self portrait challenge ~ resolutions

taken by boho boy, canon digital rebel xt

i'm a little worry flower and i would really love to learn how to tone it down this year. this awareness of my blossoming worry flower within always helps me to recognize it in the moment and i try to work through it with breathing and positive thoughts. i mean, i don't just worry about myself, i worry about my loved ones, my tribe, our precious mother earth, our government, etc.

don't get me wrong. i am not sitting curled up on my couch in constant worry of all around me. i usually go about my days in somewhat of a calm but this is when i internalize a lot and it manifests itself in my tight knotted shoulders. i am learning to transform my worry into trust or just realizing that worry doesn't help an issue as much action does.

meditation and yoga does help and perhaps writing down my worries and then transforming those worries to something positive on paper.

sharing it all here is a start.

sunday scribblings ~ chronicles

my blessing ring necklace, canon digital rebel xt

I thought that this weeks Sunday Scribblings prompt "Chronicles" was very fitting for what I was about to share with you all this weekend. As you know, the name of my blog is Chronicles of Me and I chose that name because I knew this place would become a record of my thoughts and feelings through this journey of mine. A place where years from now I can reflect on to see the growth, the lessons, the dreams, the tears, the connections and the gentle reminder of who I am.

I've always had journals and diaries but I would have never thought to start a blog until Leonie came into my life. I met her on SARK's marvelous message board (aka the MMB). When I first moved to Southern California and wasn't yet connecting with anyone, I thought that this message board would be a great way to meet like-minded spirits that perhaps lived in my area. Leonie and I immediately connected (although she was on the opposite side of the globe) and through our friendship, she inspired me to begin a blog. I remember those few phone calls where she had to teach me the in's and out's of the techie side of blogging (and yes...she has the most fricken adorable accent ever). When Leonie learned I was struggling with fertility, she lead me to Andrea's blog. Andrea was the first person I had heard of that was also struggling with fertility and I wrote her an email sharing my story. Her and I became fast soul sisters and she inspired me to write about my journey to conceive. I saw how healing it was for her and I decided to take that brave leap and let it all out there. Through this medium, I have also connected deeply with other amazing women going through this journey. The support and understanding I've received from them as we walk this path together just awes me and has truly given me that extra boost I've needed to press on with my chin up.

Many of you that are new readers or even old readers have asked me what our full story is. I will give you the condensed version (well perhaps not so condensed...sorry).

My hubs and I were married in August, 2004 and decided to begin trying for a baby immediately. We had been together for a few years and we both felt stoked about bringing a love baby into our love bubble. After 6 months of me taking my temperature, charting and yet no baby boho, I decided to go to an acupuncturist in the area that is well known for helping women conceive. I went to her for 9 months. I've never been a fan of needles, so I had no idea how I would feel about this but she was tender and loving and I hardly felt a thing! I hear that is rare...so I was blessed. The rooms are always dark and candlelit with zen music playing and I get a massage front and back in between treatments. LOVELY I tell you! After 5 months of acupuncture, we decided to go to a fertility specialist and have tests done. All our test came back normal (whatever that is), although always on the cusp of normal...but normal, nonetheless. We then decided to go on clomid for three months. Since I was already ovulating, this was supposed to help me drop more than one egg for a better chance. After three months on clomid, we did two Intrauterine Injections (IUI...formally known as artificial insemination), while still doing acupuncture. This was a challenge for us financially because our insurance doesn't pay a lick of anything fertility related. When the two IUI's didn't work, we were emotionally exhausted and frightened. Our doctor at that time was less than enthusiastic about anything and in a way, instilled fear in us that just didn't feel peaceful or right.

