Inspire Me Thursday

"doorway", Soft Pastel on Paper

This weeks "Inspire Me Thursday" challenge is for us to do a self portrait without a camera.

So, I did what felt natural...I played with my pastels.

This is me, entering into a new doorway within my soul. In this new sacred place, I am a woman who is learning to hear her own voice, pay attention to her own intuition and trust her own judgment.

******

Thank you to each of you who have sent your love, support, encouragement and wisdom my way this week via comments, emails or a parcel in the mail. Our appointment is tomorrow morning and I feel so, so brave and full of courage. I will imagine all of you standing around the doctors office, holding hands in a big sisterhood circle.

My cup runneth over...

Self Portrait Tuesday

self portrait #2, kodak ls753

This is the very last installment of February's "All of Me" for Self Portrait Tuesday.

The upcoming challenge for March is to document "time" through photos (document and observe physical changes in ourselves, create a discourse on identity, keep a visual diary of moods, etc.)

Therefore... for my last "part" in this month's installment, I chose my hair.

Someone recently told me I was too old to wear my hair in ponytails. Good thing I didn't pay attention. I'll be wearing them when my hair is long and gray (and perhaps some ribbons as well).

"You're only as old as you feel"... and I feel crazy young.

Ponytails, braids, messy buns...all a huge part of me and my wildly thick thirtysomething mane.

If you feel beautiful...who cares what anyone else thinks?

Wear it.

Do it.

Be it.

Work it.

Own it.

All of your parts...including your locks.

*******

see some of the brave and beautiful souls of February's "all of me" pictures: week one, week two and week three.

Perfect Timing

Thea's thoughtful parcel, kodak ls753

I'm sitting here at my desk facing one of the two Spanish style arched windows thru our loft wall that Carsten made with his creative hands. The soft morning sun beams are peering through our windows downstairs, finding their way up to me through the arch. I've come to cherish this precious time when the sun yawns and stretches its arms to bless me with morning’s first rays. I leave the remainder of the lofts lights off so that I am mindful of the myriad of colors nature delivers.

One of my kitties, Amber, is sitting perched on the top of the stairway behind me, bathing in the warmth as the light warms her furry face. She watches my fingers moving across the keyboard intently.

My other kitty, Elvis, walks across the floor around me. I hear the tickity tack of his nails on the hardwood floor and as he brushes up against my shins for my morning kitty-hug, his deep purr progressively get louder.

The steam from my raspberry leaf tea in my lime green mug atop my desk floats further up like two smoky dancers.

My thoughts drift to Thea and the very thoughtful parcel she sent my way. I spent my weekend devouring the book and listening to the CD...how I love The Weepies. I love to read but I usually read in bits so that there is a long stretch of time before I finish. I started reading the book Thea sent me on Friday night and finished it last night before laying my head to sleep.

The timing of her parcel couldn’t have been any more perfect.

Let me share with you what is on the back of this book…because as though I tried to type it in my own words, I could not explain it any better:

“Julia Indichova’s pilgrimage takes her through the offices of the best that modern medicine has to offer, as well as through a maze of surprising alternatives. The point is not which methods she chooses but how she chooses them – by paying careful attention to her needs and responses, a skill that not only brings her a child but changes her approach to life. Ultimately, what she discovers and what this book teaches us is that when we have faith, and honor our own truth rather than docilely place ourselves in the hands of others, all the rules change. Whether we long to birth a child, a work of art, or a vital, fulfilling life, the journey begins with trusting our deepest widsom: the expert within who always knows the next best step.”

Carsten and I decided a bit ago to take a few months off from trying to conceive so that we can rest and rejuvenate. Up until this point, we were on an alternative path…Chinese medicine, herbs, acupuncture, meditation. I have been most comfortable with this path because it felt natural and safe and less invasive. I wanted to trust my body’s ability to heal itself with the help of spirituality and Mother Nature.

I have an appointment with a fertility specialist in a few days. A Western doctor, that is. I tend to get intimidated with doctors because I feel like I am always on a time crunch when trying to explain why I am there. I am mindful of the hundreds of other patients they’ve seen that day and why would I be special or important? We are going there to see if there are any more tests to be taken other than the ones we’ve already had. I also want to keep my options open. Although I have been on a preferred natural path, I am choosing not to be ignorant to Western philosophies.

