unravelling beauty*

looking out, 8x8 print by Susannah

One of my dearest friends in the Universe is having an Autumn special offer on her delicious prints through October 9th. Do check out her Unravelling boutique. I promise you that you'll swoon and drool.

She has a way of capturing magic and bringing you to a dreamy state of mind with her gorgeous images and writings. I am planning on designing a room in my home with the photo above as a focal point and inspiration.

I just have to pimp her a little bit more by sharing that she was mentioned in the uber-cool design blog decor8. So fun.

She's been such a strength and pillar in my life and her English ways are definitely rubbing off on me. Now if I could just get her gorgeous accent right without sounding like Dick Van Dyke in Marry Poppins. ; )

self portrait challenge ~ bathroom

self portrait in my bathroom, canon digital rebel xti

I am taking this self portrait challenge opportunity to do a shameless plug for my favorite skin care product (yes, i was being sarcastic in that second pose). I took these photos a few minutes ago right out of the showa'.

I heart Mario Badescu. I even love saying his name.

My friend Letha introduced me to this product when I was visiting her in Seattle and I've been hooked every since. I couldn't believe how soft, clean and smooth my skin felt (my hubs loves it too), so I purchased a few products. A few months later, I was hanging out with my friend Stacie and noticed her skin looked and felt so soft that I wanted to pet her (and of course, i did). I asked this kitten what she used and she said Mario! No way. Prrrr kitty.

When my mom came to visit a few weeks ago, she tried it out and ended up ordering a whole face line. So girlies...and gents too, I promise you you'll dig this stuff. It's like butter.

Since this month's challenge is about the bathroom and this is the last one, I wanted to talk about something that I cherish in the bathroom every day. The time after my shower is such a sacred one for me. I do whatever I can to eat well and replenish my body with water and taking care of my skin is part of that yummy package.

If I am really crazy about something, I make sure to share the love here on my blog. I've never been one to go wild about skin care products but this one is too good to keep quiet.

Try the seaweed stuff. You'll feel like a mermaid (or merman).

me & my ladder*

me & my ladder at a photo gig, taken by boho boy

i needed a ladder,
to look down at my subjects.
that angle is so flattering and whimsical.
like angels are looking down on my beauties,
and i capture this connection.

i didn't want a medal ladder.
a typical home store one.
i wanted something unique.
so i imagined it and waited for it to come.

my husband moved to a new school.
he found a ladder in the art room garbage.
it was petite...just like me.
it was splashed with paint.
someone painted "step ladder", on the steps.
my husband phoned me;
"I have a surprise for you."

he brought it home,
my face lit up.
my ladder found me.
i wished it into being.
now i take it with me everywhere,
to look down on my beauties,
and capture what the angels see.

she said i had six angels,
watching over me.
one of them brought this ladder to me.

a trip back to calmness*

me at cafe gratitude in berkeley, taken by andrea with my camera

The trend over the last few years has been that I typically need a few days to recover emotionally in the aftermath of a doctor visit. I think since I am a glass half full kind of gal, I always go into these appointments with hope that me and my doc will be somewhat in sync about what is best for my body. Even though its been my experience that this isn't the case, I still carry hope.

My gyno is in her earliest stages of pregnancy and I sensed yesterday that she was not in the best of places physically and mentally. She walked in looking dazed and confused and out of breath. Being the empath that I am, I immediately picked up on the fact that she'd much rather be in bed curled up in her pajamas eating a huge bowl of ice cream with salted crackers on the side than dealing with a patient.

I won't divulge all the unnecessary details but in a nutshell, she told me I have stage 2 endometriosis. There are 4 stages. So, this is a good thing. She showed me the before and after pictures of my lovely pink insides. That was a bit shocking to look at. My poor ovaries have been suffocating for a few years and now they're perfectly white and free. Yay.