My childhood friend had told me about a doctor that was 1.5 hours north of us that was full of miracles. He had helped her conceive when she was having issues with her health for a long while. I had heard he was very positive and forward thinking. He was also homeopathic. So, we took the risk of the long drives and made an appointment. When sitting in the waiting room, we picked up a binder with story after story of how he helped couples conceive that were told they never could. When we met him, he sat with us knee to knee, intently listening and helping to open our minds to a new positive perspective. He gave us a gift that day of learning to listen closer to our bodies and its needs. He has never stopped giving us so much hope. Each treatment he does muscle testing and acupressure, as well as adjustments to make our organs "happy" he calls it. He has found the kinks in our systems and has smoothed them over. We discovered that our adrenal glands were off which can mess with hormones. Also that I am allergic to Carsten's saliva down yonder, which we were using as a lubricant each time. I also have an auto-immune issue in my uterus that fights off anything foreign that comes in, which could be sperm or a fertilized egg...and of course, the saliva. When we discovered this it was HUGE and made sense to why nothing has worked thus far. So, I am taking herbal pills and supplements that has helped cure the auto-immune issue. We also have been put on the blood type diet and feel wonderful. He has me on wild yam because my progesterone was a bit low after ovulation. We also purchased a computerized fertility monitor thingy which has helped us discover that I've been ovulating later than we thought. I took a few months off from acupuncture for financial reasons and am now back seeing her twice a month starting in January. She just recently sent me home with two blessing rings that I am wearing around my neck. One says "Baby" and the other "Mother". I am wearing it in the picture above. This necklace is now my talisman to carry close to me on this journey.

As crazy as all this is, I am truly not as consumed as I used to be. I am thrilled about my business and creating those opportunities for my life. And looking back, if I would have conceived when we first started trying, I am not quite sure I would be where I am today career wise. So for this, I am trusting and letting go more and more.

But yes...I have my tough days and I will lay that down here in my journal when needed. I always am grateful during those times when you lift me up out of the darkness with your love and light...without judgement.

So, there it is folks!!! Now that you know all the fun technical details...you are truly along for the ride during these Chronicles of Me.

into the softness

me, canon digital rebel xt

today i sat myself on my bed,
flopped my back down into the softness
and let the tears fall.
because i had to. i was tired of holding it all together.
holding that tightness within my chest,
and down in my belly aching for release.

someone told me today that it was okay to cry.
that crying doesn't mean i don't believe it will happen.
even though i am the first to tell someone to let their tears flow,
i sometimes am afraid to do it myself.
afraid that tears are always attached to lack of faith or hope.
but they're not.
they are just releasing the well within,
leaving more room for goodness.

so i laid back and i cried,
wiped my tears and
smeared them on my pretty skirt.

i watched the emotionally soaked fabric dry,
until i was ready to sit back up,
and go about my day with less fear
and more embrace.

self portrait challenge {new years resolution #3}

mirror portrait, canon digital rebel xt

My third New Years resolution, or dream, or goal or manifestation for my life is to wholeheartedly pursue my photography.

I'm hooked. I've birthed a new lens baby. I'm an addict. Soon I will be sitting in a circle of other photography obsessives saying "Hello, my name is Boho"...."Hi boho".

I cannot seem to walk anywhere without seeing the potential photograph and wanting to dig my camera out of my bag and start clicking. Life just seems like one huge canvas to me now where I can paint pretty pictures with my lens.

I've just launched my new photography website designed by Boho Boy:

Boho Photography

I am anticipating this journey...


me in my parents bathroom over the holidays,
canon digital rebel xt

sunday scribblings ~ {fantasy}

boho boy and his cuteness, canon digital rebel xt

When I was a teenager, my best friend and I used to watch the mini-series Anne of Green Gables religiously. We resonated with the whimsical and passionate character of Anne and loved to be taken away on her adventures. I had a fantasy for years to marry someone like Anne's best guy friend and love interest "Gilbert Blythe". Many times my friend and I would sigh at his adorable Canadian accent. The way he said "sorry Anne" with a British twist in his tone. There was something about it that felt so familiar and would give me chills. I used to lay down and imagine walks on the bridge with Gilbert and dancing the waltz in a field of flowers with him. He had a pureness about him that was alluring to me. What I adored most about him was that he loved Anne for years and was patient with her realizing that she loved him all along too.

Fast forward 15 years. I am sitting on the couch and my husband is near me in the kitchen. I hear the word "sorry" come out of his mouth and it hits me. I married Gilbert Blythe times ten. I am not quite sure why it had never hit me before. The spirit that attracted me to the character of Gilbert lives and breathes in my husband. Besides the fact that he's Canadian and has the yummy accent! Who would have known back then that my fantasy would manifest itself into a true blue human being that is Boho Boy.