This book has given me much strength to prepare for this visit. The author went through the offices of the best that modern medicine had to offer her and many times received conflicting diagnosis. What she learned was how to tune out the voices outside telling her it was impossible to get pregnant naturally and listened to her own body and intuition.

In reference to a yoga class the author attended, she said… “Such places and such people strengthen the voice that tells me to trust my own judgment. The voice that gives me the authority to decide what does and does not make sense…and not give that authority to someone else.”

I want to take that with me into this appointment. I want to stay aware and open to my own judgment of what they think will be best for me. I am not opposed to a Western approach if it feels right for me and if I have confidence in my doctor. I just haven't had that experience yet with whom I have seen prior to going the Eastern route.

I will continue with acupuncture and will be taking supplements and herbs starting next month given to me by my uber-supportive acupuncturist…and that feels very right to me so far.

This book has inspired me to be conscious about everything I put into my body…including thoughts, images, food, drink. I have done this to a point but not fully…especially in regards to positive thinking and confidence about whether or not we will conceive.

I know full well that everyone has their own path. That what works for one person, may not work for another. That is exactly why I need to remain open to what is right for me.

So, thank you dear Thea…thank you for the perfect timing of this very thoughtful parcel full of so much that I needed. Including the yummy tunes. : )

she rocks

lovely Audra, photo by Elizabeth Keating

she's come undone
in a good way

she's letting loose
her wild, creative
self

she's listening to her
inner child

today it told her to paint her
fingernails
a rainbow of colors

so she did

she's learning that being open
means being vulnerable

so she ~
feels more
and receives more
love

karma.

she's discovering more
parts of her that were put aside
for much too long

she knows she's not
alone

she has a sisterhood
now

extending hugs and hands
from a distance

oh, she likes this new
woman

this Whole Woman

and so do i

she rocks.

Journal Love

my current journals, Kodak LS753

I noticed some of my blog~sisters posted pictures of what journals they are currently using. So...I thought I'd share mine (my apologies for the dreadful flashy glare).

These two companions are quite special to me. The one on the left I use for sketching. My marmie (this is what I call my mother...inspired by the book Little Women) gave this to me. I love how it feels in my hands. It is full of texture and sparkly gems. The paper feels rough and vintage-like.

The one on the right was given to me by my niece, Angela. She went abroad for a semester in London, England. There was a day when she was feeling a bit blue and found herself walking in the rain. She stumbled upon what I think might have been an artists fair with tents and booths displaying a plethora of creations. One woman in particular caught her eye. She went over and ended up having a very deep and inspiring conversation with her. This woman, Laurel Burch, was the artist that hand painted the journal you see above. Angela told me that Laurel's essence, her spirit reminded her of me and that she felt comforted by that at the moment...as if I was there with her during this difficult day. Angela's spirits lifted and she ended up bringing home with her this meaningful gift for me as a reminder of the strength that was gathered during that moment. So, needless to say...this journal is so precious to me and is used to write my deepest thoughts and emotions throughout my days (thank you Angie baby).

I took them with me to a bookstore/cafe yesterday and sitting in a comfy leather chair, was inspired to sketch a series of bohemian girlies. I do believe that cafe's and journals are one of my most cherished pastimes.

I would love to see your journals. I do believe it was Blue Dog that started this...

******

side note: I don't think anyone owns as many journals as my big sis, Darlene (Angela's mom). She has stacks and stacks and wherever she goes, she brings one with a million different colored pens. I love how hers are full of color and sparkles and gorgeous designs...along with her poetic words. Whenever she visits, she leaves with a new journal and by the next time I see her, it is full and she is onto the next. So, so inspiring...(and quite hilarious when she brings two suitcases...one of clothes, one of journals and pens).

i know...and i am grateful

me & hubs, Kodak LS753 & Photoshop Fun

i know it isn't easy to completely let go and trust that the decision we made for me to leave a cushy, safe corporate job to explore/begin my own creative venture... is going to be fruitful for us.

i know times are tight and we need to stay home more rather than go out on the town like we used to.

i know rather than buying those fashionable duds or cool decor for our house...we buy supplies for me.

i know you try to put on a brave and supportive face when at times you may be scared and worried.

i know you have to put up with my crazy cooking rather than eat the delicacies we so enjoyed at our favorite restaurants.