The bummer part was that when she was finished showing me the pictures, she asked me a question that blew me completely away. "So, are you trying to conceive right now because if you're not, I suggest you take the birth control pill which will suppress the endo returning."

*record scratch*

It was then that I realized she didn't remember who I was. She had forgotten our story of trying to conceive for three...yes three years. I realize being one of the top gyno's in the city means you have far too many patients to deal with but I would think you would keep special note of tender emotional heart wrenching cases like ours.

I had to repeat the journey details and while nodding with a blank look on her face, proceeded to tell me that if we don't conceive in 6 months, I should go back to a fertility specialist and take hormones and do treatments because I'm "not getting any younger" and la la la. Here we go with the statistics again. Wow...okay, well...been there, done that...time to go. buh bye.

It's the same insensitive routine they all get into and I realize this is to be expected with traditional medicine. My expectations were a bit too high this time, I suppose. I wanted her to come in with excitement that my womb is all pretty in pink and tell me to have a blast with my hubs before getting into the doom and gloom, you know? I wanted her to ask me what I am comfortable doing as far as treatment at this point and that is when I was going to tell her about all the alternative treatments I am researching. I imagined it was going to be a mini-celebration of sorts that we are in a sense starting over and our chances have increased ten-fold. Rather, she wanted to do her part in instilling fear in me by putting a pin in my hope balloon.

So, I came home, emailed some of my darling friends to vent and cried on the phone with my husband. Well, cried the rest of the day, really...and just let my disappointment flow through me. It takes time for me to bounce back from these sort of things but I always do.

The last few months I have been protecting myself from outside influences such as this but in this case, I had to have surgery and knew I would be opening myself up to a more narrow minded way of thinking again.

I'm okay though. Today I am in a much better place. I've come so far, too far to let this all filter into my heart deeply. It was another opportunity for me to bring out all the tools I've learned to center myself again and remember that I am way more intimate with my body than a gyno that sees me once a year for a check-up. I am grateful that she used her gift to get rid of stuff that needn't be inside me and did a damn good job of it.

I took some time later that night to read back on all the juicy post-endo surgery pregnancy stories you all left for me in my comments a few blog posts ago. I then allowed myself a day today of taking down all the magical books that have taught me much wisdom about this journey. I replenished my cells with this delicious "I Am Healthy" water all day. I breathed deeply. I lit candles. I listened quietly. I teamed up with my body again and we both are tuning out my grumpy hormonal gyno and tuning into what feels right.

Tonight I had an angel reading over the phone with a very gentle and gifted soul. We had scheduled this session long before I knew that it would be following my post-op appointment. I felt so loved and cared for with divine timing. The reading confirmed so much of what I believe in my heart. It was full of awe, joyful tears, gasps, chills, comfort, healing and a wrapping around me of so much love. Ahhhhhh....breathing in the truth again.

I often don't like photographs that other people take of me but this one above brings me peace. I know its a bit blurry because I had moved but I like how she captured a calmness that is living in my heart these days. People have been noticing this about me and I feel it truly shows here. Thank you, A.

moving forward...

taken this weekend before a wedding, canon digital rebel xti

The camera almost caught him making his daily "meep" face to make me laugh (in the first pic).

Boho Boy's mother and her best friend were in town this weekend for a family friend's wedding. I've done more in the past few days than I have in the three weeks post surgery. In fact, today is my post-op appointment when I find out all the juicy details of what went on when I was down under. Feeling a little scared, a little excited and a little geeked about the gory details.

We're so ready to move forward. I'm reading the Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips book by Kris Carr and I must say, her journey is inspiring me yet again to get into eating more raw and exercising on a regular basis. I love how she is taking her life in her own hands and making whatever steps necessary to heal her body. Andrea phoned me to let me know she had just met Kris Carr at the bookstore and I could hear in her voice the same jazzed inspiration that I feel reading her through her book. Especially the nutrition section. I like how Kris simplifies everything and at the same time, does it with humor. There are so many diets out there that it can get so overwhelming and confusing but she lays out some pretty simple steps. I recommend anyone to get this book who is on a challenging health journey or has a loved one who is on one.

