growing up, so that I can see her face light up as she shares the world of her childhood.

Every time we go to visit her in Canada, she has a plethora of German friends that stop by to break some bread and see the "California kids" (as she calls us). It is so fun to see her in her element, speaking the language and feeding us German cuisine...and lots of wine. Always lots of wine.

I often get lost in her big, kind, beautiful blue eyes...and her enveloping hugs. It has been a rough year with her husband passing. They had a creative, wild and adventurous marriage living in a home that could have been a museum. There were people always over for intellectual conversation. Monkey bones boiling on the stove. Archaeological digs to plan. Art to create. A kiln in the backyard to fill. You know...the usual.

Her world is more quiet now. Her strength and resilience is something to watch and learn from. What I love most is that she's taking this time to nurture herself and her body...and surrounding herself with the love of friends and family.

We will be out in Canada in July for Leonard's wake. I miss her. It's hard being away from her during this time. I know she's a pillar but I wonder how many times her blue eyes fill with tears and I wish I could be there to hold her and listen...if she felt up to sharing. Otherwise, I would just sit there in silence and share wine, with no expectations.

I also want to know if she still has that yummy coat she's wearing in the photograph above somewhere in her closet. She must know I am coveting this. ; )

Birgit on their dock, mid seventies

quietness

me a few minutes ago, canon digital rebel xt

i know i have been absent but life is goodness and i am sitting quietly with it right now.

i'm studying, photographing, discovering new melodies, browsing my friends new boutiques, making love, laughing until i have asthma, learning how to *uncook* raw foods, writing, reading a novel about witches and warlocks falling in love, preparing for my friends upcoming nuptials, getting blond highlights and more layers, blending smoothies with spinach, getting acupuncture, burning fertility incense, listening to Boho Boy play guitar, thinking of my french marmie and my german mom...today on mother's day.

i'm here. i am definitely present. in fact i feel so present that it is causing me to listen more closely to my body, my emotions, my dreams and i just feel quiet as i absorb it all.

perhaps it will all tumble out into words soon but for now, it is swirling within me. there is something about paying close attention and being quiet that goes hand in hand.

Buddhists teach us this "quietness".

a cool gig

swirly reflection, canon digital rebel xt

I got a photo gig taking pictures of my acupuncturists new spa, as well as her staff for her upcoming website. Last night Boho Boy and I had the pleasure of going into this zen retreat after hours, with only one person there. We became intimate with the room quite quickly. In the dim light, we gathered all the candles and lit each one of them, moved furniture around from room to room, crouched on the floor, climbed ladders...you name it. They had pictures taken before but they were bright and it wasn't at all the vibe one feels when walking in. This place is very dark and candle lit. The ambiance is moody and puts you in a trance. I am hoping we captured this. I will show you some when they're ready. The picture above is the last picture taken...just for you because I thought this mirror behind the reception desk was pretty cool. Although, it's hard to look cute and cozy with a tripod.

The one staff member that was still lingering around in her office was a therapist. She counsels couples that are struggling with fertility. I think it is absolutely wonderful that my acupuncturist has created a place where one can walk in to make an appointment for not only acupuncture but massage, as well as therapy. Each room is full of cushy couches with lush silk pillows, orchids, funky dark furniture from all around the world and of course...candles.

I took a few portraits of the therapist for their website. She doesn't like having her picture taken so it was fun seeing her laugh and relax and transition into confidence. I thought she was gorgeous and has such a welcoming spirit about her. A spirit that said..."talk to me, I am here, I understand". My acupuncturist had told me a bit of her story a while back. This woman had struggled with fertility for years. Her and her husband tried everything and they came to the point where they both accepted this journey. I believe they adopted. Her heart went out to all the couples that have gone through what they have, so she decided to dedicate her life to creating a safe place for couples to be *real* in her office and then guide them to a place of peace. I thought about how difficult it would be to see a therapist that had struggled with fertility but then got pregnant. I think it would shift things. There is something about sharing this journey that is different when talking to someone still struggling compared to someone who no longer is. This woman has a gift and she seems so very at peace that her struggles and acceptance will help thousands of others move through their pain.