i know all these things...even if i don't tell you. i see how much you have taken this wild leap with me and sacrificed so many comforts you've enjoyed all of the years (the years before i came into your life too).

i am grateful every day for your endless support.

i am grateful that when you come home from work, you do not expect me to have created a ton of stuff to sell that day...and that you just trust my process. even when it is slower than i'd like at times.

i am grateful that you believe in me and with that...have no doubts.

i am grateful that you are my biggest fan.

i am so grateful that you truly desire this time for me to evolve, grow, play, experiment, study, watch, write, share, BE... each and every day in my studio.

i am grateful that you embrace all of me and want me to live my dreams...despite the cost.

this is what i imagined heaven would feel like. this free.

i know...and i am grateful.

Millionaire in Spirit

collage dance, Kodak LS753

From one bohemian to another...

“Who am I? I’m a poet. My business? Writing.

How do I live? I live.

In my happy poverty I squander like a prince,

my poems and songs of love.

In hopes and dreams and castles-in-air,

I’m a millionaire in spirit.”

~ Rodolfo, La Boheme

What is it you squander like a prince/princess in your happy poverty as an artist? What are your hopes and dreams...your castles-in-air for putting yourself out there and sharing your unique and creative talent with our world?

I think my hope and dream with my creations is to touch others so they do not feel alone and feel understood. To speak to them, resonate with them, move them inside so that they feel empowered to be unique...to live beyond convention, to change paradigms, to go against the grain and fully BE and embrace who they are without reserve.

If I knew I helped someone...even one person do this in their life...I would be a Millionaire in Spirit.

Self Portrait Tuesday

self portrait, kodak LS753

Some of my blog~sisters have inspired me to do Self Portrait Tuesday. Visit there to see what it is all about.

This picture was taken for my friend Letha. I really loathed my new haircut because it had far too many layers than what I was used to. She wanted to see it...so I shot this. I also wanted her to see me completely in the raw...no make up, with all blemishes. I am wearing a tank top and I remember thinking how huge my arm looked. So, needless to say...I thought this picture was crappity crap. It was taken about 6 months ago. The layers have grown out and my natural color is back in action.

I am posting this (with stomache in knots) in honor of all these BRAVE beautiful people that did the same.

We must find beauty in our imperfections.

********

side note: i submitted one of my pastel drawings to Penelope's "Best Advice I Ever Got" project. it is so fun going thru these. a mountain of wisdom you will find...

Her-story

our men & their shadows walking, Kodak LS753

This past weekend my niece was in town with her boyfriend and we were fortunate to carve out some quality time together.

angela & alex absorbing the view, Kodak LS753

We started with a picnic lunch, sitting on a bench up on a grassy cliff overlooking the ocean waves crashing below. Then a beachy walk with arms around one another as our men walked ahead, laughing. And last but not least... a gathering of more of their friends at our favorite Irish pub for conversation, music and very carby food (love those chips & champs!).

angela & me at the pub, Kodak LS753

What really hit me this time about my relationship with Angela is that we are about 12 years apart but when we're together, our kindred connection and our like minded-ness truly transcends those years between us. I feel like our relationship is evolving from Aunt/Niece to long time friends. Although, I know I'll always be her Auntie...and hearing her call me this warms my heart deeply, but I love how our relationship is opening up new doors in our hearts. Rather than girl/woman it feels like woman/woman...you know?

She is very passionate about women's history. I get chills when she shares about all the women in our past that carved the way for us in our futures. She sometimes sends me names of women via email so that I can research and not be ignorant to those that fought for our equality.

I told Angela that someday she will be the female version of Professor Keeting played by Robin Williams in the film "Dead Poets Society". Standing before a classroom of college age women and passionately, theatrically bestowing her wisdom upon them about Her-story.

I thought to myself that I could see her gathering her most promised students and telling them of a secret "society" long, long ago that met in a cave beyond the campus where women would gather and read to one another, sharing hopes and dreams of how they can contribute to our society in a world where they will someday feel equal to men.

Hmmm...what would that women's society be called? Lets hear some names...how fun.

Welling

playing with blues, kodak LS753

I am welling up with a warmth, a peace within. It feels like warm water is rising inside my body and I am on the verge of something surreal, something out of this world amazing that is about ready to rush out of my heart and soul like a water fall.

I think some of these things have contributed to this welling...