Aside from all that, I had a wonderful time bonding with the "lovely ladies" this weekend. It was so fun seeing his mom relaxed and mellowed out and having some serious girly time. Her best friend is a professional dancer and she was twirling me around at the wedding and at our home, showing me some moves. It's inspired me to take a salsa class with the hubs...if I can get him away from work.

Remember I wrote a post about wanting to be a dancer? She said I was a natural and I giggled at the Universe confirming ever so gently that I need to get my booty groovin'.

I need to be a bit more patient with my healing than I have been but as soon as I am feeling back to normal post surgery, I'm moving forward with an even groovier health plan.

girls will be girls...

sus & me in seattle, canon digital rebel xt

Sus is going to torture me when she sees this but hey...girls will be girls in the bathroom and my life has felt so damn serious lately, I needed to post some fun!

I thought this was quite apropos for this month's Self Portrait Challenge of portraits in the bathroom (washroom, restroom, loo...).

Oh and for some green fun, don't forget the one day global event, PARK(ing) Day tomorrow, Friday the 21st. Very important, very cool and very refreshing. Check out what Ben has to say about the PARKcycle designed by the awesome dudes at Rebar.

i had a dream...

Zsuzsanna at her home in San Francisco, canon digital rebel xti

I was working in my studio today and a song called "Dream" by Priscilla Ahn came on. It halted me. I turned it up, listening closely to her chords and her lyrics. I closed my eyes and imagined myself singing it on a stage or to a group of close friends. Tears fell down my cheeks, unexpectedly.

I feel this emotional about dreams tucked away inside me that I have yet to do. Playing the guitar religiously is one of them and so is dancing professionally. With hardly any training, I am a good dancer and was told this when I was young. I was in modern dance years ago and wanted to do ballet until one of my instructors told me I was too short. The most I did after that was cheerleading and took belly dancing classes. I met a ballerina once in my twenties. She was my height and told me my instructor was wrong. I wonder how different my life would have been had I not listened to her.

With all this, I know I have lived many of my wild dreams and I am so grateful for this. My photography, my art, my marriage, friendship circles...but I always get those pangs when I hear a song that moves me or see a dance that gives me chills. You know that pang down deep in your belly. When you imagine yourself doing the same thing and you feel the crazy messy emotions tied to it well up inside of you.

I know there is still time and today I was reminded of that. Sometimes I feel myself holding back from picking up the guitar or taking a dance class (although I do twirl around at random). Not only is time an issue but more importantly, it brings up sad emotions of me not taking those risks years ago. I feel like I am too old or too busy. This can't be true. I know it is not true and I am working on reprogramming those thoughts.

Speaking of people who live their dreams, my lovely friend Zsuzsanna (above) is one of them. Born and raised in Hungary, she came out to America about 7 years ago when we met at the company we worked for in San Francisco. I saw a passion in her that was unstoppable and since she has always tapped into what she loves and dreams of. One dream in particular was going to Italy and staying with some locals with a girlfriend. She rode around on a motor cycle on her wedding day. She found the perfect Victorian house in San Francisco. She landed her dream job at a creative company. She makes her dreams a reality. An inspiration to me and a friend my thoughts went to when thinking of this concept. Love you and your dreamy self Zsu!

one of my favorite pics of me and zsu

What is a life without dreaming and yearning for those dreams to come true? Daring yourself to make them happen?

What are your dreams...

magical day*

sweet giftie from McMermaid on my doorstep, canon digital rebel xti

My birthday was a magical one. I've noticed that as the years press on, I am less excited about my birthday. It has nothing to do with getting older. I've never been one to freak out about that. When many of my friends were leery about turning 30, I wanted to shout it to the world. I had heard from so many of my hero's that in your thirties, somehow your experiences make you more comfortable in your skin, so I was ready for that. Now that I am 36, I can say that is indeed true....but I have noticed that I no longer crave the idea of a party or gifts or making a big deal about it.

