self portrait challenge

boho in hat, canon digital rebel xt

Self Portrait Challenge...Me in a hat.

This month's theme is all about us in confined spaces. I know this isn't quite following the rules, but I chose a portrait of me inside this hat because I really wanted an excuse to shower some lovins onto Bekka. She had knitted this hat and posted a picture of it on her blog. I left her a comment that I was drooling and she decided to sew a ribbon on it that was special to her and then send it to me in a package.

I thought it was so thoughtful, generous, creative and...well, can you tell I love wearing it? Look what it does to me!

Thank you, lovely Bekka...I can feel your mojo.

So yes...as far as the challenge, my brain, head and hair are enclosed in this hat!

acceptance

"acceptance", pastel drawing by boho

There was a mist in the sky this morning. My husband called me out onto our garden porch so I could feel it on my skin. He knows how much I love gray skies and mist. I thrive in this type of weather like most thrive in sunshine.

We sat together drinking our coffee, mostly in silence. His greenish eyes were illuminated with the gray backdrop behind him. He looked at me adoringly, telling me I was beautiful. I love unexpected moments such as these. He always catches me off guard with his admiration.

I did feel beautiful in that moment without worrying about my messy ponytail from sleep and crumpled up pajamas on my body. I thought about how far I have come in accepting my body, my beauty, my "self". I see this happening with so many of you, especially in the Self Portrait Challenge posts. I see the self acceptance trinkling into your lives and it is beautiful. It inspires me. I haven't yet arrived...nor do I want to. I hope to always remain open to those lessons on how to love myself, my life, my body on a deeper level. I understand that it is a process, a journey.

I love that through our creations, through writing, blogging, relationships, we can together learn what acceptance truly is.

Sitting across from my husband, I realized that because of learning to love and accept myself all those years being on my own, I am able to love and accept him more fully.

Those fun and crazy years of singledom helped prepare me to wait for the right partner and centered me to be the mom I truly want to be.

I am open. I accept this path...I accept me.

magical cuties

carey & sean in my studio, canon digital rebel xt

I am lucky enough to spend time with these two cuties tomorrow. They're getting married next weekend on some rocks by the sea. My hubs is groovin' as their DJ and I will be playing Miss Wedding Coordinator for the day. Tomorrow we'll be doing a bit of a run through. I cannot wait to give them gentle hugs and reassure them that all will flow good and well.

This couple has an amazing story. Perhaps I'll share it with a wedding photo or two, post nuptials. I hope to capture some stellar moments with the lens because those type of moments seem to follow these two lovelies wherever they go.

They are pure magic. Cute magic.

hope

boho, canon digital rebel xt

My dear bloggie comrades. First I want to gently apologize for my absence from your blogs the next few days. My husband and I are having a fertility treatment this Saturday. I feel so right about this path and am excited to be closer to our dream.

This past week I have felt as though I was walking on a puffy cloud. So light. So airy. So faithful. So knowing. Although, I can feel as the time approaches, I am becoming a bit overwhelmed with my usual tasks. I woke up this morning feeling weighted down and emotional. During a phone conversation with my wonderful marmie this morning, I realized my body is telling me that I need to take a step back from the usual and spend time nurturing myself. As soon as I heard her voice, my tears started flowing and I felt a much needed release. I told her that I want so badly to be back in that light space of being. It is essential that tomorrow I remain calm, relaxed and in a peaceful state of mind.

I believe in order to do this, I need to take time away from creating my gems, banners, reading and responding to emails, blogging and phone calls. The giving part of me worries that this is selfish but the nurturer in me knows that this is what I need to focus on us right now. I think if we are in tune to our bodies, we know where we need to put our energies and where not to.

Meditation. Prayer. Zen music. Breathing exercises. Acupuncture. Massage. Stretching. Visualization. This is what my body is craving and so shall it be.

As I am writing this, I am so full of hope. Fear has not set up camp here. Just hope.

wish

canada weed, canon digital rebel xt

When I saw this weed from a distance on a walk while in Canada, I thought it was a dandelion. I had a sudden urge to make a wish and blow on the buds to watch them float out into the Universe like I always did as a child. When coming closer, I realized it wasn't a dandelion but to me, it appeared to be even more mystical. It had this illuminating power about it. So, I picked one and made a wish regardless, thinking that perhaps it might get to the Universe even faster with its special glow-like powers.