Discovering the many shades of blue today and being messy with them. No rhyme or reason art...just me wanting to swim in the currents of blue-y-ness. Exploring with no judgement.

A girlie chat and artsy~collage tips from the lovely Sarah.

Thea giving me hope.

Leonie and her sharings of her Women's Circle and hearing about others gravitating towards that powerful, soulful space.

Catching up with my friend Chris. Him telling me that my blog is encouraging him to be more brave with his own feelings. A warm fuzzy type moment that I will hold onto forever.

Misty and her art moving me.

Tammy understanding and loving me through my messy emotions. Anticipating rubbing her swelling womb onto mine for good measure.

Taking a risk and putting my photography out there.

Suzi patiently listening to my anxiety ridden story and calming me out of that space.

Getting re-inspired about my jewelry and dreaming of finding new gems.

Amy and her prayer flags.

Making a yummy brown rice pasta dish and my husband saying it could be served at a gourmet restaurant (riiiiight..thanks honey but you love me).

Listening to a CD that sweet Andrea made for me...and yes, there was some arse-boogie going on up in my loft while painting!

Discovering her talented self...so unique.

My kitty Amber coming up to me and meowing something that sounded like..."Mom". Creepy but cool, I guess. : )

I am sure there is more...but I am so tired and need to dream about Narnia.

All I know is this welling has something to do with feeling more brave, more playful, more loved, more unique, more me.

Goodnight all.

whispering in circles

wind in hair girl, pen, ink & pastel - Kodak LS753

Yesterday was a surreal sort of day. I felt a "letting go" in regards to my art. I rediscovered my Prismacolor Pens from design school and it didn't take me long to remember how much I dig these! That I have many shades of one color to help with shading and how forgiving mistakes can be with the clear blenders.

I spent the entire day up in my studio drawing, coloring, listening to the sweetest of music and every once in awhile, sharing the progress of my creations with my friend Letha via email. She also shared pictures of her canvases that she is working on in her studio with me. What on earth did we do before digital?? I felt like I spent the day creating with an artist-friend. It felt like an Artist Date. I read about Artist's Dates on Sarah's blog and told myself I would love to have a friend to do that with but mine are so far away. Well...I suppose that proved to not matter, really. Letha and I would shoot an email, send our sketch..."what do you think of this?" and explain our intent...include a song from iTunes and dance in circles with our eyes closed to one another’s choice of music. Of course...I'm the one that gets dizzy and practically falls down! At least I've learned how to laugh at myself.

I have been realizing how very important this circle of creative women has become to me in my life. This world of creative business owners, new or seasoned, blogging and sharing their journeys, commenting on one another’s blogs, sending emails of encouragement, advice, inspiration. It feels like we are all standing in a great big sister-circle, holding one another up if someone feels they cannot stand any longer.

They have made me feel part of a community, a tribe of sorts and every once in awhile I imagine us all gathering and dancing around a bonfire on the sand, with the waves crashing behind us and the wind blowing in our hair, whispering, telling us to be gentle to ourselves, to be free, to keep going. Reminding us that we are not alone in this whole topsy~turvy world of creative biz.

a few things...

red flowering tree outside our place, Kodak LS753

a few things that made my heart sing today...

finding this tree (above) outside, down the way from our place. it must have always been there but i never quite paid attention. the red flowers called me over. i stood below, tilted my head back and stared into her blooms. i got teary eyed and apologized for not noticing her beautiful blossoms before today.

watching this play with my husband tonight, holding hands, getting lost in the dancers...wanting to be on stage swirling with them. remember how much i love to dance and that i was once told when i was young that i was naturally graceful. how we forget such things too quickly.

a walk around a poinsettia ranch with my friend carey at lunchtime. intimate sharings about religion vs spirituality. talk of the freedom of expressing your unique style by designing your own wedding dress and warm hugs surrounded by a plethora of pretty flowers.

exchanging cool thoughts with this beautiful and eclectic woman. discovering her blog, her jewelry and art...and my heart fluttering as my eyes search each gorgeous piece. getting lost in her world for a few moments and liking it very much.

drinking sangria outside in a gardeny courtyard laced with hanging paper lamps, red umbrella's, white strung lights and heat lamps above warming my cheeks.

listening to the song Heartstopper by Emiliana Torrini more than once. well...over and over, actually. never tiring of her voice, the lyrics.

having a good curly hair day and placing a sparkly barret on a curl where I normally wouldn't put it.