After this birthday, that just might change! It was magical...from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep. It felt good to celebrate my entrance into the world and as time went on that day, it wasn't just about that. It became more about what this whole year has been about for me. It was a time to reflect on all I've gone through and the wisdom I've gained. This time last year, I was frightened after months of fertility treatments not working and I was just about to embark on a holistic path to healing. Wow...so much has transpired and I am grateful for every morsel of it. Because today, I am a more calm, at peace me. I am more in touch with my body and I am in love with taking care of it, knowing I have so much more to learn.

I woke up to Boho Boy bringing me what we call "special drink". It is a creamy yerba mate tea blend with chocolate almond milk (did your mouth just water?). He then put a HUGE brown Anthropologie box on my lap. You can imagine my grin became too huge. Us girlies like big brown Anthropologie boxes...because that means either one huge yummy thing or many yummies inside. ; )

It was a gorgeous floral silk lined coat. When I tried it on, it wasn't a perfect fit, so he decided to take me back to the store after breakfast to switch it out (oh darn). We usually get water delivered to our doorstep, so he asked me if I could bring one in (wink, wink). When I peeked outside, I saw a bundle of colorful, painted rocks laid out on our doorstep. My heart swooned. I sat down in front of them so I could read each one carefully. Tears welled up in my eyes. Sweet McCabe drove 30 minutes this morning to leave this beautifully thoughtful gift for me full of all the affirmations my heart needed to hear. She had conspired with Boho Boy in secret. I felt an overwhelming amount of love and care for our friendship. She sprinkled her magic on my doorstep and that magic lasted the remainder of the day.

I had many birthday songs and sweet messages in my voicemail box and lovely packages from sweet dear friends and family. Boho Boy hung out on the couch at Anthropologie reading books while I salivated all over their clothes. This was the coat I chose! We browsed through bookstores, ate a scrummy salad, loaded up on health food and then he took me on a go-cart ride around the new gorgeous Spanish style school he works at. We then dropped the food off at home and drove up to the mountains to stargaze when it became dark. Snuggling up to him on the blanket and starring at the stars was dreamy. It was quiet and peaceful and surreal. Its been too long since I've done this and yes...two falling stars had my wishes.

I didn't realize how much I've needed this time to reconnect with him. I've been in a bit of a daze following the surgery and he has been working around the clock on websites and databases. We really missed one another and my birthday was the perfect excuse to fill our love cups.

This week I am feeling better but still not yet myself. I am having a hard time knowing when I push it too hard until its too late. I am trying to pace myself but I like to be on the go, so perhaps have not been as patient as I should be. Another lesson in taking gentle care of my body and listening to its signals.

Oh...and speaking of magic, thank you to everyone who left a comment for Grayson in my last post and/or left a message on his carepage. It is making the WORLD of difference. He is back in the hospital not feeling well, so if you're inspired, keep sending your love. Thank you so very much.

Grayson*

tammy & grayson

My dear friend Tammy is in need of some serious superpower prayers and healing vibes from my blogging posse. She does not have a blog herself but does read some of ours and may start one someday soon. She works in the adoption field and has been known to gift the birth moms with delicious Superhero necklaces (which means she's so one of us!).

Her amazing son Grayson is in the hospital getting treatment (one of more than 30 times) and it can be frightening and not at all fun for him and his family. Tammy had reached out to me yesterday asking me for prayer and I thought why not ask my sweet blog family to circle around Grayson and his family during this time of need?

You all did this for my nephew last Christmas while he was in intensive care and he is now a walking miracle.