Fantasies are powerful. Our dreams are powerful. I believe they are there to guide us on our life's journey. Sometimes we are living our lives not even realizing that those dreams and fantasies have come to fruition. Sometimes it takes just opening our eyes a bit wider or in this case...your ears!

lessons through the grief

bits of my workspace, canon digital rebel xt

We just arrived home. We're both sort of drifting throughout our day today. It still all feels so surreal and we often check in with ourselves to make sure it is a reality. Losing a parent is perhaps something you can never fully comprehend, nor are we trying to.

Last night before laying our heads to sleep, we watched Grey's Anatomy. There was a scene where one of the character's and his family surrounded their father's bedside at the hospital to say goodbye. They released him of his tubes and turned off the machines and waited for his last breath. The scene was intense with quiet and fumbling emotion. I looked over at my husband and saw his tears fall and my heart ached. This is something he wanted to do. He wanted to be by his father's side in the hospital to say goodbye but there wasn't enough time. We both know that his father wouldn't have wanted this. He wouldn't want to be remembered that way. The last time we saw Leonard, he was waving at us enthusiastically as we drove away. A pipe in one hand, his floppy gray hair blowing in the wind and a smile that spoke volumes of his pride for his son. Now that is more like it.

Being with his mother and in the presence of his father's things this past week was healing for him...and for me. I caught my husband lifting a pipe to his nose and breathing in that familiar smell so many times. We brought some home, along with a few jackets and shirts to hold to our chest and smell if needed.

There was a moment when I walked outside to get their mail. A few of their friends across the street waved at me...even though they had never met me or knew who I was. It brought comfort to me. Grieving brings people together like that. Even strangers. The wind picked up as I headed to the mailbox. It was a warm wind and the leaves blew up in a circle around me. I felt Leonard in that moment. Chills covered my body and a peace came over me. He was being playful with the leaves, reminding me not to be sad because he is truly joyful where he is. I came inside and plopped down on the couch and cried with my husband. Our tears a mixture of longing and letting go.

When going through Leonard's workspace, I saw many jewelry design bits as that was one of his passions. I felt inspired. The artist that was within him will now manifest itself within my husband, within me and our future boho babes.

After we arrived home last night, I went upstairs and stood in front of my workspace for a while. As I traced my fingers across the colorful gems I thought of my father-in law and imagined him smiling, urging me to never stop creating whether it be with jewelry, pastels, photography or whatever breathes life into me.

You know...even though he is not with us physically, we feel him so close. We hear him and we're listening. There are so many lessons through the grief.

Leonard Kroon {update}

Leonard in his late twenties

Boho Boy's father, Leonard Kroon, passed away this morning.

We received the phone call from his mother while we were near a beach. I knew the outcome by the look on my husbands face. I wanted to wrap my whole self around him but I gave him the time he needed on the phone and just rubbed his back. The first thing he wanted to do when he got off of the phone was to go down to the ocean. So we did. We sat up against the sand and watched the waves come in and out of shore. Tears would come and go along with the waves as we shared memories and emotions. We felt his spirit with us.

Leonard was 83. He married Carsten's mother, Birgit when he was in his forties and her in her twenties. As I said in my previous post, he was a musician, artist, antique dealer, anthropologist and archeologist. Quite the interesting fellow. In fact, what won Birgit's heart over was when they were on a drive for a picnic, he told her he had a friend in his trunk after she had heard some noise coming from the back of the car. She laughed and didn't believe him. So, they got out and as he opened the trunk and lifted up a blanket, there was a box. In that box was a skeleton. He told her that someone had found the bones while digging up land for a house and had asked him to do research on them. Right then and there she knew she would marry this man. When they had Jon-Erik, then Carsten, their life was full of adventures, digs and treasures. Their house looked like an archeological museum and still does to this day. He was like a Canadian Indiana Jones!

I am so blessed that I had a few years to get to know him. He always called me dear. "Hello dear", he would greet me with. While sitting on the beach today I thought one of my fondest memories with him. We were sitting on the porch in Canada, just him and I alone for the first time. We were going through old civil war letters he had found and he told me some interesting stories. We had an intimate talk about his sons and he told me how very happy he was that Carsten and I were married. He smoked his corn cob pipe. I sipped my wine and the breeze danced in our hair while the sun went down. I knew in that moment that this feeling would stay with me my whole life and comfort me when he was gone from this earth. I was right.

Death is odd. The reality of it all comes in waves. We will miss him so much. We already do so badly.