I urge you to make a wish today. Use this post of mine as a vessel to God, to the Universe, to your Higher Power. Put it here in a comment.

So many of us feel as though our wishes, our dreams are out of reach and therefore, we never even give them a voice.

I have spent the last few days talking to myself. In my car. In my studio. Laying in my bed. Giving my wishes a voice. Hearing me send them out to the Universe makes them more real to me, more attainable. Call it prayer. Call it manifestation. Call it craziness. I see it working with little things, but they are things, nonetheless.

My wish: To be a mommy soon. To nuzzle my nose into the soft skin of our babe and breath in the smell of baby lotions and oils. To blink our eyelashes together in butterfly kisses. To spoon on our bed...mommy, daddy and baby. To be a mommy soon.

Your turn. Make a wish. Give them a voice.

self portrait challenge

boho, canon digital rebel xt

Self portrait as..."finding my strength".

It is difficult to describe in words what is transpiring within me but I want to share it with all of you, so I will try.

It feels like an unveiling of sorts. I have always known of my strength but I did not realize how deep it really was. I feel as though I have discovered a well of it in my soul and it's flowing...ever flowing abundantly through me.

First, it began with a conversation with Thea. She asked me to think about all of the amazing people/events/things in my life that have happened as a result of my journey through (in)fertility. Flashes of the beautiful faces of my companions (see side bar) came into my mind. My acupuncturist and her healing treatments. My marriage and friendship with my husband being solidified beyond reason. My father getting on his knees to pray. My mother and her perfect words. My sister and her wisdom. Old friends coming back into my life. Lovely friends and strangers sending me emails, packages and prayers of support. The list continues and will live in my heart forever. Rather than feeling bitter or angry that this is my path, I feel grateful for these gifts that otherwise may not have come into my life. Rather than punished, I feel blessed.

I had forgotten how it felt to feel blessed. I had been so caught up in not getting this one beautiful gift (baby) that I was blind to the other gifts I have received.

Then I watched the film The Secret. Wow...talk about life altering. It felt so harmonious to what had already been nesting in my soul. It has given me tools on how to harness this new perspective on life. Reminding me that I have the power to create my own life by my thoughts.

So now my days are spent visualizing and manifesting my dreams and truly feeling that joy as if they have already happened. When a negative or fearful thought creeps in, I replace it with a positive image and I FEEL that joy. My wise friend Leonie always said..."Joy is an option". Now it finally hit me where she was going with that.

I am blessed. I am grateful. I am finding my strength.

Sunday Scribblings ~ "Thief!"

boho boy in canada, canon digital rebel xt

he stole my heart
and wears it on his hand
in a titanium band
a metal indestructible
unable to break or bend
so i know my heart
is safe with him.

find other thieves here.

she...

boho, canon digital rebel xt

i see her now
the child i was
she is in my view
reminding me
she is still me

she played
she believed
she never doubted
she made things happen
just by dreaming
"a lucky star"
her sisters said,
that she lived under

she just knew
she was love
she had power
she created her life
by feelings, not rules

she was simple
simply her
full of yes, go, do, be
without judgment

she had no box
she had the world
and she reminds me

...that she is still me.


little boho

you

thea, self portrait

you, my friend, are braver than most.
you inspire me to search deeper into my well of strength.
on this journey we have walked on together, your vision of us,
holding our babies side by side never wavered.
you just knew and now i just know.
it will happen for us...it is happening for you tomorrow.
we will all circle around you in the late morning
and whisper words of abundance to your beautiful womb,
the palace you spoke of to me of cushions ready to let your babies rest.
that beautiful vision, that gift.

hearing your voice today was like coming home.
your tears soothed my thirst for calm.
for the first time, i looked back on this journey feeling grateful.
you helped me to see the gifts, the lessons, the growth that never
would have happened if we did not walk this rugged road.
you helped pull the curtain of fear and doubt aside and
the path is so clear now...the path that led me to you.

do you see the gentle warrior in your eyes?
she is ever present.

i envision us walking along the shore soon,
side by side,with our babies running ahead.
we're laughing, holding one another's hand with a knowing
look that says YES, it was all worth it.
worth it to dive into those deep wells, discovering parts
of us that otherwise may not have been found.