Grayson was an incredibly healthy active 10 year old when he suddenly became ill at Fall States (year round swim meet). He was admitted to the hospital, started bleeding internally, needed blood transfusion and had to be urgently transferred to a larger pediatric hospital. After 12 days in the hospital and a blood transfusion, he was diagnosed with severe ulcerative colitis. He has been hospitalized about 30 times over the last 2 1/2 years. He takes meds that suppress his immune system and will most likely for the rest of his life. He has a port surgically sewn into his chest so that he can receive his meds more directly. The medication he receives every other month to keep him from bleeding in his colon is a chemo type drug with sometimes debilitating side effects. He faces long term liver issues, growth issues, cancer issues, chronic anemia, osteopenia, the list goes on and on, too long. He is having one of those treatments as I write this.

He is an amazing kid with an incredible heart. He still continues to swim and is a state champion! He also continues to get A's in school even though at times this disease is terribly painful. He is a hero and has gone through more pain in 2 years than most people go through in a lifetime. Tammy says he never complains and he appreciates life so much more than the typical 7th grader. During treatments, it is difficult to be away from his father and sisters Emily & Ally but thank goodness Tammy can be there by his side 24/7.


grayson with his sisters ally (left) and emmy (right)



My heart goes out to Tammy and her husband during this time as they don't get much sleep and try to be so strong for him but its hard to see their baby with a needle in his chest for a few days. I cannot imagine.


tammy & her husband bob

Grayson's family had created a care page for him a while back where people can get updates and leave healing messages. Tammy said she reads these to him during his treatments and he loves them and they lift him up. I have my own password to get into these pages but I thought I'd create one for all of you to enter in and give him some love if you are inspired to do so.

Go to carepages.com
membername: blogfamily
password: grayrocks

You will be asked to enter a care page name: it is graysondavis
You will be brought to a homepage, click on the green button "visit the care page".

It is here where you can look at his photos and leave messages on his message board. Tammy is reading these to him as I write this.

You can also of course leave a comment here and she will read those to him as well. Make sure you leave where you're from so that he knows people all over the world think he rocks.

Thank you in advance for your sweet love and support of my dear friend and her family.

stargazing*

stars hanging in letha's home, canon digital rebel xti

My husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday tomorrow and I told him I would like to go stargazing. What I love about him and our connection is that he didn't even question what I meant or ask me why. He just got it.

It's been far too long since I've laid down to look at the stars. I mean really gaze at them. That's all I want tomorrow. A blanket at the beach or a park and a dark star-filled sky snuggled up against boho boy.

To connect with mother nature and God.
To be reminded how awesome our Universe is.
To hold the hand of my husband and try to find the constellations.
(or perhaps even name some of our own)

I've been longing for simplicity and with these new beginnings birthing around me, I'd love to marinate in a simpler way of being.

love & magic*

dancing mermaid & schmoopy at mermie's magical cottage, canon digital rebel xti

Can you feel the love and magic in these photos?

This is how I felt about all your juicy comments and stories yesterday. Thank you for taking time to share them and to help shift my focus yet again.

I feel the sexy roar resurfacing. I am grateful for your circling and reminding me of my inner strength and power.

Last night at Bingo, Sylvia won the last prize. "What am I going to do with a mermaid? she asked. "Learn to swim in the murkiest water; reinvent yourself, " the mermaid said. ~ The Persistence of Yellow by Monique Duvall

Here's to reinventing myself in murky waters...

Roar.

accept but not define...

the view from where i rest, canon digital rebel xti

When I read through my nicely put together post-op folder that the nurses handed me after surgery, I was a bit surprised at the part that said one of the possible side effects of this surgery is depression and crying.

I remember reading that at the time when all I could think about was getting through each hour without a lot of pain and being relieved that this surgery is over and feeling hopeful that my new journey was beginning. I couldn't imagine getting weepy and depressed. I felt beyond those feelings that I had suffered for so long. I have felt beyond those feelings for quite some time.

Until yesterday.