Carsten's mother, Birgit has been taking such wonderful care of him for years now. It is time for us to take care of her and help her adjust to a new way of living.

Thank you for your prayers. Birgit printed out and read Leonard my previous post about him this morning, as well as your comments. This made both Carsten and I cry hard. Little did you know your words would be such a comfort in his passing hours.

He finally rests in peace with no more pain. I bet he's digging up treasures in heaven already.

Update: We are heading out tomorrow morning to be with his mom for a few days. Thank you for your warmth and support. Tonight we again went down to the ocean and while my husband and I were holding one another, looking out onto the waves, I had an image of Leonard dancing, playing piano and partying with his friends up in the sky. So tonight we had a drink at the hotel bar where we stayed the night of our wedding, to toast Leonard and his newfound happiness. I had a cosmo. Boho boy had a gin and tonic. We haven't had a drink in months. We laughed and shared fun stories about Leonard. We both felt THAT is what he wanted us to do tonight. To celebrate his life. So we are and will continue to do so. Be back soon...until then we'll be lovin' on his moma.

calling on bloggie angels...

my cool father in-law Leonard at our wedding, photo by robin nations

You all have been so wonderful in gathering together to pray for my nephew and I have seen miracles in regards to Mark's journey right before my eyes. I believe in the power of prayer, positive intentions, lighting candles and meditation and I am constantly amazed at all of your support for our family.

Which is why I am reaching out yet again...

My father in-law has been in the ICU since last night. He is 83 years old and is a fighter. I won't go into too much detail but it is heart related on top of pneumonia and he is on a breathing machine. My husband is trying his best to be strong because he always sees the cup half full in life but I can see the worry behind his eyes. We don't want to manifest anything, so we are trying not to go there in our minds but I still feel the need to ask my bloggie angels for help.

Leonard is one of the coolest people I know. Throughout his life he has been an antique dealer, musician, artist, jewelry designer, sculptor, archeologist, anthropologist and a Professor of Archeology. Whenever I am with him I always learn bits about history that are exciting and mysterious. His art consists of all things organic that he picks up off of the ground during his walks through nature. He's a true delight and my husband is so proud to be his son and I am now proud to be his daughter in-law.

So if you find a gentle and quiet moment in your day, can you please think of Leonard and send healing thoughts and prayers his way? Also send prayers out to my mother in-law so that she can remain strong and positive during this time.

Thank you, my friends.

hmmm...

Boho Boy & his best friend's baby Mia,
canon digital rebel xt

Is this just delish? There is just something about a man and a baby that is all kinds of sexy. Are you feelin' the boho baby vibes? Damn...I sure am!

ps. please pray, light candles and dance for Thea today as she is doing an embryo transfer into her beautiful, perfect, fertile and abundant womb.

two things...

my rainbow toe socks, big sur camping, canon digital rebel xt

I've seen this meme all over our bloggie universe, so I thought I'd join in:

Two names you go by:
Deni
Boho

Two parts of your heritage:
French
Portuguese

Two things that scare you:
George Bush
Narrow minds
bonus scare: walking down our loft stairs in the dark.

Two everyday essentials:
Mario Badescu skin care
Burts Bees beeswax lip balm

Two things you are wearing right now:
Boho Zen {Prosperity} necklace
Silver fertility goddess necklace from Jen

Two of your favourite current bands/artists:
Two Sheds
Natalie Walker

Two things you want in a relationship (other than love):
Laughing our arses off
Creative inspiration

Two truths:
I kissed an absolute stranger on a dare
I stretched out naked on a rock in Yosemite

Two favorite hobbies:
Photography
Beach walking

Two things you have to do this week:
Design a few blog banners
Pray & light candles for Thea on Friday

Two stores you shop at:
Anthropologie
Free People

Two shows you like to watch:
Extras
The L Word

Two things you'd buy if money were no object:
Houses in San Francisco and Victoria, B.C.
A Hasselblad camera

Two wishes for 2007:
Trips to London & Uganda
A boho baby

self portrait challenge {new years resolution # 2}

self portait, canon digital rebel xt

If you ask anyone that knows me, I believe they would tell you that I have a very soft voice and a calming personality. I can say this with confidence because it is what I've been told my whole life. I even notice that when I am with someone who has high energy or who is all tied up in knots, I can feel my presence is soothing to them. So, by the looks and feel of me, people may assume that I am always just as peaceful down deep inside. But this my friends, is a struggle for me. I internalize a lot of outside noise whether it is someone else's emotions or my own. While I am quietly sitting there in a room full of people, my senses are open and sensitive to all that transpires around me. Sometimes I don't feel it right away but either minutes or a few hours later, my heart will start to race or my mind will play back all that it has heard. I then begin to analyze or I find myself feeling worry for others or myself. It is rare that my mind is as quiet and clear as it appears to others (or even myself).