a treasure trove of a package sent to us from my mother and father in-law for Valentines. lots of gems for my jewelry design, books, vintage photos...yum!

planning a trip to see my parents and sisters in a few months.

receiving a sweet and endearing voicemail from my friend Tony that i miss very much.

this story making me crack up out loud all alone in my loft. that is when you know something is truly, truly comical. when you're all alone...and still laugh out loud.

my beautiful big sister Darlene opening her email to me today with "Sweet girl..." and ending it with "Sugar Buns". knowing she is feeling very far under the weather and yet still finds time to read my blog to see what her baby sister is up to. i love that she enjoys playing in my world as i enjoy playing in hers.

hearing my husband say..."we're celebrating Valentines all week...".

just a few things that made this day a memorable one for me.

Flowering

drawing & collage of me - by Letha, Kodak LS753

My dear childhood friend surprised me with a package full of gorgeous declarations of love and encouragement yesterday. One of them was this beautiful collage (above). Tears (joyous ones) rolled down my cheeks when I pulled this out of the envelope. Through the 23 years we've known one another on our life's journey, we've seen each other through such messy~beautiful times. It filled me with such warmth that she and I have been able to evolve together into such a parallel way of living. She still gets me and I still get her and her wise words always find its way into the garden I have planted for her in my heart.

She waters that garden as she say's this:

"I have this picture of you up. I've always loved it and just started sketching it as I thought about you. I kept thinking..."flowering". Everything for you is flowering. Your business, it is beginning and you will see its blooms soon. Your new life path, your self acceptance and gentleness. Your journey into parenthood and the great journey of being a parent...all flowering. I kept seeing soft pink...this color makes me feel calm, soothed, safe, feminine, fragile, beautiful."

I love you, Letha.

I appreciate so much that you took precious time out of your absolutely insane schedule of commissions and creating gorgeous clothes to just play, doodle, sketch from your heart as you said you needed to. I am honored that when you dove into that sacred space of play...that you thought of me.

Silly young days of school camps, made up dance routines, songs about the Heat Miser and Kermit the frog, long talks on your bed about all we wanted to be when we grew up, a bottle of wine and the Transformation Game, a plethora of paintings of mermaids and dolphins swirl in my head as I write this.

All these sweet memories water our garden and keep us flowering...

A Truly Creative Mind

man playing with toes, kodak LS753

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.
To him...
a touch is a blow,
a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover,
a lover is a god,
and failure is death.
Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create - - - so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating."

-- Pearl Buck

I came across this quote and my mind drifted back to the man in the park we walked by this weekend that was playing the guitar with his toes. He had at least one arm missing...the other tucked underneath his shirt. The music, coupled with his voice was shockingly beautiful. Now I truly have no excuse to not pick mine up and practice. I was in awe of his passion to not feel limited as a musician and of his courage to share his gift.

I also thought of a story I read when I was very young about an artist named Joni. She was paralyzed from the neck down after diving into a shallow end of a pool and breaking her neck. Eventually, she picked up a paint brush with her mouth and from her heart came beautiful paintings.

These and many others are so inspiring to me. They have that "overpowering necessity" the quote speaks of above to "Create, create, create..." regardless of the challenges that face them.

Such *Truly Creative Minds* are they...

Deep within, mine is always speaking to me. My truly creative mind. It makes me feel different, awkward in a crowd at times, perhaps even lonely. I find myself hushing it so that I can feel normal, fit in...blend. This does nothing but oppress me and block my creative path. It is when I see those that tap into their true-ness that I realize it is more than okay not to blend in...but to be COLORFUL in a black and grey room. In fact, it is needed badly by our world. So, I applaud and am motivated by those that continue to be tapped into their truly creative minds and *boldly* share their special gifts.

This time away from a noisy world has helped me to search within and find my voice and I am building the courage to share it.

Off to "create, create, create..."

This post from dear Pixie is helping me do so.

will you...

me & carsten - wedding dance, photo by robin nations

be mine?

i love you, babe.

why I love him

carsten and me, kodak LS753

we've both been battling knarly colds and when he has a cold...beware of the snore monster. needless to say, i haven't had much sleep between the sounds coming forth from his nose and our kitties racing around our bed on our hardwood floors.

last night his utmost concern was that i get a good nights rest, so he scrunched up his six foot two body over our five foot five long couch out in our living room. he was adamant about it...wouldn't have it any other way.

so, i thought he would come to me in the wee hours of the morning frustrated with the cats for dancing all around the couch ("yay...daddy's out to play!) and a case of the grumpies for sleeping all cramped up.

instead, he came into our room, stood above me, stroked my hair, leaned down and kissed me all over my face.