thank you for your guidance, your friendship, for helping me
find my strength and for being YOU, beautiful you.

my new family

jon-erik, canon digital rebel xt

One of the many blessings to marrying my husband was gaining a new fascinating family. His mother is from Germany, is a writer, gourmet cook, and a wise, worldly soul. His father is a musician, an antique dealer, college professor and an archeologist. His older brother (pictured above) is an artist, a spiritual seeker and a healer. Each one of them and the home they all lived in together is so eclectic. His father built their house with salvaged materials from homes that were being torn down. Hung on each wall are artifacts that he found over the years. When walking through and studying each wall, I feel as though I have taken a trip around the world and back. Each trip out to see them in Canada leaves me wiser and more enriched.

I know it takes time for a new family to actually feel like family. Well, that happened this past weekend. I felt as though I belonged. Almost as if long ago, I was with the boys on a dig with their dad discovering bones which was later crafted into a necklace. I no longer felt like an outsider that didn't quite understand their lifestyle. It feels part of me and I am so proud to be a part of a family that colors outside of the lines.

I love my new brother. My husband, Jon-Erik and I went on a walk in the woods behind one of their friends house one evening. I laughed so hard with them that my eyes filled with tears. When coming out of the woods, my husband was taking a picture of me by a river and Jon-Erik told him to hold on. He then found a yellow flower and put it in my hair and said..."go ahead, she's ready". Later, on the drive home, I had a headache from wine. Jon-Erik gave me a very healing head massage until it went away. I could feel in that moment that he connected to me as a sister. He felt my heavy heart and his healing touch soothed my tiredness until I fell asleep.

Such amazing, cool and lovely souls. I have much to learn from them...my new family.

edited to add: yes ladies...he is single. *grin*

Self Portrait Challenge ~ "Self Portrait As..."

boho strumming, canon digital rebel xt

Self Portrait As...A Passionate Guitarist

This is a dream of mine, really. I often drift off into a fantasy world where I am sitting on a stage in an intimate venue, pouring my heart onto the strings. In my reality, it has been a struggle for me to learn how to play the guitar because my hands are so small (tiny fingers). Truly...I only know a few chords and the Virgo in me puts the pressure on to do it all so perfectly, so I tend to put the guitar down with a sigh and walk away from it for days, even months.

I was first inspired by my sister Darlene. In the 70's, I watched her sit around with her friends in a circle while she serenaded them with her long straight hair parted in the middle and wearing embroidered bell bottom jeans. I was sitting up on our stairs, looking down on her hippy self and wanting to BE her in that moment.

Then it was Jewel, Sarah, Ani, Abra and Beth that inspired me in my later years to pick it up and make this dream come true. I took some lessons at a sweet little cottage in Berkeley, CA from the coolest artsy gal pal. It was her that taught me the spirituality and deep romantic connection that can happen between you and an instrument. Watching her play was like watching two souls make love.

I did this self portrait series of me playing the guitar to make it my reality. My husband is going to teach me a song to move me beyond those few chords so that I may begin to create my own music.

I want to find that passion between woman and strings.

what lies within us

painting on my wall by andrea scher, canon digital rebel xt

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~ Emerson

I realized today that I have been struggling with the tug of war between Faith and Fear in regards to this journey I am on. I am grateful for the reminder hung on my wall, sent to me by a dear friend. Now I just need it tattooed on my body where I can see it at all times! Kidding...I think.

I know what I need to do. I need to visualize the positive outcome. I need to live as though YES I already am pregnant. I need to focus on all the other aspects of me...my business, my art, my writing, my relationships. I need to just know that it will happen. All this comes down to having Faith.

I struggle with this because yes, the majority of the time I do all these things and yet still feel the need to protect my heart. Because time and again, I did all this to the point where I convinced myself I was indeed pregnant in that moment and to find out I wasn't, felt like a true loss. That is where the Fear comes in. I am afraid to feel that loss again.

Although I am still caught up in the middle of the tug of war between the two, I can feel the pull towards Faith getting stronger. The more I lean towards Faith, I am learning ways to release the Fear. I still give myself permission to feel whatever it is I feel in the moment so that I can move through those emotions, rather than tuck them away so that they can resurface later.