I think it started happening when I was doing research on endometriosis yesterday morning. To be honest, I haven't really focused on that bit of this whole experience. I just knew the doctor was 98% sure I had endo and this laparoscopy surgery would prove that and if she did see it, she would get rid of it all. So, in a sense, I felt like...well, even if I do have it, by the time I wake up it will be gone. So I'll wipe my hands of it and move on, right?

Well...not so much.

The research told me it was a chronic disease. That it never really goes away. That there is a good chance it will all grow back and if we want to conceive, we better get on the ball for the next 6-9 months post surgery. Even though I was only looking at holistic websites on endometriosis, it still listed all these herbs and foods and drinks I should be consuming to keep my immune system strong because my immune system being whacked out is the whole reason endometriosis grows all over my organs.

Even though a few years ago, I had read up on endometriosis during our quest to conceive and knew it could be a slight possibility, I never really thought I had it because I didn't have symptoms like so many do. Since I didn't have any symptoms, my doctors never really focused on this as a possibility. I had regular periods, ovulated each month, hormones were normal, etc. etc. I did have pain each month but I didn't think it was out of this world pain like I read those with endo have. The only way you can find out if you have it, is to have this particular surgery and we all just avoided it, not thinking it was necessary.

Three years later in our quest to conceive, I have a very painful month and in warp speed, did the ultrasounds, MRI's and this surgery to all confirm that all these years, I indeed have had this.

It's so new to me. I am trying to become familiar with it enough to acknowledge that it is part of my life but not enough that it controls me. I can feel myself spiraling into a doubtful abyss after reading all that I've read. The internet and all its information can be a blessing and a curse.

I want to be one of those miracles that conceive a healthy baby post surgery and has a healthy pregnancy. I want to take on the Kris Carr "Crazy Sexy Cancer" attitude and walk into this fists first with a "Crazy Sexy Endo" attitude.

I know I'll get there.

But today I feel a welling of fear and doubt. I feel an annoying black cloud trying its best to hover above me and block the clear sunshiny view of my world.

Over the next few days, after I let these emotions flow through me, I'd like to wake up and tackle this. Do whatever it takes to build up my immune system and rock the world of endo and not be one of their statistics.

I do still believe that no matter what, I will indeed be a mother. Our decision to adopt has brought us much comfort but it has not taken away that longing to conceive a child together.

If any of you have any glorious endo stories of family and friends that were still able to conceive healthy babies, please leave them here if you have a moment. I'd love to invite you to help me get to that positive, graceful place. I am also open to alternative healing therapies you are aware of.

I want to accept that I have this chronic disease but not allow it to define the outcome of my life.

lovely links*

self portrait, canon digital rebel xti

Needing to rest from surgery has given me an excuse to indulge in some good old fashioned window shopping throughout internet land. Wait...does that not make it old fashioned since its the internet?

Anyways, thought I'd share some of the gorgeous garments and things I am drooling over. We're trying to be good little boho bankers and not spend much right now but hey...perhaps you can buy it for yourselves and at least I'll know these things are being loved and admired by someone I love and admire...

This coat. (Boho Boy laughs at my huge collection of various vintage style coats over the years. We live in a warm climate for goodness sake but I just know we'll live somewhere cold someday! I have a total coat fetish)
This sweater jacket.
This dreamy print and custom photo charm. (by my talented friend Thea)
These boots. (Can't you just imagine wearing these with a flowy dress running in a field? )
These chucks.
This sweater tunic.
This ethereal print. (by my talented friend Susannah)
This camera strap.
This umbrella.
These superhero gems. (by my sweet bud Andrea)
These comfy pants.
This chandelier.
This yoga mat bag.
Having her take our photograph in a field of flowers.
One of my friend Sarah's necklaces (cannot choose...love them all).