*sigh*

one of the many reasons i love him.

Friday Night

suzi & matty, kodak LS753

"laughter is the closest distance between two people"

- Victor Borge (1909 - 2000)

my best frister (translate = best friend/sister) suzi is visiting this weekend. this picture speaks volumes of our evening. so i will leave it at that.

i do not remember the last time i have continuously laughed until my cheeks and belly were sore.

best line of the evening..."i've laughed so hard i need botox."

good times, indeed.

Saving you, Saving Me...

carsten balancing in big bear, kodak LS753

"One day you finally knew

what you had to do and began.

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice -

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my Life.”

each voice cried.

but you didn’t stop.

you knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

it was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

but little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own.

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world.

determined to do

the only thing you could do –

determined to save

the only life you could save."

- "The Journey" by Mary Oliver, Collected Poems

I read this poem the other day and it struck my heart like lightening. There have been quite a few times throughout my life when I had made a decision I just knew in my heart was best for me, despite those around me not in agreement. And because it is natural for me to please those I love, it took much strength to continue to step forward, not allowing their advice or ideas to stop me and hold onto my own voice telling me to keep going..."determined to save the only life I could save"...which is mine.

There was also a time in my life when I felt the need to save people. I didn't know what to do with this big, clumsy heart of mine. So, I threw myself into helping others, saving others...but along the way didn't have energy left to save myself. This happened with boyfriends, friendships, family, etc.

Through the years I slowly realized that I couldn't really save anyone. That they in the long run, had to save themselves. That my well meaning advice, love and guidance is helpful and perhaps inspiring but the only way for them to truly come out of their despair was to find that strength within, their own voice, their own confidence.

Once I discovered that I am not responsible for other people's happiness and in turn, they are not responsible for my own happiness, it was quite empowering.

Empowering for them, empowering for me.

To know that as yummy and warm and fuzzy it feels to have my loved ones surround me in a circle when I am at my lowest, the only one that can truly pull myself out of it is me.

The only one that can follow my dreams is me. To keep going, keep walking forward, listening to my own voice, pulling myself up and out the door into my world as it should be.

time for time off

me & big sur redwoods, taken by carsten, kodak LS753

Though many extraordinary things have transpired in my life this past year, there has been an underlying sadness through it all. On those days where others may see me smiling and laughing, deep within are wells of tears that surface when my head hits the pillow at night.

As much as my husband and I have poured ourselves into our creative companies, home design projects, what have you…our true longing has been to have a baby and create a family in our home. I look back and all I can remember is being focused on this since shortly after we were married. Then I look beyond where I see a crazy girl, mind in beautiful places, spirited, alive, sexy, free…I miss her. I am tired. We are tired.

Since I am an information nerd, we have been over-informed about how to get pregnant. So of course, it is consuming us but only lately have we recognized this fully.

I had an epiphany yesterday. While I was at my YMCA, I decided to work out harder than I have in over a year. I had been trying to not over do it all these months because I was told not to...in order to conceive. As a result, I have felt less fit, less energized, less motivated to kick butt on a hike or at my gym. So, as I was breaking a sweat it hit me…I need Time Off from all this! I need a break. I need to get back to me…to US…to making love just for the hell of it, because we WANT to, not because it’s “that time”.

As those thoughts danced in my head, I felt a gigantic weight lifting. While on the elliptical with my iPod in ears, ponytail flopping, a smile started creeping across my face. I felt my cheeks flush with color and I just knew. It was that feeling that washes over you like a peaceful river…YES, yes…this is a right decision! No doubts. Energy-filled, resounding YES throughout every morsel in your being.

I have held onto this dream so tightly that I am not allowing it to breathe. It is not in my hands, really. I cannot control this. I know this because I have tried everything in my might (and I mean everything) and it just didn’t happen, month after month.

I literally felt myself “let it go” and thought of all that I could do with the plethora of energy I have poured into trying so hard to conceive this child. Of course my thoughts went to my business but it also went to my relationship with my husband, with my friends and family.