I am learning what lies within me is quite strong and steadfast because I am not a quitter. In the tug of war, in my mind, I am definitely on Faith's side.

This week, let's search deep into what lies within us and get behind me on this rope. With our feet dug firmly into the ground and our hands tightly wound...you better believe that Faith is going to win!

ps. I am going to Canada for a week to be with the hubs family. Will see you next Wednesday!

poetry thursday

boho & firefly lights, canon digital rebel xt

Mmmm...I am just absorbing all of the yumminess I have received from all of you in my previous post. It made me feel a little playful. Thank you for that. I think I am going to take flight with this firefly...

fireflies

wave of living sparks
the brilliant kind
light a way
tangling the little love-lights
fireflies
twilight is coming
and for this occasion
rival the very stars.
tiny miracles
luminescence without incandescence.
stars in their courses
think only of illumination
firefly light
the visible part
the spectrum
illuminational
luminous firefly.
cooler than the air
of the summer night
fingers capture their yellow beams
between flashes of the air
flash little beacons
and reveal all

~ Karen Whimsy

Discover other yummy poems here.

proud

tammy, canon digital rebel xt

This is my dear friend Tammy and her 8th month swelling belly. She has been the mother of sweet Jonas for 7 years and for five years, tried for this little darling girl in her womb about to arrive in a month's time. She had a baby shower this past weekend. I had expressed to her earlier that I may not come because I was afraid that it might open up a well of emotions within me that I felt I had moved through. I knew she would understand because she had tried to conceive for five years and still felt quite close to that journey.

The few days leading up to the shower, something shifted within. I was feeling quite free of my usual slight depression. I was feeling hopeful and well taken care of by our doctors. I felt so close to the possibility of being a mother that going to the shower, I may not feel like an outsider but like one of them, one of the "mothers", so to speak. Most of all...I just really yearned to celebrate her miracle and her womanhood.

For the first three hours, I held it all together. My focus was completely on Tammy and her luscious belly and glowing self. Being behind the camera lens the entire time was like a security blanket for me, keeping me distracted from that well I spoke of earlier.

Then it happened. The minute I relaxed, sat down and actually paid attention to the gifts she was opening (rather than taking pictures of them), I saw her pull out a few adorable little bohemian girl outfits. I felt that all familiar longing in my heart. Then an all consuming heat moved up my face. The room began to close in on me. I could hear my heartbeat. I looked around and for the first time realized I was the only one in the room, besides her young nieces, that wasn't a mother. I tried four deep breaths to stop the tears but I felt them coming, so I quietly stepped outside. I paced back and forth, went back in and knew it was over. The dam was about to break. I apologized to the lovely hostess and tip toed out the back door and the flood began. I sat in my car and let it flow and later when I arrived home, talked it all out with my husband.

My first reaction was to be disappointed in myself. I wanted to support Tammy, to be a part of the celebration for all of her efforts and patience on her journey up until now. I felt so frustrated that right when I was feeling so good, I had taken what felt like many steps back. The few days following, I felt completely traumatized. Numb. Energyless. Weepy. Overwhelmed. Thank God I have an amazing husband that never tires of these emotions. I know he is right there with me, just expressing it differently than I do.

I allowed myself time to be still and feel everything and am rediscovering my strength again, picking up the pieces and creating art from it all. I talked to a few wonderful souls that loved me into a more peaceful place, reminding me that everything that I was feeling was perfect and just as it should be. I am finding my center, focusing on all of the other aspects of myself that make me whole.

Instead of being angry, I am now proud that I lasted three hours, proud that I went out of my love for Tammy and thankful for the lessons I learned through the pain.

Note to self: No more baby showers until I get pregnant. *smile*

self portrait challenge

boho's reflection, canon digital rebel xt

Self Portrait As... a flower.

The smile you see is actually me laughing at myself that I am doing this.

As Susannah has said to me on a few occasions, it is "pure fromage" (a sophisticated way of saying "really cheesy") but hey, I had fun! And I need a little fun because Boho has been far too deep into her head the last few days. Something I will expand on soon but for now, just trying to keep it light.

You can enjoy other Self Portrait's here.

cool new things

hanging fireflies, canon digital rebel xt

We have this enormous lime green wall with a very high ceiling that has been empty for so long. Someday I will put a large canvas of a painting by me on there when inspired. Something I am both scared and excited to do. Recently we strung some firefly lights across the wall and it has brought this whimsical, enchanting vibe into our place. Our cats like to sit up on the couch below and swing at them with their cute paws.