This romantic nightgown. (my sister just emailed me to let me know she bought this for my bday coming up. isn't that magic? wearing this will make me feel like i am curling up with my sisters in bed...just like a Jane Austen novel)

Speaking of Jane Austen...this film was wonderful. I watched it alone a few days before my surgery and it has not yet left my mind.

companions*

amber, me & elvis, taken by boho boy, canon digital rebel xti

this is who i am spending most of my time with these days.
my two angels, nurses and cuddle bugs...
(and boho boy, of course...but he's behind the lens).

feeling the love*

mcmermie, me & schmoops, early august, canon digital rebel xti

I am lying here propped up in the flowy princess bed in the studio with dragonfly lights hanging, candles burning and zen music playing. I have learned that this is how my body can relax the most. I finally have a few moments where I feel capable of sharing a bit of what has transpired over the last few days.

First I want to say how cute was it that my husband posted a few days ago? Adorable. I know he felt really grateful for all the love, prayers and warm thoughts sent our way and wanted to make sure you all knew he was thinking of you too and that nothing was taken for granted.

My marmie left yesterday morning. I missed her as soon as she walked out the door. It's been a difficult month for my parents since their dog passed away and I was grateful that she still gave of herself during a time when most people want/need to be selfish. She was a red-headed love bucket and such a calming presence for me.

My husband had a crazy work week with deadlines that would keep him up late, so my mother's company and help was greatly needed and looking back, I am not sure what we would have done without her.

It was such a comfort to have her by my side in the hospital leading up to surgery. I was calm on the outside but on the inside I was all butterflies. This was the first time for me, so you can imagine. I did end up having little angels for staff that morning. The nurses were loving and attentive during the two hour prep. They made me giggle when I needed to. They were affectionate, rubbing my back and stroking my arms when talking with me. They kept telling me how shiny and lovely my hair was. I mean the last thing I expected to feel going into surgery was beautiful but they worked their magic! My mother was so impressed with how everything went so smoothly and how kind and attentive everyone was. I couldn't have asked for a better experience in that sense.

Like everyone I am sure, I was doubtful that the anesthesia would work! I am a light sleeper and cannot imagine being that far gone. But oh how quickly I drifted off into the land of feeling good. That is until I woke up a few hours later in a ton of pain and totally out of sorts. My marmie was by my side and later my husband was able to leave work and be right there in his shirt and tie looking all gorgeous. The nurses winked at me when they met him. Meds were running through my veins. Life was good again.

So the cysts and endometriosis has been removed throughout my reproductive organs. The dye that was put through my tubes went through perfectly, which tells us that my fallopian tubes are flowing with love! I still have yet to talk to my doctor about exactly where the endometriosis all was but something tells me it was in bits and pieces everywhere because I feel so raw and tender. I still am unable to sit up straight but the meds are keeping the aches under control. I had a few minor complications here at home but it is all okay now and the healing has begun.

I've been taken such good care of by my angel marmie and boho boy. They have fully supported my need to rest, rest rest and be gentle. I find myself feeling guilty when others are taking care of me but I know that this is also for a greater purpose and its not just about me.

I am taking this sacred time to catch up on some books, films, writing, phone dates and dreaming. I am really loving the book "Detox for Life: Purify Mind, Body & Soul" by Josephine Collins.

I feel really empowered and at peace now that this step is over with. I have been through a cleansing process spiritually, mentally and now physically. I am/we are beginning on a new and more enlightened path to taking care of ourselves as individuals, as well as, completing our family.

What's cool is that I feel my close friends, family and sweet readers are walking along this path with us. We felt your spirits, your prayers, your whispers, your creative expressions all flow into the hospital, the surgery and in our home this past week. The power of community blows my mind and I am certain that I am healing faster because of this.

Definitely feeling the love.

message from boho boy

This is just to let everyone know that Boho Girl is sleeping, resting and doing fine. Her marmie and me are taking good care of her. The surgery went well. Thanks for all your love and support. It means a lot to us.

love, boho boy

(In)fertility is my Guru

dancing, leaping me, taken by schmoopy ~ canon digital rebel xti

The story of Kris Carr and her documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer has struck a deep, deep chord within me. This particular chord is one that creates beautiful melodies when others gather to play a symphony. This symphony calls to all those that are survivors and are willing to do whatever it takes to heal their bodies, minds and souls.