I walked back to my car with a jive in my step, looked up and a woman passing me was smiling. I realized that I had been smiling at myself and there was another confirmation. How long had it been since I smiled walking down a street?

She’s back.

So, when I arrived home, I ran up our loft stairs, sat on my husbands lap and shared with him what had just transpired. I saw a relief wash over his face…and his own epiphany in his eyes. YES, this is what he needed too. I felt sexy again in his arms. Not just a vessel with eggs ready to be permeated. I felt that liveliness between us slowly rebirthing. That liveliness that would spontaneously sneak into an “off limits” park at night, with all the sprinklers on, run through them and fall to the ground together laughing, kissing…LETTING GO.

We’re back.

Taking time for time off.

Peel

paper journal entry, kodak LS753

"We must continue to open in the face of tremendous opposition. No one is encouraging us to open...and still we must PEEL away the layers of the heart."

~ Chogyam Trungpa Pinpoche

It is so easy to close off, to guard myself, to go into my little shell of protection when facing tremendous opposition. Yes, that is easier and perhaps in some situations in the beginning, it is even healthy. It could be a time of reflection, introspection and healing. But I cannot stay there. I must eventually pick myself up and open that door and face what it is I fear most. It is always then that there is much growth, stretching of self, lessons learned and poetic wisdom to be added to that library tucked away in my mind.

I feel more, I hear more, I taste more, I learn more, I see more, I share more, I AM more...when I peel away those layers that are guarding my heart.

she danced

carey dancing, taken by sean

She danced.

she sang. she took.

she gave. she served.

she loved. she created.

she dissented. she enlivened.

she saw. she grew.

she sweated. she changed.

she learned. she laughed.

she shed her skin,

she bled on the pages of her days,

she walked through walls,

she lived her intention.

- maryanne radmacher-hershey

****

the quote above is named "Living Eulogy". think about that. i love that concept.

the first time i had read Maryanne Racmacher-Hershey's work was while shopping with a friend in Seattle at an artsy cardsy boutique in Green Lake. i will never forget it because i stood and stared in awe at the 8X10 cardstock with her beautifully placed words and painted designs up in the corner. the meaning of her words just jumped right out from the page and resonated with my heart. my friend and i left the store and she handed me a bag with one of Maryanne's poems in it. the very one that spoke to me. that was a brilliant moment.

speaking of "she's"...

saw this film yesterday and swooned over their anthropologie-esque wardrobes! oh, and the kissing scenes were yum.

loving this patchouli lotion from this cool she~company

and looking forward to a she~day of wedding gown boutique-ing with carey (pic above) today!!

Woven

woven umbrella belly, kodak LS753

"Our life is composed greatly from dreams, from the unconscious, and they must be brought into connection with action. They must be woven together."

~ Anais Nin

After reading this quote yesterday morning, I found myself chanting in my mind; "dreams into action, dreams into action" over and over throughout my day.

Those two things must be woven together in order to become.

Hmmm...what dreams of yours are you making time to act upon? I'll be thinking about mine today.

Joy and Sorrow

my husband carsten, kodak easyshare digital

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is it not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

- Khalil Gibran

I read this excerpt from the book The Prophet by Khalil Gibran to my husband tonight. It felt like a revelation of sorts...for both of us.

How could we ever know pure joy without knowing pure sorrow?

If we had not experienced the wrenching hardships we both had in previous relationships, we may take for granted how absolutely amazing the relationship in our marriage is.

Perhaps we wouldn't be so jazzed about the creative companies we've both started if we had not worked in jobs where we were slaves to ideas we didn't believe in.

If we had not gone through this difficult journey of trying to conceive, perhaps we would take for granted the miraculous gift of creating a child together. Parenthood will be all the more sweet having been through this.

So the two are inseparable...from joy comes sorrow, from sorrow comes joy.

We reflected on these things together tonight. We hugged and felt grateful for being the clay in the potter's wheel...because we know with all the molding comes great beauty.

Young Love

dave & kelly, taken by my brother in-law Kenny

With Valentines Day approaching...I just had to post this picture of my niece and her boyfriend Dave of a few years because every time I've looked at it this week I transform into a ball of sappy mush.

Ahhhh...sweet, sweet, young love.

I honor their relationship for many reasons but the one that I will share here is their open communication. Neither one of them are afraid to share what is exactly on their minds and in their hearts with one another.