A few more cool new things...

My big sister's blog

An extension to Bohemian Girl Designs: Boho Blog Banners!!

rebirth

"rebirth", 10x7 pastel drawing by boho

This pastel drawing was inspired by my friend (and muse), Susannah. I am so grateful for this inspiration because I have let my pastels fall by the wayside while I have had an affair with my gems.

I sketched this drawing when first getting to know her. Each line formed as her story was told and there she appeared. Two separate visions live within this drawing. One is her, snuggled up in her sheets alone, thinking about her previous lover and yet standing firm in her loneliness, looking forward, not back. Another is of her being reborn. The sheets being a symbol of a vagina and her coming into a new world of being single, renewed, healed and cleansed.

Once the sketch was ready for the dance of color, I could feel that familiar rush within my soul as my fingers smeared the chalk. With each layer, I felt closer to her, closer to me. Oh how I have missed this.

This past year there has been an underlying feeling of depression throughout my days. I haven't been very motivated to create. At least not as much as my soul needs. A few of you have snuggled up against my heart, lifted me up and inspired me to come out of the safe womb I have been hiding in.

So perhaps, along with Susannah, I too am in the midst of a rebirth.

Poetry Thursday

glass on our porch, canon digital rebel xt
(the driftwood you see is a windchime made for us by Letha with sea gems she found on a trip)

Not too long before my husband proposed to me, we sat in a bathtub facing one another and he read this to me, line by line, out loud. With tears in my eyes, I accepted the invitation...

THE INVITATION

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder, May 1994

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon, I want to
know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own, without moving to hide or fake it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with
wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without
cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being
human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you’re telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even if it’s not pretty every day,
and if you can source your life from God’s presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the
edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “YES!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, wary and
bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here. I want to know if you
will stand in the center of fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

swirly angels

my reflection

I am calling out to my tribe and also to my sweet readers that I may not even know yet. Calling out for each of you beautiful souls to circle around us in spirit today around 3pm PST.

I have spent today preparing myself mentally, physically and spiritually. Around my neck you see my superhero necklace, my fertility goddess charm and my wooden cross that a friend gave to me while I was in Romania working at an orphanage years ago.

Another cool blessing that showed up in my mirror is this swirly light reflection from my hand mirror below. I'd like to think of them as swirly angels dancing around my ovaries.

I know we will feel you circling. In fact...I think I already do. Miracles happen in circles.

Thank you...

Self Portrait Challenge

boho blowing a kiss

This month's theme for SPT is "Self Portrait As..."

I am beginning with Self Portrait as... a Woman. I've always felt that blowing kisses was uber-feminine, so here I am blowing kisses to all of the women in my bloggie tribe.

Below you will find a recorded excerpt from one of my favorite books, Imagine a Woman in Love with Herself by Patricia Lynn Reilly. A friend of mine introduced this book to me at a time in my life when I thought I had lost myself and felt as though a rediscovery was so out of reach. This book helped me to dig down deep and discern that I was there all along and didn't have far to look. I learned the importance of truly loving myself. Me...not the person other's wanted me to be but just simply the core of who I am.

So sit back in a comfortable chair and close your eyes. It is a wee bit long but well worth it. My wish is that parts of it resonate with your heart as they did mine.

Imagine a Woman in Love With Herself, voice by boho

This is perhaps one of my least creative self portraits but this post is more about the words than the picture. I am sometimes self conscious of my voice because it is very soft. So the challenge here for me is speaking it out to the world. Thank you for listening.

sunday scribblings ~ two peas in a pod

carey & me on my porch, canon digital rebel xt (taken by hubby)

last night

like minded sister

fingers dancing in your curls

getting messy with me

chalk smeared on paper

colorful fingers

side by side

as the music glides

our soulmates creating melodies

in the background

us in silence

shoulders touching

you sitting, me standing

one heart, one mind

two peas in a pod

in artistic abandon

carey in my studio (click on image for larger view)

edited to add: cute that i've received a lot of comments assuming carey is my sibling. carey is a close friend and a soul sister...my real life sister's live on the other end of California.