She very gently asked me a bit about my story once she realized I wasn't just a hired photographer but also a client. It was interesting because I quickly said "we're in such a good place" and then she got this twinkle in her eye. A twinkle that told me she knew there were so many more layers than I was willing to share in that moment. I laughed and told her I needed to hold myself together for this photo shoot and she put up her hand with a huge smile on her face and said..."I totally get it."

I might make an appointment to see her even though it scares the living hell out of me. Although giggling about girly stuff while taking her portrait might have moved us into a different level of relationship than therapist and client. ; )

an angel on the beach

catherine, canon digital rebel xt

I met this beautiful old woman this past Friday when taking my camera to the beach. I heard there were big swells. The news told us that the surf was high and dangerous. I just had to see it. By the time I got there, it was a bit more calm than I'd hoped for. As I was crouching near the cliffs, trying to capture the lovely swells, this woman walked up to me and asked..."What is so special about your camera?"

It startled me because I was totally in a zone. When I stood up to face her, I saw a pure gentleness and curiosity in her eyes and immediately felt safe to share with her. We talked a bit about my camera, the lens and its functions. She was a sponge and had this very youthful excitement about it all. She charmed me. We ended up sitting on a bench for over an hour. It started with her telling me she had lived near these waters for 60 plus years. She talked about the various developments around the beach that have changed through the years. How her $11,000 home is now worth over a million. That she walks these neighborhoods every day and meets someone new each time. She loves people. They fascinate her. Called them the "brass rings of life". She asked me all about my life, my marriage, my career. She was in her mid eighties and was sharper than most her age. Her wisdom spilled so easily from her, so comfortably. She shared that she knows many wealthy people, some famous that live in the area. With this information, she also shared that the more money they had, the more unhappy they were. Her point was that money is not true happiness. That the people that own these gigantic mansions by the water are never in them because they're working too hard to appreciate them.

This comforted me. Perhaps she was indirectly reaffirming that she was proud that I made the decision to leave a larger income in the corporate world to start a business here at home. Whatever it was, it felt good. I don't even know this woman and for some reason her opinion of me mattered. Almost as if she was a grandmother figure.

I took a few portraits of her and she made me promise to send her some prints.

As we said our goodbyes, she stood before me and stroked her hands down my arms, then cupped both of her hands around my face. She said that I should tell my husband that she thinks he is the smartest man in the world for knowing what he had in me. She kissed both of my cheeks and told me I was special. A tear formed in my eye and I hugged her, thanking her for being such a gift.

I watched her walk up a steep hill towards her house. My heart was filled with warmth. I had chills. I stood and watched her until she vanished around the corner. Tears fell down my cheeks. Was she an angel sent to bless me with affirmations?

As I walked back to my car, I felt grateful that she never once asked me if my husband and I had children. It is almost as if she knew and wanted to help me focus on my other blessings. My marriage, my career, my relationships.

She left me with her address. I will send her a sweet little package soon. Including a few portraits of her beautiful gracefully aging face.

off to find myself again...

carey on a mountain top, canon digital rebel xt

i'm feeling a bit down and restless. today i am going to take my stack of books on photography and lighting and go to my favorite coffee house by the sea.

i attached this picture of carey because it embodies what i am searching to feel today. that peace, strength and inner power that flows from within and out into the world.

today i feel a bit stuck, bored and numb. this usually means i have been indoors too much...which i have. i always feel intellectually stimulated when going to this coffee house by the sea. there are a plethora of bohemians studying, drawing, sketching, reading, emailing, chatting. it's full of life and good vibrations.

they also have the most delicious steamed scrambled eggs (steamed with an espresso machine) with feta cheese. that adds a bit of a draw as well. ; )

then perhaps a walk on the beach afterwards will reconnect me to Mother Nature and here i will find myself again.

shiny happy people

shayna, canon digital rebel xt

I am in love with people that can live with joy so abundantly. Shayna is one of those people.

My yummy friend Schmoops sent me this link yesterday. If any of you live in or near San Francisco or Berkeley, I think you'd definitely find some joy at Cafe Gratitude.

I've watched this cool video of the owners of this cafe over and over. Their philosophy rocks my world. How I wish all cafes and restaurants were like this. I even emailed the owners asking them to build one where I live! I would totally work there part time.

I love how they say "we are the creators of our experience". So true.

Shiny happy people are the best.