I recall my mother and sister's telling me when I was young that I was a "worry wart". I wish we could have called it a "worry flower" but it was worry that consumed me, nonetheless.

During my first appointment with my acupuncturist last year, she asked to look at my tongue. She then asked me if I tend to worry. I looked stunned, I am sure. She then proceeded to explain that if someone has small grooves lining the outside of the tongue, it is from grinding it with their teeth when worrying about something. So, I guess that means I have a groovy tongue? Ummm...not so much.

Needless to say, it is crucial for me to calm my mind. I absolutely love yoga and benefit so much from it but for some reason, I continue to put it off during my busy weeks. This year, I am going to make an effort to go to at least a few classes per week, if not more. When I am practicing yoga on a regular basis, not only does my body feel tighter and more fit but my spirit and moods are balanced.

I also have these marvelous meditation CD's called "meditations for a fertile soul". There are meditations for each part of a woman's cycle. The voice is so soothing and it always brings my soul to a much more calming place.

There is a part in one of the meditations where I am asked to imagine myself completely at peace and fulfilled in my life. It then asks what am I doing in my life that creates this peace and balance? I immediately see myself going to yoga, following the blood type diet strictly, walking on the beach, meditating, creating. See...when we are asked this question, truly, deep down, we already know the answer to what we need.

I want to open up this discussion for some wisdom from you. What do you do to help calm your mind? How do you meditate? Where do you meditate? Do you have any advice for a calm, peaceful person that tends to worry and analyze too much down deep within?

I also am encouraging you to ask yourself the same question when you are lying down before bedtime or when you wake up in the morning. When you imagine yourself feeling at peace and balanced, what is it that you see yourself doing in your life to create these feelings?

Find other resolutions here.

ps. here is a link to other cool meditation CD's if you are interested.

landscape

model for portrait session, canon digital rebel xt

There is something about the landscape of a woman's body that I cannot get enough of. It manifests itself in my drawings, pastels and now my photography. Perhaps it stems from me always being that curvy girl and having to embrace the hills and valleys of my own flesh. When I envision myself photographing a model, I cannot imagine her without curves. My desire is to help women accept them, to revel in the sexy~ness of their bosoms and hips and the trails down their waist to their thighs. We are all a unique masterpiece.

My lovely model above melted into me after a few glasses of wine. I felt myself flow into a different dimension as I moved her limbs and curves to my liking. I witnessed her transition from being a bit awkward and unsure to opening the flood gates to her sexuality and self esteem. Her willingness to be open with me was an art form in and of itself and I was honored, so honored to be a part of this awakening.

p.s. i am grateful for each and every one of you for your words of support on my last post. you carried me through a rough day and this morning i woke up to a release. thank you for holding my hand, always.