"Whatever it takes" to me means thinking outside of the box. Outside of the statistics that are often given to us about our diagnosis...whatever that may be. It can mean not accepting the gloomy outcome your doctors may throw at you and going on a quest to get answers from non traditional healers. It means gaining more clarity about how our bodies work and understanding how to nourish them ourselves. It's doing your own research and learning how to heal parts of yourself without relying on someone else to do it for you.

I am not a statistic...I am a person.
I refuse to be placed into a box of hormone levels and antral follicle counts.
I am a potential miracle...unexplained.

When Kris Carr said "Cancer is my Guru", it resonated so deep. It was an aha moment for me. She was no longer focusing on her cancer as something that could potentially take her from this earth but she saw it as an opportunity for growth, to feel more alive than she has ever felt, to meet amazing people she may never have met otherwise, to get intimate with her body and take the most precious care of it she ever has. And of course...so much more.

I wholeheartedly embrace this attitude. I really do. Tears flowed as I watched her journey unfold because what she was doing validated so much of what my husband and I have been doing on our quest to have a child.

I am not comparing a diagnosis of cancer with the diagnosis of (in)fertility. It's not the diagnosis that is the point. It is the decision of what one does with a diagnosis. Do we let it kill us inside or do we fight it with all of our heart, mind and soul and do whatever it takes to reverse it? Whatever it takes.

And if by chance, with all that you try and it still doesn't bring you what you want so badly, will you embrace the gifts that this journey has given you regardless? Will you regret the quest or will you feel more whole and alive as a person and be grateful for the path you were led on? The adventure that changed your whole perspective on life? This has been the very key for me. This has been the shift. This gratefulness has allowed me to loosen my grasp more and more each day.

(In)fertility is my guru.

It has taught me to focus on the now and not the tomorrow.
It has made me more intimate with my body.
It has empowered me to take steps to heal myself.
It has brought me to the deepest, darkest places and the brightest, highest of highs.
It has taught me to guard my heart and create boundaries with outside influences.
It has introduced me to the most amazing people on similar journey's.
It has taught me how to be a friend...and what type of friends I need in my life.
It has taught me how to breathe deep.
It has taught me how to stretch further.
It has taught me how to love my body and that we are a team, not enemies.
It has taught me how to dance with abandon.
It has taught me how to face my biggest fears.
It has taught me that what I want may not always be what I need.
It has taught me how to listen to what my body has to say...truly listen.
It has taught me that whole organic foods is also medicine.
It has taught me how to love deeper, wider and more fiercely.

With all this beauty...it sucks sometimes. It really hurts. So I know even as I write this, tomorrow I might feel that longing for a baby and crumble to the floor and cry. I'll let it out. I'll pound my fists into my pillow. I am not glorifying (in)fertility. The pain is real and raw and it hurts. But I have learned to welcome the pain because I know what is on the other side. On the other side is a me who eventually gets up, wipes her tears and feels more wise, more strong than the me that crumbled to the floor.

On Tuesday I am going into surgery. I will have a cyst taken off of each ovary, as well as endometrial tissue burned off wherever they find it in and around my reproductive organs. I am also having dye poured into my fallopian tubes to make sure they are not damaged or blocked by the growth of endometrial tissue. I am nervous because I have only been under anesthesia once before but I am also excited to move forward and get this over with.

When I wake up, I will have my mother (she's visiting) and my husband by my side and a clean and fertile womb. I will be resting over the next week while my sweet marmie pampers me.

While I am resting, I will prepare for another crazy sexy journey to our boho baby. Is it weird that I feel excited?

elvis has a new girlfriend...

elvis & boho barbie, canon digital rebel xti

This is for Jen. ; )