I remember when I was 16 years old that guys were not very bold about their feelings and definitely kept it private amongst their friends. Well, not Dave. He shouts it to the world, as does she.

In fact, when I was their age, I remember "best friends" and "lovers" were very rarely knitted together in the same relationship. Well, now that I think about it...that still stands today for adult relationships. It is indeed rare and something to be cherished.

I am so blessed to have married my best friend.

And I honor Kelly for her first love being her best friend. I am so proud of her for always being true to herself, to him and to her own tribe and proud of him really digging her "self" just as she is.

They are two old souls finding their way into young love together.

Open

old fire hydrant, kodak easyshare digital

This week I have shared some pretty deep, raw emotions with a few of my girls and really realized how important it is to have my feelings validated.

I feel like each one of them knew I just needed to be heard. I didn’t need a solution to the problem but just someone to listen and say…”I so get it”.

Somehow that gives me strength. It gives me courage to open up parts in my soul where doors are beginning to close.

“Cry…yes, cry…get it out”…Bobbi says gently while she sits on the other end of the phone and tears begin to fall down my face in quiet sobs. I could sense that she was relieved I wasn’t holding it in and was releasing. It didn’t make her nervous or uncomfortable. I just heard her calming breath on the other line.

Within a few minutes I was laughing and telling her how I am going to get through this. She allowed that space for me to discover it on my own without trying to do it for me.

Suzi telling me to keep sharing when I do what is natural which is to stop and change the subject over to her when it starts feeling scary and too far into the trenches of my hurts. “No…what else…there’s more…keep going.”

Letha sensing that I am dodging and relentlessly asking…”What is going on in that pretty little head of yours?!?!?” When I am finished ranting, I tell her I would love her to create a collage post card for me laced with good vibes and she says…”I already made one for you on Monday...it’s in the mail.” *goosebumps*

Andrea laughing with me about the insanely ridiculous comments that are made throughout this process…”Relax…don’t stress”, “Your sperm has no chi”…whatever.

It’s like they just know. They know it’s “that week” when we discover it’s the 17^th month of waiting and not receiving that gift of a little life and they gather in a love~circle around me, around us.

Not caring about the broken record of emotions.

Validating that it’s tough and yes, it sucks.

Allowing me to spill it out and re-discover on my own how strong I am.

Watching the process of me open up the possibilities of my life, my future through it all.

Knowing that this journey is encouraging me to be open...not closed.

Validation rocks.

Tagged

bohemian girl, kodak easyshare digital

I’ve been tagged by a Super~Hero and I must obey her…well, because she has super-powers!

Here goes…

Four jobs I’ve had:

Barista at Starbucks in Barnes & Noble

Clothing Salesgirly (always placed in the men’s section…hmmmm.)

Design Assistant for a Florist

Bride Consultant at a bridal boutique

Four Movies I could watch over and over:

Amelie

Bridget Jones Diary

Garden State

Sliding Doors

Four Places I’ve Lived:

Santa Cruz, California

Dallas, Texas

Berkeley, California

Cluj Napoca, Romania (Summer)

Four TV Shows I Love:

Lost

The L Word

Six Feet Under

Weeds

Four Places I’ve Vacationed:

Vienna, Austria

Sanibel Island, Florida

Vancouver Island, British Columbia

Rosarito Beach, Mexico

Four of my Favorite Dishes:

Orange Peel Chicken (P.F. Changs)

Cali Dinner Salad (chicken, dried fruit, nuts, feta cheese – everything on top!)

Pineapple Fried Rice (Thai)

Hot & Sour Soup (at this place in Berkeley)

Four sites I visit daily:

Superhero Journal

Jen Gray

Swirly Girl

Leonie Life

Four Places I’d rather be right now:

Sitting at a café in Vienna

Hiking in Big Sur, CA

Getting a massage at Salish Lodge & Spa in Snoqualmie, WA

Drinking sangria with my Tribe at this restaurant

Four Bloggers I’m tagging:

Leonie – Turquoise Journey

Penelope – Penelope Illustration

Pixie – The Pink Coyote

Kate – Self Taught Girl

********

Added by me for my own pleasure...

Four of my Tribe I'm tagging (email me):

Suzi

Bobbi

Letha

Zsuzsanna

Christina (oops, that's five).