stream of consciousness

letha's neighborhood, canon digital rebel xt

I am tied up with emotions inside. Like the branches in the tree above, my feelings want to stretch as far to the sky as they can within their darkness but mine feel tangled and bound to the ground, unable to move. I have felt like this for a few days. So inside myself. Unable to express all that is transpiring within me. I am craving quiet. Calm. Wide open spaces. The corner of a room, hunched over, alone. Such a contradiction. I don't even know what I need. I could attribute this to hormones. Is it my cycle approaching or is it another life nestling itself in my womb absorbing all that I am? I worry it is not the later. It is always the cycle...but the baby is coming soon. I feel it. I get so attached to the thought of it and I grieve each month it is not here. My feelings were hurt by a comment the other day. A comment that I know was not intentionally hurtful. Telling me that my story makes her never want to try too hard to have a baby. I never wanted to try too hard either. I still don't want to have to. But when you want this so badly, something primal takes over and nothing can get in the way of it. Nothing. I cannot help this desire and I try all that I can to focus on the other beautiful aspects of my life. I think I do a pretty good job of it. I try my hardest to be positive, hopeful, to look forward and believe. But then there are a few days out of the month that I let go and allow myself to be sad, to feel hurt, scared and uncertain. Please be patient with these days. I always feel the lessons in them and I never let them consume me for too long. My loved ones ask me how my fertility stuff is going. Sometimes that feels like a constant reminder. I want to tell them "no news is bad news" but I don't want them to feel left out. I understand their need to know. They are almost as attached to the outcome as we are. I get that. But when I end up having a conversation about it, a few hours later I feel myself fall into a depression. To hear myself explain my journey out loud sometimes alters me. Am I talking about me? Yes, I am. Reality hits me in the face...over and over. Today I find myself starring at my computer. So many things flood into my mind that I am needing to do. Go downtown to capture some urban photographs, write in your journal, organize your studio, take a shower, plan dinner, buy some cat food, design a necklace, curl your hair. But I sit here motionless unable to do any of those things. I cry with my feet up on my desk and my head in my hands. Damn hormones. I feel lonely. I need my tribe. They need me and they all live so far, far away. I just need to be silent with them. To cuddle up on a bed to watch a film and be silent. I don't need conversation. I don't like to attract drama. I shy away from drama. I leave that to play in my head and then watch it fall away when the peace washes over. I don't need anyone else to be part of that. It's an alone thing for me. As much as I share here, I do consider some part of my life sacred. My family is one of them. Mark, my nephew is going through so much but I am grateful he is alive, has all his limbs and will be able to walk and breathe on his own. I know he wouldn't want me to be sad for him, so I am not. I am hopeful and proud and grateful for his miracle. He needs me to be this way. He feels it and it gives him strength. We have that connection. That is all I will share. The rest is so sacred and he is a private person as well. I respect that. I feel restless. I cannot focus on one thing. I find myself snapping at my husband when he comes home when he is the one that loves me most unselfishly. I know he feels the grief each month, yet he holds us together. I want to hold him together too. I have no idea if I do this for him. I see the tears in his eyes every once in awhile but I never see them fall. He holds them in the deep well within his soul. Mine just spill freely from my own deep well within.

This stream of consciousness feels good. This stream of feelings. They were tucked away, held tight into my chest and now they are brave enough to peek through. I need to write more later after I take a shower. A brave girl I met once does this all the time. Now I know why.

Self Portrait Challenge {New Years Resolution}

me, taken by boho boy (click for larger view), canon digital rebel xt

One of my New Years Resolutions is to rediscover my sexuality. I know I have shared before on my blog about the challenges of feeling sexy while going through our fertility journey. We are going on almost two and a half years now of timing our intercourse, while trying to pretend we are being spontaneous. Does this make me feel sexy? Ummm...not so much.

I mean, this past month, there was a little magnet taped to my forearm (on a fertility acupressure point) that I had to rub before and after sex. This is one of MANY things we've had to do to enhance our chances. I try not to think too deeply into how ridiculous it can all be because the thing is...I believe in everything our doctor tells us to do. But in retrospect, I always end up giggling at what the fly on the wall must be thinking.

I take a handful of herbs and supplements three times a day. Every morning I pee in a cup and put the little pee stick inside of it, then place it into our fertility monitor which tells me my hormone levels for that particular day. So basically, a computer is telling me when to have sex! I have fertility necklaces, fertility goddesses and crystals adorning my neck and laying in my feng shui "family" corner. I am on a special blood type diet. We found out that my uterus is allergic to my husband's saliva, so no special hanky pankies down under. All this and I am supposed to relax and not think about conceiving while we're in the throws of passion?!?

Yah, right.

Don't get me wrong. I love love love being intimate with my husband. Well...because he's pretty much hot but HE isn't the issue here. The issue is me feeling like a little sex kitten when I have all these *helpful hints to conceive* on my mind.

This is all shared in fun. I am smiling as I write this. This journey has been wild. I hope to write a book about it some day that will put my readers at ease by adding the humor of it all. One of the chapters in my book will be how to "maintain your sexy". Over the next few months I am going to try to figure this out. I mean, my husband thinks I look sexy with snot coming out of my nose (bless his heart) but it is ME that needs to feel sexy about myself while letting go of the not so sexy fertility stuff.

Enough said. Time for my supplements...

Find other new years resolutions here.